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Internet Oracularities #1223

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Internet Oracularities #1223    (72 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Jun 2001 20:33:15 -0500 (EST)

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in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1223
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1223  72 votes 28rr8 39rmb 24lri chhec 04itl 3gsj6 6ftk2 hfgdb 22msi 4gql5
1223  3.3 mean  3.4   3.4   3.8   3.0   3.9   3.1   3.0   2.8   3.8   3.1


1223-01    (28rr8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm gay.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, you're an easy one Happy. But thinking up inoffensive names
} for the rest of the dwarves, er, little people in "Snow White 2001"
} isn't going to be at all simple.
}
} Let's see: Doc can be Spiritual Healer, Grumpy can be Rebellious
} Against Oppression, Sleepy is Alternative Ambition. This is hard!
} Dopey is...  wow, this is a tough one...  how about Chemically
} Altered? Differently Medicated? We'll come back to that one.
} Sneezy is Allergen Sensitive, and Bashful is... hmmm... Bashful is,
} uh, Maternally Dominated?
}
} You owe the Oracle an inoffensive title, because "Snow White" will
} get us all hanged. Good luck!


1223-02    (39rmb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle, so dapper and neat, my nose hair is getting
>  awfully long.  What do you recommend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For nose hair extending less than .25" from the nasal orifice, use any
} of the following:
}
}      1.  Tweezers;
}      2.  A battery-powered nose hair trimmer;
}      3.  An electric razor; and, if you're really courageous,
}      4.  A twin-blade standard razor or an Xactoknife.  You might want
} to have medical care standing by.
}
} For nose hair extending more than .25" but less than 1" from the nasal
} orifice, use any of the following:
}
}      1.  A pair of pliers;
}      2.  An electric-powered, industrial-strength nose hair trimmer;
}      3.  A pair of electric pinking shears; or, if you're really
} courageous,
}      4.  An electric carving knife.  You might want to have an EMT team
} standing by.
}
} For nose hair extending more than 1" from the nasal orifice, use any
} of the following:
}
}      1.  A large pair of pliers, a monkey wrench, a torque wrench, and
} the late Dale Earnhardt's pit team.  I hear they need the work.
}      2.  You can substitute a tractor pull for #1 if Dale's team has
} already found gainful employment.
}      3.  Tie a rope to the end of your nose hair and tie the other end
} to a doorknob attached to an open door.  Count to three, slam the door,
} and scream.  (There is no nose-hair fairy, sorry, you're out of luck.)
}      4.  A nuclear-powered, 8-cylinder weed-whacker with double
} overhead cams, aluminum hemis, and all the trimmings.
}      5.  Napalm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Bob Jackson's book "The Complete Guide to
} Personal Hygiene" and a cognitive synapse washer.  You know the one.
} It's made by Mattel so you can tell that it's swell.


1223-03    (24lri dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Early to bed and early to rise,
> Contributes much to an early demise!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you appear to have stumbled upon something very rare; a portion
} of the original draft of "Poor Richard's Almanack." It was rejected
} because...well, I might as well quote the publisher's rejection
} letter.
}
} SENT VIA Eight-Week Priority Mail
}
} MESSRS. Smithfield and Fieldfmith
} Publifhers Appointed By His Majefty
} The King To Publifh Official
} Documents, Notices, Pamphlets,
} Works of Great Literature, &c.
} Located Near the New North Church
} Bofton, Maffachuffets
}
} October the Third,
} The Year of Our Lord 1756
}
} MR. Benjamin Franklin
} 7 Market Street
} Philadelphia, Pennfylvania
}
} Our Dear Mr. Franklin,
}
} Thank you for fubmitting your Manufcript "Poor Richard's Almanack" to
} us. We regret to inform you that it does not meet our Needs at the
} Prefent Time.
}
} While we do believe that fuch an Almanack, giving Information on the
} Atlantic Ocean Tides, Phafes of the Moon and other Heavenly Bodies,
} as well as Weather Forecafts for the several Colonies, would be met
} with much Intereft and General Acclaim among the Publick at Large, we
} do not believe that the Publick would be receptive to many of the
} Aphorifms, Sayings, and Wife Counfel of Poor Richard that you have
} included in your Almanack. They offer Bad Advice, and make the Blood
} and the other Humours nervous. Pleafe allow us to quote the worft
} Offenders:
}
} "Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day, unleff you
} juft don't feel like it."
}
} "Dost Thou hate Life? Then feel free to squander Time, for that is
} what Life is made of."
}
} "The early Bird gets the Worm; the late Bird gets the fat and juicy
} Beetle that did not emerge from under a rock until the Sun heated the
} ground; both Birds will choke on their Meals and die."
}
} "For want of a Nail, the Shoe was loft; for want of a Shoe, the Horfe
} was loft; for want of a Horfe, the Rider was loft; for want of a
} Rider, the Battle was loft; for want of a Battle, the Earth was
} deftroyed by a Weapon that will be invented in the Future, whose
} Terrible Power and Deftruction we cannot comprehend."
}
} Once again, we offer our most fincere Thanks for fubmitting your
} manufcript to us. However, we have juft announced the Publication of
} our own Almanack for the coming year 1757, to be given the Title "Sir
} or Madam, Would You Kindly Open This Almanack to Difcover and Be
} Aftounded by All Sorts of Information, Please?" Therefore, a
} refubmittal of your manufcript, with certain Corrections to make the
} Tone more Light and lefs depreffing, fhall not be welcomed. May we
} fuggeft that you publifh fuch a Volume by yourfelf?
}
} We remain Moft Sincerely Yours,
} JOS. A. SMITHFIELD and
} GEO. J. FIELDSMITH, Publishers


