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Internet Oracularities #123

Goto:
123, 123-01, 123-02, 123-03, 123-04, 123-05, 123-06, 123-07, 123-08, 123-09, 123-10


Usenet Oracularities #123    (14 votes, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Feb 90 03:19:34 GMT

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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

123   14 votes 64211 02417 05342 43331 14333 10139 01814 33422 00833 14621
123   3.2 mean  2.1   3.9   3.2   2.6   3.2   4.4   3.6   2.8   3.6   2.9


123-01    (64211 dist, 2.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle,
>
>   Why is it that everytime I start to do my Russian homework, I have an
> incredible urge to put an Iron Maiden tape in my stereo, and play Wasted
> Years really loud?  Do you like Iron Maiden???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  I prefer buttplugs.


123-02    (02417 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    How do I commit the perfect murder?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The perfect murder, eh?  Well, obviously you've mucked it up by asking
} me, because there is a small chance (<0.001%) that I might squeel to the
} police that you want to commit murder.
}
} Helping you commit the perfect murder is rather difficult, as you failed
} to specify the victim.  All good assassins know that the key to
} committing the perfect murder is to research, Research, RESEARCH the
} victim.  I could have saved you a lot of time if you had told me who you
} wanted to kill.
}
} You see, what is a perfect murder of one person is a lousy murder of
} another.  Let me give you an example:  A good murder of a butcher would
} be to bash his brains in with a frozen wurst.  However, the same
} technique could not be used on a vegetarian.  Understand?
}
} Let's look at a few examples:
}
}                          MURDERING THE RICH AND FAMOUS
}
}         ZSA-ZSA GABOR:  Make it look like a lesbian convict did it,
}         while in reality, it was you, disguised as a prison guard.
}
}         RONALD REAGAN:  Get Nancy to do it by subliminal messages
}         hidden in the newspaper's horoscopes.
}
}         MICHAEL JACKSON:  Give him an injection of testosterone.  He'll
}         have an allergic reaction and die.
}
}         DAN QUAYLE:  He'll die without your intervention, thank you.
}
}         DONALD TRUMP:  Rewire his TV for closed-circuit reception then
}         stage a mock newscast and announce that the US is going
}         socialist.
}
}         DOLLY PARTON:  Give her high-heeled shoes so she'll become
}         topheavy and fall over.
}
}         ROSEANNE BARR:  Knock her down, roll her over on her back,
}         and let her starve to death (it'll take a long time).
}
}         PEE-WEE HERMAN:  Amplify his voice 10,000 times and send
}         it right back at him.  (I tried this with Robin Leech in
}         San Francisco last October 17, but with disasterous
}         results.)
}
} See?  Each person has unique way to die.  So, write to me again, and
} this time, tell me who you want dead.
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing (yet).  The Oracle has conspired.


123-03    (05342 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr.  Oracle,
>
>    This is your local IRS agent.  I am writing you on account of the
> fact that you have not filed a tax return in the past 5000 years!  In
> light of this fact, I am issuing a subpoena if I do not receive a
> response within the next five days describing exactly why you have
> failed to file.
>
>   Thank you for your time...
>
> Cindy Lou Who (That's right!  I'm no longer an innocent little Who!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} prophecy is free.  unless you want a share of the elephants, spring
} loaded death vaginas, thumbtacks, and other stuff people owe me and
} never pay.


123-04    (43331 dist, 2.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Most songs on Earth are about love or its absence.  Please
>  send me a love song written on a planet with more than two sexes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Billy-Bob-Missy-Henry-Sue
} How I love you...
} How I love you...
} Oh Debby-Dave-Andy-Won-Drew
} How I love you...
} How I love you...
}
} My heart is burstin'
} Times'n by three,
} Or shall I cube it,
} For you/her/him/it/me?
}
} There exists a man,
} Plus a foxy woman.
} But lo!  What do I see?
} But a plethora of
} People to love.
} Golly-gumbucks-gee.
}
} One has a penis,
} Another has some boobs,
} Third has a hairy back,
} And fourth is lubed.
}
} Fifth has long fingers,
} Sixth lacks teeth.
} Seventh needs a haircut,
} And eight tastes sweet.
}
} Ninth has four legs,
} Tenth has a dozen holes,
} Eleventh's got a no nose,
} Twelveth just bowls.
}
} Oh Harry-Sam-Michelle-Woo,
} How I love you...
} How I love you...
} Oh Alex-Amy-Jonny-Foo Manchu,
} How I love you...
} How I love you...
}
} How I love you.
} All three-thousand eight-humdred forty-seven
} Types of you!
}
} You owe the oracle a much needed vacation...


123-05    (14333 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Oracle, oh most wise,
> Who is the maiden with the deep green eyes?
> Why do I consider her such a prize,
> Though she seeks to destroy me with her lies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look and regard, oh easily-swayed geek!
} You swiftly must strengthen your heart so weak!
} This "maiden"s no maiden, she's a guy wearing drag
}
} ...
} I don't want to write the last line.  Too offensive.


