|
} About two weeks before #1228.
}
} After that the digest start coming out even more irregularly until
} #1300. Then things get, well, they get different. I can't really tell
} you what happens after that, but just so you'll be ready here's what
} #1300 will look like.
}
} ========================================================
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:31 -0500
} From: Kirsten Chevalier <Kchevalier@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1300
}
} To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
} participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word
} "ignore" in the subject line. ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark
} of the recently retired Stephen B Kinzler. Have fun there in
} Nueva Peru dude!)
}
} Let us know what you like! Send ratings of these 9 Oracularities
} on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
} volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply
} to any old message). For example:
} 1257
} 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5
}
} 1295 1 votes 00001 00001 01000 10000 00100 00100 01000 00100 00010
} 1295 >3 ave 5.0 5.0 2.0 1.0 3.0 3.0 2.0 3.0 4.0
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:32 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-01
}
} Selected-By: "Paula L. Kelly" <bright.red.lipstick@mindsprung.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise,
} >
} > Am I OK?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } No, you're CA.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-02
}
} Selected-By: Christophe <xof@aolcbscnnmsn.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Why do traffic lights turn red when I get there?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-03
}
} Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <inmate7734@singsing.gov>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise;
} >
} > Is it the blue wire or the red wire? I don't want to
} > die in a ball of flames.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } From: The Internet Oracle(tm)
} } Subject: Time Bombs with Huge Flashing Red LEDs
} }
} } Dear Interchangeable Square Jawed Hero of Every Other Action Film
} } Made in the Last Twenty Years,
} }
} } Not to worry. You will cut the correct wire. You main concern is
} } to look both deadly serious and manfully worried for a number of
} } slowly plodding minutes despite the fact everyone knows that you'll
} } cut the right wire at the last second. Sweating is good. As are
} } steely eyed stares at the LED. The Oracle reminds you not to
} } forget the obligatory flashbacks to happier times and some loud
} } bass driven music as you wait for the inevitable moment.
} }
} } Yours,
} }
} } TIO
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-04
}
} Selected-By: Lifeform <Qsweru@Weiytsd.qx>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Did you like Penn and Teller? Isn't that awful what
} > happened to them on Halloween? All that blood!
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Is -this- your card?
} } +-------------------+
} } | 3 ( ) |
} } | C (_) (_) |
} } | _|_ |
} } | _ |
} } | ( ) |
} } | (_) (_) |
} } | _|_ |
} } | _ _ |
} } | _ | _ |
} } | (_) (_) C |
} } | (_) 3 |
} } +-------------------+
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:35 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-05
}
} Selected-By: "The Holy R. Poulson" <theholyjrp@holytowers.tv>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > H.w m.ch w..d . . .
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } It was a foggy night, a drizzly night, a night that makes you want
} } to curl up by a fire with a cup of tea, not that the weather was
} } a factor mind you in my decision to stay inside and incarnate, I
} } could have gone to a show, or read a book, yet still...
} }
} } I sat down to answer a few questions, to kill some time. And there
} } it was "How much wood would a wood...", I deleted it and went
} } on to the next question. And that should have been it, yet I could
} } not deny that I had a feeling of dread, a feeling that I could not
} } shake. Outside the drizzle had turned to a steady rain. The room
} } seemed to be growing cold, a most unnatural cold.
} }
} } I answer two more questions, not 'Best of The Oracle' material, but
} } good solid answers of which I need not be ashamed and then, there
} } it was again, "How much wood would..." I deleted it.
} }
} } CRACK! Thunder, it scared me and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
} } Thunder had never startled me so as that one peal did, yet I did
} } not stop incarnating, not right then at least.
} }
} } I got up and stretched. Made a cup of tea. Then back to work, even
} } though I knew, just knew. And sure enough there it was. "How much
} } wood..." And before I could give the question the zotting it so
} } richly deserved the power failed. The only light now was from the
} } fairly steady lightening outside...
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blazes, what is that? Sounded like a tree limb, a bit of wood
} } banging, thumping against the house. WhuMP! wHumP! But from
} } where? There was no limb on any branch on any tree of this world
} } so near my home...
} }
} } I got up. I donned a slicker and when outside.
} }
} } What a queer night it was, so cold, so very, very cold.
} }
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blast it, what could that sound be?
} }
} } I jumped as an especially bright flash of lightening lit up the
} } yard. KARRRACK! came the near immediate thunder.... and then I
} } saw it, some kind of little furry thing! A furry thing throwing
} } wood at my house.
} }
} } "STOP!" I yelled.
} }
} } The thing bolted and ran.
} }
} } I chased it.
} }
} } It ran up a tree. And I after it.
} }
} } The rain was growing harder, the branches were slick, the wind
} } biting and hard. Above me I could hear a weird sound, a chit-
} } chit-chit, a mocking sound it was.
} }
} } I climbed on, higher and higher.
