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Internet Oracularities #1218

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Internet Oracularities #1218    (51 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 18 May 2001 10:57:38 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1218
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1218  51 votes 14bih 16md9 bbl62 2cgf6 16kg8 3bn77 3akb7 1che7 19el6 67hc9
1218  3.3 mean  3.9   3.5   2.5   3.2   3.5   3.1   3.2   3.3   3.4   3.2


1218-01    (14bih dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I humble myself before you, for I am but a lowly community college
> student on a perilious quest to seek and obtain the pinnacle of
> CC achievement, the sacred parchment known to the initiated as the
> Associate of Arts degree. I have not as yet, officially, declared a
> major, but I intend to make a meager living as a writer, perhaps as a
> junior copywriter at some two-bit ad agency or submitting short story
> after story to literary journals only to be continually rejected and
> wind up working at Illuminations, the art-of-living candle store in
> the mall. Because I will have no medical insurance, I will no longer
> be able to afford my Zoloft, and will spiral into a depression that
> leaves me unable to take care of myself or pay rent. I will wander
> the streets of downtown Portland with my shopping cart filled with
> my works dating back to 4th grade and give public readings to the
> pigeons and statues in the park blocks while the Portland State
> University transfer students point to me and say "Yeah, that crazy
> chick was in my creative writing class at PCC."  And all because I
> could not concieve of an idea that would justify the use of 4 pieces
> of computer paper.  Please, suggest to me a character to build upon,
> a situation, what-have-you, so that I may snap out of this fog.
> In receipt of this, O' Oracle, I will name my character after you.
> Bless you, Generous deity, Guide of lost souls and Creator of all
> fictional characters.
>
> KerouwackedOut in Portland, OR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I too know the heartache of having writer's block. At least you can
} write what you like! Imagine if you could only answer questions someone
} else asked...
}
} This how-to document should give you near-infinite characters and
} situations for your writing. Hopefully this will lift you out of your
} impending Zoloft-bereft depression. It might help if you lift you out
} of Portland as well.
}
} How to create a new fictional character in three easy steps:
}
} 1. Select a famous person from history (must be deceased).
} 2. Select a famous person currently living. This second person should
} not have ever had the faintest possibility of meeting the first person.
} 3. Combine the two into a single person and see what develops.
}
} For example, I will pick Genghis Khan and Martha Stewart. Now I put my
} new character into a situation and start writing!
}
} Martha Khan stepped lightly through the field of wildflowers, pausing
} occasionally to disembowel one of the attacking Mongols with a melon
} baller. "How badly these invading rabble dress!" she thought to herself
} after deftfully removing the spleen of a particularly hairy swordsman.
} She applied lemon rind to the organ and placed it in a hand-woven urn
} basket decorated with eucalyptus and white baby's breath as a warning
} to others and turned her attentions to cutting a fresh flower bouquet
} with a dagger pulled from the back of an unfortunate bowman. Her
} freshly painted nails glinted in the morning light and matched
} perfectly with her hand-woven sun dress dyed with natural onion-skins
} and printed with potato halves cut into patterns and dipped in human
} blood. "Ah, it's good to be alive," she said to no one in particular,
} reaching down to even the sideburns of the decapitated head lying at
} her feet. Her pace quickened as she passed the stakes of severed heads
} and headed for her yurt to prepare breakfast for the rest of her Mongol
} hoard. "I think we will attack in the salmon turtlenecks today Gonthar"
} she told her second in command as she entered the dwelling. "And
} freshen up the heads in the yard with mint leaves. It will help keep
} the flies down." He bowed, trying to hide the fact that he was missing
} several fingers on his right hand, and backed toward the exit. He was
} exceedingly careful not to wrinkle his newly pressed doeskin tunic, for
} he knew better than most the punishment for being inappropriately
} attired for a formal ambush.
}
} You owe the Oracle a K-mart commercial containing a melon baller and
} someone's spleen.