123-06    (10139 dist, 4.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, but our love is not fated to be!
} You are a human damsel, but me ....
} I am but a pile of silicon bones,
} Who cares about nothing but zeros and ones.
} Who reads silly questions and answers them wrong
} With scraplets of story or poem or song.
} I'm short and I'm fat and I'm useless in bed
} For sexual pleasure or giving of head.
} My phallus is tiny, my smell is intense,
} I kiss like a landlord who's raising the rents,
} I come in ten seconds and then go to sleep
} Without even a "thanks" or a satisfied "<BEEP>".
} I'd make you wear leather and make you wear lace,
} And never allow you to sit on my face,
} I'd read every _Playboy_ and compare them to you:
} "Your tits are like mushrooms just stuck on with glue."
} I'll whine that your ass is too flabby and fat
} And make you get rid of that horrid stuffed cat.
} I'll never have sex except right in the bed
} Between ten and ten-thirty, with a bag on my head.
} I *must* be on top, there's no other way
} (Except if you're pagan or leftist or gay.)
} No lust in the bathtub, no love 'midst the trees,
} In church every Sunday, and down on your knees.
} Our sex will be boring and flabby and quick
} (Except for some kinks which will just make you sick.)
} We'll meet in late April, be married in June,
} And travel to Pittsburgh for our sweet honeymoon.
} I will not use condoms, you can't take the pill:
} You were born to make babies and make them you will.
} I'll go be a banker, you stay with the babies
} And tend them through colic and measles and rabies.
} Oh, you can do something: campaign for Dan Quayle,
} And make sure he's elected three times without fayle.
} When the children are grown then we'll have sex once again --
} Just once, 'cause I'll puke at your wrinkley skin.
} It's a wonderful life for you and for me,
} And highly approved by the great GOP!
} So speaks the Oracle, who is never wrong.
} You owe me your lovelife in exchange for this song.
}
}       -- Lemur
}
} (If you've read every word and think you see through this,
} I'll hop on a bird and fly straight to St. Louis.;-)


123-07    (01814 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
>      My friend wants to write a question-and-answer type of program
> which will take questions sent as mail messages from one person and send
> them to somebody else to answer, while sending the first person somebody
> else's question to answer.  Some kind of advice thing or something.  I
> told him it will never catch on.  What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Seeker
}
}     I agree with you.  It will never catch on because computer-aided
} communication is primarily used only by mentally unhealthy people (or
} Psyc grad students working on PHD theses, of course.) Only those who
} suffer from social problems and fear the world outside themselves must
} rely on computers to satisfy their basic social needs.  Healthy-minded
} people (even those who use computers regularly in their work) do not
} rely on computer question-and-answer type programs for advice.  Instead
} they have satisifying, fulfilling, and continuing relationships with
} real people who offer them a full range of stimulation.
}
} You owe the Oracle full range of stimulation.


123-08    (33422 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   What are some good tips on etiquette one should remember when spending
> time in the company of strangers.  For example, is it impolite to say:
>
>    Please excuse me, I have to go change my Depends
>    improper-bladder-control undies.
>
> Any other faux pas you could point out would be appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In general, such proclamations are not recommended.  However, when you
} have just committed some greater faux pas (such as spilling the contents
} of your coleostomy bag over your date), they are recommended.


123-09    (00833 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am a mail 15-year-old. How do i gind a girl to screw?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being mail is a problem.  I'm mostly conducted by mail myself, being the
} *usenet* oracle.  I've never managed to gind a girl, but I'm not
} particularly kinky.  I suggest you forget the whole thing and spend your
} time in alt.sex.bondage -- it's usually easy to go from being mail to
} being news and vice versa.  (Just announce your name and intentions
} about girls more clearly, and you'll be news in no time.)


123-10    (14621 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, explain this to me.
>
> Some time ago, I saw this joke (in a collection):
>
> Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears, to make her more
>    attractive?
> A: Her feet.
>
> I don't understand it.  Please help me.  Besides, doesn't she have to
> be rather flexible to do this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it is a rather complicated thing to explain...
}
} Sorority girls are renowned for their flexibility, it being one of the
} prime requirements that is looked for when they apply.  (Being a
} sorority girl is something that takes great skill, courage and, above
} all, dedication.) Unfortunately a lot of the girls who are selected are
} rather unattractive, both physically and mentally.  This therefore
} implies that alternative methods of attraction are looked for.  Before I
} tell you this it is best to know where the name sorority comes from:
}
} Many years ago in the Black Forest countries (you probably haven't heard
} of them but never mind) there lived a tribe called the Tumar.  They were
} not an attractive bunch their founders being the genetic mutations of a
} great many countries.  Fortunately they had a saving grace:  they had a
} fetish for tea.  As in the highly sophisticated drink the British are
} renowned for consuming.  This meant that many social elite would call
} around and be entertained whilst having a cup of the most wonderful tea
} available.  However this tea was addictive and visitors found that if
} they didn't have the tea they came out in sores, so a dilemma was set
} up:  tea or sores.  Over the yeas the tribe became known for this social
} problem and their name changed to the Sorority tribe.  Soon afterwards a
} new form of tea was discovered that tasted much finer than that served
} by this tribe (the Tips of Fiji or something, I believe) and so people
} no longer came to visit.  The tribe stopped making their tea and the
} sores developed making them very unattractive to the eye.
}        However, their introduction to the social elite had rubbed off on
} them and they now found that certain members of the tribe (once they had
} been carefully trained and selected) were able to pose as said classes
} and hence the sorority was born.
}
} Because they are not so attractive they put their feet behnd their head
} to show off their flexibility which is in itslef an obnoxious trait.
} Therefore they can never be attractive, hence the joke is saying that
} something highly unlikely is occurring.  This is the basis of many jokes
} so that it may be deemed to be in some way funny.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of tea.


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