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Internet Oracularities #1229

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Internet Oracularities #1229    (70 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 19 Aug 2001 11:15:11 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1229
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1229  70 votes 5clgg bon93 6ulb2 68jmf 47jsc aeoca 35pt8 7anic 4blnb 4dsh8
1229  3.2 mean  3.4   2.6   2.6   3.5   3.5   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.4   3.2


1229-01    (5clgg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please rewind video cassette after use.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Useless direction on the cover of the Hemlock Society's "How To" tape.


1229-02    (bon93 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Time is holding/Time isn't after us/Same as it ever was/
> Same as it ever was"
>
> What does that mean, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well this has been contemplated many, many times.
}
} This is just part of a long series of motion/mantra
} meditations.
}
} This particular mantra goes with this action:
}
} Done preferably standing.
}
} 1.  Place left arm bent at 90 degrees in front of
} your body with the palm flat and facing the chest.
}
} 2.  With your right hand flat and vertical with the
} palm facing to the left, place the blade of the right
} hand in the angle made by your fore arm and upper.
}
} 3.  Now bounce the right hand along the arm to the
} right.  Keeping the right hand flat and vertical.
}
} 4.  When you reach the end of the left arm, arc the
} right hand back to the original position and begin the
} bouncing again.  You will want to bounce about every
} 4-5 inches.
}
} 5.  During this exercise. Say or Sing the verse and
} contemplate its meaning.
}
} You may learn more about this and other exciting
} meditations in the Book Of The Talking Heads 3:16


1229-03    (6ulb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ingenious is the Oracle, the wisdom-bringing emissary of the
> immortals, the Oracle never complains for he tows the line
> attached to duty willfully,
>
> What did people do before there was an Internet Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, as you know, "the answer is out there"...so back
} in the old days, people pondered where this "there"
} would be. Some people jumped of large cliffs and
} tried to fly "there", others jumped into the seas and
} tried to dive "there", the rest started digging into earth
} and so we discovered lava. Quite the treasure, really,
} answered alot of questions, not the ones they wanted to
} hear about, but then...life is very complex and you
} shouldn't question the universe when it reaches out to
} you through the ground and tries to embrace you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new asbestos shoes


1229-04    (68jmf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aargh!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Orrie: And here he is The One. The Only... Captain Hook!
}
} [ A gruff ol' salt, with one wooden leg, a black patch
} over one eye, a sleeping parrot on one shoulder and
} a hook for a hand makes his way nosily to center stage.
} He clears his throat, rubs the dark stumble on his chin
} with his good hand, tries to jostle his parrot awake
} with a vigorous shoulder shrug or two, gives up, and
} then speaks.]
}
} Q: What's a pirate's favorite country?
} A: Aargh-entina.
}
} Q: Where do teenage pirates hang out?
} A: The video Aarghcade.
}
} Q: What size fries do pirates always order?
} A: Extra-Aargh.
}
} Q: Which of the ghosts in "A Christmas Carol," do pirates
} like the best?
} A: Jacob Maarghley.
}
} Q: What kind of socks do pirates wear?
} A: Wool.
}
} Orrie: Hmm, I think I've heard those all before. By the
} by your parrot seems to have fallen off your
} shoulder.
}
} Hook: It's just sleeping, it is.
}
} Orrie: I think it's more than that.
}
} Hook: Aargh you Aarghuing with me?
}
} Orrie: Well no, but, well I bought these crackers and I
} thought perhaps. . .
}
} Hook: Oracle or no, don't be messing with me. I was a
} buccaneer, had a price on my head.
}
} Orrie: Really now, how much?
}
} Hook: Just told ya, a buck an ear.
}
} Orrie: Aargh.


1229-05    (47jsc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this the end?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most common question on first dates among worms.


