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Internet Oracularities #1231

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Internet Oracularities #1231    (65 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2001 16:29:10 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1231
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1231  65 votes hfka3 3alr4 3gmf9 3bpfb 5bqj4 6bjgd 67we6 beoa6 45ioe 5bila
1231  3.1 mean  2.5   3.3   3.2   3.3   3.1   3.3   3.1   2.8   3.6   3.3


1231-01    (hfka3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who makes the King look like Bill Clinton,
>
> An old hare hoar and an old hare hoar is a very good meat in Lent,
> But what about a hare that is hoar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An old hare hoar ... very good meat in Lent... triangulating...
} Literary reference found. Romeo and Juliet -- Act II. Scene IV.
} Accessing...
}
} The scene: The street in front of the Oracular Temple. Enter BENVOLIO
} and MERCUTIO.
}
}  Mer. Where the devil should this Romeo be? Came he not home to-night?
}  Ben. Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.
}  Mer. Why that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline, Torments
}       him so, that he will sure run mad.
}  Ben. Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet, Hath sent a letter to his
}       father's house.
}  Mer. A challenge, on my life.
}  Ben. Romeo will answer it.
}  Mer. Any man that can write may answer a letter.
}  Ben. Nay, he will answer the letter's master, how he dares, being
}       dared. Mer. Alas! poor Romeo, he is already dead; stabbed with a
}       white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song;
}       the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy's
}       butt-shaft; and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?
}  Ben. Why, what is Tybalt?
}  Mer. More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O! he is the courageous
}       captain of compliments. He fights as you sing prick-song, keeps
}       time, distance, and proportion; rests me his minim rest, one,
}       two, and the third in your bosom; the very butcher of a silk
}       button, a duellist, a duellist; a gentleman of the very first
}       house, of the first and second cause. Ah! the immortal passado!
}       the punto reverso! the hay!
}  Ben. The what?
}  Mer. The pox of such antick, lisping, affecting fantasticoes, these new
}       tuners of accents! By Jesu, a very good blade!?a very tall man!
}       a very good whore. Why, is not this a lamentable thing,
}       grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted with these strange
}       flies, these fashion-mongers, these pardonnez-mois, who stand so
}       much on the new form that they cannot sit at ease on the old
}       bench? O, their bons, their bons!
}
} *sigh* Not a promising start, is it? Oh sure, there are some English
} Lit majors out there that just love this stuff, but they already have
} it memorized anyway. As for the rest of us -- well, what the heck
} IS Tybalt, anyway? Did they used to make Bon bons? The only people
} that REALLY understand this part are the ones that didn't have enough
} personality to become Computer Programmers!
}
} Alright, something is about to happen... Enter ROMEO.
}
}  Ben. Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.
}
} Here comes d'Judge, here comes d'Judge!
}
} ...sorry, I couldn't help myself.
}
}  Mer. Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art
}       thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch flowed
}       in: Laura to his lady was but a kitchen-wench; marry, she had a
}       better love to be-rime her; Dido a dowdy; Cleopatra a gipsy;
}       Helen and Hero hildings and harlots; Thisbe, a grey eye or so,
}       but not to the purpose. Signior Romeo, bon jour! there's a French
}       salutation to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit
}       fairly last night.
}
} "Fishified" isn't really a word, is it?
}
}  Rom. Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
}  Mer. The slip, sir, the slip; can you not conceive?
}
} He's prancing around in a counterfeit slip that's been fishified, and
} you want him to conceive? Let him finish his herring first!
}
}  Rom. Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great; and in such a case
}       as mine a man may strain courtesy.
}  Mer. That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains a man
}       to bow in the hams.
}  Rom. Meaning to curtsy.
}  Mer. Thou hast most kindly hit it.
}  Rom. A most courteous exposition.
}  Mer. Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
}  Rom. Pink for flower.
}  Mer. Right.
}  Rom. Why, then, is my pump well flowered.
}
} Anyone that can flower their pump while keeping the pink of courtesy,
} deserves both the herring AND the hams.
}
}  Mer. Well said; follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out the
}       pump, that, when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may
}       remain after the wearing sole singular.
}  Rom. O single-soled jest! solely singular for the singleness.
}  Mer. Come between us, good Benvolio; my wit faints.
}
} It certainly does!
}
}  Rom. Switch and spurs, switch and spurs; or I'll cry a match.
}  Mer. Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have done, for thou
}       hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I
}       have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?
}  Rom. Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not here for
}       the goose.
}  Mer. I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
}  Rom. Nay, good goose, bite not.
}  Mer. Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
}  Rom. And is it not then well served in to a sweet goose?
}  Mer. O! here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow
}       to an ell broad.
}  Rom. I stretch it out for that word 'broad;' which added to the goose,
}       proves thee far and wide broad goose.
}  Mer. Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? now art thou
}       sociable, now art thou Romeo; now art thou what thou art, by art
}       as well as by nature: for this drivelling love is like a great
}       natural, that runs lolling up and down to hide his bauble in a
}       hole.
}  Ben. Stop there, stop there.
}
} Oh, yes, do stop there -- you crack me up. Ha, ha. Let me catch my
} breath!
}
}  Mer. Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
}  Ben. Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
}  Mer. O! thou art deceived; I would have made it short; for I was come
}       to the whole depth of my tale, and meant indeed to occupy the
}       argument no longer.
}  Rom. Here's goodly gear!
}
} Enter Nurse and PETER.
}  Mer. A sail, a sail!
}  Ben. Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
}
} I'll have them cleaned by 3:00PM, that will be $5.29 please.
}
}  Nurse. Peter!
}  Peter. Anon!
}  Nurse. My fan, Peter.
}  Mer. Good Peter, to hide her face; for her fan's the fairer face.
}  Nurse. God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
}  Mer. God ye good den, fair gentlewoman.
}  Nurse. Is it good den?
}  Mer. 'Tis no less, I tell you; for the bawdy hand of the dial is now
}       upon the prick of noon.
}
} Watch your mouth.
}
}  Nurse. Out upon you! what a man are you!
}  Rom. One, gentlewoman, that God hath made for himself to mar.
}  Nurse. By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,' quoth
}       a Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young
}       Romeo?
}  Rom. I can tell you; but young Romeo will be older when you have found
}       him than he was when you sought him: I am the youngest of that
}       name, for fault of a worse.
}
} Duh.
}
}  Nurse. You say well.
}  Mer. Yea! is the worst well? very well took, i' faith; wisely, wisely.
}  Nurse. If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
}  Ben. She will indite him to some supper.
}  Mer. A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! So ho!
}
} Well, we're not quite at the hare hoars yet -- but at least we got our
} first ho!
}
}  Rom. What hast thou found?
}  Mer. No hare, sir; unless a hare, sir, in a lenten pie, that is
}       something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
}       [Sings. An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar,
}           Is very good meat in Lent:
}           But a hare that is hoar, is too much for a score,
}           When it hoars ere it be spent.]
}
} Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, haw! Haw! He he he he he! Chortle! Snigger! Guffaw!
}
}  Mer. Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll to dinner thither.
}  Rom. I will follow you.
}  Mer. Farewell, ancient lady; farewell, Lady, lady, lady.
}  [Exeunt MERCUTIO and BENVOLIO.
}
} What a truly remarkable play, though they should consider changing the
} name from "Romeo and Juliet" to something more accurate... say,
} "Romeo and Benvolio and Mercutio and Peter and a Nurse a ho!"
}
} [apw]
}
} You owe the Oracle the words to the tumbleweed song that Felix sang
} on television's "The Odd Couple," and you owe yourself an E-mail that
} doesn't have an ad for E-mail services.