} }
} } And then I saw it clearly on the top of the highest limb, a little
} } rodent man and he was laughing. Laughing at me!
} }
} } Then I fell, not a quick fall, but a sliding bang-bang-bang on
} } every single branch tumble on the way down fall. And as I hit
} } the ground I witnessed it. In one huge flash and simultaneous
} } crack of gigantic proportions a bolt of lightening hit the
} } top of the tree where that beast had been and the whole tree
} } exploded in flames and splinters and boiling sap and pain.
} }
} } I tired to jump and run away, but my left leg was, it seemed,
} } twisted oddly. And it hurt. So I dragged myself away from the
} } tree as best I could.
} }
} } Behind me the tree smoldered. The driving rain having already
} } doused the hellish fire it had become. The stench of burnt wood
} } was only slightly less than a stench of a manner I can not quite
} } describe, a kind of rotten eggs and singed hair stench.
} }
} } I had to get inside, but I could crawl no more. I looked to my
} } home. No lights were on, how could they not have heard that
} } otherworldly blast?
} }
} } Yet no light was on.
} }
} } I had to get their attention.
} }
} } Around me lay bits of warm chunks of wood, wood from the smitten
} } tree.
} }
} } I picked up a piece and threw it at my home. It hit the house
} } with a resounding WHUMP! I picked up another and chucked it
} } too at my home. WHUMP! And another. WHUMp! and another!
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } I chucked wood at my house until I could chuck no more and then
} } I rolled over on my back in the rain and let the cold downpour
} } wash my soul into the soil, cold and alone.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:36 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-06
}
} Selected-By: The Nolan's <mikeandsueandotto@home.net>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Wises Oracle,
} >
} > What signs get asked what?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } ====================================================================
} } Questions Astrological Signs Ask
} }
} } .-. .-.
} } (_ \ / _) Aries- "Why do I look like cleavage?"
} }
} } . .
} } '.___.' Taurus- "This makes me look fat! Why couldn't
} } .' `. I get that cute cleavage symbol like
} } : : Aries?"
} } : :
} } `.___.'
} }
} } ._____.
} } | | Gemini- "Will id -ever- cough up royalties for
} } | | using me in the name of " Quake ][ "?
} } _|_|_
} }
} } .--.
} } / _`. Cancer- "How can I quite looking like dancing
} } (_) ( ) sperm?"
} }
} } .--.
} } ( ) Leo- "Do I look -anything- like a lion to you?"
} } (_) /
} } (_,
} }
} } _
} } ' `:--.--.
} } | | |_ Virgo- "People keep confusing be with Scorpio the
} } | | | ) horny sign, <giggle>, is that a scream or
} } | | |/ what?"
} } (J
} }
} } __
} } ___.' '.___ Libra- "Scales! Scales! Why can't I look like scales
} } ____________ instead of a speed bump?"
} }
} }
} } _
} } ' `:--.--.
} } | | | Scorpius- "You got a sister?"
} }
} } ...
} } .': Sagittarius- "Sagittarians are too serious to even
} } .' believe in astrology, why do we have
} } `..' a sign?"
} } .'`.
} }
} } _
} } \ /_) Capricorn- "I feel like a Visual Basic icon! I hate
} } \ /`. VB, I'm into perl! What can I do to look
} } \ / ; more like a Swiss Army Chainsaw?"
} } \/ __.'
} }
} }
} } .-"-._.-"-._.- Aquarius- "How can I convince my whining cohorts to
} } .-"-._.-"-._.- accept themselves as they are?"
} }
} }
} } `-. .-' Pisces- "I look like a bug! I want to look like
} } : : a marlin, what can I do?"
} }
} }
} } The Oracle thanks http://www.ascii-art.de/ascii/index_xyz.html
} } for the art "@@ Signs of the Zodiac @@ 11/96 (c)jgs". A great
} } site full of acsii art. All they ask is to include the name of
} } the artist if you use some art, such as 'jgs' was noted here.
} }
} } THe Oracle may be all knowing, but an artist he is not.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a "Slow Children Ahead" sign.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:37 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-07
}
} Re-selected-By: Davy O'Hemming <irelad@darkpub.ie>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How will The Lord of the Rings Part I film end?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Okay. You asked for it!
} } .
} } .
} } Spoiler to follow!
} } \ /
} } -----------------------
} } TURN BACK NOW IF YOU
} } DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE
} } ENDING OF THE FILM!!
} }
} } SPOILER STARTS NOW!
} }
} } *************************
} } At the very end of the
} } film they show the names
} } of all the people who
} } helped make the movie!!!
} } *************************
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a very expensive bag of popcorn.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:38 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-08
}
} Selected-By: "Direct Marketing Atkinson" <calm@hugspam.org>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle, wise guy that you are,
} >
} > What am I not thinking about?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Why you've never notice that your kid looks like
} } the milkman.
}
} ====| EOF #1300 |====
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
