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Internet Oracularities #1233

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Internet Oracularities #1233    (66 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 04 Oct 2001 08:08:46 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1233
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1233  66 votes 49om7 4bud8 3bpl6 4egkc 39knb 5cghg 6epf6 ckhg1 24ns9 6cqd9
1233  3.2 mean  3.3   3.2   3.2   3.3   3.5   3.4   3.0   2.6   3.6   3.1


1233-01    (49om7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can stare down Ghidrah and has more birdcage litter than
> Rodan:
>
> Got any suggestions for where I can make my fall rampage?
>
> -Godzilla

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite the fact that Tokyo and the surrounding area can be lovely in
} the autumn, perhaps you're ready for a change of scenery.
}
} If you want someplace where you can just kick back and relax, it's hard
} to beat the Southwest Pacific. Bali might be a good choice - the
} weather is very similar to the Jurassic period when you were born, and
} the natives know how to keep a secret when a celebrity is in town. You
} could probably arrange a day trip to the Phillipines if you want to
} take a nice relaxing soak in a volcano, too. And Bali isn't that far
} away as Gamara flies - a bargain in terms of travel expenses.
}
} If excitement is what you're looking for, by all means Antarctica is
} THE place to be! Mountains to climb, ravines to hurdle - and it'll be
} springtime when you arrive, which means the glacier surfing will be
} tremendous! If you get a little homesick, there are plenty of
} scientists in isolated bases to terrorize. It'll be just like home, but
} without the noisy artillery!
}
} If nightlife is your thing, it's hard to beat Rio de Janeiro. The
} music, the women, the beaches, the wine, the WOMEN! In a land where the
} language has no word for "no," you'll find plenty of company! And
} maybe, just maybe, you can get a part as an extra in a music video.
}
} But let's face it - when it comes to rampaging, there's no place like
} home. Tokyo is the giant lizard's dream: cardboard buildings,
} ineffectual military, plenty of radioactive hotspots, sushi bars on
} every corner. That's why all the really BIG monsters go there. Granted,
} it gets a little crowded during the tourist season, but it's YOUR home
} turf, Big Guy! Mark that territory one more time - you'll be glad you
} did!
}
} You owe the Oracle snaps of your trip. But please be careful with the
} film this time - the last roll was fogged by radiation.


1233-02    (4bud8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, are you playing fast and loose with the fabric of space and time
> again? What did your father tell you about that, dear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP 10 THINGS THE ORACLE'S FATHER TOLD HIM
}
} 10. Chicks dig it when you come to them in the shape of a bull.
}  9. Or a swan.
}  8. But only when your wife isn't around.
}  7. Giving birth to a daughter from your forehead is a BITCH.
}  6. When you're offered the pile with the fat and the pile with the
}     meat, go with the meat.  It tastes better.
}  5. That Prometheus.  What an asshole.
}  4. The ZOT staff is not a toy.  People are toys, and you zot them with
}     the ZOT staff.
}  3. Try to avoid being on Olympus on Thursdays.  That's when they serve
}     liver.
}  2. When picking sides in a war, always change a few times.  Keeps the
}     mortals guessing.
}  1. Playing around fast and loose with the fabric of space and time is
}     a trip, isn't it?  Hey, lookit what you can do when...
}
} You owe the Oracle an umblemished ram.


1233-03    (3bpl6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, how did you come to hire Zadoc?  If it isn't
> confidential or anything like that, could you tell me how his interview
> went?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I let it be known among the noble gods and clever deities, the foxy
} nymphs and wizened immortals that I, the Oracle, was in need of a
} right hand man. A helpmate of unparalleled wit, cunning on par with
} a wolverine, and moral integrity that could be called into question
} by none. Plus they had to be willing to work for peanuts as I am
} known far and wide for running a non-union shop.
}
} As you can well imagine only a few meet my lofty qualifications,
} yet they came. A battle scarred cohort of Mars', a pair of talking
} buzzards from the Anasazi, a genie once of Tibet, the very architect
} himself of the Tower of Babel, a grandpup of Anubis, a thought once
} uttered by Tian, a con man from the treasury house of Sulla, and six
} or seven more... What a grand ensemble they were!
}
} Out onto the temple lawn they gathered in their magnificence to partake
} of a grand feast before the games of wit and strength I had planned
} for them. The winner would earn his place in history at my side.
}
} Then I heard that sound! A sound I can never forget! The steady
} -ding-ding-ding- of the caterers from "Dionysos' Grub and Suds"
} backing up a gaudily painted delivery truck full of food. -ding-
} ding-ding-ding- went that backup bell as the truck backed up and
} over the assembled horde! I, myself, barely escaped with my skin!
} The waste of accumulated wisdom! The damage to my best lawn chairs!
} I shudder to think of it even now!
}
} I ran to the truck and dragged out the blithering fool behind the wheel
} resolving to torture the worm forever. The driver was of course, Zadoc.


