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Internet Oracularities #1236

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Internet Oracularities #1236    (61 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 11 Nov 2001 16:19:46 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1236
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1236  61 votes 2ahma 28jma gjf74 8pfa3 02ngk 9ajcb hbgb6 2aboe 67m9h 53kif
1236  3.2 mean  3.5   3.5   2.4   2.6   3.9   3.1   2.6   3.6   3.4   3.6


1236-01    (2ahma dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle, you are the Back Forty of Knowledge and the Fox in the
>  Chicken Coop of Truth, you put the Husband in husbandry and the
>  Dome in the domestication of plants and animals. I worship you
>  and your enormously large, gently humming cranium!
>
>  Would a lemur or a pug dog make a better pet on a space station?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would a lemur or a pug dog make a better pet... than what?  An
} elephant? Definitely.  An octopus?  No way.  Octopi are smarter, take
} up less room (milligram for milligram, that is) and can even put on a
} decorative colour change whenever you put their tank against a
} different background.
}
} More especially, in the crowded confines of a space station, sexual
} discretion will be paramount.  In such a hothouse environment, sexual
} tension will be enormous, but the risks of getting caught will be great
} - and the repercussions far above what they would be on Earth.  So
} octopi will be indispensable.  They will give the perfect excuse for
} that inconvenient hickey.  Thus:
}
}     "Truly, dear!  I was just giving poor Henry
}      some much-needed TLC and that sucker [sic]
}      just grabbed my throat and --MWOOMPH!-- an
}      enormous love-bi**<cough> mark!"
}
}         "Oooh, yes darling, I can see!  You poor
}          thing!  Of course, that's exactly how I
}          got mine, you know."
}
}     "Yes, I surmised as much.  Just don't let
}      Henry sit on your lap anymore, okay?"
}
} You owe the Oracle an octopus's garden - in the shade.


