Goto:

1230, 1230-01, 1230-02, 1230-03, 1230-04, 1230-05, 1230-06, 1230-07, 1230-08, 1230-09, 1230-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, could you please tell me the top ten reasons why men always > leave the toilet seat up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you're making the classic mistake of assuming that Men are as } complicated as Women. There simply aren't ten reasons for ANYTHING a } Man does. } } But, I tell you what - here's the } } TOP SIX REASONS MEN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP: } }  6. Efficiency. Men need it up four times more often than they need it }     down. The sheer logic of it is just too tempting. } }  5. Excitement. Have you any idea what would happen if that seat came }     crashing down in mid-use? The terror! The adrenaline! What a rush! } }  4. Laziness. Yaaaaawn. It took sooo much energy to lift it up, I }     may need a nap when I've fini- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ... } }  3. Sloppy boundary condition checking. Men can only think about one }     thing at a time. When the flow stops, that's the "peeing" task }     finished, and no further actions are taken in support of it. Just }     be grateful he remembers to tuck it back in. } }  2. Distraction. In order to make up for the inability to multi-task, }     Man was given limited resources to delegate simple physical tasks }     to the primitive brain. Thus, the body goes through the motions }     while the mind thinks about sportscars and its golf handicap. }     Primitive brain no think seat! Ugh! Think cute blonde in HR. }     Primitive brain pee on shoe if not careful. } } And the Number one reason why Men leave the toilet seat up is: } }  1. Spite. You may have considered your little speech on "The Clothes }     Hamper - A Hamper for Clothes" to be rather witty, and a gentle, }     inoffensive nudge towards tidiness. Guess who didn't? } } You owe the Oracle a lady who remembers to put the seat up after she's } used it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before the Oracle who plows the fields of possibilities > armed with the perception and a damn fine vocabulary to pick out > significant details from life and digest them into something clever, > wise and emotional. The Oracle is smart! > > Was yesterday just a weird coincidence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, supplicant. It was bound to happen eventually. } } I know that you can get the craving at the damndest of times, and it's } hard to resist. Especially when you're pressed for time, and your } cousin Cletus wants delivery on that manure shipment yesterday, } goddammit, and the wife is nagging at you and the brats are making a } ruckus in the back seat, and the mortgage on your mobile home is way } overdue but the lottery ticket you felt so sure about didn't pay off } this month either, what's wrong with those machines anyway, and why the } hell won't anybody believe you saw Elvis when clearly he was there, } goddammit, swear to god and hope to die, and sure you had a few that } night but Jeb was there as well and can swear to it with a hand on the } Bible, even though he ain't that smart, what with still being left back } in 3rd grade at the age of 38 and all, and those weird tics he has } probably won't go any too well with the jury, didn't believe him last } time either when you were on trial for poaching, but anyway he was } right there, he seen it too, and the UFO was right there, goddammit, } with The King manning that sucker like nobody's business, and why oh } why oh why didn't Garth Brooks get into the C&M hall of fame this year } either, no justice in the world, must be that pinko liberal that used } to be in the White House had something to do with it, and the fish was } biting real good that night as well although you don't remember what } happened next, except you woke up come next morning in the back yard } with a bastid of a hangover and a weard soreness in your bee-hind } region, and why won't that asshole in front of you get done anyway, so } you can drive in and get done and be back on the road again before } Cletus throws a hissy fit like he always does when you're late with the } manure, but you're only one man after all, can't do everything, and } this here truck ain't that fast anyway and the mileage really sucks, } speaking of which, come on, already, what're you wating for over there, } aint't got all day you know... } } But you've got to understand that there's a time for everything, and } that time clearly wasn't it. You should have waited. } Look, those signs are there for a reason. The'yre not just "trying to } tell you what to do". } } You got off easy this time. Your hair will grow back, as well as most } of your eyebrows. And your hearing will be restored in 3 to 4 week's } time. } } That gas station attendant wasn't that fortunate, though. } } You owe it to the oracle to quit smoking.