1229-06    (aeoca dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge of literature dwarfs all other scholars, tell
> me:
>
> In Dr. Suess' "Green Eggs and Ham", is the ham also green, or is it
> just the eggs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's just check the reference book for the original version:
}
} I said I hate green eggs and ham.
} I said I hate them, damn you Sam!
}
} If you should bring them on my plane,
} Don't plan to see your home again.
} If you approach me on a boat,
} I'll shove that ham right down your throat!
}
} Get it through your skull so thick--
} Green eggs and ham, they make me sick!
}
} The ham looks like green doggy duke;
} Those slimey eggs just make me puke.
} If I ate them, I would vomit
} Projectiles just like Halley's comet!
}
} Now remove them from my face
} Before I have to trash this place.
}
} Should you serve them with a fox
} Or inside a cardboard box,
} I'd burn the box, all flaming red
} And eat the roasted fox instead.
}
} I know I've said this once before
} I'm sure you think I'm quite the bore.
} But I can't stand green eggs and ham.
} I mean I hate them, damn you Sam!
}
} What is it with you, Sam I croaked
} (I'm all worked up, my voice is choked.)
} You think I want this crap, I coughed
} Do you have ties to Microsoft?
}
} Have you bundled IE in your ham?
} So Reno will ignore it Sam?
} Well I won't eat it anyway,
} Not for a million bucks a day!
}
} Now leave at once, you are dismissed.
} Damn you Sam, I'm getting pissed!
} I told you how I hate that crap.
} Don't make me give your face a slap.
}
} Shut up Sam, don't make me smack you.
} The great Cornholio will attack you.
} Green eggs and ham by any rights
} We have to say, Huh-huh, this bites!
}
} Pretty green ham, I'd say.  I mean, this guy does not want to eat this
} stuff, and he's pretty violent about it.
}
} You owe Scott Ennis a thousands hits to this multi-authored,
} poem-in-progress (http://www.angelfire.com/mi/scottennis/index.html).


1229-07    (35pt8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since even the remote words of the Oracle from times long gone
> deserve praise, much more worthy of praise is what he says of
> late, for The Oracle has added to the Earth's inheritance of
> knowledge and gave us the empire of technology which we now
> possess, and The Oracle spared no pains to be able to leave us
> these acquisitions that so aid the present generation. Praise
> the Oracle one and all!
>
> Can one have too much of a good thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are those who will tell you can be neither too rich nor too thin,
} but it is certainly possible to have too much of a good thing.
}
} A good thing:  A girlfriend
} Too much of a good thing: Two girlfriends (trust me on this one)
}
} A good thing: Television
} Too much of a good thing:  Television
}
} A good thing:  Six inches
} Too much of a good thing:  Six feet
}
} A good thing: Hamlet
} Too much of a good thing: Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet
}
} A good thing: New Year's Eve
} Too much of a good thing: The morning after New Year's Eve
}
} You owe the Oracle any extra girlfriends you may happen to have surplus.


1229-08    (7anic dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most appreciative, please enlighten this supplicant:
>
> This afternoon my company is hosting an "ice cream social" as
> an employee appreciation event.  However I have been feeling
> sincerely UNappreciated over the last month or so.  My question
> is, should I boycot the event to prove that I cannot be bought
> with a scoop of ice cream with fudge on top, or should I go
> and eat everything I can to waste as much of the company's money?
> Or do you have a better idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you should do supplicant. Disconnect the handset of
} your phone. Wait until 3:30 when the overseer comes by to unlock
} the chain that connects you to your desk as you are being lined
} up with your fellow employees that are part of your chain gang take
} the handset and keep it out of view of the overseer. Hopefully,
} other employees will have gathered useful weapons (mouse flails
} and network cable garottes will work).
}
} Next, let yourself be herded to the event where the ice cream will
} be served. Hopefully, the vanilla ice cream will be served in a
} plastic bowl. Eat your ice cream quickly. Then in your most pathetic
} voice possible ask "can I have some more, sir?" Your request should
} be quickly rejected as it has not been filed in triplicate to the
} proper committee. Use this injustice to rile up your fellow employees
} by banging the bowl on a hard surface and rhythmically chanting "more,
} more, more" until the MOMENT. You must watch for the MOMENT and seize
} it as the overseers begin to move towards you (the obvious instigator)
} your fellow employees should move in with the network cables, mouse
} flails and phone handset and ATTACK!
}
} Ideally the CEO, COO and assorted VPs should be attendance at the
} "ice cream social" and you will be able to corner them as an angry
} mob with little difficulty. Yelling "ALL I WANTED WAS A LITTLE
} APPRECIATION!!!" with spittle flying from your face should impress
} them with the sincerity of your concerns. Having made your point
} you should allow the crowd to be placated with a choice of additional
} ice cream flavours and toppings.
}
} Now things will start to happen for you. Having shown yourself as
} clear headed, leader of men (and women) management will come knocking
} at your cell with opportunities. A better place on the chain. A
} possible shot at an overseer position. Maybe even a personalized
} whip for keeping other employees in line could be yours. All it
} takes is a bit of back bone and a good back hand with a telephone
} handset and a middle management position could be yours!
}
} You owe the Oracle a dream, a dream where one day all workers will
} be appreciated for the hard working, decent people they are. Now...
} get back to work!