1236-02    (28jma dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I am confusticated.  In fact, I am totally
> and complootly clobbernoggled.  Once again your
> immense intellect has left me in the dirt.
>
> I asked you a question in which I did not mention
> woodchucks.  In fact, I even TOLD you that I was not
> mentioning woodchucks.  You took that as a sign, I
> guess, that I needed woodchucks, and you sent me a
> whole shipload of them, cute, little stuffed woodchuck
> toys, made in China or somewhere.  What's worse is that
> you seem to have invented WTP (Woodchuck Transfer
> Protocol) and implemented a WTP server on my home
> machine.  Every time I sit down at the keyboard, more
> of the damned marmots pour forth from the marmolader
> (it's on /dev/marm; another of your inventions, I
> guess).
>
> Now what am I to do?  I'm loathe to just chuck them
> out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I remember you.
} "What's the name for a stocky little burrowing mammal found in eastern
} America and southern Canada, with a flat head, weighting 2-4 kilos at a
} half metre long, and a bushy six-inch tail, with light-tipped fur and
} black feet, and it's not a woodchuck?"
}
} What, you think the *ZOT* staff only has one setting?
}  - turn supplicant to ash
}  - add supplicant to telemarketers's lists
}  - flatten supplicant with sumo wrestler
}  - disolve supplicant's short-and-curly hairs with itching acid
}  - put fire-ant bait under supplicant's refrigerator
}  - increase supplicant's hearing tenfold when in-laws are nearby
}  - feed deodorant vaccinee to supplicant's underarm bacteria
}  - install windows 3.1 on supplicant's computer
}  - advertise supplicant's phone number in "Leather Playboys" magazine
}  - drain 1d6 experience levels from supplicant
}  - advertise supplicant's phone number in "Martha Stewart's Living"
}    magazine
}  - turn zinc into gold
}  - everything supplicant touches, including self, turns to rich,
}    creamery butter
}  - add a nipple to supplicant's forehead
}  - give supplicant a gland that produces that
}    turns-ethanol-into-formaldehyde stuff that Alcoholics Anonymous says
}    they stopped using
}  - give supplicant another much-needed hole in head
}  - supplicant no longer has room for Jell-O
}  - supplicant only ever sees the inner beauty... when gazing upon
}    lawyers
}  - glue thumbtacks to the lowest inch of every vertical surface in
}    supplicant's home, then rearrange the furniture to the bathroom
}    during the night
}  - give all supplicant's children collic, even the adolescent ones
}  - Og gets an intern job at supplicant's place of work
}  - whenever supplicant waits for teenage daughter to come home from a
}    date, all nearby timepieces operate at twice the speed
}  - Zadoc gets a manager job at supplicant's place of work
}  - supplicant looks fat in *any* dress, despite actual weight
}  - inside of supplicant's nose itches intolerably whenever a camera or
}    large crowd is watching
}  - inadequate oil businessman with a bad grip on the English language
}    becomes head of state in supplicant's home country
}  - summon the Devil to stand at the foot of the bed and watch
}    supplicant during sleep
}  - supplicant's teevee connection blacks out during any sporting event
}    except the Special Olympics
}  - replace supplicant's place of work with a fast-food franchise
}  - everything supplicant touches to mouth tastes like pork
}  - all of supplicant's mail arrives only in suspicous plain-brown paper
}    packages
}  - supplicant misplaces car keys constantly
}  - supplicant's spouse misplaces car keys constantly, and blames
}    supplicant
}  - give supplicant a sharp poke in the eye with a stick
}  - every article of supplicant's music collection replaced with
}    "Vermillion and Cordellia's Compleat[sic] Works of Gothic Poetry"
}  - anytime after a visit to a movie theatre, supplicant will only
}    remember seeing the movie "Howard the Duck"
}  - instead of the usual satisfaction, supplicant feels hungry again
}    after eating Chineese food
}  - supplicant now has two left feet... attached to wrists
}  - rolling blackouts in supplicant's home state
}  - supplicant's home plumbing connected directly to Mexico (if
}    American) or Lake Erie (if Mexican)
}  - supplicant believes to be perfectly fluent in French, but can only
}    say "cheese omlette"
}  - supplicant taken on a bus tour vacation in Siberia (and returns
}    alive -- no easy way out on this one)
}  - every paper-and-ink printed page supplicant reads looks as if its
}    text is surrounded in <BLINK></BLINK> tags
}  - dingleberries for girls, menstrual cramps for boys
}
} ... and many, many more, but one worth mentioning is:
}  - plague of w**dch*cks
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything.  You've already suffered enough.


1236-03    (gjf74 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you that shares his blocks, you that have not locks
> on his front door, you does and not just talks;
>
> Were they trying to steal my truck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kazu:  Ah-so.  Ichiro.  What: have-you-done?
} Ichiro:  I: was-merely: practicing my-swing, Kazu-san.  Why?
} Kazu:  Look, tomodachi-da.  You-have broken the-windows: on this
}   sleek, expensive-looking sports-car in the parking lot.
} Ichiro:  Oh!  I-am-so very embarrassed.  Perhaps: I should-give-up-my:
}   practising?
} Kazu:  No-No, Ichiro-san.  You: are-a-baseball-star.  You:
}   must-continue-to-practice: and excel.  I have: a better-idea:
}   Ichiro-san.  Do-you-see: there-is-a truck: in-the parking: lot.
}   The-white Chevy, yes?
} Ichiro:  Ah-so.  The-one: with-the-license plate: that-says El Duque?
} Kazu:  Yes, Ichiro-san.  Belt-one: out-of-the-park: my-friend.


1236-04    (8pfa3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Six foot two
> Eyes of blue
> Cock-a-doodle-doodle-do
> Has anybody seen my bird?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      No.
}      You owe the Oracle a recipe for breading.
} Something suitable for, uh, poultry.  Yeah, that's it.
}  Poultry.


