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22 Dec 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:22:52 GMT

Internet Oracularities #124

Goto:
124, 124-01, 124-02, 124-03, 124-04, 124-05, 124-06, 124-07, 124-08, 124-09, 124-10


Usenet Oracularities #124    (16 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Feb 90 03:36:54 GMT

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

124   16 votes 22264 35431 27331 02437 03283 21544 35224 23461 23443 01384
124   3.3 mean  3.5   2.6   2.6   3.9   3.7   3.4   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.9


124-01    (22264 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  MM''MMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  M'  MMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM^^^^^^^^^MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  M  MM"'MM
> MMMMM'"M' MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMV'                ^"MMMMMMMMMM.  'MM  M  M' .MM
> MMM'M :M ;MV MMMMMMMMMM'                      ^MMMMMMMMMM.  ": M .! .MMM
> MM; M  M :M' AMMMMMMV'                          "MMMMMMMMM.  .'''. AMMMM
> MMM ;  ; M:  MMMMMM'                              ^MMMMMMM'        MMMMM
> MMM. ; . M  AMMMMV      @@                 @@      ^MMMM"" ' '.   .MMMMM
> MMMM  .    MMMMMV      @''@               @''@       ^: ..    ;  .MMMMMM
> MMM  '"@"  MMMMV        @@                 @@         MMMMMM.'   MMMMMMM
> MMM.  ;        '                                      ^MMMMMM.   MMMMMMM
> MMMM..'.   .MM'                                        MMMMMMM    VMMMMM
> MMMMM  AMMMMMV                                         ^MMMMMM.    MMMMM
> MMMM'  MMMMMM:                  .    .             ..   MMMMMMM     MMMM
> MMMM   MMMMMM: @@.                              .'  @@  : ^MMMM.     MMM
> MMM'   MMM''': :@: `.                         .' ..@@@  :            .MM
> MMV   ''     : '@@@@: `.                    .'  .@@@@@  ........./MMMMMM
> MM           :  @@@@@. .` .              .'  . .@@@@@'  MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MM:..........:  ^@@@@@@@.    `. - - - . '.  .@@@@@@@@   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMM   ^@@@@@@@@@@@@.    !    .@@@@@@@@@@@@   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM   ^@@@@@@@@@@@@@...@@'..@@@@@@@@@@@@'  AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA   ^@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@   .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA    @@@@@@@@@@@@"'O'OOOO'@@@@@@@'   .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA    ^@@@@@@@VOOOOOOO.OOO @@@V     AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA     ^@@@@OOOOOOOOO.OOO@'     .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA        @@@@.OOOOO.OO     .AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA.          OOOOO OOOO .MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMA..      OOOOOOOOOOO;MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM;OOOOOOOOOO.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM OOOOOOO.MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
> MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMwwwMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't even try to fool the Oracle into thinking you weren't serious
} about your flame message simply because you put a smiley at the end of
} it.


124-02    (35431 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please write me a love letter, which fits both men and women, but
> without being to vague .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, you asked for it.
}
} To my darling,
}    I have waited for so long to have you in my arms.  Too many days pass
} that I cannot have you to myself.  Days are long when I do not see your
} precious face.  Please come to me so that I will no longer suffer in the
} torment put upon me.  But alas, if I may not have the one sweet thing
} that brightens the days as the moonlight brightens the night I will no
} longer live.  Say you'll come to me and stay in my arms forever more.  I
} will give you things that you cannot get from anywhere else.  I will
} make your life so happy that you will no longer yern for the day of your
} parting to the otherworld.  I love you my dearest darling.
}
} Well, How 'bout them apples?!


124-03    (27331 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Gorbachev a CIA plant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shh.  You have stumbled onto our secret.
} I'm afraid that for reasons of national security, we are going to have
} to terminate you.
} [ZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP]
} [sizzlesizzlesizzlesizzle]


124-04    (02437 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEX AND LOVE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the difference between a tin whistle and a Stradivarius violin.
} It's the difference between canned food service peas and fresh-picked
} peas.  It's the difference between IBM mainframes and real computers.
} It's the difference between drinking Coors and drinking Champagne.  It's
} the difference between Velveeta and Brie.
}
} I forget which is which, though.


124-05    (03283 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What am I going to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.  You're going to miss a major exam in your advanced botany
} class (sleep through it, probably).  Then your lover will leave you for
} someone of the alternate sex.  Then you will attempt suicide by jumping
} off a balcony.  However, you will choose the wrong balcony, and you will
} merely shatter your hip.  A junior named Kim Larsen (you met her once at
} a party) will call an ambulance, and ride with you to the emergency
} room, and actually wait for you for seven hours until you are in a cast,
} X-rayed, etc.  She'll visit you in the hospital every day for the next
} two weeks, and then help you get around for the next eight months.  When
} you get the cast off, you will be married.  Your planned honeymoon to
} Spain will start off extremely badly; you'll miss the plane by a few
} seconds.  You will then see it blow up on takeoff.  It goes on like that
} for a long time.  Then it gets better.


