} An old hare hoar ... very good meat in Lent... triangulating...
} Literary reference found. Romeo and Juliet -- Act II. Scene IV.
} The scene: The street in front of the Oracular Temple. Enter BENVOLIO
} and MERCUTIO.
} Mer. Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home to-night?
} Ben. Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.
} Mer. Why that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline, Torments
} him so, that he will sure run mad.
} Ben. Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet, Hath sent a letter to his
} father's house.
} Mer. A challenge, on my life.
} Ben. Romeo will answer it.
} Mer. Any man that can write may answer a letter.
} Ben. Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he dares, being
} dared. Mer. Alas! poor Romeo, he is already dead; stabbed with a
} white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song;
} the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy's
} butt-shaft; and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?
} Ben. Why, what is Tybalt?
} Mer. More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O! he is the courageous
} captain of compliments. He fights as you sing prick-song, keeps
} time, distance, and proportion; rests me his minim rest, one,
} two, and the third in your bosom; the very butcher of a silk
} button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the very first
} house, of the first and second cause. Ah! the immortal passado!
} the punto reverso! the hay!
} Ben. The what?
} Mer. The pox of such antick, lisping, affecting fantasticoes, these new
} tuners of accents! By Jesu, a very good blade!?a very tall man!
} a very good whore. Why, is not this a lamentable thing,
} grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these strange
} flies, these fashion-mongers, these pardonnez-mois, who stand so
} much on the new form that they cannot sit at ease on the old
} bench? O, their bons, their bons!
} *sigh* Not a promising start, is it? Oh sure, there are some English
} Lit majors out there that just love this stuff, but they already have
} it memorized anyway. As for the rest of us -- well, what the heck
} IS Tybalt, anyway? Did they used to make Bon bons? The only people
} that REALLY understand this part are the ones that didn't have enough
} personality to become Computer Programmers!
} Alright, something is about to happen... Enter ROMEO.
} Ben. Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.
} Here comes d'Judge, here comes d'Judge!
} ...sorry, I couldn't help myself.
} Mer. Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art
} thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed
} in: Laura to his lady was but a kitchen-wench; marry, she had a
} better love to be-rime her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;
} Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe, a grey eye or so,
} but not to the purpose. Signior Romeo, bon jour! there's a French
} salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit
} fairly last night.
} "Fishified" isn't really a word, is it?
} Rom. Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
} Mer. The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
} He's prancing around in a counterfeit slip that's been fishified, and
} you want him to conceive? Let him finish his herring first!
} Rom. Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in such a case
} as mine a man may strain courtesy.
} Mer. That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man
} to bow in the hams.
} Rom. Meaning to curtsy.
} Mer. Thou hast most kindly hit it.
} Rom. A most courteous exposition.
} Mer. Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
} Rom. Pink for flower.
} Mer. Right.
} Rom. Why, then, is my pump well flowered.
} Anyone that can flower their pump while keeping the pink of courtesy,
} deserves both the herring AND the hams.
} Mer. Well said; follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out the
} pump, that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may
} remain after the wearing sole singular.
} Rom. O single-soled jest! solely singular for the singleness.
} Mer. Come between us, good Benvolio; my wit faints.
} It certainly does!
} Rom. Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.
} Mer. Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou
} hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I
} have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?
} Rom. Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not here for
} the goose.
} Mer. I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
} Rom. Nay, good goose, bite not.
} Mer. Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
} Rom. And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?
} Mer. O! here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow
} to an ell broad.
} Rom. I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added to the goose,
} proves thee far and wide broad goose.
} Mer. Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? now art thou
} sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art thou what thou art, by art
} as well as by nature: for this drivelling love is like a great
} natural, that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a
} Ben. Stop there, stop there.
} Oh, yes, do stop there -- you crack me up. Ha, ha. Let me catch my
} Mer. Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
} Ben. Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
} Mer. O! thou art deceived; I would have made it short; for I was come
} to the whole depth of my tale, and meant indeed to occupy the
} argument no longer.
} Rom. Here's goodly gear!
} Enter Nurse and PETER.
} Mer. A sail, a sail!
} Ben. Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
} I'll have them cleaned by 3:00PM, that will be $5.29 please.
} Nurse. Peter!
} Peter. Anon!
} Nurse. My fan, Peter.
} Mer. Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.
} Nurse. God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
} Mer. God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.
} Nurse. Is it good den?
} Mer. 'Tis no less, I tell you; for the bawdy hand of the dial is now
} upon the prick of noon.
} Watch your mouth.
} Nurse. Out upon you! what a man are you!
} Rom. One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
} Nurse. By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,' quoth
} a Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young
} Rom. I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when you have found
} him than he was when you sought him: I am the youngest of that
} name, for fault of a worse.
} Nurse. You say well.
} Mer. Yea! is the worst well? very well took, i' faith; wisely, wisely.
} Nurse. If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
} Ben. She will indite him to some supper.
} Mer. A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
} Well, we're not quite at the hare hoars yet -- but at least we got our
} first ho!
} Rom. What hast thou found?
} Mer. No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is
} something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
} [Sings. An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar,
} Is very good meat in Lent:
} But a hare that is hoar, is too much for a score,
} When it hoars ere it be spent.]
} Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, haw! Haw! He he he he he! Chortle! Snigger! Guffaw!
} Mer. Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll to dinner thither.
} Rom. I will follow you.
} Mer. Farewell, ancient lady; farewell, Lady, lady, lady.
} [Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO.
} What a truly remarkable play, though they should consider changing the
} name from "Romeo and Juliet" to something more accurate... say,
} "Romeo and Benvolio and Mercutio and Peter and a Nurse a ho!"
} You owe the Oracle the words to the tumbleweed song that Felix sang
} on television's "The Odd Couple," and you owe yourself an E-mail that
} doesn't have an ad for E-mail services.