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Internet Oracularities #1239

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Internet Oracularities #1239    (48 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2001 12:49:16 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1239
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1239  48 votes 15en5 5ll10 18dj7 3jb96 6aee4 afh24 eee51 22cie 37cj7 56fac
1239  3.1 mean  3.5   2.4   3.5   2.9   3.0   2.5   2.3   3.8   3.4   3.4


1239-01    (15en5 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the women I know are the ones I'm *least* likely to see
> naked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's go back to basics. It has to do with the way you start your
} relationships.
}
} There are two basic laws:
} 1. The likelihood of ever seeing a woman naked decreases the longer
} you know her without having seen her naked.
} 2. The likelihood of seeing a woman naked again increases with the
} number of times you have seen her naked.
}
} As you can imagine, this results in two feedback loops, one positive,
} one negative. The two curves overlap slightly, and are quite chaotic
} in the early stages, thus making it possible to shift from one to the
} other. The further you go along either path, though, the harder it is
} to ever switch, leading to your conundrum.
}
} The solution to this is to nip the problem in the bud, so to speak.
}
} The next time you meet a woman, you must ask (nicely!) to see her
} naked. If she says no, don't worry, you haven't lost any opportunity,
} since Law 1 makes it clear you would never have seen her naked
} anyway. If she says yes, then be sure to repeat the request
} frequently early in your relationship. Before you know it, you'll be
} surrounded by a bevy of lovely women all just dying to tear off their
} clothes and parade before you naked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Victoria's Secret television
} ad.


1239-02    (5ll10 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O' Great Oracle, who is the very essence of knowlege, answer my
> foolish yammering and not ZOT me?
>
>     Would'st thou forgiveth me for my henious crime of not appearing at
> my inbox and failing ye? I am thy most loyal servant who has been
> faithful for one year. I would'st cease bothering ye for my long awaited
> raise.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I forgive you.  Never mind that I've had acolytes scouring
} the countryside, searching every nook and cranny of Mount Olympus
} looking for your scrawny hide, while the evidence of my brilliance
} festered in your inbox.  Why I oughta...!
}
} Ahem.
}
} Anyway, you owe the Oracle a promise to set your email client to check
} for mail every 2 minutes, no matter what your email administrator says.


1239-03    (18dj7 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most ancient and sublime, wise and cheerful, please tell me:
>
> Will you be my friend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.
}
} You owe the Oracle your favorite CD, $20, your lawnmower, the use
} of your truck to help him move some large jagged edged rocks, a
} shoulder to cry on, the use of your backyard for a wild drunken
} keg party, a ride home, a character reference, a job, and a blind
} eye towards his moves on your woman.


1239-04    (3jb96 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can one do with an old rotary phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you considered giving it to your local Rotary Club?
}
} You owe the Oracle an old hand-cranked phone, the kind
} where the magneto rings the bell on the other end of the
} line.


1239-05    (6aee4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> i need internet sites(free of cost) with the following
> character :
>
> -food machinery full automation line information
>  (French Fry , Fast Food , Vegetables Frozen , Fruits Frozen )
> -technical specifications
> -processing equipment
> -meanwhile they will be able to advice me about design
> , establishment , problems and layout of them .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The porn you sickos get off to is getting worse all the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to Pregnant Leather Bondage Nuns.


1239-06    (afh24 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most unflappable Oracle,
>
> Which office will I get sent to next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dead Letter.


1239-07    (eee51 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Tailor of Indiana
> A Novel
> By Orrie Le Carre

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Tailor was a hairy man
} A hairy man who drove a van.
} The tailor wore long sleeves and boots
} He tried to dig deep within his roots
}
} He dug from China, through the world
} halfway through he stopped and hurled.
} Wiping his face with a bandana,
} He emerged on the other side, in Indiana
}
} by Orrie Le Carre


