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Internet Oracularities #1240

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Internet Oracularities #1240    (52 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2001 14:06:06 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1240
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1240  52 votes 38s85 3dhf4 109hp 58lf3 4ki91 78ja8 a9l84 25hia 5afh5 24pe7
1240  3.2 mean  3.1   3.1   4.2   3.1   2.7   3.1   2.8   3.6   3.1   3.4


1240-01    (38s85 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Abtruse and upsetting Oracle, I never understand even the most simple
> things you say.  Is this because I'm a supplicant, or just an idiot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, agelastic supplicant, it could be because of your anserine
} behavior.  Or maybe your sanguine, seersucker clothing.  Ditch the
} liripipe, for crying out loud!  It does nothing to enhance your izzat,
} nor your pulchritude.  Now lest you slip into omphaloskepsis or accuse
} me of committing nothosonomia, understand that my subderisorious
} jocoseriousity seeks to help you avoid becoming an opsimath.
}
} You owe the Oracle some self-contumelious groveling, an osculation,
} and a glossary.


1240-02    (3dhf4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The Tailor of Indiana
>  A Novel
>  By Orrie Le Carre

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Chapter One
}
}       I knew the second that dame walked into my office
} she'd be trouble.  French perfume, a long black cigarette
} holder and even longer legs.  Trouble.
}       Right here.  In River City.
}       She sat down, blew secondhand smoke in my face,
} and opened her purse.
}       "I hear you're a man people come to when they
} have...problems.  Is that right?"  Her voice was low and
} husky and made all kinds of dark promises.  A wad of bills
} appeared on my blotter and her purse shut with an audible
} 'snick'.
}       A nice, thick wad that could keep me in bourbon
} and buttonholes for a year, if I stretched it right.
}       "Depends on who you've been talking to, sister.  What
} kind of problem?"  I raked her with my eyes, from Italian
} leather pump to her mink stole.  She sure made it easy work.
}       "I need a tailor."
}       She stood and paced over to look out my window, down
} at the thieves and pimps, down at the crusty underside of
} the city.
}       "A classy dame like you could hire a hundred tailors
} for that much dough.  What's the catch?"
}       She stopped just a handsbreadth away from me, glanced
} down at the money on the desk.  Then back at me, her eyes
} seconding all the dark promises her voice had started.
}       "Band uniforms," she said, just as our lips met.
} I knew I was lost.  She had me in her spell.
}       I would sew them.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a stiff shot and 500 yds of gold
} braided trim.


1240-03    (109hp dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sex is what happens when a man and a woman...hmm, no, that's not
} quite it. Sex is what happens when two (or more) people get together
} and...do stuff. You know, nookie? No? Lovemaking? No? Ok, you must
} know about the birds and the bees? No? *sigh* I thought not.
}
} Ok, the bird comes along and sticks its beak into the..hmm, no
} that's not quite it. The bee comes along and sticks its...well,
} you see, it's like inserting tab A into slot B. Only you do it a lot
} of times and the result can be more boxes if you're not careful, or
} worse yet, tab A gets something from slot B and falls off. Or slot B
} gets something from tab A and then you have to smear goopy cream all
} over slot B, during which time inserting tab A into slot B is just
} not going to happen, what kind of slot do you think B is anyways?
} Meanwhile, tab A is busily being inserted into slot C or D, without
} even so much as a phone call the day after. And tab M just looks on
} just wishing it could be tab A, because nice tabs never get any slots.
} And then there's tab F who actually likes tab R, but isn't sure if tab
} R folds that way. Slot C eventually finds out about slot D and they
} all find out about slot B, who in turn finds out about slot C and D
} and in a vengeful plot, tears tab A from its box in a fit of passion.
} Slot C ends up meeting tab M, and it turns out tab M fits perfectly
} into slot C--no jostling or forceful cramming at all. Tab and slot
} C are joined forever by tab K, who has sworn not to insert itself
} into anything and a few months later, there are new tabs and slots
} and everyone, except for A, is happy.
}
} And that, my son, is how corrugated cardboard boxes are made.