1233-04    (4egkc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy Orrific Oracular Oraclesse,
>
> Could you please tell me what happened the day the Atog died?  I have
> the distinct impression it has something to do with the revival
> of Disco and the sudden interest in edible underwear and american
> cheese wiz.  If you could shed a light in this matter? I see a pattern
> forming but can't put it together.  As a new introduced service charge
> (in effect since world peace has finally been established) I hereby
> offer you this magnificent Turkish Feta with extra green molds and
> these three fermented corn pellets.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long long time ago
} I can still remember how questions used to make me smile
} And I knew if I had my drothers
} That I could answer questions for others
} And maybe they'd be happy for a while.
}
} But a recent post made me shiver
} With every answer I'd deliver
} Bad news in the inbox
} I couldn't make any more mocks
}
} I can't remember if I cried
} When I read about his sorry hide
} But something touched me deep inside
} The day that Atog died
}
} So
} {Refrain}
} Bye-bye, Mr. Oracle Guy
} Drove my chariot to the Marriott
} But the price was too high
} And them good old boys were eatin' bad take-out Thai
} Typin' this'll be the day that I die
} This'll be the day that I die
}
} Did you phrase your question or a novel
} And did you remember to properly grovel
} If the Oracle tells you so?
} Do you believe in proper grammar
} Can you speak without a stammer
} And can you teach me how to answer "tellme" with a simple no?
}
} Well, I know that you're in love with Lisa
} 'Cause I saw you eyein' her pizza
} You both grabbed the same slice
} Man, I dig Jasmine rice!
}
} He was a lonely teenage programming freak
} Who hadn't bathed in more than a week
} But I knew I had to answer this geek
} The day that Atog died
}
} I started thinkin'
} {Refrain}
}
} Now for ten years I've been on my own
} Zadoc grows fat on provalone
} But that's not how it used to be
} When the Usenet only had 100 posts
} Chat rooms had less 'bots and more live hosts
} And a voice that came from you and me
}
} Oh, and while the Atog was shopping for cheese
} A spammer whacked him in the knees
} The courtroom was adjourned
} No verdict was returned
} And while Lisa read an O'Reilly book
} I happened to take a wild-eyed look
} At the weird turn this song took
} The day that Atog died
}
} We were hacking
} {Refrain}
}
} Mister Mister played with Twisted Sister
} Someone shot at Lisa but they missed her
} We never found the grassy knoll
} The bullet landed in the lake
} Hit Bill Gates, but it was fake
} We never did figure out if it was a troll
}
} Atog ran a discoteque
} Ate Fritos and watched Star Trek
} But we liked him anyway
} Oh, but he never got the chance
} To realize his dream to dance
} The knee braces refused to yield
} Do you recall what was revealed
} The day that Atog died
}
} We started posting
} {Refrain}
}
} Oh, the answers were in their place
} But there I was, egg on my face
} With no response witty enough to say
} Oh come on, Mary had a little lamb
} A little mint jelly and some spam
} And I knew that nothing would be the same after today
}
} Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
} Go-go dancers wiggling in a cage
} I watched him fall to the lighted floor
} Lisa said that she was bored
} And as he tumbled down the stairs
} People started dancing in pairs
} Because disco dancers just don't care
} The day that Atog died
}
} He was screaming
} {Refrain}
}
} I met a girl in edible underwear
} And I asked her if she would care
} But she just smiled and turned away
} I went down to the sacred store
} Where I'd eaten Cheeze Whiz years before
} But the man there said please just go away
}
} And in the streets the AOL'ers screamed
} Compuserve cried, and the Prodigy dreamed
} But not a word was typed out
} NetZero had been wiped out
} And the posters I admired most
} Lost their DNS and their mail was toast
} I couldn't even eat Lisa's pot roast
} The day that Atog died
}
} And they were flaming
} {Refrain}
}
} They were double-posting bye-bye, Mr. Oracle Guy
} Drove my chariot to the Marriott
} But the price was too high
} And them good old boys were eatin' bad take-out Thai
} Typin' this'll be the day that I die
}
} You owe the Oracle another box of Kleenex, it's been a bad week, thank
} you SO much...


1233-05    (39knb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If we keep shooting rockets into space then the amount of mass
> on earth should be decreasing, right? Plus we're burning all
> that oil leaving big holes in the earth, right? So the earth
> has less mass than in the past....Soooooo, sooner or later the
> earth's gravity field will be so slight we can just leap into
> orbit, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, this *would* be true except for the fact that the
} mass of the anal probes and mind control mechanisms brought
} onto the planet by X-files type aliens more than makes up for
} these losses. Dieticians may be bemoaning the obese nature of
} the American populace these days, but they forget to take into
} account the fact that every third individual is wired up
} better than Arecibo, and transmitting every single body noise
} back to Sirius.
}
} This is what happens when really advanced civilizations get
} into "reality TV". Be warned.


