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Internet Oracularities #1228

Goto:
1228, 1228-01, 1228-02, 1228-03, 1228-04, 1228-05, 1228-06, 1228-07, 1228-08, 1228-09, 1228-10


Internet Oracularities #1228    (70 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001 11:50:42 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1228
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1228  70 votes 1aum7 458jy 1fllc 3gpga 2joeb 3ipea 19pjg 5fmia 8on96 3eth7
1228  3.3 mean  3.3   4.1   3.4   3.2   3.2   3.1   3.6   3.2   2.7   3.2


1228-01    (1aum7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!
>
> Turns out my girlfriend bores the heck out of me.  I want to break
> up with her, but don't want to be rude and tell her that it is only
> by massive effort of will that I avoid passing out into my gazpacho
> every time I'm out with her.  Please supply me with a more appropriate
> excuse for the breakup.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Been there, done that, got the restraining order.
}
} There are two basic approaches. One, you gently but firmly explain
} that it's just not working out. Don't offer *any* explanations beyond
} that at all (and whatever you do, do not let the words "it's not you,
} it's me" cross your lips). It's not working out, you're sorry, and you
} wish them well for the future. This method is mature, sensible, and
} adult and thus it is used in less than 5% of all breakup situations,
} because there just aren't that many mature adults running around.
}
} The other method, used by immature, neurotic cowards (in other words,
} people like you and me) is to try and make the other person do the
} dirty work for you, by being so unattractive, unlikable, or simply
} weird that they choose to break up with you. Try any or all of the
} following: eat your gazpacho with your fingers; scream at the waiter
} that your soup isn't cold enough; or insist on reciting an epic poem
} about your passionate love for gazpacho.
}
} You may also want to consider the possibility that a variation on
} this technique is currently being used on YOU. Boring. Good one.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to tactfully tell someone that they kiss
} like a drooling goat.