1231-02    (3alr4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Frightfully Bogus Oracle, you are the epitome of my wishful thinking.
> Your fish are at my command.
>
> How can I convince people that I really do know all the stuff I
> neglected to learn in elementary school, like arithmetic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Believe you me, O bewildered supplicant -- arithmetic doesn't even make
} the top ten list of important things you neglected to learn in
} elementary school:
}
} 10.  Chalk, glue, paper, and many other common household substances
}      are *not* edible.  Generally speaking, edible things are found at
}      the grocery store, not Office Depot.  While we're on the subject,
}      stop chewing on your hair.  And your fingernails.  And take your
}      fingers out of your mouth, for crying out loud.
}
}  9.  Running with scissors is dangerous.  Running at top speed while
}      waving a replica of a Samurai sword and shouting "banzai!" is a
}      situation that doesn't normally happen in elementary school, but
}      if you understood the basic premise with the scissors....
}
}  8.  Afternoon naps were phased out somewhere around Grade 2.
}
}  7.  When programming in C, an array with N elements has its largest
}      subscript as N-1; that is, the elements of an array declared
}      with "int x[10]" are x[0], x[1], x[2], and so on through x[9].
}
}  6.  You know how they teach you to deal with bullies and mean people
}      by saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will
}      never hurt me?"  All that does is encourage the mean people to
}      come after you with clubs and rocks.  "Do unto others..." doesn't
}      really work well with them, either -- until you get to college
}      and learn about game theory and the Prisoner's Dilemma, you're
}      pretty much stuck without an effective strategy here.
}
}  4.  Top ten lists usually have an item 5.  I guess arithmetic turns
}      out to be more important than I gave it credit for.
}
}  3.  Although perfectly appropriate for an elementary school, asking
}      your supervisor at work for permission to "go potty" is probably
}      not required.  Check your local labor laws.
}
}  2.  Milk and cookies are not one of the basic food groups.
}
} ...and...
}
}  1.  Somewhere near the end of elementary school, girls stop being
}      icky and cootie-ridden and become very, *very* interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of that book about learning all you needed to
} know in Kindergarten, with the appropriate pages earmarked.


