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Internet Oracularities #1220

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Internet Oracularities #1220    (59 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 May 2001 08:11:58 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1220
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1220  59 votes 8fq91 5cdk9 jm864 48hm8 bcaec ael86 48kl6 5acjd 27ccq 16jlc
1220  3.2 mean  2.7   3.3   2.2   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.3   3.4   3.9   3.6


1220-01    (8fq91 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, steeped in lore, how does one summon an elder god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, going for the tricky ones now, heh?
}
} Let's face it, the god's tend to be very big on status.  Only the best
} beef sacrificed, only the prettiest virgins in their temples, and
} definitely no quaffing wine (quaffing ale, on the other hand ...).  So
} the best way to summon one depends on your social status.  If you are
} in with the in-crowd, an elder god is a doddle to get to social event.
} Let me see if I can demonstrate with a relative scale.
}
} Average person on the street: I'd grovel very hard.  Something better
} than "steeped in lore".  I mean really!  That's the only way to ensure
} you don't get trodden on on the red carpet of life.  (Success rate
} 0.0001% -- Summon an elder god?  Pulease!)
}
} A-list invitee: Now you are starting to have a chance.  I'd like to be
} able to tell you that it's as simple as lighting an ox blood candle,
} but it isn't.  Silly you for thinking it was!  First you need to obtain
} about 500 ounces of gold, each ounce evenly spaced around the
} circumference of a circle, in which you place a virgin brunette (not
} blonde!) and a good bottle of pinot noir.  Select your god, and pray
} for that god to appear.  Make sure the brunette is the right sex for
} the god's personal taste.  I'll leave determining the circle radius as
} an exercise for the reader.  (Success rate 5% -- if at first you don't
} succeed...)
}
} A-list inviter: Throw a party.  A big party!  Get a band in and lots of
} viewers... er friends, paint yourself with woad, and sacrifice
} livestock. It'll certainly make the social pages.  (Success rate 20% --
} well, they like a good laugh too.)
}
} Hollywood Star: don't call us, we'll call you.  And your friends.
} Usually for a long weekend of fun and frivolity.  (Success rate 95% --
} Sly's still waiting.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of removing the smell of burning ox blood.


1220-02    (5cdk9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must I scratch my privates each morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After a night in those drafty barracks, they deserve some sort of
} reward.


1220-03    (jm864 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Kirsten R. Chevalier" <krc@erythrea.wellesley.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much of Long Island should I put in a Long Island Iced Tea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A cord and a half an hour.


1220-04    (48hm8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are highly knowledgable in the ways of technology, so
> surely you can tell this poor supplicant...
>
> Why can't I get my *&)^(*&^ router to let my server work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that particular brand of router has a reputation for not working
} properly. OK, here's what you do:
}
} 1. Using a #4 Pozidriv screwdriver, remove the screws holding the
} router's cover. Don't worry about the warning label saying "No
} user-servicable parts inside; warranty void if opened" - who are you
} going to listen to - me or them?
}
} 2. Using the special service tool gently remove the klystron tube from
} its mounting. If you don't have the special service tool, don't worry -
} a Polish 5-zloty coin is exactly the same shape and can be used instead.
}
} 3. With the klystron removed you have access to the Carnot engine.
} Check to see that this has the red stripe at the outermost end - the end
} furthest from the Turing machine. If not, carefully unsolder it using an
} old screwdriver heated on a gas stove (caution: do not use a soldering
} iron as these emit vibrations which might uncalibrate the engine) and
} resolder it in the correct position.
}
} 4. If you reversed the Carnot engine, you will also need to invert the
} bus polarity of the bit-stream convertor. This is done, obviously, by
} connecting the syntactic parser to the random-number generator, rather
} than the other way around.
}
} 5. Finally, re-insert the klystron tube, re-attach the cover (you don't
} need to use all the screws, of course) and turn the power back on again.
} Um. You *did* turn the power off first, didn't you?
}
} You owe The Oracle a service manual for Babbage's difference engine.


1220-05    (bcaec dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do your parents know you're gay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do your parents know you're using the computer?


1220-06    (ael86 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Do ants ever get lonely ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only when Uncle's away on business.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rimshot.