1240-04    (58lf3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows the source code for Windows XP and the
> number of Kookaburras in Spain, I ask thee this:
> Because of the recession, the thought occurred to me to save on my
> grocery bills by cooking the roadkill I find on the highway in front of
> my house. Do you have any recipes or cooking tips for opposum, skunk,
> squirrel, raccoon, etc? Any help would be appreciated!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gadzooks!
}
} Youngsters now a days! One little economic downturn and they
} think they have to turn into modern day wingless carrion fowl
} to survive!
}
} Sonny, your great-grandparents weathered the Great Depression &
} WW II without eating carcasses off the dirt roads of America!
} They toiled hard and long in victory gardens and hunted for
} venison! And they were happy to do it too, by gum!
}
} And your grandparents dealt with the doldrums of the 1950's
} bravely downing TV dinners off of wobbly impossibly thin trays
} before = Black & White = televisions with only three channels!
} And did they even think of eating varmints? No, they watched
} "The Beaver" with smiles on their faces, not waiting around like
} ghouls besides highways and turnpikes waiting for his rodent
} relatives to get sent to the great beyond by drunken motorists.
}
} And your so briefly married parents, they had to endure Disco!
} And Jerry Ford! And the horror of the Mayaguez incident! And did
} they deal with this by waiting on the edges of interstates for
} critters to be squished by eighteen wheelers? No! They just
} downed a handful of valium and wished their lives had some
} meaning.
}
} And now you! You've lost your 75k a year job making web pages
} and are all set to suck the smelly raw marrow out of a fetid
} flattened skunk's femur! Tough up man! Get a grip on yourself.
} You should be ashamed. Get out there and wave a flag or wear a
} crystal on your forehead or something.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for acne.


1240-05    (4ki91 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I want your knowledge
> then I need to grovel
> Oracle has told me so!
>
> If I really have to
> then I better do so
> Come on Orrie, help me grow!
>
> I've heard persistent rumors that Rod Stewart and Kim Carnes are the
> same person. They have the same voice, the same hair, and are never
> seen together. Are the rumors true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} No, the rumours are quite untrue. Rod Stewart and Kim Carnes are in
} fact twins who were gestated completely in test tubes full of lime
} J-ello. Kim's embryo was frozen away for a few years while they tried
} the new "test-tube" baby rearing with Rod, but with Rod's unprecedented
} successful music career, scientists thawed Kim out in the hopes of the
} two siblings coming together to form a music group whose talent would
} rival the Beatles. However, quite early on in their relationship, it
} was clear that Rod did not get along with his twin, accusing her of
} being "genetic backwash". Kim was not completely innocent either
} though, and always harboured a deep-seated resentment of Rod never
} returning her hair dryer. The two had a falling out very early in an
} incident involving a paper plane, Mrs. Scott's black poodle, the TV
} repain man, a strip of copper and the little pull tab thingy that makes
} things pop-up in pop-up books. They have never spoken since, much less
} visited one another, which is why you, dear supplicant, have made the
} very elementary mistake of assuming they were one and the same.


1240-06    (78ja8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm just starting to learn computer programming.  I want to be a
> softwear developooper.  How do I do that?
>
> Oh, I need to grovel, too, but I'm too stupid today.  You're
> so smart that you can pretend I did, I'm sure.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've got what it takes to work at Micro$oft, it oozes right
} out of every pore of your letter. Contact them. Just leave the
} Oracle's name out of it, will ya?


1240-07    (a9l84 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most rocking Oracle, who does the unskinny bop all night and day,
> who not for a minute accepted Van Hagar, who feeds the world and lets
> them know it's Christmas time, yea, who GOES TO ELEVEN:
>
> If VH1 is "Music First", what is VH2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is the nether world where Disco lives, it is the second rung of
} hell.
}
} you owe the Oracle an 8-track player