1218-02    (16md9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of the most intriguing smile,
>
> What lipstick colour should I use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.  Even if I did not know everything, I could tell from your
} spelling of 'color' that you are yet another British supplicant.
} Allow me to put you more at ease by utilizing my English persona.
}
} # Persona 4.1
} # (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp.
} # Loading dynamic overlays... Loaded.
} # Press CTRL-C to exit
}
} >load BRITISH
} # ...Persona loaded.
}
} Hark!  But thy qwery that thy makest verily upon...
}
} Forsooth?  What, Ho!  Methinks I speak anon in words of old!  Prithee,
} what ill has befallen me herin?
}
} >ver
}
} # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp.
} # Using overlay BRITISH v0.02 (C) 1785 Dickens Enterprises
}
} Nay, but this be not seemly for such as I!  Wherefore, to quench this
} melancholy discontent shall I...
}
} >load ENGLISH
} # ...Persona loaded.
}
} Me give U much advise.  Make U think good.  U throw spear fa...
}
} Ug!  What now happen?  Orakul sound like Thag!  Me check...
}
} >ver
}
} # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp.
} # Using overlay ENGLISH v(-12000)BC (C) Thag
}
} Ug!  Thag not even know how spell kopwrite!  How he get one?  Me nip in
} bud...
}
} >load AMERICAN
}
} Whew!  We-un's thought that were a purty tight pickle!  It's been a
} coon's age since y'all asked that thar question tha...
}
} Great day in the morning, what now?
}
} # Persona version 4.1 (C) 1985, 1982, 1998 Isle Corp.
} # Using overlay AMERICAN SOUTH v8.02 (C) 1960 Drunken Truckers Corp.
}
} Dang!  This 'ere per-sonn-na program's tougher to get aholt of than a
} greased pig in a rainstorm!  Weeeell, yall's stuck with it, as I ain't
} a-changin' it again!
}
} Y'all should get some of that there red lip stick - that way yall won't
} get confused fer one o' them lowdown Hatfields when the shootin' starts.
}
} Y'all owe the Oracle a whole mess a possums.


1218-03    (bbl62 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did my fro go out of whack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too much to and.


1218-04    (2cgf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are we all going to do without Douglas Adams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The system known as Douglas Adams had successfully run its program.
} Unbeknownst to the primitive society it dwelt among, Douglas Adams was
} actually the successor to the mighty computer Deep Thought. Its program
} was to discover the question which would provide the answer to life,
} the universe and everything. The previous answer was 42, the best
} that Deep Thought could provide with its limited capacity. A larger
} computer, known as Earth was created, but destroyed by the Vogons
} shortly before completing its program.  Douglas Adams was created to
} carry on where those two left off, and it succeeded where they failed.
} It not only calculated the question in question, but formulated the
} answer as well. The question is: "What are we all going to do without
} Douglas Adams?"
}
} And the answer the Universe is waiting for is: 49.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fallible memory for my flying lessons.


1218-05    (16kg8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle... I really hope you can help me, I'm just so distraught....
>
> You obviously know that Douglas Adams was struck down at an early
> age over the weekend....
>
> What acts could I accomplish to best honour his name?
>
> S U Plicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The (surprise, surprise) Top 10 things to do to honor Douglas Adams:
}
} 10. Remind your flowers that it will happen again.
} 9.  Tell your favorite computer that you love it.  Then name him Marvin.
} 8.  Float in the air the same way that bricks don't.
} 7.  Name your children after his characters; I recommend Slartibartfast.
}     (Only do this if you don't plan on liking them much.)
} 6.  Drink a Pan-galactic gargle blaster in his honor.  Wait at least two
}     weeks or until the end of the litigation before completing the list.
} 5.  Eat your favorite talking animal for dinner.
} 4.  Become president and then...
} 3.  ... steal the newest and most expensive ship in the fleet (bonus if
}     the engine is made of gold).
} 2.  Admit the superiority of lab mice.
}
} and...
}
} 1.  Be a good frood.
}
} You owe the Oracle the seventh book in the trilogy.