1223-04    (chhec dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Scene: The Terminal Room.  The air conditioning is fighting dozens of
> humming, lazily swapping UNIX workstations, X terminals, and assorted
> PC hardware, as well as the hot, faintly sulfurous breeze squeezing
> through under the door.  One of the fluorescent ceiling lights is
> flickering intermittently.
>
> In one corner, sitting at an ancient Sparcstation, we see RICHARD
> FEYNMAN.  He types furiously for a moment and then leans back, grinning
> at the screen.  The camera pans to the right, passing over displays
> on which xterm's, XEngines, Games of Life, Emacsen, XPilots, xrn's,
> XTanks, Dooms, and intricate xscreensavers are running.
>
> In the opposite corner of the room, we see BARNEY THE DINOSAUR,
> puzzling over a Microsoft Windows box running Eudora.
>
> BARNEY: Richard? Do you have a moment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FEYNMAN shuffles over to where the Purple One stands.
}
} BARNEY: Look at this question from SCOOBY-DOO.
}
} FEYNMAN stares at the screen for a while, moving his lips slowly.
}
} BARNEY: Oh here, I'll read it to you, "Why can't we write the entire
}         24 volumes of the Encyclopedia Brittanica on the head of a
}         pin?
}
} FEYNMAN [points at the screen]: Pretty colors.
}
} BARNEY: Yes, they are. Look sorry I mentioned it. Why don't you
}         finish mopping the floor? Then we can can go home.
}
} FEYNMAN: Will there be rabbits?
}
} BARNEY: Yeah, yeah lots and lots of rabbits. HEY! What's that
}         in your hand? Are you taking the balls out of the mice
}         again?
}
} FEYNMAN: I done a bad thing.
}
} ====================================================
}  ==  "Of Mice and Feynman" will continue after   ==
}   ==       this message from our sponsor.       ==
} ====================================================


1223-05    (04itl dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most tidy,
>
> Should I hire a maid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a quick quiz to help you decide whether you need a maid. Choose
} the answers that describe your house the best:
}
} Kitchen Sink:
} A. It is empty, and sterilized with full strength bleach.
} B. My coffee cup (rinsed) is in the sink.
} C. Last night's dinner dishes are in the sink.
} D. Last year's dinner dishes are in the sink.
}
} Refrigerator:
} A. Empty, except for 2 bottles of spring water and a container of
}    yogurt
} B. Usual assortment of foods, mostly fresh. No empty jars.
} C. Some of the veggies are little suspicious looking.
} D. Some of the veggies have developed teeth, and my cat is missing.
}
} Floors:
} A. Vacuumed and swept daily.
} B. Vacuumed and swept weekly.
} C. Vacuumed and swept monthly.
} D. Several archeological digs in progress.
}
} Laundry:
} A. Is done daily
} B. Is done weekly
} C. Is done when the closets and clothes drawers are empty
} D. Eventually crawls away on its own, and then I go shopping.
}
} Furniture is dusted:
} A. Every day, using cleansers and polish and imported feather dusters
} B. Once a week, with whatever rag I can find.
} C. Whenever I can write my name on it, with my shirt sleeve.
} D. When plants start to grow on it, with a trowel.
}
} Scoring:  Give yourself 0 points for every A answer, 1 point for B, 2
} for C, and 3 for D.
} Add 150 points if anything scurried across your screen while you were
} reading this.
}
} 0 - 3:    You're Martha Stewart, and you make the rest of us look bad.
}              Go away.
} 4 - 7:    You don't really need a maid. Hire a masseuse instead.
} 8 - 11:   Yeah, you need a maid.
} 12 - 15:  You don't need a maid, you need a disaster recovery plan and
}             a backhoe.
} 15 - :    The National Guard and the EPA have been notified.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to remove 5-month-old toxic hummus from a
} refrigerator without actually touching the container.