1228-02    (458jy dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, when's digest 1227 coming out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About two weeks before #1228.
}
} After that the digest start coming out even more irregularly until
} #1300. Then things get, well, they get different. I can't really tell
} you what happens after that, but just so you'll be ready here's what
} #1300 will look like.
}
} ========================================================
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:31 -0500
} From: Kirsten Chevalier <Kchevalier@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #1300
}
} To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
} participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word
} "ignore" in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark
} of the recently retired Stephen B Kinzler. Have fun there in
} Nueva Peru dude!)
}
} Let us know what you like!  Send ratings of these 9 Oracularities
} on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
} volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply
} to any old message).  For example:
}     1257
}     5 5 5 5   5   5 5 5 5
}
} 1295  1 votes  00001 00001 01000 10000 00100 00100 01000 00100 00010
} 1295   >3 ave   5.0   5.0   2.0   1.0   3.0   3.0   2.0   3.0   4.0
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:32 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-01
}
} Selected-By: "Paula L. Kelly" <bright.red.lipstick@mindsprung.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise,
} >
} > Am I OK?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } No, you're CA.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-02
}
} Selected-By: Christophe <xof@aolcbscnnmsn.com>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Why do traffic lights turn red when I get there?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } You'd turn red too if you had to change in the street.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Jan 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-03
}
} Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <inmate7734@singsing.gov>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle most wise;
} >
} > Is it the blue wire or the red wire? I don't want to
} > die in a ball of flames.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } From: The Internet Oracle(tm)
} } Subject: Time Bombs with Huge Flashing Red LEDs
} }
} } Dear Interchangeable Square Jawed Hero of Every Other Action Film
} } Made in the Last Twenty Years,
} }
} } Not to worry. You will cut the correct wire. You main concern is
} } to look both deadly serious and manfully worried for a number of
} } slowly plodding minutes despite the fact everyone knows that you'll
} } cut the right wire at the last second. Sweating is good. As are
} } steely eyed stares at the LED. The Oracle reminds you not to
} } forget the obligatory flashbacks to happier times and some loud
} } bass driven music as you wait for the inevitable moment.
} }
} } Yours,
} }
} } TIO
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:34 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-04
}
} Selected-By: Lifeform <Qsweru@Weiytsd.qx>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Did you like Penn and Teller? Isn't that awful what
} > happened to them on Halloween? All that blood!
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} }  Is  -this-  your card?
} }  +-------------------+
} }  | 3      ( )        |
} }  | C    (_) (_)      |
} }  |        _|_        |
} }  |         _         |
} }  |        ( )        |
} }  |      (_) (_)      |
} }  |        _|_        |
} }  |        _ _        |
} }  |       _ | _       |
} }  |      (_) (_)    C |
} }  |        (_)      3 |
} }  +-------------------+
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:35 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-05
}
} Selected-By: "The Holy R. Poulson" <theholyjrp@holytowers.tv>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > H.w m.ch w..d . . .
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } It was a foggy night, a drizzly night, a night that makes you want
} } to curl up by a fire with a cup of tea, not that the weather was
} } a factor mind you in my decision to stay inside and incarnate, I
} } could have gone to a show, or read a book, yet still...
} }
} } I sat down to answer a few questions, to kill some time. And there
} } it was "How much wood would a wood...", I deleted it and went
} } on to the next question. And that should have been it, yet I could
} } not deny that I had a feeling of dread, a feeling that I could not
} } shake. Outside the drizzle had turned to a steady rain. The room
} } seemed to be growing cold, a most unnatural cold.
} }
} } I answer two more questions, not 'Best of The Oracle' material, but
} } good solid answers of which I need not be ashamed and then, there
} } it was again, "How much wood would..." I deleted it.
} }
} } CRACK! Thunder, it scared me and I nearly jumped out of my skin.
} } Thunder had never startled me so as that one peal did, yet I did
} } not stop incarnating, not right then at least.
} }
} } I got up and stretched. Made a cup of tea. Then back to work, even
} } though I knew, just knew. And sure enough there it was. "How much
} } wood..." And before I could give the question the zotting it so
} } richly  deserved the power failed. The only light now was from the
} } fairly steady lightening outside...
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blazes, what is that? Sounded like a tree limb, a bit of wood
} } banging, thumping against the house. WhuMP! wHumP! But from
} } where? There was no limb on any branch on any tree of this world
} } so near my home...
} }
} } I got up. I donned a slicker and when outside.
} }
} } What a queer night it was, so cold, so very, very cold.
} }
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } Blast it, what could that sound be?
} }
} } I jumped as an especially bright flash of lightening lit up the
} } yard. KARRRACK! came the near immediate thunder.... and then I
} } saw it, some kind of little furry thing! A furry thing throwing
