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Internet Oracularities #1230

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Internet Oracularities #1230    (76 votes, 3.5 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 17:20:14 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1230
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1230  76 votes 13gCi 5fwbd 0dqod dkq98 23kvk 2jtk6 17nqj 2clre 1gjsc 02dry
1230  3.5 mean  3.9   3.2   3.5   2.7   3.8   3.1   3.7   3.5   3.4   4.2


1230-01    (13gCi dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, could you please tell me the top ten reasons why men always
> leave the toilet seat up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you're making the classic mistake of assuming that Men are as
} complicated as Women. There simply aren't ten reasons for ANYTHING a
} Man does.
}
} But, I tell you what - here's the
}
} TOP SIX REASONS MEN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP:
}
}  6. Efficiency. Men need it up four times more often than they need it
}     down. The sheer logic of it is just too tempting.
}
}  5. Excitement. Have you any idea what would happen if that seat came
}     crashing down in mid-use? The terror! The adrenaline! What a rush!
}
}  4. Laziness. Yaaaaawn. It took sooo much energy to lift it up, I
}     may need a nap when I've fini- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
}
}  3. Sloppy boundary condition checking. Men can only think about one
}     thing at a time. When the flow stops, that's the "peeing" task
}     finished, and no further actions are taken in support of it. Just
}     be grateful he remembers to tuck it back in.
}
}  2. Distraction. In order to make up for the inability to multi-task,
}     Man was given limited resources to delegate simple physical tasks
}     to the primitive brain. Thus, the body goes through the motions
}     while the mind thinks about sportscars and its golf handicap.
}     Primitive brain no think seat! Ugh! Think cute blonde in HR.
}     Primitive brain pee on shoe if not careful.
}
} And the Number one reason why Men leave the toilet seat up is:
}
}  1. Spite. You may have considered your little speech on "The Clothes
}     Hamper - A Hamper for Clothes" to be rather witty, and a gentle,
}     inoffensive nudge towards tidiness. Guess who didn't?
}
} You owe the Oracle a lady who remembers to put the seat up after she's
} used it.


1230-02    (5fwbd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All bow before the Oracle who plows the fields of possibilities
> armed with the perception and a damn fine vocabulary to pick out
> significant details from life and digest them into something clever,
> wise and emotional. The Oracle is smart!
>
> Was yesterday just a weird coincidence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, supplicant. It was bound to happen eventually.
}
} I know that you can get the craving at the damndest of times, and it's
} hard to resist. Especially when you're pressed for time, and your
} cousin Cletus wants delivery on that manure shipment yesterday,
} goddammit, and the wife is nagging at you and the brats are making a
} ruckus in the back seat, and the mortgage on your mobile home is way
} overdue but the lottery ticket you felt so sure about didn't pay off
} this month either, what's wrong with those machines anyway, and why the
} hell won't anybody believe you saw Elvis when clearly he was there,
} goddammit, swear to god and hope to die, and sure you had a few that
} night but Jeb was there as well and can swear to it with a hand on the
} Bible, even though he ain't that smart, what with still being left back
} in 3rd grade at the age of 38 and all, and those weird tics he has
} probably won't go any too well with the jury, didn't believe him last
} time either when you were on trial for poaching, but anyway he was
} right there, he seen it too, and the UFO was right there, goddammit,
} with The King manning that sucker like nobody's business, and why oh
} why oh why didn't Garth Brooks get into the C&M hall of fame this year
} either, no justice in the world, must be that pinko liberal that used
} to be in the White House had something to do with it, and the fish was
} biting real good that night as well although you don't remember what
} happened next, except you woke up come next morning in the back yard
} with a bastid of a hangover and a weard soreness in your bee-hind
} region, and why won't that asshole in front of you get done anyway, so
} you can drive in and get done and be back on the road again before
} Cletus throws a hissy fit like he always does when you're late with the
} manure, but you're only one man after all, can't do everything, and
} this here truck ain't that fast anyway and the mileage really sucks,
} speaking of which, come on, already, what're you wating for over there,
} aint't got all day you know...
}
} But you've got to understand that there's a time for everything, and
} that time clearly wasn't it. You should have waited.
} Look, those signs are there for a reason. The'yre not just "trying to
} tell you what to do".
}
} You got off easy this time. Your hair will grow back, as well as most
} of your eyebrows. And your hearing will be restored in 3 to 4 week's
} time.
}
} That gas station attendant wasn't that fortunate, though.
}
} You owe it to the oracle to quit smoking.