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I *ever* get an IT job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that what you really want? } } Are you tired of your sales position where you } make your own hours. } Eat lunch on the company dime. } Travel to six cities in one year. } Have a company car. } Work approximately 25 hours a week. } Get bonuses just for increasing sales 2% in a } three month period by going over sales budget 200%. } Get paid for training and drinking everynight during } the training. } } Or get a 2K raise so you can: } Work 40-60 hours a week. } Answer phone calls involving screen color changes } that take 20 minutes to accomplish. } Run and listen to a Computer Moron boss who just got } the last computer Magazine and wants to know "Can we } do THIS, WHY aren't WE doing this?". } Always tied to a pager/cell-phone so your computer systems or } the NOC can wake you up or ruin a perfectly good night on the town. } Get the same lame 4% raises every year while having a learning } curve the size of the Washington Monument because everything } changes every three months. } Deal with expensive poorly built Tape Backup systems and their } Kludgy, User-UNfriendly program interfaces. } Develop neck problems, schrunched up shoulders, and always tight } hands. } Field stupid questions from people like "I got a real quick question, } How do I upgrade my system?" or "What computer should I get?" which is } like asking "What vehicle should I get". } } Wait... } } Something just came in. } } Yes, that last update of your resume on monster paid off. } You just got an IT job. } CONGRATULATIONS. } } Now give up any thought of ever having a real life again. } } You owe the Oracle a long, long, long vacation from his IT job.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is that Zadoc in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: What?  Huh? } } [Oracle looks at his pocket, and sees an all-too familiar face peering } back at him.] } } Oracle: ZADOC!!!! } } [Zadoc springs from the Oracular pants, clad in a tuxedo, holding a top } hat and a cane.] } } Zadoc: }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       Even though too many incarnations have abused it, }       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } }       Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay! }       Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay! } }       Because I was afraid to speak was I was just a note }       Orrie gave my name a spin and made me a big joke }       So Now I have a new mission to bubble to the top }       Start addressing all your supplications to Zadoc! } } Zadoc & Oracle: }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       Even though too many incarnations have abused it, }       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } } Oracle: }       He travelled all around the net and everywhere in jest, }       Quite possibly the only one is every single digest, }       But now he is staging a coup to depose my great throne }       So now I have to decide if I throw Zadoc a bone. } } Oracle & Zadoc: }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       Even though too many incarnations have abused it, }       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! } } Zadoc: }       So when a ZOT is coming down there's no need to dismay, }       Just think about this song and then you turn and run away, }       But better use it carefully or it could change your lot... } } Oracle: For example? } } Zadoc: Yes? } } Oracle: }       This revolting ditty has earned Zadoc here a ZOT! } } [Oracle ZOT's Zadoc free of any revolutionary wishes.  As Zadoc flies } across the room, a hammer and sickle drop out of his tux.  The Oracle } turns and wanders away.] } } Oracle: }       It's a... }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic! }       ... } } You owe the Oracle a never-before-published Gilbert & Sullivan Play. } And the Sherman Brothers.  On a silver platter.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most singular Oracle, > > the page of my local telephone directory headed 'Useful Numbers' is > blank. What should have been printed there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0 } } Without those, it becomes a reall hassle to dial.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise, powerful, and in-other-ways totally reeking of awesomeness > Oracle, > > IF you had a daughter, what would you do on "Take Our Daughters to > Work Day?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would answer all of her questions, including, but not limited to: } } Why is the sky green? } Where did I come from? } Why? } How come? } Are we there yet? } Where's God at? } Why do all the other kids get earlier bedtimes? } Where's Mom? } Why are you so awesome? } How come you know so much? } Why? } Are you a know-it-all? } Can I have a sucker? } Are we there yet? } Why? } Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Hey, dad? } Are we there yet? } Why do I have to go home?? } } You owe the Oracle a Valium.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical symbol for Stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Noble supplicant, I cite Newcomb's Reference Manual of Chemical and } Physical Constants, } Coefficients and Cheese (23rd ed.): } } Element Name: Stupidity } Symbol: Dh } Atomic Number: 6 2/3 } Atomic Weight: Probably } } Notes: Stupidity is the most common element on Earth, occurring } naturally in all strata.  Its chemical symbol is derived from the Greek } "duh", /duh/.  It has numerous isotopes which have geographically } variable concentrations.  Isotopes occurring in rural areas are } typically simpler in structure.  Metropolitan isotopes exhibit a higher } mean kinetic energy.  The density of stupidity has not been accurately } measured, however is regarded by most scientists as impenetrable. } } Stupidity is an odorless, tasteless, colorless chemical that is } nonetheless easily detected by logical probing.  It is often observed } in gaseous form.  It is essentially inert, however is often involved } as a catalyst in the breakdown of other structures. } } The half-life stupidity is variable to such an extent that it } is sometimes given a negative value, that is, the fractional } mass of stupidity in a compound may actually increase over time. } This phenomenon is most often observed among the executive management } of failing internet startup companies.