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Internet Oracularities #1224

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Internet Oracularities #1224    (76 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 2001 09:00:14 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Oracle priests Sid Dabster and Pitr Dubovich have been discovered
@@@ to be User Friendly comic strip characters!  Sid's been reviewing
@@@ Oracularities since the beginning of the priesthood, of course.
@@@ Pitr came along a bit later, couldn't quite compete with Sid on
@@@ his Oracularities ratings, and retired a few years ago.
@@@
@@@     http://ars.userfriendly.org/news/?id=993448958
@@@     http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/priests/index.cgi#siddab
@@@     http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/priests/index.cgi#pitrdub

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1224
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1224  76 votes 7oqe5 55lqj 8jpj5 4hmna 9oqc5 mjh8a 5brif wma66 3bpod abjr9
1224  3.0 mean  2.8   3.6   2.9   3.2   2.7   2.5   3.4   2.1   3.4   3.2


1224-01    (7oqe5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There she was
> a-walkin down the street
> with a pretty pretty face
> and rather smelly feet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Sung to the tune of, "Do-Wah Diddy"]
}
} There she was, just walkin' down the street,
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
} She had a pretty face but some very smelly feet,
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
}
} She looked good (looked good).
} She looked fine (looked fine)!
} She looked good, she looked fine
} but her stink was driving me out of my mind!
}
} Before I knew it she was walkin' next to me,
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
} I started to get dizzy, I shouted "please help me",
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
}
} We walked on (walked on)
} to my door (my door).
} We walked on to my door,
} but then I fell onto the floor!
}
} Wo-o-o-oh, I knew I couldn't last another beat,
} yes I did, and so I told her all the things
} they've dreamed up to help feet.
}
} Now we're together nearly every day or two
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
} We're so happy 'cause she always wears a shoe,
} singin' do-wah diddy, diddy down diddy do.
}
} Well I'm hers (I'm hers)
} She's mine (she's mine)
} I'm hers, she's mine,
} Wedding bells are gonna chime.
}
} Wo-oh, ah yeah
} Do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do
} singin' do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do,
} do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do,
} do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do.
}
} [apw]
} You owe the Oracle the words to the sheepish song. It starts like this:
} Baa baa baa, baa Barbara Anne! *bleat*
} Baa baa baa, baa Barbara Anne! *bleat*


1224-02    (55lqj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's humor, Jim, but not as we know it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Captain: And that bit of metal there?
}
} Science Officer: It seems to be a nail. It is no more alive
} than the horse over there the Captain is kicking. This nail
} seems to be from the door of that glass house there.
}
} Bones: It's a dead Jim. Dead as this doornail.
}
} [ Captain gives horse one last kick. Then runs over to
}   the others. ]
}
} Captain: A house? And but a stone's throw away. Speaking
} of which, have  you noticed the rocks here? I think who
} ever lived in that house threw them out here.
}
} Bones: A glass house dwelling being wouldn't have thrown
} stones Jim.
}
} Science Officer: Logical. I was about to mention it myself.
} Note too the stones are as immobile as they are moss covered.
}
} Bones: Damn Spock, of course they have moss, they're not rolling!
}
} [ Science Officer picks up a stick and motions at the rocks,
}   then stops abruptly. ]
}
} Science Officer: There's more rocks than I can...
}
} Bones: Shake a stick at? I don't like the looks of this!
}
} Captain: Look, something is coming out of the ground!
}
} Bones: Worms, they've turned!
}
} Science Officer: It can't be worms, those birds got them.
}
} Bones: Well, that one that got her first did.
}
} Science Officer: The doctor should not have opened that can.
}
} Bones: How was I to know it was full of worms?!
}
} Captain: Look at the ground. There not worms, they're flowers.
} Everywhere. And at a rate that is astounding! Small yellow
} flowers with dark centers. I think we'll be okay.
}
} Science Officer: Because everything is coming up flowers? That
} is not logical.
}
} Captain: Well, the soil is startlingly fertile what with
} the half eaten bodies of dogs all over this world.
}
} Bones: A dog eat dog world, who would have imagined it.
}
} Captain: I think I am beginning to understand. This world it,
} it... this world... it's....
}
} Science Officer: I do believe there's something on your
} tongue sir!
}
} Bones: Spit it out Jim!
}
} [ The captain touches the tip of his tongue with his crude iron
}   prosthetic. ]
}
} Captain: Heavens! I have the answer!
}
} Science Officer: The answer was on the tip of your tongue?
}
} Bones: Egad! Over there look!
}
} [ They both look up suddenly, startled by the appearance on the
}   horizon of a large woman, singing.  The captain turns to
}   the Science officer, a tear wells up in his good eye.]
}
} Captain: It's over.


