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Internet Oracularities #1245

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Internet Oracularities #1245    (53 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 10:41:51 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1245
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1245  53 votes 4ejd3 3er63 3chc9 9gec2 2glb3 39eha 11cof 23cnd 22cij 9eh94
1245  3.2 mean  2.9   2.8   3.2   2.7   2.9   3.4   4.0   3.8   3.9   2.7


1245-01    (4ejd3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do human toe nails grow? It's not like there's some
> evolutionary advantage to them doing so... is there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The human body works somewhat like a biological computer.
} Unfortunately, it is some especially crappy kind of computer,
} comparable to a Java Virtual Machine.  Every so often, the garbage
} collection won't work correctly, resulting in a memory leak.
}
} Back in the olden days, when men were allowed to hunt politicians and
} mankind was happy, the Virtual Machine was still somewhat stable, and
} the leaked memory was simply integrated into your toenails, allowing
} you to easily discard it.
}
} Nowadays, as the old Bodily Function APIs are deprecated and your brain
} is forced to use the big, bloated BodySwing API instead, more memory is
} leaked.  This resulted in the need to get the leaked memory away in a
} faster way, thus, certain other bodily functions are now the primary
} means of discarding memory leaks -- this lead to the well-known phrase
} "to take a leak".
}
} Now, don't tell me you humans didn't know that?


1245-02    (3er63 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most prudent, learned and erudite, your words exalt
> each joy, allay each grief, squeeze and pop each diseased
> zit, and soften every pain that is modern life; and hence
> the wise of ancient days adored you, and so do we modern
> little ant-like neo-humans that we be!
>
> Who else lives in a volcano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hephaistos,
}
} you know, I think your choice of a place to live was just a little
} bit unlucky.
}
} I know, you're an engineer and you don't like it if you have far to
} travel to work, but I mean - your wife is Aphrodite, the Godess of
} Love, she has to feel attractive, and there's only so much that
} perfume can do against the smell of all that burning sulphur.
} Also, air conditioning wouldn't have hurt.
}
} You can't really blame here for coming to the Olymp every chance
} she got (it is nice up here, you know), and as far as falling for
} Ares once, well you know how godesses are (or at least I know. You
} know, Lisa once... but I digress).
}
} You owe the Oracle a good barbecue, but plese hold the sulphur.


1245-03    (3chc9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle de mon coeur, je voudrais vous poser un question en francais.
> But there's this problem: I don't speak French.  I just sort of make
> it up as I go along, hoping it's not too broken.  Anyway, you probably
> wouldn't admit to understanding French even if you did.
>
> So instead let's just sort of pretend I did.  If I had succeeded in
> writing a question in French, what would have been your erudite answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, if you want to pretend you're French you have to learn
} to think French.
}
} First you need to project Frenchness, especially during moments
} requiring tact. For example:
}
} When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
} American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
} his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
} with Madame deGaulle.
}
} "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
} presence on the French and International scene for so many
} years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are
} you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
}
} "Ma Cherie, all I zwant iz a penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
}
} A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...
} and no one knew what to say next.
}
} Charles deGaulle puts down his wine glass for the first time all
} evening, leans over to his wife and says, "Turtledove, I believe
} zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."
} --------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Also you must learn to deal with others in "Ze Grande Manner
} Ze France Perzons", for example:
}
} A French couple is traveling in Northern Scotland. It is a
} typical Scottish day, bone freezing cold and wet. Their
} silly little French car breaks down in front of a stone hut.
} The French couple go and bang on the thick plank that serves
} as the hut's door. A gruff Scotsman in a filthy kilt opens
} the door, "And what you be awantin' on this fine day?" The
} couple asks for shelter from the cold. The Scotsman ushers them
} in, he even heats up some milk for them in a small bowl. "Ack,
} `ere, drink this if you will." The couple take turns sipping
} the hot liquid, when done they thank him. "Ack," says the Scot,
} "It be nothin', was milk from me sick cow. I won't want my cats
} to get their paws on that diseased filth." The French woman
} faints, the man drops the bowl to the ground where it shatters
} into a hundred shards. "Now be a lookin' at what you've done,
} you've gone and broken me only chamber pot!"
} ---------------------------------------------------------------
}
} And to truly understand the French you must appreciate their
} part in world history. Consider this quick trio of insights:
}
} Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen
}    in France?
} A: Linoleum blownapart
}
} Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
} A: The quiche of death.
}
} Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
} A; So the Germans could march in the shade.
} ----------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Okay let's see what you've learned. If the below makes you
} laugh you are ready to be French, if not, oh well:
}
} Dans une rue de la capitale,une superbe blonde,tres court vetue,
} decouvre largement ses cuisses tandis qu'elle penetre dans un
} autobus. Une passante  indignee dit a son mari: -Tu ne trouves
} pas cela honteux,cette facon qu'ont les hommes de regarder le
} derriere de cette fille qui monte dans le bus? Le mari: Quel bus?
} -----------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle an avocado and a French lawyer.


