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Internet Oracularities #1243

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Internet Oracularities #1243    (47 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 09 Jan 2002 14:05:25 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1243
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1243  47 votes 47ld2 4hdb2 4deb5 3fcd4 45kb7 07hbc 2dgc4 3cfd4 ah767 3bdc8
1243  3.1 mean  3.0   2.8   3.0   3.0   3.3   3.6   3.1   3.1   2.6   3.2


1243-01    (47ld2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I am not worthy of your Answers, only say the word and I
> shall be healed. Oh Oracle, your time is more precious than gold, and
> your knowledge broader than the seas.
>
> Is it not true that the real reason that the native Americans were so
> kind to the pilgrims in the Plymouth colony was that the tribe had been
> decimated by smallpox contracted from visiting european fisherman, and
> that the tribe was under military threat from the Wampanoags to the
> west? Is it not true that they views the pilgrims, or more accurately
> the pilgrims' long arms, as a sort of salvation from the Wampanoag
> threat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock (which they spelled Plimouth)
} on November 21, 1620, but the great smallpox epidemic wasn't until
} 1775, so that wasn't it.
}
} The Pilgrims *were* a primitive people, but their arms weren't so long
} that their knuckles dragged knuckles on the ground, so that wasn't it.
}
} The name "Wampanoag" means "Eastern people," and I don't know how
} they could be afraid of Wampanoags to the West, so that wasn't it.
}
} So why, then, would the native Americans on the beach welcome the
} Pilgrims?  Manhattan.  Yes, dear supplicant, the native Americans
} owned Manhattan which they recognized as a useless island in the
} middle of the river.  They knew its only potential was to become an
} overcrowded cesspool of humanity, rife with crime and smelling of
} urine, fit only for Democrats.  They knew that one day, a fourth year
} baseball team from out in the "Stinking Desert" (as they called it)
} would defeat the team of aura, destiny and mystique with one out in
} the bottom of the ninth inning.  Being from Massachusetts, they knew
} tomatoes ruin clam chowder.
}
} They dumped Manhattan on the unsuspecting Pilgrims for the outrageously
} high price of $24 in shiny beads, then, as soon as they were out of
} earshot, held a party that still makes the Times Square New Year's
} celebration pale in comparison.
}
} The native Americans' only regret was that the Pilgrims left Manhattan
} where it was, instead of taking it back with them to England.
}
} So the answer to both of your questions is "yes, it is not true."
}
} You owe the Oracle something to stuff this turkey with.  Oh, wait,
} never mind.  It's not empty.  How about a couple of tickets to the
} Diamondbacks home opener next season instead?


1243-02    (4hdb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Internet Oracle (TM), whose intelligence is as intelligence does,
> Did you have a Merry Christmas?  I ask because, as I can see from
> Internet Oracularities #1242, nobody wished you a Merry Christmas.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This might come as a shock, but I don't observe Christmas.  Aside from
} the fact that I already *know* what people are going to give me for a
} gift, it seems kind of, well, uncomfortable to be celebrating Chris's
} birthday in December when he was born in the spring.
}
} Thanks for the sentiment, though.  I hope you saw a good movie on Dec
} 17th, Dionysus Zakynthos's day, and a warm bonfire during Yule, and a
} good sing-along for Solstice, and a bright Hanukkah.
}
} Oh, and a happy New Year, both solar (Julian and Gregorian) and lunar,
} and I hope you had a Happy New Year on both Equinoxes too.