1230-03    (0dqod dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I *ever* get an IT job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that what you really want?
}
} Are you tired of your sales position where you
} make your own hours.
} Eat lunch on the company dime.
} Travel to six cities in one year.
} Have a company car.
} Work approximately 25 hours a week.
} Get bonuses just for increasing sales 2% in a
} three month period by going over sales budget 200%.
} Get paid for training and drinking everynight during
} the training.
}
} Or get a 2K raise so you can:
} Work 40-60 hours a week.
} Answer phone calls involving screen color changes
} that take 20 minutes to accomplish.
} Run and listen to a Computer Moron boss who just got
} the last computer Magazine and wants to know "Can we
} do THIS, WHY aren't WE doing this?".
} Always tied to a pager/cell-phone so your computer systems or
} the NOC can wake you up or ruin a perfectly good night on the town.
} Get the same lame 4% raises every year while having a learning
} curve the size of the Washington Monument because everything
} changes every three months.
} Deal with expensive poorly built Tape Backup systems and their
} Kludgy, User-UNfriendly program interfaces.
} Develop neck problems, schrunched up shoulders, and always tight
} hands.
} Field stupid questions from people like "I got a real quick question,
} How do I upgrade my system?" or "What computer should I get?" which is
} like asking "What vehicle should I get".
}
} Wait...
}
} Something just came in.
}
} Yes, that last update of your resume on monster paid off.
} You just got an IT job.
} CONGRATULATIONS.
}
} Now give up any thought of ever having a real life again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a long, long, long vacation from his IT job.


1230-04    (dkq98 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is that Zadoc in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: What?  Huh?
}
} [Oracle looks at his pocket, and sees an all-too familiar face peering
} back at him.]
}
} Oracle: ZADOC!!!!
}
} [Zadoc springs from the Oracular pants, clad in a tuxedo, holding a top
} hat and a cane.]
}
} Zadoc:
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       Even though too many incarnations have abused it,
}       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}
}       Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay!
}       Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay!
}
}       Because I was afraid to speak was I was just a note
}       Orrie gave my name a spin and made me a big joke
}       So Now I have a new mission to bubble to the top
}       Start addressing all your supplications to Zadoc!
}
} Zadoc & Oracle:
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       Even though too many incarnations have abused it,
}       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}
} Oracle:
}       He travelled all around the net and everywhere in jest,
}       Quite possibly the only one is every single digest,
}       But now he is staging a coup to depose my great throne
}       So now I have to decide if I throw Zadoc a bone.
}
} Oracle & Zadoc:
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       Even though too many incarnations have abused it,
}       Fourteen syllables a line, but still we will not lose it
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}
} Zadoc:
}       So when a ZOT is coming down there's no need to dismay,
}       Just think about this song and then you turn and run away,
}       But better use it carefully or it could change your lot...
}
} Oracle: For example?
}
} Zadoc: Yes?
}
} Oracle:
}       This revolting ditty has earned Zadoc here a ZOT!
}
} [Oracle ZOT's Zadoc free of any revolutionary wishes.  As Zadoc flies
} across the room, a hammer and sickle drop out of his tux.  The Oracle
} turns and wanders away.]
}
} Oracle:
}       It's a...
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       Superstupidinjokesongwithatasteformusic!
}       ...
}
} You owe the Oracle a never-before-published Gilbert & Sullivan Play.
} And the Sherman Brothers.  On a silver platter.


1230-05    (23kvk dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most singular Oracle,
>
> the page of my local telephone directory headed 'Useful Numbers' is
> blank. What should have been printed there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0
}
} Without those, it becomes a reall hassle to dial.


1230-06    (2jtk6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise, powerful, and in-other-ways totally reeking of awesomeness
> Oracle,
>
> IF you had a daughter, what would you do on "Take Our Daughters to
> Work Day?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would answer all of her questions, including, but not limited to:
}
} Why is the sky green?
} Where did I come from?
} Why?
} How come?
} Are we there yet?
} Where's God at?
} Why do all the other kids get earlier bedtimes?
} Where's Mom?
} Why are you so awesome?
} How come you know so much?
} Why?
} Are you a know-it-all?
} Can I have a sucker?
} Are we there yet?
} Why?
} Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Hey, dad?
} Are we there yet?
} Why do I have to go home??
}
} You owe the Oracle a Valium.


1230-07    (17nqj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the chemical symbol for Stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Noble supplicant, I cite Newcomb's Reference Manual of Chemical and
} Physical Constants,
} Coefficients and Cheese (23rd ed.):
}
} Element Name: Stupidity
} Symbol: Dh
} Atomic Number: 6 2/3
} Atomic Weight: Probably
}
} Notes: Stupidity is the most common element on Earth, occurring
} naturally in all strata.  Its chemical symbol is derived from the Greek
} "duh", /duh/.  It has numerous isotopes which have geographically
} variable concentrations.  Isotopes occurring in rural areas are
} typically simpler in structure.  Metropolitan isotopes exhibit a higher
} mean kinetic energy.  The density of stupidity has not been accurately
} measured, however is regarded by most scientists as impenetrable.
}
} Stupidity is an odorless, tasteless, colorless chemical that is
} nonetheless easily detected by logical probing.  It is often observed
} in gaseous form.  It is essentially inert, however is often involved
} as a catalyst in the breakdown of other structures.
}
} The half-life stupidity is variable to such an extent that it
} is sometimes given a negative value, that is, the fractional
} mass of stupidity in a compound may actually increase over time.
} This phenomenon is most often observed among the executive management
} of failing internet startup companies.