1223-06    (3gsj6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is everyone else's growing, yet mine stays small?
>
> ___________________________________________________________________
> Join the Space Program: Get FREE E-mail at http://www.space.com.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you gone on vacation recently, especially for a long time?
} That might be it. You see... well...
}
} When you leave yours alone for a while, you HAVE to either get someone
} to take care of it, or leave it somewhere where it'll be taken care
} of for you. You can't just leave it and expect that it'll grow and
} stay nice and long. It needs to be exercised (though some people don't
} believe in that) or it'll just lie there doing nothing when it's most
} inconvenien-- especially when people are watching. It might even just
} shrivel up and die on you... PLEASE don't let that happen!
}
} So, the next time you go on vacation, please don't ignore it!
} Pay attention to your cat, feed it and nurture it, and it'll grow
} just like everybody else's.
}
} You owe the Oracle one nice pussy in exchange for this information.


1223-07    (6ftk2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Forgetful Oracle, you didn't remember the question I
> asked you.  By the time you got to the end of your
> answer, you were off on some different subject.  I'm
> not complaining, of course, because I learn something
> new from you every time.  What concerns me is your
> long-term health.  How can you continue to be the World's
> Most Omniscient Internet Oracle if you start forgetting
> things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your concern is noted and appreciated.  However, I did not forget; in
} my omniscience I decided that you did not need an answer to your
} question, but rather you needed the information that I imparted to you.
}  After all, one who knows everything obviously knows better than you
} what you need.  Like I was telling Lisa the other day, when she said
} she had a headache, which I followed by explaining that I already knew
} that, I was suggesting enordphin-raising activities to mitigate her
} headache.  She threw a pot at me, but I dodged it easily, because I
} already knew she was going to throw it at me.  It's just one of those
} things.
}
} So, in conclusion, an average woodchuck could chuck 1.534 pounds of
} maple toothpicks per minute, for a total time of 123 minutes a day, for
} an average of  68,916.1005 lbs/year, assuming no time off for weekends
} and vacations.


1223-08    (hfgdb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can a nation ever have too many drunken bears??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I would've said yes, but every night for a week my grandmother
} has put on her full-length fur coat and dabbed honey in her cleavage
} before going out.


1223-09    (22msi dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise,
>
>  Why does an influx of work always come my way at 4.55pm each day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bob, you've been the parking lot attendant there in that building
} for 23 years now.
}
} <sigh>
}
} The other people are going home.
}
} You owe the Oracle a validated ticket.


1223-10    (4gql5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to supply an example of the nihilist
> philosophy for class.  I think that it says
> that nothing exists.  Can you please tell me
> one of those things that doesn't exist, so I
> can present it as an example?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooh boy, it's a good thing you asked me about this, because you heard
} the assignment wrong.  You're actually supposed to come up with an
} example of the *annihilist* philosophy.
}
} The annihilist philosophy is based on three tenets:
}
} 1.  Nothing worthwhile exists.
}
} 2.  Nobody who disagrees with me is worthwhile.
}
} 3.  Nothing that isn't worthwhile deserves to exist.
}
} Now that I've got you off on the right foot, I'm sure you'll have no
} trouble coming up with a fine example of annihilism.  Something that'll
} really put a bang into your presentation.
}
} You owe the Oracle some chromic oxide and aluminum powder.


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