} Alas, but our love is not fated to be!
} You are a human damsel, but me ....
} I am but a pile of silicon bones,
} Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones.
} Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong
} With scraplets of story or poem or song.
} I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed
} For sexual pleasure or giving of head.
} My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense,
} I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents,
} I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep
} Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>".
} I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace,
} And never allow you to sit on my face,
} I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you:
} "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue."
} I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat
} And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat.
} I'll never have sex except right in the bed
} Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head.
} I *must* be on top, there's no other way
} (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.)
} No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees,
} In church every Sunday, and down on your knees.
} Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick
} (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.)
} We'll meet in late April, be married in June,
} And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon.
} I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill:
} You were born to make babies and make them you will.
} I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies
} And tend them through colic and measles and rabies.
} Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle,
} And make sure he's elected three times without fayle.
} When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again --
} Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin.
} It's a wonderful life for you and for me,
} And highly approved by the great GOP!
} So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong.
} You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song.
} -- Lemur
} (If you've read every word and think you see through this,
} I'll hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)