1230-08    (2clre dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle who could keep pouring his wisdom in to the maw of us
> mortal forever, for your knowledge knows no bounds and our need to
> know knows no end. I bow low before you and ask;
>
> Why are the number of reported shark attacks increasing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The survival rate is much better these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a surfboard.


1230-09    (1gjsc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Great Oracle, I ask you,
>
> What operating system should I run on my computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle Supplicant, the answer to your question is:
} It varies and depends what you want to do with your
} 'computer', as you so quaintly put it.
}
} I applaud you for wanting to choice your OS on your own,
} most humans just using the OS their folks handed down to
} them. But be forewarned, arranging your brain to think in
} a new way can be a challenge.
}
} What is it you want to do with your brain? Get rich?
} Be famous? Have fun? Achieve enlightenment? Or the
} ever present choice of Other?
}
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Goal: Get Rich.
} Choices:
}
} Capitalism: A robust outlook, the workhorse of
}             this genre. It can take a lot of abuse
}             and keep working. Increasingly unpopular
}             due to it's resistance to resource sharing,
}             but all in all it is a proven winner.
}             Examples: Bill Gates, Warren Buffet,
}             the Albrecht Family
}
}   Criminal: Fast and hard-hitting OS, favorite of
}             hackers. Quickly learned and powerful.
}             Prone to violent crashes though and the
}             danger of long sentences of downtime.
}             Examples: The Cosa Nostra Family,
}             "Whitey" Bulgar, the guy that broke
}             into your apartment and took your TV
}
}    Wishful: Increasingly popular due to the total
}   Thinking: lack of training needed to master. On
}             the downside it rarely works, despite
}             what your bookie will tell you.
}             Examples: Hordes that go to Las Vegas,
}             Lotto players, gold-diggers
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Goal: Be Famous.
} Choices:
}
}  Hard Work: Falling out of favor due to extensive drain
}             on the hardware, yet it is championed by
}             the those at the top of the heap.
}             Example: Walt Disney, Frank Zappa, Norman
}             Mailer, Andy Warhol
}
}    Be real: Hardware dependent, consult your manual.
}      purty: Examples: Super Models
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Goal: Have Fun
} Choices:
}
}      Party: The fastest growing mindset out there.
}     Animal: VERY hard on the hardware. Avoid this,
}             weakened child processes and decreasing
}             computation capacity awaiting those
}             suckered in by this OS.
}             Examples: John Belushi, Robert Downey Jr.,
}             the people in the apartment above you
}
} Good Clean: Wildly unpopular
}     Living:   Examples: The Cleaver family
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Goal: Enlightenment
} Choices:
}
} Scientific: Very vogue, very powerful. Has produced
}    Thought: some of the most useful apps of the last
}             1000 years. Some find its monopolizing of
}             CPU time irksome, others see this as its
}             strength.
}             Examples: Tesla, Freud, Aryabhata I
}
}   Religion: Easily hackable, mutates wildly, ten zillion
}             flavors. Next to impossible to verify results,
}             users tend to argue violently with each other
}             over correct syntax and correct usage. Weird
}             problem specific to this OS, too many manuals
}             that people read too closely.
}             Examples: The Pope, Charles Manson, Buddha
} ---------------------------------------------------------
} Goal: Other
} Choices:
}
}  Roll your: Write your own kernel. Incorporate Grey
}        own: Alien Tech with equal parts of Amway sales
}             meetings to make something that is all yours,
}             the sky's the limit.
}             Examples: Art Bell, "Xenu" Hubbard, Bob
}
}       Coma: Permanent wait-state. Works best if you have
}             good insurance.
}             Example: The guy in the next cubicle
}
}   Politics: Tell others what OS to use! Be root! Be a
}             FAT-cat!
}             Examples: Vladimir Putin, Bill Clinton, the
}             faceless drones in the Bureaucracy Party that
}             never runs for office yet always is in charge
} ---------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle some sacrificial RAM.


1230-10    (02dry dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My desire to learn leads me time and time again to your door Wise
> Oracle, you are the post graduate school of the Internet,
>
> Why do we even try and educate everyone? Ditch diggers and drive-
> thru workers don't really need to know how to read or write anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    ___________________                _______________________
}    |     WARNING!    |                |  ALL EMPLOYEES MUST |
}    | BURIED GAS LINE |                |  WASH HANDS BEFORE  |
}    |   DO NOT DIG!   |                |  RETURNING TO WORK  |
}    -------------------                -----------------------


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