1224-03    (8jpj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Do short questions always make it to the digests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but short answers do not.


1224-04    (4hmna dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most clever,
>
> Could you tell me the shape of things to come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Either cigar or tunnel shaped, depending.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Freud.


1224-05    (9oqc5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Orangutan is pondering a null question.
>
> Expect an answer in a year or two.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Years later, in a world much like our own, yet more grim and
}   grimier. In particular there are banana peels all over the
}   place. And vines are hanging from somewhere above... ]
}
} Orrie-gutan: There it is look!
}
} Dr. Lisa Faux: Oh my, you, you were right.
}
} Orrie-gutan: Oh course I was! Look!
}
} [ Orrie-gutan rips some poorly pasted on posters from a brick
}   wall revealing a lurid bit of graffiti depicting a number of
}   humans standing in a circle about to shoot at a computer in
}   the center of the circle. ]
}
} Orrie-gutan: The Army of the 12 Supplicants! They've been here!
}              I'm not mad... I am all knowing!
}
} Dr. Lisa Faux: But aren't we too late? Look around us! It is
}                nothing but the same things over and over again.
}                And there evil god, what's his name?
}
} Orrie-gutan: Dr. Steve Wright, they can but parrot his words.
}
} [ Orrie-gutan runs over to where more graffiti is, but in his
}   haste slips on a banana peel. Falling, he bonks his head
}   and passes out. ]
}
} /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
}                  start dream sequence
}
} [ Orrie-gutan is strapped to a WebTV keyboard. Before him is
}   a panel of doctors. They are talking to him through rolled
}   up magazines. ]
}
} Dr. Zadoc: Orrie-gutan, you must go back and find the source
}            of the first in-joke. Only you can save us from
}            a world of poker cascades and crossover jokes.
}
} Dr. Og: Remember you can contact us by asking the Oracle to
}         play a camel caravan with a drum solo.
}
} Dr. Kendai: BUT whatever you do don't start doing song parodies!
}             They're the kiss of death!
}
}                     end dream sequence
} /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
}
} Dr. Lisa Faux: I think we should stage an elaborate parody
}                of Pirates of the....
}
} Orrie-gutan: NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
}
} [ fade to black ]


1224-06    (mjh8a dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SCENE 1
>
> Desert sunrise.  Start slow pan across ochre hills.  Fade in caption:
>
>         THE DAWN OF LEMUR AND WOODCHUCK
>
> Fade out caption.  Halt pan, zoom in on a cave where actors in lemur
> suits are crouching and waggling ringed tails and trying to act like
> they're just waking up or something.
>
> ACTOR IN LEMUR SUIT:
>         Frink.  [Or something.  He's supposed to sound like a lemur.]
>
> ANOTHER ACTOR IN LEMUR SUIT:
>         Frink.  [Or whatever.]
>
> MORE ACTORS IN LEMUR SUITS:
>         Frink.  [Ad lib.  I don't really care.]
>
> [Switch camera to a large styrofoam monolith painted with gloss black
> enamel.  One of the actors in lemur suits is facing it.]
>
> ACTOR IN LEMUR SUIT: [Pretends to notice the painted styrofoam
> monolith for the first time.]  Frink!  Cheep!
>
> The actors in lemur suits scream in agitation and surround the
> styrofoam block.  One of them hesitantly approaches the monotlith, and
> after a few abortive attempts, touches it.  A huge *ZOT* resounds and
> the block explodes in a cloud of black smoke.  The actors in lemur
> suits scatter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Also sprach Madagascar


1224-07    (5brif dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  If monkeys lived in the desert,
>  And lions lived in the trees,
>  Where would we find the tall giraffes,
>  The elephants and the bees?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We'll have to rewrite almost all rhymes once recombinant
} DNA takes a firmer foothold.
}
}  =========================
}
} Mary had a little flying lamb,
} it's scales were Day-Glo green.
} And every where that Mary went,
} the Lamb would fly and cause a scene.
}
} It followed her to school one day,
} which was against an EPA rule.
} It made allergen sensitivity children run away,
} and sneeze until they were turned blue.
}
}  =========================
}
} Little Jack Horner,
} sat in a corner.
} eating a store bought pie.
} He stuck out his thumb
} and pulled out a now mutated glowing thumb
} and cried for a while and died.
}
}  =========================
}
} Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
} With roots down to hell and a sulfurous smell
} and stacks of dead butterflies piled up in droves.
}
}  =========================
}
} Three radar sensitive mice,
} see how they drive,
} They all ran through a big red light,
} and cut off a huge truck on their right
} Did you ever see such a huge wreck in your life?
} Three radar sensitive mice.
}
}  =========================
}
} Little Miss Muffet
} sat on stocks recommended by Buffet,
} earning more and more each day.
} Along came a lawsuit,
} about glowing green fruit
} and blew her nest egg right away.
}
}  =========================
}
} You owe the Oracle a crowd of neo-luddites waving pitchforks.


