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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, steeped in lore, how does one summon an elder god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, going for the tricky ones now, heh? } } Let's face it, the god's tend to be very big on status.  Only the best } beef sacrificed, only the prettiest virgins in their temples, and } definitely no quaffing wine (quaffing ale, on the other hand ...).  So } the best way to summon one depends on your social status.  If you are } in with the in-crowd, an elder god is a doddle to get to social event. } Let me see if I can demonstrate with a relative scale. } } Average person on the street: I'd grovel very hard.  Something better } than "steeped in lore".  I mean really!  That's the only way to ensure } you don't get trodden on on the red carpet of life.  (Success rate } 0.0001% -- Summon an elder god?  Pulease!) } } A-list invitee: Now you are starting to have a chance.  I'd like to be } able to tell you that it's as simple as lighting an ox blood candle, } but it isn't.  Silly you for thinking it was!  First you need to obtain } about 500 ounces of gold, each ounce evenly spaced around the } circumference of a circle, in which you place a virgin brunette (not } blonde!) and a good bottle of pinot noir.  Select your god, and pray } for that god to appear.  Make sure the brunette is the right sex for } the god's personal taste.  I'll leave determining the circle radius as } an exercise for the reader.  (Success rate 5% -- if at first you don't } succeed...) } } A-list inviter: Throw a party.  A big party!  Get a band in and lots of } viewers... er friends, paint yourself with woad, and sacrifice } livestock. It'll certainly make the social pages.  (Success rate 20% -- } well, they like a good laugh too.) } } Hollywood Star: don't call us, we'll call you.  And your friends. } Usually for a long weekend of fun and frivolity.  (Success rate 95% -- } Sly's still waiting.) } } You owe the Oracle a way of removing the smell of burning ox blood.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why must I scratch my privates each morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After a night in those drafty barracks, they deserve some sort of } reward.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much of Long Island should I put in a Long Island Iced Tea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A cord and a half an hour.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are highly knowledgable in the ways of technology, so > surely you can tell this poor supplicant... > > Why can't I get my *&)^(*&^ router to let my server work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that particular brand of router has a reputation for not working } properly. OK, here's what you do: } } 1. Using a #4 Pozidriv screwdriver, remove the screws holding the } router's cover. Don't worry about the warning label saying "No } user-servicable parts inside; warranty void if opened" - who are you } going to listen to - me or them? } } 2. Using the special service tool gently remove the klystron tube from } its mounting. If you don't have the special service tool, don't worry - } a Polish 5-zloty coin is exactly the same shape and can be used instead. } } 3. With the klystron removed you have access to the Carnot engine. } Check to see that this has the red stripe at the outermost end - the end } furthest from the Turing machine. If not, carefully unsolder it using an } old screwdriver heated on a gas stove (caution: do not use a soldering } iron as these emit vibrations which might uncalibrate the engine) and } resolder it in the correct position. } } 4. If you reversed the Carnot engine, you will also need to invert the } bus polarity of the bit-stream convertor. This is done, obviously, by } connecting the syntactic parser to the random-number generator, rather } than the other way around. } } 5. Finally, re-insert the klystron tube, re-attach the cover (you don't } need to use all the screws, of course) and turn the power back on again. } Um. You *did* turn the power off first, didn't you? } } You owe The Oracle a service manual for Babbage's difference engine.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do your parents know you're gay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do your parents know you're using the computer?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, > > Do ants ever get lonely ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only when Uncle's away on business. } } You owe the Oracle a rimshot.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does the alligator that lives in my T.V. haunt me rom 9:00 to 12:00? > _________________________________________________________________ > Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's on a time-share with the closet monster.  It allows both of them } to have a more flexible schedule to spend time with their families, } while at the same time ensuring that you still receive the maximum } amount of terror and anxiety your personal demon from hell demands. } The innovative new system has led to fewer sick days and has reduced } turnover, therefore reducing training costs. } } It's been so successful, in fact, that the gremlin in your personal } computer is looking into contracting with the creature that makes that } "tick-tick-tick-creak-CLONK" noise in your car. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of alligator-skin boots.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise > > Who dunnit ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "And so," pronounced Hercule Poirot, in an appallingly bad attempt } at a Belgian accent, "ze little gray cells zey tell me zat ze only } people oo could 'ave committed ze murder are gathered in zis room now." } } "What are you suggesting?" cried Major Smythe, jumping from his chair. } "I won't stand for this." } } "Ah," responded the dapper little smart-ass, "I think you will. } Because, you see, I know who commited ze crime, and will reveal it to } zis little gathering of potential murderers. After which, ze police } will take my word for it, and ze guilty party will be executed solely } on ze suspicion of a foreign national." } } "Oh," wailed Mrs Winscombe, "Please tell us who could have killed my } darling Kitty." } } "It was Major Smythe oo gave me ze answer," continued Poirot, "though } I do not believe 'e noticed it at ze time." } } "I did no such thing," blustered the Major, his face growing redder } and redder. "I'd never help a foreign blighter like you. Just isn't } part of my stereotype, don't you know?" } } "Ah, but you did, Major, when you told me zat you 'ad 'eard a strange } noise just after ze crime." } } "Damn strange. Sort of 'vworp vworp'." } } "Indeed zo. And it was only zis morning zat I realised ze significance } of zis noise. Zere is only one man 'oo makes such a noise, 'oo could } have entered ze locked room, and 'oo 'as a well known preference for } robotic dogs over cats. Is zat not so, Doctor?" } } The Time Lord, who up until then had been lurking quietly in a corner } sighed. "You've got me there, Poirot. Never thought you'd work it out." } } So yes, supplicant, you are correct in your assumption. Who, indeed, } dunnit. } } You owe the Oracle a TARDIS.