1229-09    (4blnb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Plese tell me how becoming tchnecal writer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Greetings, supplicant.
}
} There are three types of technical writing:
}
}     1.) Quality technical writing, a rarely found type, which results
} in easy to read (and difficult to misunderstand) manuals, and
} documentation that is both complete and useful.
}
}     2.) Technical writing of a lower quality than the above (which
} covers most products).
}
}     3.) Technical writing whose origins may have been either of the
} above initially, but which has been poorly (and generally amusingly)
} mistranslated from any foreign language into your language.  Your
} language, based on your question, may not actually be English.
}
} Anyways, the Oracle being omnic, er.. ominsci, er... all-knowing, has
} realized that you want to know how to become a bad translator for the
} specific subbranch of technical writing known as assembly instructions.
} I believe there are university courses available in this, but it all
} boils down to some basic first principles.
}
} 1.)  Nouns are your friend.  Verbs are your enemy.  If you must use a
} verb, remember they must be treated as the insignificant words they are
} and place them at the end of the sentence.
}
} eg:
}
} Bolt Nut Washer hole board tighteningly insert.
}
} Of course, while the above is acceptable, "Bolt nut washer hole board."
} would be better still.
}
} 2.) Aim for lack of clarity.
}
} A bad example:
}
} Please the gear box from step 12 on top of the axle from step 3.
}
} Better:
}
} Gear box on axle.
}
} Best:
}
} axle gear.
}
} 3.) Leave steps out (or parts off the inventory)
}
} eg:
}
} Part list:
}
} A) One board, 4" by 8 '
} B) Three screws
} C) One 1/4' allen key
} D) 4 Hex head bolts
}
} Instructions
}
} 1) Take the steel cross plate (F) and insert the plastic lock tight
} screws (H)
}
} (of course, step 1 above violates rule 1 - were we using all the rules
} at once in this example, it might read:
}
} lock cross steel screws plate plastic.)
}
} 4.) If at all possible, provide instructions in at least 6 or 7
} language in which you lack fluency. Even more preferable is that none
} of the probable consumers have fluency in those languages either.
}
} Ideally, using a simple example (how to assemble your bagel snack
} pack), usable instructions might read, assuming your target audience is
} English:
}
} 1.) Using the plastic knife, separate the halves of the bagel.
} 2.) Open the cream cheese container, and use the plastic knife to
} transfer the cream cheese to the bagel halves.
} 3.) Using the plastic knife, spread the cream cheese across the bagel.
} 4.) Eat and enjoy.
}
} Our ideal instructions to include with the package would be as follows:
}
} 1.) mitades del panecillo cuchillo plM-astico, separe.
} 2.) poner crema, el cuchillo plM-astico mitades del panecillo
} transferir 4.) come y goza.
}
} 1.) plastica lama, le metM-` del bagel
} 4.) formaggio cremoso lama plastica per trasferire il formaggio cremoso
} 7.) per mezzo della lama di plastica, spanda il formaggio cremoso
} attraverso il bagel.
} 2.) mangia mangia mangia mangia angina e gode.
}
} Owing Oracle are you rum bottle of.


1229-10    (4dsh8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bouncing Oracle, why do you reject my e-mail to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has a long standing policy of not accepting email
} that has a Buick full of wolverines included as an attachment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a safer parking spot.


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