124-06    (21544 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where does belly-button lint come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Belly-button lint is a preliminary to the Invasion of the Ice Monsters
} of Planet X.  As part of their cruel, evil plan to conquer the Earth and
} make it a world of misery, they have manufactured billions of
} microscopic robots and programmed them to pick up bits of floss and
} fluff and stuff it in humans' navels while they (the humans) are asleep.
}
} Other parts of their fiendish plan include:
}
} 1. Daylight-savings time.  They manipulated the minds of Congress (not
}    an easy thing to do -- they had to find them first) and compelled
}    them to vote in favor of DST.  Most of them thought that they were
}    voting in favor of a bill legalizing golf and driving.
}
} 2.  MS-DOS.  'nuff said.
}
} 3. The Care Bears.  If you have ever seen this show, you will realize
}    that it is simply an hour-long propeganda organ, urging children to
}    storm embassies and forcibly sell drugs to the embassy janitorial
}    staff for inflated prices under pain of death.
}
} 4. Fingernails.  These fiendish devices are attached to human fingers
}    by microrobots excreting thin layers of calcium.  They divert human
}    attention and frequently cause wounds.  Furthermore, the Ice Monsters
}    own large shares of stock in all legally-licensed nailclipper
}    companies.  (You may not realize it, but the U.S.  Government
}    regulates nailclippers very severely.  Last year twenty-two people
}    were executed for illegally producing them.) Three weeks before the
}    invasion, all companies will stop producing them, throwing the
}    country into chaos.
}
} 5. Tootsie Rolls (tm).  These fiendishly-planned foods contain no real
}    chocolate.  They are provided to children in large numbers to keep
}    them from realizing how good chocolate is, thereby reducing the
}    level of human morale.
}
} The list goes on and on.  Nasal hair, indigestion, beets, girl-scout
} cookies, opera, rain, slugs, eggplant, and so on and so on.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Ice Monster Melter (tm).


124-07    (35224 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between a bicycle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of all the stupid questions!
}
} 1. A bicycle is a method of transportation, not a means of keeping
}    others out.
} 2. A bicycle can't fly.
} 3. You can't wear a bicycle
} 4. Bicycles are not implements of torture.  (in general, that is)
} 5. Bicycles don't play fetch.
} 6. Bicycles don't have red hair.
} 7. Bicycles aren't slimy and disgusting.
} 8. You can't soak meat or vegetables in a bicycle overnight and make
}    it taste better.
} 9. You can't eat bicycle.
} 10. Bicycles are legal and moral and not sexually deviant.
} 11. Bicycles can't fly.
} 12. It's very uncomfortable sleeping with your head on a bicycle.
}
} OHFPM.


124-08    (23461 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what are the long term effects of twinkie consumption?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The effects are very good indeed.  As you probably know, the average
} North American eats approximately 100 Twinkies(TM) each year -- that's
} about 25 billion of them altogether.  Let's review the consequences:
}
} As you probably know, the Hostess Twinkie originated in the 1930s.
} Almost immediately, the depression ended, and America got back to work.
} Ten years later, it was the Twinkie that gave the U.S.  the strength to
} win World War II.  (Britain, which was still Twinkie-less in those days,
} would have lost without our help.) Next came the glorious fifties, and
} Twinkies were there, helping to give rock 'n' roll its distinctive
} sound.
}
} In the sixties and seventies, Twinkie consumption dropped dramatically,
} which resulted in the Vietnam War debacle, and, later, Watergate.  The
} one bright area was the growth of computing, thanks to Twinkie-laden
} hackers.
}
} In the eighties, Twinkies became more popular than ever among yuppies
} and highly-leveraged stockbrokers, and our economy has never been
} better.  Who knows what the nineties will bring?  But one thing's for
} sure -- if anything good happens, you know there'll have been a Twinkie
} involved somewhere.


124-09    (23443 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is truth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Truth is "validity in all models." This, unfortunately, includes model
} railroads.  Almost nothing is valid in a model railroad, so almost
} nothing is true.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new HH engine.


124-10    (01384 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alright look.  Do you have any idea how many times I have been asked
} that question?  Do you, foolish mortal though you may be, even begin to
} comprehend how annoying it is to have to continue to come up with
} original answers to that question?  I really don't think you deserve an
} answer, but I will at least help you find one.  I have included a short
} bibliography of some of the better literature on the subject.  Look it
} up yourself.  You think your parents put you through college just so you
} could ask dumb questions?  Wrong!
}
}                                 Chucking Bibliography
}
} Finklestein, Ernest "Chucking and Wood:  A Scholarly Approach"
} (Minneapolis:  Icy Winter Press, 1978).
}
} Schmidlapp, Marvin "The Woodchuck in Western Society:  1676-1980"
} (London:  Oxford Animal Press, 1983).
}
} Warringtoning, Edna "The Role of Feminism in Woodchuck Determination and
} Development:  The Comprehensive Picture" (New Dehli:  Holy Cow & Co.
} 1967).
}
} All of these books can most likely be found in the library of your
} nearest scholarly institute.  Maybe this'll teach you to ask dumb
} questions of the omnipotent oracle.
}
} You owe the oracle a 15-20 page term paper comparing the above three
} sources.


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