} } wood at my house.
} }
} } "STOP!" I yelled.
} }
} } The thing bolted and ran.
} }
} } I chased it.
} }
} } It ran up a tree. And I after it.
} }
} } The rain was growing harder, the branches were slick, the wind
} } biting and hard. Above me I could hear a weird sound, a chit-
} } chit-chit, a mocking sound it was.
} }
} } I climbed on, higher and higher.
} }
} } And then I saw it clearly on the top of the highest limb, a little
} } rodent man and he was laughing. Laughing at me!
} }
} } Then I fell, not a quick fall, but a sliding bang-bang-bang on
} } every single branch tumble on the way down fall. And as I hit
} } the ground I witnessed it. In one huge flash and simultaneous
} } crack of gigantic proportions a bolt of lightening hit the
} } top of the tree where that beast had been and the whole tree
} } exploded in flames and splinters and boiling sap and pain.
} }
} } I tired to jump and run away, but my left leg was, it seemed,
} } twisted oddly. And it hurt. So I dragged myself away from the
} } tree as best I could.
} }
} } Behind me the tree smoldered. The driving rain having already
} } doused the hellish fire it had become. The stench of burnt wood
} } was only slightly less than a stench of a manner I can not quite
} } describe, a kind of rotten eggs and singed hair stench.
} }
} } I had to get inside, but I could crawl no more. I looked to my
} } home. No lights were on, how could they not have heard that
} } otherworldly blast?
} }
} } Yet no light was on.
} }
} } I had to get their attention.
} }
} } Around me lay bits of warm chunks of wood, wood from the smitten
} } tree.
} }
} } I picked up a piece and threw it at my home. It hit the house
} } with a resounding WHUMP! I picked up another and chucked it
} } too at my home. WHUMP! And another. WHUMp! and another!
} }
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} } WHUMP!
} }
} } I chucked wood at my house until I could chuck no more and then
} } I rolled over on my back in the rain and let the cold downpour
} } wash my soul into the soil, cold and alone.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:36 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-06
}
} Selected-By: The Nolan's <mikeandsueandotto@home.net>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Wises Oracle,
} >
} > What signs get asked what?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } ====================================================================
} }              Questions Astrological Signs Ask
} }
} }   .-.   .-.
} }  (_  \ /  _)     Aries- "Why do I look like cleavage?"
} }
} }    .     .
} }    '.___.'       Taurus- "This makes me look fat! Why couldn't
} }    .'   `.                I get that cute cleavage symbol like
} }   :       :               Aries?"
} }   :       :
} }    `.___.'
} }
} }    ._____.
} }      | |         Gemini- "Will id -ever- cough up royalties for
} }      | |                  using me in the name of " Quake ][ "?
} }     _|_|_
} }
} }      .--.
} }     /   _`.      Cancer- "How can I quite looking like dancing
} }    (_) ( )                sperm?"
} }
} }      .--.
} }     (    )       Leo- "Do I look -anything- like a lion to you?"
} }    (_)  /
} }        (_,
} }
} }   _
} }  ' `:--.--.
} }     |  |  |_     Virgo- "People keep confusing be with Scorpio the
} }     |  |  | )            horny sign, <giggle>, is that a scream or
} }     |  |  |/             what?"
} }          (J
} }
} }       __
} }  ___.'  '.___    Libra- "Scales! Scales! Why can't I look like scales
} }  ____________            instead of a speed bump?"
} }
} }
} }   _
} }  ' `:--.--.
} }     |  |  |      Scorpius- "You got a sister?"
} }
} }          ...
} }          .':     Sagittarius- "Sagittarians are too serious to even
} }        .'                      believe in astrology, why do we have
} }    `..'                        a sign?"
} }    .'`.
} }
} }            _
} }    \      /_)    Capricorn- "I feel like a Visual Basic icon! I hate
} }     \    /`.                 VB, I'm into perl! What can I do to look
} }      \  /   ;                more like a Swiss Army Chainsaw?"
} }       \/ __.'
} }
} }
} } .-"-._.-"-._.-   Aquarius- "How can I convince my whining cohorts to
} } .-"-._.-"-._.-              accept themselves as they are?"
} }
} }
} }   `-.    .-'     Pisces- "I look like a bug! I want to look like
} }      :  :                 a marlin, what can I do?"
} }
} }
} } The Oracle thanks http://www.ascii-art.de/ascii/index_xyz.html
} } for the art "@@ Signs of the Zodiac @@  11/96  (c)jgs". A great
} } site full of acsii art. All they ask is to include the name of
} } the artist if you use some art, such as 'jgs' was noted here.
} }
} } THe Oracle may be all knowing, but an artist he is not.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a "Slow Children Ahead" sign.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:37 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-07
}
} Re-selected-By: Davy O'Hemming <irelad@darkpub.ie>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > How will The Lord of the Rings Part I film end?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Okay. You asked for it!
} } .
} } .
} } Spoiler to follow!
} }   \ /
} } -----------------------
} }  TURN BACK NOW IF YOU
} } DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE
} }  ENDING OF THE FILM!!
} }
} }   SPOILER STARTS NOW!
} }
} } *************************
} } At the very end of the
} } film they show the names
} } of all the people who
} } helped make the movie!!!
} } *************************
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a very expensive bag of popcorn.
}
} ------------------------------
} Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 17:19:38 -0500
} From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: Internet Oracularity #1300-08
}
} Selected-By: "Direct Marketing Atkinson" <calm@hugspam.org>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle, wise guy that you are,
} >
} > What am I not thinking about?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Why you've never notice that your kid looks like
} } the milkman.
}
} ====| EOF #1300 |====