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle who could keep pouring his wisdom in to the maw of us > mortal forever, for your knowledge knows no bounds and our need to > know knows no end. I bow low before you and ask; > > Why are the number of reported shark attacks increasing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The survival rate is much better these days. } } You owe the Oracle a surfboard.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Great Oracle, I ask you, > > What operating system should I run on my computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle Supplicant, the answer to your question is: } It varies and depends what you want to do with your } 'computer', as you so quaintly put it. } } I applaud you for wanting to choice your OS on your own, } most humans just using the OS their folks handed down to } them. But be forewarned, arranging your brain to think in } a new way can be a challenge. } } What is it you want to do with your brain? Get rich? } Be famous? Have fun? Achieve enlightenment? Or the } ever present choice of Other? } } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Get Rich. } Choices: } } Capitalism: A robust outlook, the workhorse of }             this genre. It can take a lot of abuse }             and keep working. Increasingly unpopular }             due to it's resistance to resource sharing, }             but all in all it is a proven winner. }             Examples: Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, }             the Albrecht Family } }   Criminal: Fast and hard-hitting OS, favorite of }             hackers. Quickly learned and powerful. }             Prone to violent crashes though and the }             danger of long sentences of downtime. }             Examples: The Cosa Nostra Family, }             "Whitey" Bulgar, the guy that broke }             into your apartment and took your TV } }    Wishful: Increasingly popular due to the total }   Thinking: lack of training needed to master. On }             the downside it rarely works, despite }             what your bookie will tell you. }             Examples: Hordes that go to Las Vegas, }             Lotto players, gold-diggers } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Be Famous. } Choices: } }  Hard Work: Falling out of favor due to extensive drain }             on the hardware, yet it is championed by }             the those at the top of the heap. }             Example: Walt Disney, Frank Zappa, Norman }             Mailer, Andy Warhol } }    Be real: Hardware dependent, consult your manual. }      purty: Examples: Super Models } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Have Fun } Choices: } }      Party: The fastest growing mindset out there. }     Animal: VERY hard on the hardware. Avoid this, }             weakened child processes and decreasing }             computation capacity awaiting those }             suckered in by this OS. }             Examples: John Belushi, Robert Downey Jr., }             the people in the apartment above you } } Good Clean: Wildly unpopular }     Living:   Examples: The Cleaver family } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Enlightenment } Choices: } } Scientific: Very vogue, very powerful. Has produced }    Thought: some of the most useful apps of the last }             1000 years. Some find its monopolizing of }             CPU time irksome, others see this as its }             strength. }             Examples: Tesla, Freud, Aryabhata I } }   Religion: Easily hackable, mutates wildly, ten zillion }             flavors. Next to impossible to verify results, }             users tend to argue violently with each other }             over correct syntax and correct usage. Weird }             problem specific to this OS, too many manuals }             that people read too closely. }             Examples: The Pope, Charles Manson, Buddha } --------------------------------------------------------- } Goal: Other } Choices: } }  Roll your: Write your own kernel. Incorporate Grey }        own: Alien Tech with equal parts of Amway sales }             meetings to make something that is all yours, }             the sky's the limit. }             Examples: Art Bell, "Xenu" Hubbard, Bob } }       Coma: Permanent wait-state. Works best if you have }             good insurance. }             Example: The guy in the next cubicle } }   Politics: Tell others what OS to use! Be root! Be a }             FAT-cat! }             Examples: Vladimir Putin, Bill Clinton, the }             faceless drones in the Bureaucracy Party that }             never runs for office yet always is in charge } --------------------------------------------------------- } } You owe the Oracle some sacrificial RAM.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My desire to learn leads me time and time again to your door Wise > Oracle, you are the post graduate school of the Internet, > > Why do we even try and educate everyone? Ditch diggers and drive- > thru workers don't really need to know how to read or write anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ___________________                _______________________ }    |     WARNING!    |                |  ALL EMPLOYEES MUST | }    | BURIED GAS LINE |                |  WASH HANDS BEFORE  | }    |   DO NOT DIG!   |                |  RETURNING TO WORK  | }    -------------------                -----------------------