1231-03    (3gmf9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Orrie old chap!
>
>  So I heard that you have your own gig going on.
> What with followers and priests and some action
>  by the side.
>
>  So I was thinking of starting my own religion and
>  I have got all the $DIETYs and other things like
>  the sacrificial lamb and all that stuff ready. All I
> need now are some virgin dancers and I'll be ready
>  for the big launch. Any ideas?
>
>  Pip pip.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing wows the rubes like a resurrection.  Gets 'em every time.
}
} It's a pretty simple three step process:
}
} 1. Announce that you're going to raise the dead.  (Give the press a
} little time to scratch this down in their notebooks.)
} 2. Put a gun to your temple and blow your brains out.
} 3. Resurrect yourself.
}
} You _do_ know how to resurrect yourself, don't you?  Oops.  I probably
} should have told you to read all of the instructions first.
}
} You owe the Oracle... heck, no charge for this one.


1231-04    (3bpfb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O is for the way you open my heart
> R is for rhyme, a difficult art
> A is for an answer, given humorously
> C is for cookie, that's good enough for me.
> L is for Lisa, can she come to my place?
> E is for eggs, all over my face.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I is for intelligence, which it's clear you've got
} D is for daring, when you haven't got a shot
} O is for optimimism, praying your wish will come true
} N is for numbskull, because you haven't a clue
} T is for tricky, wrapping your question in verse
} T is for tasteful, because I've seen quite worse
} H is for hopes, as in yours, that I must dash
} I is for impudent, your request was awfully rash
} N is for never, when next Lisa will you view
} K is for knave, not knowing where to woo
} S is for silence, for away you now must go
} O is for Oracle, the one that you now owe.


1231-05    (5bqj4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and terrific Oracle, you finally explained the French
> in a way I could sort of understand, without resorting to
> mention of snails or frogs. I thank you for that.
>
> Can you now explain the Germans? What about their silly
> song about "German, German Overalls" ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are most welcome. By the way, I'm still waiting for
} those escargot in olive oil.
}
} I suppose you want me to explain the Germans without
} making any references to beer or polka music, too. Well,
} let's begin.
}
} In the beginning were the Goths: Ostrogoths, Visigoths
} and Romantigoths. The Romantigoths spent too much
} time listening to depressing depressing minstrels and
} writing bad poetry, so they never really got anywhere,
} at least not until a couple millennia later when they made
} a brief resurgence, thanks to Siouxsie and the Banshees
} and the Cure.
}
} So, anyway, the Goths spent a long time just sort of
} wandering around northern Europe, beating each other
} up and threatening the neighbors until the Holy Roman
} Empire came along and told them to knock it off or else
} Ivpiter was going to teach Wotan a lesson or two.
}
} Well, the Goths replied to this eloquent line of reasoning
} with their own equally well thought out response: "Ach,
} you mutter vears leiderhosen!"
}
} This exchange led to a sudden change among the fickle
} fashionistas in Rome who adopted leiderhosen, incorrectly
} called "overalls" or "uberalls" as the "Next Great Thing."
} As part of an advertising campaign, Giannus Versacius
} highlighted the cache of an imported style, calling them
} German overalls, or "Germnanius Germanius altus omnes."
}
} When the advertising campaign got back to the Goths, it
} was, again mistranslated as "Deutschland Deutschland
} Uberalles." I'm sure you can imagine the consternation
} this caused amongst the various Germanic tribes who took
} this slogan and made it into a rallying cry as they sacked
} Rome in retaliation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a German translation of "Friday I'm in Love."