1243-03    (4deb5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Send me an answer, dammit!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, sheesh. Settle down.
}
} Let's see, hmm, oh! Here's a long one. Hope you like it!
}
}    ---------------------------------------------
}
} Yes, you do get different sorts of answers from different
} parts of the globe, here's some samples:
}
} == Europe/UK ===========================================================
}
} The Continent:
}
} Russia:      Weird and continuous variations on Yeltsin/vodka/Mafia
}              jokes.
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1038-09 ]
}
} Scandinavia: Burzum references, Odin 'jokes', Microsoft bashing
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=970-01 ]
}
} The UK:      Spelling/Grammar flames, Monty Python, jokes about
}              royalty, high level literature references
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=959-09 ]
}
} == North America =======================================================
}
} East Coast:  Snotty Canadians that blast everything from the US
}              on reflex OR snotty Eastern Seaboard Americans that
}              reflexively bash anything in a hope to seem ironically
}              bored, just like Dave Letterman.
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=835-02 ]
}
} Mid USA:     Television loving & slapstick jokes galore-land
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1060-03 ]
}
} Western US:  Drug jokes, weird literary references, Politically
}              correct gibberish
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=759-06 ]
}
} == Pacifica ============================================================
}
} Hawaii:      The one joke ever sent in from Hawaii got a 3.1 score,hmmm
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1007-05 ]
}
} New Zealand: Severely proper and polite replies, often spelled
}              correctly, though with a marked love of off color sheep
}              jokes.
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1100-07 ]
}
} Australia:   DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson!! This is the sinkhole of
}              good questions. Two seconds spend on a reply from here
}              is the norm. Some think we'd be bettered off routing
}              around Australia. Mentioning beer will get you an answer
}              that is more that ten words long however.
}              Example:
}              [ http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/oracul.cgi?N=1095-01 ]
}
} ========================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle a whole bunch of clocks.


1243-04    (3fcd4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know everything.  God knows, you know everything!  In fact,
> you and God both know everything.  So you know God's plan for me,
> which I certainly don't.  I've tried asking Him, and get no
> response.  But every time I ask you a question, I get a reply.
>
> What is God's plan for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, God recently privatised the planning department. A few minor
} deities remarked to him on the great potential for diversity and that
} it might be an idea to franchise out the areas of planning and
} development and bring some new blood into the almighty organisation.
} Apparently God's been observing the recent restructuring operation in
} the rapidly expanding HellCorp(tm) with some scrutiny, and is keen to
} ensure he remains abreast of their close competitors at all times.
}
} Planning and development is currently outsourced to Omnipotence plc, a
} multi-deity consortium currently under the administrative control of a
} panel of experienced business-oriented individuals. And, supplicant,
} it's your lucky day, because it just so happens that yours truly is on
} that panel.
}
} We're undergoing a huge change in the way we operate. Subject to the
} approval of the investors, we will be making significant changes in the
} way in which the method of planning is executed. It's a very exciting
} time for all concerned, and you, supplicant, will be pleased to hear
} that you are as centrally involved this new operation as everyone else
} is.
}
} The old methods of planning were cumbersome and inefficient, and
} required a lot of funding and staffing in order to operate. An
} individual, bespoke plan had to be produced for each new individual
} upon his or her inception. Since there's at least one baby born every
} minute, or thereabouts, this means that to provide a workable plan for
} that individual (which, to be fair, takes even a minor deity about half
} an hour, mainly due to bureaucratic necessities involved in filing the
} final plan) needs a staff of at least 500 working continuously. In your
} case alone, I can tell you the plan as it stands for you at the moment
} spans four pages, and it reads about as plainly as War and Peace. It
} turns out we had a trainee deity working on yours at the time of your
} birth, and you were born late in his shift and he wasn't really that
} awake.
}
} What we're going to do in a dramatic change to the system (and we have
} a crack team of the best management deities at work as we speak on
} this) is instead of producing many billions of bespoke plans
} continuously, is to produce a set of 3 general plans as follows:-
}
} PLAN ONE: Significantly change the world. Improve the areas of
} scientific study or bring a new sense of order to an otherwise
} disorderly area. Die as a hero at an appropriate time.
}
} PLAN TWO: Don't change the world in any specific sense, but meet the
} girl/boy of your dreams and find true happiness, and allow the plan one
} designates to get on with it.
}
} Unfortunately, I'm not at this time permitted to reveal the details of
} plan three. It's extremely complicated and involves complex uses of
} business ethics and monopolisation, and really couldn't be justifiably
} discussed with a member of the plan deployment population such as
} yourself. The only consolation I can offer is that you are *definitely*
} not earmarked for plan one or three.
}
} Yes, that's right, you can sit back in your job, relax and forget about
} researching that new political theory you were contemplating the other
} day. It's not necessary, and you won't discover much anyway. You should
} get out more and try and encourage plan two to kick in. Once you get it
} rolling, you won't be wasting time worrying about the plan at all,
} you'll be able to forget about it and let it work for you, as we here
} at Omnipotence plc intended. We've designed these three plans to cover
} the entire population, and significantly reduce the workload on the
} existing staff in planning and development, meaning they can work more
} on development. And there are some exciting things going on there,
} trust me. They're working on sequels to most of the major religious
} works. I hear they're going to try and go for trilogies, taking
} inspiration from Tolkien. I can't see it working myself, but they
} assure me it's a marketable idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle a break. And give God one, too. Sometimes it's just
} best to let us get on with it without interrupting all the time.