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is that a woodchuck in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The teacher draws the curtains and dims the lights after } pulling down the screen over the blackboard.  She walks } to the back of the room towards the filmstrip projector } saying "Now this is very important, no talking or giggling. } We have time for some questions afterwards."  All the } girls are in the room next door presumably seeing their } "special" filmstrip. } } The phonograph needle is dropped on a warped record and } some tinkly theme music starts up unevenly...] } } <Titles: Oracle Education Services presents> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } <Titles: Number 4 in the "Why is hair growing there?" }          series> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } <Titles: Growing up: The woodchuck in your pocket and you> } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Picture of boy walking down a suburban street] }           This is Timmy.  Timmy is a normal American boy. }           He likes to play baseball and collect stamps.  He }           enjoys going to the park with his friends.  He is }           also about to get a surprise visitor. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy looking moderately horrified at the }           woodchuck that has just popped out of his right }           front pocket] }           Gosh! Timmy has a woodchuck in his pocket!  That }           means Timmy has entered puberty.  Puberty is the }           time when a boy start to change into a man. Many }           changes happen to a boy's body when he is in }           puberty, the foremost of which is the arrival of }           his pocket woodchuck. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy shaking hands vigorously with the woodchuck] }           The arrival of your woodchuck is nothing to be }           frightened of.  He will become your special friend }           and will bring you hours of happiness. In fact, you }           will find that you will spend a great deal of time }           petting, fondling, and rubbing your woodchuck in the }           years ahead. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck in leather jackets, smoking] }           However, you need to be the one that does the }           thinking.  If you let him, your woodchuck will want }           you to do only the things he wants to do.  He will }           want you to focus on him all day long.  This can }           lead to getting in with a bad crowd or possibly }           even spending all your time alone in your room. }           You have to make sure your woodchuck knows who is }           the boss. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck on bed looking at a National }            Geographic] }           Yes, you and your woodchuck will have lots of }           fun together.  It is OK to play with your woodchuck }           in your room with the door closed, but there are }           times you should not let your woodchuck out. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Woman in the hand lotions aisle, eyes bulging }            looking at Timmy and woodchuck walking down aisle] } }           Like at the grocery store. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck approaching a cluster of }            girls in party dresses, turning away and }            covering their eyes] } }           Or the school dance. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Woman fainting and crowd staring and Timmy and }            woodchuck entering dressed in matching black }            suits] } }           Or at a funeral. } } *BEEP* [schlick-tick] } } Narrator: [Timmy and woodchuck from behind in front of a }            microphone.  Audience of parents wide-eyed and }            mouths agape stare back.] } }          Or during the school spelling bee-bee-bee-bee-bee- }          -bee-bee-bee-bee-ssssskkkkkkrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk } } ["Hold on class, let me fix the..." *POOF* <projector bulb blows> } "Oh damn!  I mean darn!..."] } } You owe the Oracle a waxed dolphin.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise beyond words is the Oracle, he is our guide to this life > sentence we are doomed to here on this lonely rock in space, > > Isn't kind of silly to pay rock stars big bucks to stand around > and scream? Any teenager can do that.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And where, dear supplicant, is it written that having a unique talent } is the predominant factor in determining one's income?  Consider: } } Christina Aguillera shakes her booty and pretends to be Hispanic.  She } makes enough money to buy Venezuela...or at least Costa Rica. } } My high school girlfriend shakes her booty and pretends NOT to be }  Hispanic. She makes 10.00 an hour managing the local McDonalds. } } Bill Gates wipes his gluteus maximus on a floppy disc and calls it } "Windows 2000": His bank account triples overnight. } } An anonymous New York person wipes his gluteus maximus on a hundred } dollar bill and calls it "Art".  He's out a hundred bucks. } } Deion Sanders diddles two professional sport franchises while being an } talentless, egotistical  jackass to both.  his next contract (whoever } it's with) will see a 25% increase in salary. } } My boss diddles two multinational clients while being a talentless, } egotistical jackass to both.  His next contract (whoever its with) will } see a 25% increase in salary. } ... } } Well, maybe that last wasn't such a great example. } } The bottom line is that people throw money at things because they are } TOLD to throw money at things, and not because of any inherent } improvement in the quality of goods or services produced.  Don't } believe me?  Try this. Buy a gross of pencils, and go out in the } streets and sell them for $1.  At the end of the day, you will have } roughly 144 pencils left. } } Now, start an advertising campaign.  Put up fliers, take out ads in the } newspapers, saturate the area talking about "Sparky's Wonder Pencils". } Guaranteed not to break, guaranteed to fix your love life, guaranteed } to kill mosquitos with a single swat.  Be sure to include tons of } testimonials!  And don't forget the slogan "we got pencils with the } S...we've got pencils up the S..."  Hire street people to talk them up } all day...they can be had for the price of a decent lunch in most } cases, and will work hours on end. } } Run the ads for two weeks, but don't sell any pencils.  instead spend } your time hand-painting the letter S on each one (and be sure that the } fact they are hand-painted gets included in your advertising).  Arrange } for someone, preferably an innocent bystander, to get shot in an } argument over a Sparky's pencil.  Leak two or three pencils to key and } influential members of society. } } Now, two weeks later, cut the ads...go out and start selling pencils } for $20 each.  If you've done your job right, you will sell out in a } few hours, and have enough profit to pay for a pizza and a six-pack. } } Wasn't that fun? } } You owe the Oracle a Sparky's wonder pencil...I can't get this !@#$% } Parker to write.