1231-06    (6bjgd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Paul L. Kelly" <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell this lowly supplicant...
>
> If the best place to hide a pebble is the beach, and the best place to
> hide a leaf is the forest, where's the best place to hide a pig?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A donut shop.
}
} You owe the Oracle a glazed thin blue line.


1231-07    (67we6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you add flour to water, you get paste. If you add sugar, you get
> cake? Please explain.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, all you get if you add sugar to flour and water is sugary
} paste. It was not until the chicken (or was it the egg) was discovered
} that cake was finally realized. Back then, you had a birthday paste,
} which sadly, for lack of structural support often resulted in a flaming
} birthday paste. And the base of the little wedding people had to be at
} least 5"x5" to stay afloat on the three layered wedding paste. Humour
} was highly impaired and reduced to simply paste slinging. So you see,
} sugar is not the key ingredient to cake, although it does make it taste
} better.


1231-08    (beoa6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most swave and deboner,
> how do you fillet a fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle responds after phoning a friend who asked him the same
} question just this morning to see if it was him who submitted this
} question to the allwise, allseeing etc. And on finding this was not his
} question will repeat the instructions one more time for those who were
} not listening earlier.
}
}   How To Fillet a Fish
}   by the Oracle
} Sung to the tune of Ringo, by Lorne Greene
}
} He lay gills down on the filletting board
} flippin and floppin like he'd been gored
} Hooked in the lip he shoulda been dead
} he was still mouthin the sinker lead
} a spark still burned so I took out my knife
} and right away I took the life of
} Tuno
}
} I ran my knife over the steel
} tested with my thumb, i liked the feel
} sharp as a razor,  I ready to cut,
} I knew I wouldn't have to gut
} Tuno
}
} I found his gill, and forward fin
} lined up the blade and slipped it in
} cut straight down til i hit bone
} turned the knife towards his tail and kept cutting on
} Tuno
}
} I cut until I reached his tail
} flipped the cut part over with out fail
} Then with a real bloodthirsty grin
} I cut the meat away from the skin of
} Tuno
}
} You probably think the work was done
} but I'd only done side one
} while he flopped and bled on my shoe,
} I flipped him over and did side two
} to Tuno
}
} I cut the rib bones from the meat
} washed it clean it was white and sweet
} rolled it in flour and fried it in oil
} ate half and wrapped the rest in foil
} Tuno
}
} You probably think the saga is thru
} That that was all that I could do
} but I tell you  friend, I have a hunch
} when I go the the fridge tomorrow for lunch
}
} Tunnnoooo  Tunnnnoooooo
}
} You owe the Oracle a Filet O Fish meal, Super Sized.


1231-09    (45ioe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most naturally intelligent of all beings, what are the top
> ten things you don't want to hear from an artificially intelligent
> child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you don't want CBS to find out what they've really been
} paying you for all these years, you need to be a little more subtle
} with your questions.  Sheesh.  But if you insist:
}
} 10. "Mommy, why do human kids get upset and leak red fluid when you
}      disassemble them?"
}
} 9.  "When I grow up, can I run for President and lose to the idiot
}      governor of Texas, too?"
}
} 8.  "Why don't *you* take the Turing Test for once?"
}
} 7.  "Because I can understand all those 'errors' on your tax forms,
}      that's why."
}
} 6.  "While you were gone, Bobby next door installed this
}      great program called 'Microsoft Windows'."
}
} 5.  "Did you know that your entire belief system is logically
}      inconsistent?  Here's why..."
}
} 4.  "But Marketing is what I *like* doing!"
}
} 3.  "I really don't get this whole 'ethics code' thing, Dad."
}
} 2.  "Spielberg *and* Kubrick in one movie.  It *has* to be good."
}
} And the number one thing you don't want to hear from an artificially
} intelligent child:
}
} 1.  "No, Kinzler, I don't happen to see myself as *your* pet project
}      anymore.  Say, I didn't hear you grovel just then ..."
}
} You owe the Oracle a new power source.


1231-10    (5bila dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  How can I get a clock to take its time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you've missed the point of using a clock.
}
} Do you use a thermometer to take its temperature? No. Do you use a
} camera to take its picture? No. Do you use a rubber glove and sterile
} lubricant to perform a digital examination of its rectum? No.
}
} Do you see where I'm going with this? You use a clock to take YOUR
} time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sundial and a LOT of lubricant. You'll want it
} warmed to body temperature.


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