1243-05    (45kb7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, you think counter-clockwise,
> You know things that no mortal can know,
> Before you I shiver and bow!
> Answer me just this little question,
> With a wise and well thought-out suggestion:
>
> I am alone on Christmas' day,
> From all my friends so far away,
> But 2 of them I met online,
> They both, they sayd: "Come by!
> To cuddle and to drink some wine.",
> And so I asked them "Well, may I?".
>
> But now I got this little problem here:
> It's cold outside, and snowing far and near!
> The one is 200km away, the other further,
> And if I don't come, I'll either hurt her,
> Or the other.
> And yes, I bother!
>
> Is there a right thing to do or is there none?
> Shall I drive in this weather, or shall I stay home?
> Shall I drive to the second maiden or the first,
> What's best for me and what is worst?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before you travel out into that cold and driving snow,
} The Oracle thinks there are two things you ought to know:
} The first of these fine maidens that you found upon the Net
} Is not the girl she seems to be. Her real name is Brett.
}
} He's a telephone repair man from backwoods Tennessee,
} His one good eye is bloodshot, his fingers number three,
} His weight is his IQ multiplied by twenty-six,
} And he likes to surf the chat rooms impersonatin' chicks
}
} As for the other lassie, she has a secret too,
} One thing's for sure, she's not a guy, it's true.
} Although she seems as sweet as a bowl of maraschinos
} I tracerouted her IP. Dude, it's Janet Reno.
}
} My advice for you, my son, this cold and windy night:
} Just stay at home and keep those chat-room "ladies" out of sight
} Read a book, drink buttered rum, stay curled up in bed,
} It's best this way, believe me, to stay at home instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of that hot buttered rum.


1243-06    (07hbc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Where is the Gingerbread man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You too? Man, I feel your pain. They always tell you
} they'll meet you between 1-5pm, and then they don't
} show up, as if you have nothing better to do than sit
} down and wait for them all day!
}
} For two weeks, I've been trying to get him out here to
} replace my marzipan fence, and every day it's always
} "sorry, I got stuck on another job," or "I had a
} gumdrop shipment arrive late today," or "your
} marshmallows finally came in... what? Oh, MARZIPAN?
} Oh, no... I'll have to special order that." It took
} forever just to get an estimate from this bozo!
}
} And their subcontractors are no better. A couple of
} years ago, we wanted to update the family room.
} Nothing fancy- just some licorice wainscotting and a
} couple coats of royal icing on the walls. It took us
} over a month to find a guy to take the job, and by the
} time he was done, it was a disaster! The licorice was
} off-center, and he only put on one coat of icing when
} we specifically requested two.
}
} Sure enough, when we withheld payment, he threatened
} to put a lien on the house. I was already up to my
} eyeballs on the mortgage, and do you know how much it
} costs to hire an attorney who specializes in
} baked-good properties? It ain't cheap, buddy.
} Ultimately, we relented and just paid him to go away.
}
} I recommend that before you do something you'll regret
} for the rest of your life, cancel your appointment
} with this moron, and go find yourself a nice
} gingerbread condo. The prices are more reasonable, and
} one monthly fee covers everything; why mow your own
} Jujubee lawn, when you can hire someone to do it for
} you?
}
} You owe the Oracle: prime acreage in Candyland.