1245-04    (9gec2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa, you know very well that I know anything I want to know,
} including what my SO has been up to.  It's part of my job
} description as director of the NSA.
}
} You owe the Oracle a key escrow system that works.


1245-05    (2glb3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I've been trying to read some press releases put
> out by marketing professionals.  It seems they're speaking a different
> language.  The words sound just like English, but the meanings are
> strangely altered.  For instance, they use "loyalty" to mean keeping a
> huge database listing everything you've ever bought from them.  And
> "creative" seems to be a noun - I still haven't figured that one out.
> Could you please explain this marketing jargon in a way that ordinary
> folks can understand?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is even more complicated than you think.  Not only is Marketingo
} a separate language from English, but there's a whole family of
} marketing languages, each related in syntax to its mother language,
} but with differing semantics.  Its German equivalent, for example,
} is a language called "Werbokroatisch".
}
} The first one to catch on was George Orwell, in his novel "1984",
} when he described "Newpspeak".  Because he was afraid that people
} would try to sell him vacuum cleaners, he used a fictional state
} which turned the meanings of words on their heads ("War is Peace").
} He underestimated the power of marketing, because
}
} * We interrupt this program for some information from our sponsors *
}
} You owe the Oracle to run up and down your local street naked,
} chanting the slogan "Advertising is Information".


1245-06    (39eha dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, are  you still alive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to The Dead Oracle - answers for the dead, by the dead-,
} another quality subsidiary of The Internet Oracle(tm).
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,666-09 47akw 3.9
} Selected-By: O.D. Vial <noheart@icydeath.net>
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } Dead Oracle most Dead;
} }
} } My buddy and I died. Some dude was there in the afterworld
} } waiting room or something, he said that our spots in the
} } afterworld weren't ready yet and we had to go back to earth
} } for a while. My buddy said he wanted to go back to earth, but
} } as "a cool stud" this time. The dude laughed and POOF! my
} } buddy turned into a snow tire and then vanished. Wow! What
} } should I wish to go back as? I don't want to be a toilet seat
} } or a little man that plays the piano or something like that.
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,655-02 1admm 3.8
} Selected-By: "Marked" (branded@ouch.edu)
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } dead oracle,
} }
} } Help me! I'm in heaven! I saw them drilling holes in people's
} } backs to attach wings. the People were screaming in pain! It
} } was awful. And then the angels drilled holes in people's heads
} } to attach halos. The drills caused brain bits to fly out! It
} } was awful! I rather go to hell! I already got a hole where they
} } can attach a tail! How can I get transferred?
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,652-01 57gmu 3.8
} Selected-By: Al L. Smelly <phew@dontmindthestink.net>
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } dead oracle,
} }
} } Satan himself met when I died, which makes sense as
} } I was the world's richest man when I died. He showed
} } me two different hells I could go to. One was full of
} } hot naked chicks! The other was just a cold room with
} } a hologram showing a blue screen. He says I can pick one
} } to spend forever in. I suspect a trap, which should I
} } pick?
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,756-11 35fsm 3.8
} Selected-By: GreenHairedbabe (ghb@urethea.notwell.edeadtu)
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } I was a forest ranger when I was alive. I died saving a rare
} } tree and a truck full of orphans from a landslide. A lawyer was
} } there too, I let him die. I hate lawyers. Anyway the lawyer and I
} } showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greeted us
} } at the pearly gates and took us to the homes where dead folks
} } spend all of eternity. We got into St. Peter's holy vehicle, a
} } Ford Explorer by the way, and head on down a gold road, which
} } turned into a platinum road, which turned onto an even grander
} } road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion when St. Peter turned
} } to the lawyer and said, "Here Mr. Lawyer is your home for the
} } rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just
} } let me know." Then St. Peter dropped me off at a seedy hotel full
} } of rag pickers and lepers. What gives?
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,664-03 16hDh 3.8
} Selected-By: Harold The Corpse (corpse@ditchbythteroad.org)
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } I was like standing knee high in foul waste drinking coffee
} } for 9,000 years. It wasn't the worse hell I could imagine.
} } Then a big old demon with one eye and a Wake Forest University
} } tee-shirt showed up and said that the coffee break was over
} } and now we have to stand on our heads for TWO HUNDRED MILLION
} } YEARS! Is this legal? Aren't their laws down here?
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,669-13 28gxj 3.8
} Selected-By: Iam Deadvus <imdeadvus@daunderworld.com>
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } dead oracle,
} }
} } I am, well -was- when I was alive, I -was- a huge busted gal. When
} } I died I found myself at the gates of heaven with none other than
} } Princess Di! Did you know she's pregnant? Anyway as we reached the
} } Pearly Gates St. Peter advised us that there was only room for one
} } of us - How could this be?! He asked me what I was doing at the
} } time of her death. I told him "I was putting on my bra", He then
} } asked Princess Di what she had been doing. "I was flushing", she
} } replied, which I latter found out was a damn lie! Anyway Di got
} } into heaven and not me! What gives? I don't like it here in hell!
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Shut up, you're dead.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} 17,674-10 46his 3.8
} Selected-By: COFFINOPEN@aohell.com
}
} The dead Oracle has pondered your question six feet deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} } I buried 12 kilos of gold I stole from an armored car right
} } before I died. I'll give it to you if you get me moved to a
} } nicer section of the afterworld.
}
} And in response, thus intoned the dead Oracle:
}
} > Consider it done.
}
}  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-  -//-   -//-  -//-  -//-
}
} You owe the Oracle a snowball, a window, a Smokey the Bear hat,
} a basketball team, two pair and a royal flush. That's it.


