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Internet Oracularities #1222

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Internet Oracularities #1222    (69 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001 08:25:39 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1222
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1222  69 votes 6ajnb 29oke 4hte5 agqd4 2dti7 amma5 7amhd 14gtj 46jgo bhr95
1222  3.2 mean  3.3   3.5   3.0   2.8   3.2   2.7   3.3   3.9   3.7   2.7


1222-01    (6ajnb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  oraclestat -an

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [supplicant@delphi ~]$ oraclestat -an
} Active Incarnation Summary:
} Protocol LocalAddr    RemotePort Status    Flags
} tcp      delphi:25    231        ANSWERING
} tcp      delphi:25    289        ANSWERING NULL_QUESTION
} tcp      delphi:25    703        ZOTTING   NEWBIE,WOODCHUCK_QUESTION
} tcp      delphi:25    1058       ANSWERING
} tcp      delphi:1054  119        DIGEST
} tcp      delphi:1061  6667       CHAT      LISA
} [supplicant@delphi ~]$ tcpdump -i eth0 port 1061
} tcpdump: Permission denied.
} [supplicant@delphi ~]$


1222-02    (29oke dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Are children extension of their parents or bits of soul
> that have escaped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they're bits of their parents that escaped.
}
} You owe the Oracle a diaphragm and a condom.


1222-03    (4hte5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of wisdom so great...
>
> Would you please tell me why paranoia has fallen from fashon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They just want you to think that it has gone out of style, so that you
} think they're not out to get you any more.  Then they strike.  Fiendish
} ploy, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle It.  You know what It is.  And if you don't give It,
} then I'll come and get you myself...


1222-04    (agqd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_003B_01C0F430.65E52EE0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="koi8-r"
>
> How correctly to move the member?
>
> ------=_NextPart_000_003B_01C0F430.65E52EE0--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, buddy, in this neighborhood you can get jail time for miming that
} in public.
}
} You owe the Oracle an airtight imaginary box.


1222-05    (2dti7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, please answer this question as only you are able to
> answer:
>
> It's my birthday--can I skip crying if I don't want to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The song says:
} 1. "It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to."
}
} Because the English language is imprecise, this can be translated to
} one of two logical sentences:
} 2a. (It is my party) and ((I want to cry) then (I will cry))
} 2b. (I want to cry) then ((It is my party) and (I will cry)).
}
} The _Modus Tolens_ of the above two statements reveals:
} 3a. (It is my party) and ((I will not cry) then (I do not want to cry))
} 3b. ((It is not my party) or (I will not cry)) then (I do not want to
} cry).
}
} Therefore, the best way to skip crying is to go to someone else's
} birthday party.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of cake.  Happy birthday.


1222-06    (amma5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In your opinion: what is the most intricate biological system? The most
> beautiful, the most unusual & the most interesting biological fact?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most intricate biological system, in my opinion, is the human body
} itself. Think of it in a mechanical sense. It is capable of so many
} feats that are ,sadly, taken for granted.
} The human body can find, gather, and process its own fuel. After
} processing, consume fuel through a method made up of a series of
} mechanical and chemical processes in order to breakdown and convert the
} fuel to its needed components.
}
} It has a distribution system that sends the needed fuel components
} where they're needed. After which, it removes the waste.
}
} This human body, capable of mobility, can repair itself (within certain
} limits), communicate with other human units, defend itself as needed.
} Self-programming, it is capable of creating additional biological biped
} units like itself and guiding theses self-programming units to
} self-sufficiency while passing on valuable data that can be assimilated
} or discarded as deemed necessary.
}
} One needn't look further than ones own body to find the most
} fascinating biologival system ever devised. Look at your hands. You, as
} a human, can make various tools to do a number of chores with them.
}
} The most beautiful biological system? Easily the link between the
} tongue and the nose.
} The sense of taste combined with the sense of smell makes what would
} otherwise be "consuming fuel" a pleasurable experience.
}
} The most unusual biological system ... without doubt, that would have
} to be the heart. Esentially no more than a pump, it stops only at
} death. Talk about built to last.
}
} As for the most interesting biological fact ... the fact that the
} propotion of water in the earth and the human body are identical.
} In order to maintain health, one's intake of water, or water-rich foods
} (vegetables and fruits), should be about 75%.
} This in no exaggeration. Water flushes out the toxins and lubricates
} various bodily systems.
} Without them we grow sluggish ... why? Because your system poisons
} itself unless it gets sufficient water.
}
} Teas are diuretics and draw out more water than they put in, soda rots
} the stomach lining. I'll bet you didn't know that for years, soda
} distributors have used the very soda they sell to clean their truck
} engines... and still do. Now, what does it do for your insides?
}
} How do you think I've lived so long and remained so healthy?


1222-07    (7amhd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of deep and revered thought, please tell me,
>
> Would you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not eat green ham or eggs
} Because this issue the question begs:
} Those foods that color I have never seen
} So why, exactly, are they green?
}
} Have they been behind the fridge?
} Did you find them in a ditch?
} Did they exude from some strange pipe?
} Are they under, or over-ripe?
}
} Green eggs make me think of salmonella
} Green foods should be veggies (or lime jella).
} And green ham? Eww, trichinosis
} I'd rather kiss a troll with halitosis.
}
} So, no thanks, I'd rather not
} Eat green eggs that look like snot.
} That goes for the green ham as well.
} You owe the Oracle some Taco Bell.