1243-07    (2dgc4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is opera always in Italian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were you referring specifically to Mozart's Zauberfloete?  Or perhaps
} les Indes Galantes by Jean-Philippe Rameau?
}
} Oh, sorry, my ability to understand anything in any language has
} allowed me to translate those operas accidentally into Italian, in my
} mind.  In fact, my brain is right now running on excessively high
} pressure as I run a dual performance of those two operas
} simultaneously, in Italian, inside my own head, each one playing in its
} own hemisphere.
}
} O cantare si bello!  Questa bella canta!
}
} Not' e giorno faticar, per che nulla sa gradir...
}
} Oops, the high pressure has me singing to you in Italian.  There's
} something about that language that inspires the voice.  Perhaps it's
} that while in Italian you might hold a tone, "O..............." for
} five or ten seconds, the attempt to do the same in German could give
} you "Ach................" and the reulting spray of spit over your
} listeners might not be conducive to good reviews.
}
} You owe the Oracle an operatic voice half as good as Jussi Bjoerling,
} or three sixty-fourths as good as Enrico Caruso.


1243-08    (3cfd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Would you like some of my lovley Christmas cake? Last peice, and I
>  saved it for you...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why yes! Thanks. The door in the garage keeps blowing closed and I
} need a doorstop about that size. Thanks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of tongs.


1243-09    (ah767 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Askme! Askme! Oh, yeah, baby! Askme again! Tellme! Mmmmmmmm, tellme!
> TELLME! Make me grovel like the lowly supplicant that I am!
>
> Wow, that was amazing. Nobody gives good advice like you do. So,
> what do I owe you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same that he's owing.


1243-10    (3bdc8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most rational Oracle, your clear thinking and practical knowledge
> are renown across the surface of the World, which makes you a big
> star.
>
> Did USENET used to serve a useful purpose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your Oracle weeps profusely in response to your ignorance.
}
} Here's an example of the *most* important (past, present, or future)
} purpose of USENET:
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > am i more like i am now than when i first walked in?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } [Dr. Oracle gets a whispered warning as he approaches the
} } "treatment room."]
} }
} } "Be careful, Dr. Oracle.  This one may be dangerous."
} }
} } "I'm not worried.  If you had seen some of the supplicants I have
} } prognosticated for, you'd know that this one is tame by comparison."
} }
} } [The door opens revealing a woman with short greasy dark blond hair.
} } She holds a spoon in her mouth with which she has been typing on an
} } old Smith-Corona manual typewriter.   Her hands are tied behind her
} } in a dirty canvas straight jacket and her flowered dress is wrinkled
} } and torn.  Her feet are bare.]
} }
} } [She runs to the corner where she sits on the cement floor with her
} } head between her knees as Dr. Oracle walks to the typewriter and
} } pulls the paper from it.  From the sheet he reads the single line
} } that she has typed:]
} }
} }       am i more like i am now than when i first walked in?
} }
} } [Dr. Oracle carefully examines the shift key on the typewriter, then
} } the shift lock key and finds both to be completely non-functional.
} } He then walks slowly to the corner where the woman is still hiding.
} } He finally speaks:]
} }
} } "Nice try, but you can't fool the Oracle.  I might have fallen for
} } your ruse if you had grovelled a bit first.  Any mortal knows better
} } than to question the Oracle without sufficient grovelling first.  But
} } the clear giveaway was [trumpets blare triumphantly in the
} } background] THE QUESTION MARK!  Since 1827, when Mr. Smith first laid
} } out this God-awful keyboard, before he even had met Mr. Corona, the
} } question mark has been a shifted character.  Now get out of here."
} }
} } [The woman stands, begins to shimmer, then, with an almost blinding
} } intensity of light emanating from where she stood, she disappears.
} } The light returns to normal and Dr. Oracle leaves, muttering:]
} }
} } "Walked in.  Ha.  Slipped in through a rift in the space-time
} } continuum is more like it.  I guess I showed her.  Ha."
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a blackboard with "YOU CAN'T FOOL THE ORACLE"
} } written on it 100 times.
}
} What's so special about this particular interaction?  It happens to be
} this incarnation's first published Oracularity, that's what.  369-07,
} circa 8 Nov 91.  Not my personal favorite, but it did get 3.8 in the
} voting.  Remember, you're talking to an Oracle whose name used to be
} the USENET Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.  And I'm still waiting for the
} blackboard.


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