1239-08    (22cie dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise and sagacious, I've just read your recent
> diagnosis from #1238:
>
> } Over time, Usenetters become sensitized, and anything that sounds
> } like it might be an allusion is likely to set them off at
> } inappropriate moments. Your boss's attack seems a fairly harmless one
> } on the whole, though I am slightly concerned by the presence of
> } Doctor Who material in there amongst the more familiar stuff. If his
> } condition worsens, expect to hear such things as "These are not the
> } droids you're looking for", "You talkin' to me?", "There can be only
> } one!" and "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to
> } die". The terminal stages are characterized by such outbursts as
> } "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast", "Don't cross the
> } beams!" and "Klaatu barada nikto". When you hear any of these, you
> } should put him out of his misery as quickly and humanely as possible.
>
> I am shocked, shocked to realize that I recognize each and every one of
> these quotes. The only one I had a moment's hesitation on was the
> SMAKIBBFB, which I couldn't immediately place. I swear to God, I've
> only watched Red Dwarf one time, one fucking time, and it just happened
> to be that episode! I resigned from the Dr. Who fan club decades ago
> (literally!), and surely the Star Wars, Taxi Driver, Highlander,
> Princess Bride, Ghostbusters and The Day The Earth Stood Still quotes
> have become part of the larger popular culture, right? (Well, OK, I
> *did* buy the Princess Bride video when it came out 10 years ago, but
> it was a youthful indescretion. I only watch it now for nostalgia's
> sake.) (OK, OK, so I had Highlander out from the video store for four
> weeks running. It was only summer reruns on TV, and I didn't have cable
> at the time, OK?)
>
> Oh, wait, I just did a Google search on that catch phrase from Red
> Dwarf, and it looks like it was used a lot on that show. Recognizing
> SMAKIBBFB is roughly the equivalent of recognizing "Bang, zoom, to the
> moon, Alice!" after seeing one episode of "The Honeymooners" (a show
> which I've only seen two or three episodes of, and which seems really
> stupid).
>
> So, anyway, nevermind. I guess I'm not a mindless pop culture drone
> after all.
>
> However, since I'm already sending you an e.mail... which is better,
> satellite or cable?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now wait, I say wait just a minute there, boy. You have merely
} established that you MAY not be a mindless pop culture drone. The only
} way to prove it one way or the other beyond a shadow of a doubt is for
} you to complete the following questionnaire.
}
} THE INTERNET ORACLE'S (tm)
} POP ENCULTURATION INVENTORY
} ---------------------------
}
} 1. Complete HAL's line: "This kind of problem has cropped up before,
}    and it has always been due to..."
}
}      a. Gremlins.
}      b. My Intel Pentium processor.
}      c. Irritable bowel syndrome.
}      d. Human error.
}
} 2. Which of the following was not said by Yoda?
}
}      a. "Do or do not, there is no try."
}      b. "Size matters not."
}      c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
}      d. "When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you
}          will not."
}
} 3. What is the original British title of the book & film known to
}    USAns as "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone?"
}
}      a. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
}      b. Harry Potter Gets Stoned.
}      c. When Harry Potter Met Sally.
}      d. Windows XP for Dummies.
}
} 4. "And it absolutely will not stop! Ever! Until you are dead!" What
}    is being referred to?
}
}      a. The Terminator.
}      b. The Love Boat.
}      c. Columbo.
}      d. Income tax.
}
} 5. What was Gabrielle sitting on in the notorious bathing scene in
}    "Xena: Warrior Princess"?
}
}      a. Xena's hand.
}      b. The soap.
}      c. The remains of her acting career.
}      d. Joxer the Mighty (or any other Carry On-style double entendre
}         of your choice).
}
} 6. Who said: "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way"?
}
}      a. Beavis.
}      b. Hobbes.
}      c. Osama bin Laden.
}      d. Jessica Rabbit.
}
} 7. When did the Traveller come as a large and moving Torg?
}
}      a. During the Rectification of the Voldrani.
}      b. During the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Mecentrig.
}      c. Last Tuesday.
}      d. Whenever it damn well pleases!
}
} 8. Sir Ian McKellen was unbelievably cool in:
}
}      a. Richard III.
}      b. Gods and Monsters.
}      c. X-Men.
}      d. All of the above.
}
}      (NB: For the purposes of this test, d. is the wrong answer.)
}
} 9. Who amongst the following has had Borg implants?
}
}      a. Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
}      b. Seven of Nine.
}      c. Britney Spears.
}      d. All of the above.
}
} 10. Which of the following was not said by Duke Nukem 3D?
}
}      a. "Blow it out your ass!"
}      b. "Let god sort 'em out."
}      c. "Like a box of chocolates life is."
}      d. "I haven't got time to play with myself."
}
} 11. Why do aliens from a distant part of the universe all speak with
}     Australian accents?
}
}      a. Australians ARE from a distant part of the universe.
}      b. You've been watching too much "Farscape".
}      c. You didn't expect aliens from a distant part of the universe
}         to actually speak English, did you?
}      d. Fair crack of the whip, mate, they don't know if it's Pitt
}         Street or Christmas out there, and that's the good oil on it!
}
} 12. Of whom was it said he "experienced the sort of abysmal soul
}     sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's peasants when, after
}     putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his
}     wife, and dropping the baby into the city reservoir, he turns to
}     the cupboard, only to find the vodka bottle empty"?
}
}      a. Ace Ventura, pet detective.
}      b. Babe, the sheep-pig.
}      c. Fester Bestertester.
}      d. Freddie Threepwood.
}
} Score one point for each correct answer from 1-11, and deduct three if
} you actually recognised the P G Wodehouse quote in 12. If your overall
} score is nine or higher, you are unquestionably a mindless pop culture
} drone, so stop trying to pretend otherwise.
}
} And, in answer to your question, any megalomaniac bent on global
} conquest from Blofeld to Dr Evil will tell you that cable is a non-
} starter when it comes to deploying a giant continent-obliterating
} death ray. I'm surprised you even had to ask.
}
} You owe this incarnation a rest from pop culture questions. I'm
} starting to develop a craving to watch "Blake's Seven".