1240-08    (25hia dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one, who might even know the answer to this question,
>
> Three girls all say the other likes me. I've received emails and seen
> hints as proof of all, but I just can't tell who the one who really
> likes me is. I'd like to know, because I intend to have a LOTR date,
> and it would be nice to go with someone who likes me, too...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget likes!
}
} If she's going to the first "Lord of the Rings" film you need to
} find out if she knows the insider scoops about the film!
}
} Give each gal this quick and easy five question quiz!
} ===============================================================
}
} 1) Why was Arwen substituted for Glorfindel at The Fords?
}
}    a) Liv Tyler looks hotter than Andy Rooney who was slated to play
}       Glorfindel.
}    b) If Glorfindel was there everyone watching the film would
}       be puzzled why a proven balrog killer like Glorfindel was
}       left behind, while a fool of a Took became one of The Walkers.
}    c) If Arwen wasn't introduced in first film in a memorial way
}       everyone would forget about her by the time part 3 was
}       released and the big wedding occurs.
}    d) Letterman said kinky horse and stream jokes worked better
}       with Liv TYler than anyone else.
}
} 2) Now that tragic events of 9/11 have forced the director to
}    rename the second part to something less sensitive than "The
}    Two Towers" what will the 2nd installment be called?
}
}   a) LotR II
}   b) A Pair of Ancient Structures from which One can See
}      Faraway
}   c) Director Jackson has no intention of changing the
}      second part's name
}   d) Arwen and the Warrior Sex Goddess' Main Assets
}
} 3) Which of the following never filmed episodes should have
}    been included in the film and why?
}
}   a) The Barrow-wights, since that's where Merry's blade came
}      from, the single most important weapon of The Third Age
}   b) The entire real-time Entmoot, since then we could determine
}      if the Ents understood how they were living out Tolkien's
}      retelling of a scene from "MacBeth".
}   c) The Steamy Tubs of Buckland, since then we could clear up
}      how Fatty Bolger got his name
}   d) Tom Bombadil, since for once and all everyone could realize
}      how little importance this meaningless rag doll of a silly
}      character is
}
} 4) Why was the "Fool of a Took" scene moved to the Hall of Records?
}
}   a) To speed up the film, which by then was already 2 hours and 40
}      minutes long
}   b) Dwarf Union rules mandated that each room have at least -two-
}      memorable lines uttered in them by Gimli
}   c) Falling skeletons look way cooler than dropped rocks
}   d) The Freudian implications of the Trip through Moria are
}      more easily grasped this way
}
} 5) Why are such great lengths gone to in the film to show that Orcs
}    come out of larval eggs when Tolkien never even implied as much?
}
}   a) Del Taco breakfast burrito tie-in
}   b) Director Jackson had to use up over 700 gallons of very
}      expensive left-over green goo from "The Goonies"
}   c) Politically correct lawyers advised them that if the Orcs
}      are portrayed as an evil race and not as animal like things
}      they'd get their chain mailed sued off them in the USA
}   d) At one time there was a plan to give Orcs butterfly wings
}      as a nod to the flying monkeys in the "Wizard of Oz"
} ===============================================================
}
} The correct answer to each question is 'c', the third answer.
} Take the girl that answers 'c' the -fewest- times to the
} film. Then you can impress and amaze her by whispering the
} correct bits of info in her young ear at appropriate times.
}
} You owe the Oracle two outrageously priced bags of popcorn.


1240-09    (5afh5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, one who knows all and is an IT wizard...
>
> How the hell am I going to get a job in this market? Houston has \
> become a piece of crap job market in the last month, and my \
> previous airline job is now gone. Should I try to move?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IT guru and using autoline wrap instead of the <enter> key...
} <sigh>. Well, combine your IT skills with your airport skills and...
}
} [ Scene: The metal detector at a minor airport in Texas. A very
}   long line of people wait as our supplicant is walking a very
}   befuddled, very blonde well fed lady through the detector. ]
}
} Supp: Now this /dev here will grep you for metal.
}
} Lady: Erm, okay. I { whispering } I'm wearing an underwire
}       bra, will that cause it to beep?
}
} Supp: Like a newbie's terminal as he tries to change mode
}       in vi. You're going to have to rm it, maybe even to
}       /dev/null.
}
} Lady: ?
}
} Supp: Nice string of Glorias there. Hee, hee, a little joke
}       did you know perl came that close to being called
}       Gloria? The bra ma'am.
}
} Lady: Where should I go to take it off?
}
} Supp: Have some drugs in there you don't want "ls -altr"ed
}       right here? Look lady, were all just read only here
}       as far as your cowjuice ports. No one's going to get
}       raster burns over them. Did you RTFM before you got
}       here? We're in a corewar that makes Angband look like
}       "a large freely distributed Dungeons-and-Dragons-like
}       simulation games, available for a wide range of
}       machines and operating systems". And that's a direct
}       quote.
}
} Lady: Oh. My homeland feels more secure already, if you
}       know what I mean.
}
} Supp: ~?


1240-10    (24pe7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not trying to hack your network, I'm just trying to gain all the
> file sharing privileges from a remote computer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's OK.  I'm not trying to Zot you.  I'm just conducting an
} experiment to see if energetic people are happier by applying 1.21
} gigwatts of power to your head.
}
} You owe the Oracle your feelings on that, and remember this is for
} posterity so be honest.


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