1228-03    (1fllc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What will be the biggest surprises when "The Lord of The Rings"
> film is released?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10. The Religious Right will be out in force to
}     condemn the evils of cohobbitation.
} 9. Martha Stewart will have a special on what to do
}    with all your leftover lembas.
} 8. The same no-life looneytune who created a
}    programming language for Klingons will announce his
}    own hacked version of MacOS localized for Sindarin.
} 7. Read the f'n ShadowFAQ.
} 6. Nursery rhymes will become mysteriously longer.
} 5. New flavors at Ben and Jerry's: Frodo Fudge, Sauron
}    Patch Kids, Bilboberry.
} 4. Rosie O'Donnell starts referring to Ring Dings as
}    "My Preciouses".
} 3. The US Army Rangers get an even bigger case on
}    themselves.
} 2. Forests finally get fed up and literally walk
}    picket lines until loggers give up.
}
} And the number one big surprise when the LoTR movies
} come out...
}
} 1. One ring to rule them all,
}    One ring to find them,
}    One ring to bring them all,
}    And in the darkness bind them....
}
}    but no smokers/weirdos, be discreet, and only if
}    you're serious, box 1138.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ent (and an uncle).


1228-04    (3gpga dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose mind knows no limits between races:
>
> Why don't asian actors ever get roles in movies where they aren't
> playing stereotypical asian people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: Let me introduce you to my new pal Long Lyne!
}
} [ Smallish, though highly muscular oriental man leaps
}   into the room. ]
}
} Long: HHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiya!
}
} Orrie: What Long excels at is hacking up lines that are way
}        too long because people don't know how to use the
}        <enter> key anymore. Watch this!
}
} [ The Oracle tosses a question at Long. ]
}
} Long: HHhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiya! YA! YA! YA!
}
} [ In a lightning flurry of hands and feet Long hacks the
}   auto-line-wrap mess into a more correct format! ]
}
} "Why don't asian actors ever get roles in movies where
}  they aren't playing stereotypical asian people?"
}
} Orrie: You are incredible.
}
} [ Long bows. ]
}
} Orrie: Care to answer the question for us too?
}
} Long: Why would I want a role as fat white geek boy or
}       sleazy trailer trash? Much better be inscrutable
}       martial artist.
}
} Orrie: Thanks little fella.
}
} Long: Uuuuu, ah so.
}
} Orrie: What was that?


1228-05    (2joeb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most accomplished, most copious, most libidinous,
> and slightly scurrilous,
>
> Where's the party going to be this weekend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright supplicant, How shall I put this?
}
} The Oracle - God of Prognostication, Knower of all things.
}
} Dionysius - God of Hedonism and Debauchery - AND PARTIES.
}
} Listen, you'd think you Norse Gods, as big a bunch of beer guzzlers
} as you are, would have your own God of Swilling Hooch.  But no, you
} had to be cheap and miss out on the draft, and let the Greeks get
} the good Party Gods and the Fraternity Franchise.  And then to make
} matters worse, you put Loki in charge of the bash, and (PREDICTABLY)
} he spiked the brownies with Ex-Lax(tm).
}
} I can't do it here any more, Thor.  After Odin went around groping
} Lisa, and Tyr was telling everyone to "pull his stump," Lisa is fed up.
} I'm not going to even go into what you did with my collection of Ming
} Pottery with that damn hammer of yours.
}
} And forget about Kinzler.  He still gets this tic whenever I mention
} you.  And he still hasn't gotten the stain the Fenris wolf left on
} his carpet out.  Criminy, man! You'd think after a few millenia that
} pup would be house broken.
}
} If I was really spiteful, I'd turn you over to Zadoc and put him
} in charge.  But I'm not.
}
} Seriously, I know you think he's a fruitcake, but you really
} need to bury the hatchet with Dionysius.  And not in his head,
} you raving berserker.  Send him a basket of cheese, and make nice.
} He's got the overhead and the connections, not to mention the space.
} I tried to help you out, but it's just not working here, and I have
} too much to do this weekend.  Okay?
}
} You owe the Oracle some industrial strength carpet cleaner, and a
} crew of thralls to glue pottery.


1228-06    (3ipea dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Grand and much spiffier than a tv dinner Oracle, whose physician
> prescribed eyeglasses can magnify the sunlight to burn a 2 mile hole
> through the center of China, making Tiennamen Square look like a small
> church pic-nic :
>
> Tell me please, Why are they called 'ice cream socials' when it's the
> people who are milling about and talking? The only thing i've ever seen
> the ice cream do is to huddle frightened at the center of the table.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is yet another example of how language shifts over the years.  The
} original term was "ice cream sociopath", which has its origins in a
} rather gruesome historical incident, in which one Lars Cedric Faddlewok
} stabbed thirteen people to death with a popsicle stick in an ice cream
} headache inspired rage.
}
} This incident is also the source of the famous and quite chilling
} (sorry) chant:
}      I scream
}      You scream
}      We all scream
}      for ice cream!
}
} After that, any large group of people eating ice cream was cause for an
} "ice cream sociopath alert", which was, eventually, corrupted to "ice
} cream social".
}
} And now you know... the REST of the story.
}
} You owe the Oracle an excuse to eat an entire pint of double-fudge
} chocolate chunk all by myself.