1236-05    (02ngk dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are older and wiser than Geb, you who were there when
> the first turtle wore out and was replaced by the one currently
> holding up the Earth, you have acquired much knowledge and your
> are Wise.
>
> How does coffee differ from heroin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, with coffee, you have to heat the water... no, that's not
} different...
}
} Okay, with coffee, it's picked and processed by underpaid workers in
} Third World... no, that's not different either...
}
} Then, with coffee, it's traded on a world market jealously guarded by
} shady cartels... drat, that's no better...
}
} Many high-performing professional people in the industrialised world
} cannot function effectively until they've had their first daily...
} BLAST.
}
} Hang on, I've got it.
}
} Coffee can bring you a stink to your breath, but heroin can string you
} to the brink of death.
}
} Hey, you try answering these before your first hit of the day!
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottomless cup. With cream. And that special
} "powdered sugar" thanks.


1236-06    (9ajcb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When do you think the Priests will pull out of their 9-11 induced
> funk and start laughing again? We need digests.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When Tim Chew is on his brother's throne
} And Dr. Noe aligns with Paul
} Then puns fill incarnations
} And laughs will cheer us all
}
} This is the dawning of the Age of a new digest
} The Age of a new digest
} A new digest!
} A new digest!
}
} Shining wit and w**d****k zotting
} Parody and yucks abounding
} No more crap like 1 2 3 4
} Kinzler's bad idea of humor
} Delphic Research fooled 'em one time
} Let's have some fun forcing bad rhyme
} A new digest!
} A new digest!
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get this damn earworm out of his head.


1236-07    (hbgb6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I go about finding a driver for my PCI Simple Communication. I
> just upgraded my computer and it worked under 98 however it will not
> find a driver under XP.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You grovel first.
}
} To me.
}
} Then, grovel to Microsoft.  It won't get you anything,
} but you'll make them feel better.  Remember, if
} Microsoft made toasters, they'd only work with
} Microsoft bread.
}
} Your best bet?  Get rid of XP and put 98 back on.
}
} You owe the Oracle Dos 3.2.