1220-07    (48kl6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the alligator that lives in my T.V. haunt me rom 9:00 to 12:00?
> _________________________________________________________________
> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's on a time-share with the closet monster.  It allows both of them
} to have a more flexible schedule to spend time with their families,
} while at the same time ensuring that you still receive the maximum
} amount of terror and anxiety your personal demon from hell demands.
} The innovative new system has led to fewer sick days and has reduced
} turnover, therefore reducing training costs.
}
} It's been so successful, in fact, that the gremlin in your personal
} computer is looking into contracting with the creature that makes that
} "tick-tick-tick-creak-CLONK" noise in your car.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of alligator-skin boots.


1220-08    (5acjd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise
>
> Who dunnit ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "And so," pronounced Hercule Poirot, in an appallingly bad attempt
} at a Belgian accent, "ze little gray cells zey tell me zat ze only
} people oo could 'ave committed ze murder are gathered in zis room now."
}
} "What are you suggesting?" cried Major Smythe, jumping from his chair.
} "I won't stand for this."
}
} "Ah," responded the dapper little smart-ass, "I think you will.
} Because, you see, I know who commited ze crime, and will reveal it to
} zis little gathering of potential murderers. After which, ze police
} will take my word for it, and ze guilty party will be executed solely
} on ze suspicion of a foreign national."
}
} "Oh," wailed Mrs Winscombe, "Please tell us who could have killed my
} darling Kitty."
}
} "It was Major Smythe oo gave me ze answer," continued Poirot, "though
} I do not believe 'e noticed it at ze time."
}
} "I did no such thing," blustered the Major, his face growing redder
} and redder. "I'd never help a foreign blighter like you. Just isn't
} part of my stereotype, don't you know?"
}
} "Ah, but you did, Major, when you told me zat you 'ad 'eard a strange
} noise just after ze crime."
}
} "Damn strange. Sort of 'vworp vworp'."
}
} "Indeed zo. And it was only zis morning zat I realised ze significance
} of zis noise. Zere is only one man 'oo makes such a noise, 'oo could
} have entered ze locked room, and 'oo 'as a well known preference for
} robotic dogs over cats. Is zat not so, Doctor?"
}
} The Time Lord, who up until then had been lurking quietly in a corner
} sighed. "You've got me there, Poirot. Never thought you'd work it out."
}
} So yes, supplicant, you are correct in your assumption. Who, indeed,
} dunnit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a TARDIS.


1220-09    (27ccq dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is that a woodchuck in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The teacher draws the curtains and dims the lights after
} pulling down the screen over the blackboard.  She walks
} to the back of the room towards the filmstrip projector
} saying "Now this is very important, no talking or giggling.
} We have time for some questions afterwards."  All the
} girls are in the room next door presumably seeing their
} "special" filmstrip.
}
} The phonograph needle is dropped on a warped record and
} some tinkly theme music starts up unevenly...]
}
} <Titles: Oracle Education Services presents>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} <Titles: Number 4 in the "Why is hair growing there?"
}          series>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} <Titles: Growing up: The woodchuck in your pocket and you>
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Picture of boy walking down a suburban street]
}           This is Timmy.  Timmy is a normal American boy.
}           He likes to play baseball and collect stamps.  He
}           enjoys going to the park with his friends.  He is
}           also about to get a surprise visitor.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy looking moderately horrified at the
}           woodchuck that has just popped out of his right
}           front pocket]
}           Gosh! Timmy has a woodchuck in his pocket!  That
}           means Timmy has entered puberty.  Puberty is the
}           time when a boy start to change into a man. Many
}           changes happen to a boy's body when he is in
}           puberty, the foremost of which is the arrival of
}           his pocket woodchuck.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy shaking hands vigorously with the woodchuck]
}           The arrival of your woodchuck is nothing to be
}           frightened of.  He will become your special friend
}           and will bring you hours of happiness. In fact, you
}           will find that you will spend a great deal of time
}           petting, fondling, and rubbing your woodchuck in the
}           years ahead.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck in leather jackets, smoking]
}           However, you need to be the one that does the
}           thinking.  If you let him, your woodchuck will want
}           you to do only the things he wants to do.  He will
}           want you to focus on him all day long.  This can
}           lead to getting in with a bad crowd or possibly
}           even spending all your time alone in your room.
}           You have to make sure your woodchuck knows who is
}           the boss.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck on bed looking at a National
}            Geographic]
}           Yes, you and your woodchuck will have lots of
}           fun together.  It is OK to play with your woodchuck
}           in your room with the door closed, but there are
}           times you should not let your woodchuck out.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Woman in the hand lotions aisle, eyes bulging
}            looking at Timmy and woodchuck walking down aisle]
}
}           Like at the grocery store.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck approaching a cluster of
}            girls in party dresses, turning away and
}            covering their eyes]
}
}           Or the school dance.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Woman fainting and crowd staring and Timmy and
}            woodchuck entering dressed in matching black
}            suits]
}
}           Or at a funeral.
}
} *BEEP* [schlick-tick]
}
} Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck from behind in front of a
}            microphone.  Audience of parents wide-eyed and
}            mouths agape stare back.]
}
}          Or during the school spelling bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-
}          -bee-bee-bee-bee-ssssskkkkkkrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk
}
} ["Hold on class, let me fix the..." *POOF* <projector bulb blows>
} "Oh damn!  I mean darn!..."]
}
} You owe the Oracle a waxed dolphin.