1222-08    (14gtj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, wonderful, bright, beautiful, great, but not
> small, please will you help me... I am in a quandary.
>
> I am currently between jobs, and on my resume' I indicated that I am
> one of the Elder Gods.  It was just a little joke, you know, something
> to break the ice in the interview.  Well, there's this one company I
> interviewed with, where the guy I talked to looked at this, and said,
> "an Elder God, splendid!" without even batting an eye.  In fact, I got
> the distinct impression this was the sort of thing he *expected* to see
> on a resume'. And now this company has asked me for my references.
> It's starting to look kind of spooky.  What should I do?  Would it be
> best to come clean and admit that I overstated the truth, or should I
> try and bluff my way through?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You claimed you were an Elder God? Oh man, that's hysterical. That
} reminds of the time Hermes, Thor and I decided to try and sneak into
} Club Aphrodite (which Zeus and Ares were trying to keep to themselves,
} the bastards) and Thor figured he'd never be allowed in a Greek club if
} he looked Norse, so he hid his hammer in his pants and tried to
} disguise himself as Dionysios, but it turned out it was naked olive oil
} wrestling night and so we all ended up drunk and.... well, that wasn't
} really what you asked, was it?
}
} You could just claim it was a typo, and that you are actually an Alder
} God. (You have until the interview to learn a whole lot about trees.)
} In a similar vein, you could claim dyslexia and be an Elder Dog,
} although the wagging might be problematic.
}
} But I think you should go ahead and try to bluff your way through. In
} preparation for the interview, acquire a cattle prod, a wireless throat
} microphone, an air horn, some figs, wine, and a half-naked nymph (a
} dryad will do, in a pinch. So to speak. Ahem.)
}
} Attach the cattle prod to a long stick. You can glue a little glitter
} on it if you want to get fancy. This will be your "Staff of Zot".
} Arrive at the interview early enough to put on your microphone and
} connect it to the building's intercom system.  You should have already
} put the airhorn down your pants.
}
} Arrive in the reception area with the nymph clinging to your arm. When
} you are called into the interviewer's office, tell her "Await my
} return, and we shall proceed to Olympus forthwith." (This is the Elder
} God equivalent of pretending to get a really important call on your
} cell phone.)
}
} As you sit down, trigger the air horn. (Keep in mind that breaking wind
} in an interview is a faux pas only for mortals-- for us gods, it's just
} another way of announcing our arrival. Zeus can practically clear a
} room, and don't *ever* be standing behind Athena when she shows up.
} Whew.)
}
} Answer all the questions more or less normally, but speak into the
} microphone, of course. If asked about your Godhood chuckle modestly and
} say "Oh, I never discuss religion at work". If pressed, look
} inscrutable and say "I've never had problem in that area".
}
} By now, you should have a sense of whether the interviewer is going for
} it or not. If all is well, congratulations! If not, stand up and shout
} "How dare you doubt me, you puny mortal!" and ZOT him a couple of
} times. This will give you time to get out the building (don't forget to
} collect your nymph) before he can call security.
}
} The figs and wine? Those are for me, thanks-- I skipped breakfast.
}
} You owe the Oracle notice of when you are going to try this, I want to
} watch.


1222-09    (46jgo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <km4rb@tampabay.rr.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and wonderful,
>
> You have given me so much wisdom over the years that I was thinking of
> sending you a birthday present.  Could you please tell me when your
> birthday is, where to mail the present, and perhaps what you would
> like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that's sweet of you, Supplicant, really.
}
} But to tell you the truth, there's no one day that's my birthday.  I
} mean there's the date the old temple was set up in Delphi, and the date
} I moved to Indiana, and you know, for an immortal being who collects
} tributes, pretty much every day is like a birthday.
}
} So, instead, I'd like you to honor my birthday by pretending it's your
} birthday.  I send you a small, strangely carved wooden box, full of
} treasures. Open it whenever life seems to have lost its charm.  The box
} contains:
}
}   The memory of a summer day at the beach.
}   The sounds of your loved ones breathing as they sleep.
}   The colors of the sky as twilight deepens into dusk, and the first
}     stars appear.
}   The snap in the air of a crisp fall day.
}   Sunlight on flowers, and the smell of spring.
}   A cold drink on a really hot day.
}   The appreciative laughter you get when you tell a really good joke.
}   Twelve dead frogs, and a pair of dirty sweat socks. (you can get
}     rid of those, if you want. Zadoc liked them.)
}
} The box is infinitely expandable; you can store your own treasures in
} it by simply thinking them there.
}
} Happy Birthday.
}
} =======
} As a side note, this particular incarnation would like you to know that
} today really *is* my birthday. Thanks, Orrie, for a delightfully
} shiverous bit of synchronicity.
}
} And I promise to be funnier next time.


1222-10    (bhr95 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am not an in-joke! I am a human being!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cute Kendai, now get yer butt back down to the kitchen
} and don't come back until ALL those potatoes are peeled.


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