1233-06    (5cghg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@suespammers.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am studying the OSI Model, could you please explain it to me in easy
> terms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly. Nothing delights the oracle more than explaining basic
} computer science. Over the years educational theorists have determined
} that there are two types of computer science students - those who have
} an instinctive grasp of what's going on, and those who need to have it
} beaten into them with a blunt stick. Here goes.
}
} OSI (standing of course for Oracle / Supplicant Interface) is a layered
} way of describing the way in which two entities communicate. At the top
} we have the most abstract version of the communication, at the bottom
} we have the most detailed way. In between we have every protocol whose
} sponsor or proprietry owner had enough clout or cash to get it included
} in the model.
}
} The model looks something like this:
}
} APPLICATION LAYER - that's you, the applicant. You're applying yourself
}                   using an email program.
}
} PRESENTATION LAYER - This is how you're going to present your question.
} It includes language and syntax, with bonus points for how well you
} grovel.  In a simple world, you just ask questions. In an IT world, you
} ask questions in a particular format.
}
} SESSION LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask questions in a
} particular format. In a computer theorists world, you have to ask them
} starting and ending at a particular time and between two particular
} places. (Alternatively this refers to your next counselling apointment
} after you've tried to get your mind around the transport layer).
}
} TRANSPORT LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask questions in a
} particular format, starting and  ending at a particular time and in a
} particular place. In a protocol theorists world, you need to consider
} what happens if I don't hear the entire question, and you need to
} repeat some of it.
}
} NETWORK LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions
} starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place
} using a particular transport protocol. In a system engineer's world,
} you need to consider the path that the question is going to take to
} get from you to me, and how it's going to find that path.
}
} DATA LINK LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions
} starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place
} using a particular transport protocol via a particular path. In a
} network engineer's world, this is going to take some hardware.
}
} PHYSICAL LAYER - In a simple world, you just ask formatted questions
} starting and ending at a particular time and in a particular place
} using a particular transport protocol via a particular path using
} particular hardware.  In a digital engineer's world, you need to
} transform the message into voltages, pulses of light, or smoke signals.
}
} See, it's easy.
}
} You owe the oracle a 7-decker sandwich.


1233-07    (6epf6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I pass my degree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being all knowing, I shall answer this for all possible scenarios.
}
} 1)  Yes, the Pepto-Bismol (tm) will do the trick.  However, I think
} that we all would appreciate it if you didn't hang it back up, thank
} you very much.
} 2)  No, in it's rolled up form, it is more aerodynamic than you,
} which allows it to obtain a higher terminal velocity than you.
} 3)  Yes, In two hours your temperature will exceed 108 degrees, at
} which point terminal brain damage will occur.
} 4)  No, you shouldn't have spent so much time partying that last year.
}
} You owe the Oracle sky-diving lessons.


1233-08    (ckhg1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle of Oracleness, please tell me why we drive on parkways
> and park on driveways.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Same reason you forward emails that had stopped being funny before
} you were even born.  Giving microelectronics to a bunch of apes was
} a mistake.
}
} Andy Grove owes Prometheus a substitution.


1233-09    (24ns9 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, each of your answers is as unique as the finger-
> prints of a prince, as different from the answer before as two
> flakes in an Indiana flurry,
>
> Do commas hate asterisks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all. Theirs is an unusual relationship of mutual admiration.
} Asterisks admire the quantity in which commas are used and commas have
} always admired the fact that asterisks are used to highlight important
} parts.
}
} The keyboard is not without its animosity.
}
} Ever since the e-mail came about, quite a few keys have taken a jealous
} disliking to the @ symbol.
} The @ symbol's attitude has become almost intolerable. It seems as
} though it has to be at the center of everything.
} It's been so insufferable, in fact, that it recently argued its inane
} necessity in website URLs ... like it needs to be everywhere. Talk
} about an inflated sense of self worth.
}
} As for the rivalry between / and \ , they've been unbearable since the
} days of DOS.
} Each one still argues that one is more important than the other.
} Heck, 60% of all computer users still haven't figured out which one is
} the forward slash and which one is the back slash.
}
} I'm not even going to mention the quibbling between ~ and ` much less
} between the identity crisis between ' and `.
} Thank goodness the < and > (great than / less than) signs never had a
} problem. They were always such logical twins.
}
} Though I wish - would stop being so negative and + would be more
} realistic. Still, it could be worse on the keyboard with = being so
} even tempered ... even during times of war.
}
} By the way, one last note ...
}
} ; is male
} : is female
}
} Try not to confuse them. They're rather sensitive about that.
}
} In Truth,
} The Oracle


1233-10    (6cqd9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, someone just told me about a charity to provide free and
> unlimited Lucky Strikes for spammers. Is the charity legit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely.  Each spammer gets as many lit cigarettes as he can carry.
} The charity is *very* generous, and will continue to find ingenious
} places that a cigarette can be carried, long after the spammer claims
} to have all he wants.  Not that anyone can tell that's what he's
} saying, of course, with all those packs of cigarettes stuffed in his
} mouth (to begin with).
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of the face of the first spammer to
} receive the charity's largess.


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