1228-07    (19pjg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you charge for delivery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to make the kid's middle name Orrie, that's all I ask.


1228-08    (5fmia dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a slightly used soul going for nowadays, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's going for a pizza, want it to pick you up one, too?


1228-09    (8on96 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stick with me kid, I'll get ya into the Oracularities!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chapter 2
}
} Meanwhile, on a small mountain, located on the eastern face of a
} much larger one, so that it could get good sunlight in the morning,
} during the Time of Answering, an apprentice is troubled.
}
} "Oracle," he says to the Great Teacher, "your wisdom exceedeth the
} summation of sagacity of all the learned peoples of all times and all
} places, excepting those who use hotmail, as their wisdom contributes
} negatively to this total, thus rendering it insufficiently large for
} worthy comparison; your insight so penetrates that thou canst see a
} broken heart from thirty-four paces in a hailstorm; your breath smells
} as a warehouse full of chocolate bars with the air conditioner broken
} on the third of July, just after the bars soften, and just before they
} begin to run out their packaging; why did this supplicant not grovel?"
}
} Taking a deep breath, he continues, "My wit is insufficient to
} find an encoded message, save 'Tick skid time?', to which I would reply
} '3:13 in the morning, UTC, on the morning of July 17, 2017, when you
} will pursue a deer through high grass in teflon boots;' but this has
} not, so far as my feeble eye can see, the Buddha nature. So I ask your
} beneficence, to whom the Buddha defers, and the Nazarane embraceth as
} an uncle: why did this supplicant not grovel?"
}
} Yet still, the Oracle spoke not. "What I ask three times must not
} be a stupid question," continueth the apprentice, "yet in the
} supplicant's question, I can not see a Star Trek episode, for Uhura has
} not the translator for Hollywood; there is no alternate future
} timeline, for the sidekick must die for the main character to escape,
} and the heroine must be freed just before ravishment, lest the
} unnatural order of things collapse, and the Great Renaming be undone;
} and despite thy Incarnate soul, I have no mockery of dead white male
} poetry which suffices to eludicate the depth of the supplicant's
} foolishness: so I ask ye, in your reticence: why did this supplicant
} not grovel?"
}
} And the Oracle, apparently satisfied that the apprentice Really
} Wants To Know, speaketh, saying:
}
} "You owe me the prequels to this question, and a better name than
} 'Attack of the Clones.'"


1228-10    (3eth7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4@osu.edu)" <mtlrph@excite.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me the features of the Oracle programming language I heard
> you designed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OPL (Oracle Programming Language) v1.1
}
} The grammar of an Oracle query is a follows:
}
} <GROVEL>,
} <BACKGROUND INFO>*
} <QUESTION>
}
} where
}
} <GROVEL> = Oh <ADJECTIVES> Oracle, who <ABILITY>
}
} <ADJECTIVES> = <[most, wisest, sexiest, holiest]>
} <ABILITY> = can <VERB> <OBJECT> <TWIST>
} <TWIST> = <[with something surprising about the task of <VERB> <OBJECT>]
}   or [without something usually associated with <VERB><OBJECT>]>
} <VERB> = you figure it out
} <OBJECT> = see verb
}
} <BACKGROUND INFO> = <UNNECESSARILY LONG DESCRIPTION OF PROBLEM>
}
} <QUESTION> = <[who,what,where,why,how]> <OBJECT> <VERB> <OBJECT>
}
} By supplying a database at run time, inane questions to the Oracle can
} now be automated.  For instance, even with a small database such as:
}
} {Objects:  fish, frog, tulip, dinner, bottle}, {Verbs: throw, run,
} think}, {Twist: without breathing, while doing laundry, underwater},
} {Background info: I've been seeing this girl for 5 years, Star Trek
} isn't as interesting as it used to be, My mother's name is Carol}
}
} There are a number of queries that can be formulated, such as:
}
} Oh wisest Oracle, who can run with tulips underwater,
} My mother's name is Carol.  What do frogs think about dinner?
}
} For version 2.0, the Oracle plans to add an answer feature that answers
} with a witty response that incorporates the "Get your free mail at
} Yahoo" signature.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle that throws fish while doing laundry.


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