1236-08    (2aboe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <dr.noe@home.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hated, *hated*, *HATED*, that answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there! Looking for a good read? Been a while since you had your nose
} in a book? Trying to find the perfect way to enjoy your off-hours?
}
} If you said 'yes' to any of these, look no more. For a limited time
} only, Delphi Publications presents:
}
} "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That Answer: The Dark Side of the
} Oracularities," an in-depth look into some of the most bland,
} uninspiring answers ever given to supplications by unassuming
} incarnations! This book has it all! Who could ever forget that infamous
} answer from Digest #723-04:
}
} } It was written by Monserasto, vizier to King Hammurabi
} } of Babylonia, in 1937 BC.  Regrettably, it is no longer
} } in print.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a translation into English, on CD-ROM.
}
} Terrible, isn't it? But one thing's for sure: "I Hated, *Hated*,
} *HATED* That Answer" is in print and your's to own! In it you'll find
} such futile attempts at humor such as this one, #861-06:
}
} } The fact that some people can't even use a keyboard is whats even
} } worse.
}
} or, from #1057-04:
}
} } my sister
}
} or #1095-01, that answer to end all Oracularities:
}
} } You should seek therapy
}
} And what would a collection be like without everyone's favorite, the
} dreaded *ZOT* response! In this book you'll find such variations as:
}
} } **zot**
}
} } Zot!
}
} } ZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT
}
} and, of course:
}
} } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ
} } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ
} } TTTTTOOOOOZZZZZ
} }
} } P.S. read it bcakward
}
} Can't you just hear the groans and pity laughs on that one? And if you
} *HATED* those answers, just wait until you read the ones that didn't
} make the cut! Inside we have exclusive, first-time evidence of out
} takes and also-rans, like this one from incarnation #QCaadfT:
}
} } I don't know
}
} And how about this answer from incarnation #QhBaWzl?
}
} } What's a woodchuck?
}
} Plus, in this edition for a limited time only, you find the one and
} only answer from the first incarnation ever, #QVgirY! Here it is:
}
} } zot
}
} It's ALL in here! And if THAT doesn't whet your appetite, check out our
} in-depth, top secret, behind-the-scenes look a day in the life of the
} Priesthood, containing hundreds of comments and reactions to la creme
} de la crap! Here's an excerpt:
}
} Chew: Hey Snuggles, look at this!
}
} McGee: <sigh> Oh shit, not another stupid in-joke reference!
}
} Chew: Yep. This time they have Lisa giving sex tips to Og!
}
} Panzer: Quick! Who wants to bet that we get 50 replies with the word
} "ZOT" in the next ten minutes?
}
} Sewell: I'll take you up on that!
}
} Panzer: You're on!
}
} Davis: So what about this one, guys?
}
} Sewell: You know the rule, Darkmage. If it passes spellcheck and
} doesn't take more than ten seconds to read it's a keeper!
}
} Davis: But isn't that the "Last Resort" rule?
}
} McGee: Hey, do you wanna type up the code for the Grade-o-matic all
} over again, phlegm wad?
}
} Davis: Hey! I'm not the one who deleted it while re-inserting, pissant!
}
} McGee: Hey! Leave my sex life out of this!
}
} Kinzler: <enters room> Morning, gentlemen! How's that latest Digest
} coming?
}
} Panzer: Why...um...
}
} Chew: Great! Just fine! We're almost done, Steve!
}
} Kinzler: AH, good to hear! You know if we get this out of the way by 3
} in the afternoon, I know of a nice gentlemen's club where--hey, WHAT'S
} THAT? HOW'D THIS MICROPHONE GET HERE?! ARGH! DIRTY BAS--
} [pffft]
}
} All of this, and many more surprises in: "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED*
} That Answer: The Dark Side of the Oracularities." The latest from
} Delphi Publications, now available in paperback. All this and more for
} just $49^H^H29^H^H14.95 plus shipping and handling!
}
} Of course, no answer can be complete without a question. Call today and
} you'll receive a special discount on: "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That
} Question," a personal history of the tellme's that give a whole new
} meaning to the staff of Zot and a perfect complement to this special
} feature! Call now! Operators are standing by.
} "I Hated, *Hated*, *HATED* That Answer: The Dark Side of the
} Oracularities." Get your copy today!
}
} Also available from Delphi Publications: "You Call That a Grovel!";
} "You Owe the Oracle: Laissez-Faire Economics in a Give-or-Take World";
} and "You've Got Worms: The Fall From Grace of Zadoc the Priest."
} Available while supplies last.


1236-09    (67m9h dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens when pasta and antipasta collide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spaghetti-Ohs.


1236-10    (53kif dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever seen William Shatner performing a musical number? Now
> don't you wish you could "un-see" it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: A desolate alien landscape, vaguely resembling a 1960's
}        television sound stage. A painted background and several
}        styrofoam rocks complete the image.
}
} [Enter SPOCK]
}
}  I am the very model of a Vulcan science officer
}  I've information that you need less rarely and more oftener,
}  I know all the impulse speeds when trav'lling at a sub-light rate,
}  Including the whole warp scale from one up past the number eight.
}
}  I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters biological,
}  As well as protocol and all equipment technological,
}  About your strange Earth culture I remember nearly all of it,
}  From ancient weapons, modern clothes, to recipes for halibut.
}
} Scene: Elsewhere, same planet. Present: a small security team.
}
}  Three little shirts of red are we,
}  Here with our phasers at ready,
}  To shoot anything that looks scary,
}     Three little shirts, of red!
}
}  Captain says not to stray too far.
}
}  Wish we could see him from where we are.
}
}  What is that thing? It looks bizarre!
}
}  Three little shir-- EEEAGH!
}
}     *munch munch munch*
}
}  Two little shirts, of red!
}
} [Enter KIRK, SPOCK, BONES. KIRK begins singing.]
}
}  I'm called Little Captain Kirk -- dear Little Captain Kirk!
}     No more promotions for me.
}  I'll stay Little Captain Kirk -- proud little Captain Kirk,
}     As long as I'm in this Star Fleet.
}
} [FX: large flash of light. ZOT sound. Smoke.]
}
} No, dear supplicant. I've never had to watch William Shatner performing
} a musical number. At least, not all the way through.


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