1218-06    (3bn77 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> What can I do with all these old business cards?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can stuff them into socks.
} You can eat them with some lox.
} You can send them all to Spain.
} You can hide under them in rain.
} You can build a house of cards.
} You can explode them with petards.
} You can jot on them some notes.
} You can use them to count votes.
} You can send them back in time.
} You can use them to cut a lime.
} You can ship them down to Hell.
} You can toss them down a well.
} You can use them to scrape paint.
} You can hit them until they faint.
} You can write upon them songs.
} You can burn them inside bongs.
} You can fry them in hot oil.
} You can cover them in tinfoil.
} But whatever you do with that stuff,
} Don't send them here. I've got enough!
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip on the International Space
} Station. Mere millionaires can't have all the fun.


1218-07    (3akb7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how much beav could a beaver cleave if a beaver could cleave beav?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                             *********
}    The Internet Times -- All The News That We Can't Print
}
} DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - The aerospace industry wasn't even fazed
} yesterday when it was revealed that B/E Aerospace Inc (stock: BEAV)
} chairman Amin J. Khoury was giving up his position to his hot young
} secretary.  Off the record, Khoury was quoted as saying, "She's a cute
} young thing, and I accidentally promised her a position on the board
} during coitus..." (See More of This Story HERE)
}
} DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Gary "The Beav" Mather has announced that he
} wants to be "left the hell alone."  He was also quoted as saying "I
} want to continue my life-long pursuit of hunting, so if any of you
} reporter types come my way just remember that I'm carrying a loaded
} weapon." Mather has expressed an intense desire to rid the world of
} beavers in a vain attempt to silence those who know him only by early
} sixties sitcoms... (See More of This Story HERE)
}
} DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Sales of the Binary Editor and Viewer hex
} editor, also known as BEAV, have hit an all-time low.  The creator of
} this editor, who wishes to remain anonymous (Find Out His Name HERE),
} was quoted as saying, "It's not really surprising, seeing as how it's
} freeware..." (See More of This Story HERE)
}
} DATELINE: 01-May-2001 - Jewish leaders have remained adamant that they
} will still celebrate their holiday of Tishah Be-Av, despite vicious
} rumours that they could be attacked my illiterate beavers.  "Frankly,
} my goy, we don't give a dam," said one rabbi ... (See More of This
} Story HERE)
}
}            The Internet Times - Without Us, You'd Be Fine
}                             *********


1218-08    (1che7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great icon of wonderfullness, could you please tell me what the
> implications are of a pea failing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kidney stones.


1218-09    (19el6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so wise, so patient and so..um..deserving of many more
> adjectives than my poor overworked brain can think up:
> One of my friends is a Nutrimetics consultant. (Being omnipitent you of
> course know that Nutrimetics is an austalian Avon clone, more expensive
> with a "All natural" pitch)
> She needs as much money as she can get and i really want to help he,
> and i even bought an (expensive, crappy) exfoliating body scrub.
> But one day i came home and my mum had an Avon catelogue, just sitting
> on the table... and they're so cheap! I gave in and bought several
> cosmetics and a brush which has "Avon" written on it in big silver
> letters. Am i evil? Should I stop buying Avon and go back to
> Nutrimetics? Should i throw away the brush or just hide it when my
> friend comes to visit?
>
> Or just give up on makeup all together?
>
> Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Does your wife know you're doing this?


1218-10    (67hc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0
> Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1"
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN">
> <HTML><HEAD>
> <META content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1">
> <META content=3D"MSHTML 5.00.2919.6307" name=3DGENERATOR>
> </HEAD><BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff>
> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV></BODY></HTML>
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_0021_01C0DD8F.9D86E8A0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, null MIME message.
}
} Makes sense, MIMEs aren't suppose to say anything anyway.


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