1224-08    (wma66 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it true that people in Australian stir their coffee backwards
> compared to the folks in the USA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it is true. Believe or not.


1224-09    (3bpod dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and omniscient, please answer me this question:
>
> Why do fools fall in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the same reason drowned corpses fall into ponds: I think your
} method is a bit flawed. That is, are you sure all your subjects were
} fools *before* you began the experiment?
}
} You owe the Oracle a control fool.


1224-10    (abjr9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Have fun storming the temple!"
>
> "Do you think they'll survive?'
>
> "Eh, who knows?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In june of last year, 6 men set out on a mission of revenge,
} and never came back. The families of the men set in motion a
} spectacular statewide man-hunt. Several people came forward
} to say they'd seen the men hitchhiking along the side of the
} road and given them a lift. Police searched their last known
} location, but nothing was ever found.
}
} Last week, a couple of hikers came across a skeleton and the
} tattered remains of a book; a diary. Dental analysis has
} confirmed the identity of the skeleton as one of the missing
} men. Here are the final entries of that fateful diary, which
} explains their terrible fate.
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} Jun 28, 2001
}
} We have finally departed on our grand quest. I feel
} absolutely invigorated! We are so totally going to kick
} those shaolin monks' asses! They are going to learn a think
} or to about trying to keep me out of the brotherhood, just
} because I refused to shave my head and I have a fondness for
} women and burrito's. When we are done, I will make them beg
} me to join their monastary, and then refuse!
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} Jun 29, 2001
}
} Only a day out on our grand quest and already we are having
} troubles. First of all, John forgot to bring the guns,
} saying that Frank was supposed to bring them. Frank,
} naturally, maintains that it was John that was supposed to
} bring them! Habib pointed out that we're all fairly muscular
} fellows, so we should be able to easily defeat our foes in
} hand to hand combat. They do look pretty skinny.
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} Jun 30, 2001
}
} More problems! Our SUV has run out of gas by the side of the
} road. We have been waiting several hours for another vehicle
} to come along so that we can get help. I tried to convince
} Frank to walk back to the last gas station, but he refused
} point blank. No luck with the other men either. I'm
} beginning to think that a trip of this nature requires much
} more planning. Next time I try to take my revenge on a
} remote temple, I will bring along extra gas for the truck,
} and a cellular phone.
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} July 3, 2001
}
} Next time I try to take my revenge on a remote temple, I'm
} going to do it in an actual offroad vehicle, and not just a
} regular SUV. Two of the men died in the fall into the
} ravine. Habib broke an arm and a leg. It took two days of
} hiking to get out of the ravine and back to the road. We had
} to leave a lot of our gear behind, including most of the
} food supplies, so no more ring dings. In order to conserve
} supplies and speed up the expedition, all of us got together
} and whacked Habib over the head and grilled him rotissere
} style. We had some left, but the men decided against
} bringing it along because it would be heavy, and they hate
} leftovers.
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} July 5, 2001
}
} It has taken two days of walking and hitching to get close
} enough to the temple for our strike. Frank declined to
} finish the expedition, deciding instead to hang out with a
} cute lady who had given us a ride. Good riddance to the
} bastard! I was getting tired of his bitching and moaning,
} especially after I accidentally drove his precious SUV into
} the ravine. You'd think he didn't have insurance or
} something. We're setting up camp here so we can make an
} early dawn strike.
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
}
} July 6, 2001
}
} I am scared! So very, very scared! The strike on the temple
} didn't go anything like how I pictured it in my head. For
} one thing, those shaolin monks are viscous bastards! As we
} approached, we could see several of them dragging around
} very heavy weights attached only to their testicles! This
} was enough to make the men scream in a high pitched girly
} kind of voice, which attracted the monks attention. They
} advanced upon us. We fought valiently in hand to hand
} combat.. for about 10 seconds. Who would have thought that a
} single finger could do so much damage? The other men are
} dead.. butchered by those barbarians. I managed to slip
} away, but certainly not by kicking my captor in the nads. I
} should have known, after watching them drag those weights,
} that it would have no effect. If I don't make it out of
} here, I hope this diary falls into the hands of someone who
} can bring to light the terrible evil of the Shaolin Monks!
}
} I think I hear something in the woods.. can they have
} -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-


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