1220-10    (16jlc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise beyond words is the Oracle, he is our guide to this life
> sentence we are doomed to here on this lonely rock in space,
>
> Isn't kind of silly to pay rock stars big bucks to stand around
> and scream? Any teenager can do that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And where, dear supplicant, is it written that having a unique talent
} is the predominant factor in determining one's income?  Consider:
}
} Christina Aguillera shakes her booty and pretends to be Hispanic.  She
} makes enough money to buy Venezuela...or at least Costa Rica.
}
} My high school girlfriend shakes her booty and pretends NOT to be
}  Hispanic. She makes 10.00 an hour managing the local McDonalds.
}
} Bill Gates wipes his gluteus maximus on a floppy disc and calls it
} "Windows 2000": His bank account triples overnight.
}
} An anonymous New York person wipes his gluteus maximus on a hundred
} dollar bill and calls it "Art".  He's out a hundred bucks.
}
} Deion Sanders diddles two professional sport franchises while being an
} talentless, egotistical  jackass to both.  his next contract (whoever
} it's with) will see a 25% increase in salary.
}
} My boss diddles two multinational clients while being a talentless,
} egotistical jackass to both.  His next contract (whoever its with) will
} see a 25% increase in salary.
} ...
}
} Well, maybe that last wasn't such a great example.
}
} The bottom line is that people throw money at things because they are
} TOLD to throw money at things, and not because of any inherent
} improvement in the quality of goods or services produced.  Don't
} believe me?  Try this. Buy a gross of pencils, and go out in the
} streets and sell them for $1.  At the end of the day, you will have
} roughly 144 pencils left.
}
} Now, start an advertising campaign.  Put up fliers, take out ads in the
} newspapers, saturate the area talking about "Sparky's Wonder Pencils".
} Guaranteed not to break, guaranteed to fix your love life, guaranteed
} to kill mosquitos with a single swat.  Be sure to include tons of
} testimonials!  And don't forget the slogan "we got pencils with the
} S...we've got pencils up the S..."  Hire street people to talk them up
} all day...they can be had for the price of a decent lunch in most
} cases, and will work hours on end.
}
} Run the ads for two weeks, but don't sell any pencils.  instead spend
} your time hand-painting the letter S on each one (and be sure that the
} fact they are hand-painted gets included in your advertising).  Arrange
} for someone, preferably an innocent bystander, to get shot in an
} argument over a Sparky's pencil.  Leak two or three pencils to key and
} influential members of society.
}
} Now, two weeks later, cut the ads...go out and start selling pencils
} for $20 each.  If you've done your job right, you will sell out in a
} few hours, and have enough profit to pay for a pizza and a six-pack.
}
} Wasn't that fun?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sparky's wonder pencil...I can't get this !@#$%
} Parker to write.


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