1239-09    (37cj7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What kind of calendars will be most popular in 2002?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anything with tits in it.
}
} The "Birdwatchers' Weekly" is a particularly fine example.  And I would
} recommend February for a splendid pair of blue tits.


1239-10    (56fac dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vast Oracle, I grovel whilst standing on my head.  (This is necessary
> as I am in Australia today, and that's how everything I'm saying is
> right-side up.)  I sing your praises to the kangaroos and the snakes.
> If you would like, I'll also sing "Six White Boomers," the Australian
> Xmas song.  Of course, being a grovelling supplicant, I'm not as good
> a singer as you are.  So perhaps you would prefer that I sing something
> else.  Most people ask that I sing "Far, Far Away," but I'm already
> doing that, being in Australia.
>
> Anyway, here's my question.  I went to Ayres Rock, here in Australia,
> because I'd been told it was the World's Largest Monolith.  Let me tell
> you, I was so disappointed!  You remember the Monolith the the film
> 2001?  Well Ayers Rock ain't ANYTHING like it!!  Why do people come
> from all over to see this thing if it's not even a real monolith?  The
> Aussie Government could at least carve it to look like one.  You know
> all about this already.  Why haven't you suggested it to them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, as I know and you should, Mount Uluru (to give it its proper
} name) belongs to the Anangu aboriginal people, not to the Australian
} government. And if you were at all familiar with aboriginal culture,
} you would realise that there are good reasons why Uluru does not
} resemble the monoliths in 2001. However, since you clearly are not, I
} shall have to tell you the relevant Dreamtime story.
}
} At the time of creation the Rainbow Serpent travelled across the land
} and made rivers and valleys with its long, heavy body. After its trip
} it went back to its hole in the ground, and then the Rainbow Serpent
} called out loudly "Come out! Come out!" Suddenly all the animals,
} birds and plants, which had been sleeping under the ground, came out
} and began to live on earth.
}
} The animals, birds and plants began to travel widely across the land
} also, and many came to Uluru and left Tjukurpa of their coming. For
} instance, Mala Tjukurpa tells of three groups of Mala rufous hare
} wallaby people, which arrived from the north. And many other Tjukurpa
} - recalling the Kalaya emu, Liru poisonous snake, Luunpa kingfisher
} and Tjintir-jintirpa willie wagtail peoples - litter the land around
} the monolith.
}
} Now it happened one day that Tatji, the small red lizard who lived on
} the mulgi flats, came to Uluru. He threw his kali, or curved throwing
} stick, up into the air, and imagined it transforming into a spaceship.
} Then he summoned all the animals, birds and plants in the area, and he
} told them that Mount Uluru itself was a Tjukurpa left by a people
} unknown even to the Rainbow Serpent, whose purpose was to guide the
} development of all the races of the land into human beings. What's
} more, Tatji said he planned to turn his idea into a great Dreamtime
} story and make a fortune selling the merchandise, in the form of a
} large pile of stones that he had gathered, each of which looked
} vaguely like Mount Uluru.
}
} But a woman of the Kaniya carpet snake people, who carried her eggs
} around her throat like a necklace, told him that this gag had already
} been done much better in the oracularities by one of the Sewell blue
} tongued lizard men, using Beowulf and Spielberg's Jurassic Park, and
} it had still only been voted a measly 3.2 by the illiterate digest
} readership. So the Kubriki bell-bird brothers took the merchandise
} and stoned Tatji to death with it, and the stones may still be seen
} scattered around Mount Uluru today. For this act, the brothers were
} rewarded by the Rainbow Serpent, which turned them into human beings.
} And when one of their descendants came to make the film 2001, he made
} sure the monoliths looked nothing at all like stones, for copyright
} reasons.
}
} You owe the Oracle your rendition of "The Sounds of Silence".


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