1245-07    (11cof dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there some kind of "question mark" shortage going on

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They've been replaced by question Euros at the beginning of the year.


1245-08    (23cnd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Danish friend asked me a riddle.  She said, "If a German
> and a Swede were to fall from the 45th floor of a building,
> which one would hit the ground first?"
>
> Well, I was thinking about how the heavier one would fall faster,
> until I remembered that such was not the case.  Finally I gave
> up and asked her the answer.  "Who cares?" she said.
>
> What was supposed to be funny about that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Leapin' Lizards! You're in horrible danger of permanently losing
} your sense of humor!
}
} Quick take this test to see if you have any mirth detecting bones
} left in your body:
}
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #1:
}
} Q: What did one mirror say to the other?
} A: It's all done with people.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Mirrors
} b) People
} c) An ironic twist to an old saw, aimed at exposing both
}    the way one's point of view and ability to deal with
}    illusion is governed by positional relevance.
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #2:
}
} An old man and old woman are standing outside a very successful
} travel agency staring longingly at a sign about a trip to Paris.
} The owner of the shop sees them and feels sorry for them, he
} brings them in and explains to them he is going to give them the
} trip for free. A month or two later the shop owner sees the old
} woman walking by, he stops her and asks how she like the trip.
} She replies, "It was great, the museums, the cafes. And that man
} sure had fun too. Who was he anyway?"
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Paris
} b) Old people
} c) An object lesson on the fact that no good deed goes
}    unpunished, plus a naughty glint of the lurid undercurrent
}    of sexual tension that lies so close to the surface of
}    human relations
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #3:
}
} Betsy Sue had a horrible quarter at college, she flunked Spanish,
} she got a big dent in her car and she has a horrible breakup with
} her boyfriend. A month later she has a new boyfriend and in a fit
} of meanness she sends her old boyfriend a picture of her and the
} new guy in bed together. Her old boyfriend turns the photo over
} and writes on the back, "College is way fun, need more money" and
} mails it to her parents.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) College students
} b) Sex
} c) It's really less a joke than an urban legendish tale that
}    has the transgressor of a social norm punished in a like
}    manner that one grudgingly smiles at the audacity of
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #4:
}
} Some hunters drive up to a farmer's house. One of them gets out
} and goes and asks the farmer for permission to hunt on his
} land. The farmer says it's okay, but asks a favor. Out in the
} yard is his old dog Blue. "Blue needs to be put to sleep, he's
} in pain and blind and he's got the mange. I can't bring myself
} to shoot him though, could you do it for me?" The hunter agrees.
} As he leaves the building the hunter decides to play a trick
} on his friends. He get in the car and says, "That mean old guy
} won't let us hunt here. I'll show him." Then he takes his rifle
} and KABOOM! shots the dog. All the other hunters start firing,
} KABOOM! POW! BANG! BANG! KABOOM! They shout, "I got his cow!
} I got the rooster! I got his cat!"
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Hunters
} b) Ohmygawd! That isn't funny at all!
} c) The mindset of humans is altered when they are heavily armed
}    in a manner that allows the social veneer to be stripped off
}    far too easily leading to episodes of violence and mayhem
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
} #5:
}
} Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
} A: To get to the other side.
}
} This joke is about:
}
} a) Roads
} b) Chickens
} c) Absurdity at times is banal
} d) I don't get it.
}  ----------------------------------------------------------
}
} If you answered 'c' or 'd' to any of them you are humor impaired.
} Answers of 'a' just mean you're a tad slow, but trainable. The
} correct answer to each question is 'b'.
}
} You owe the Oracle a serious tome


1245-09    (22cij dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are online.
>
> LOOK
>
> You are using a PPP connection with DHCP.
>
> SHOW INVENTORY
>
> You have an FTP client, an EMAIL client, and a WEB browser.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE FTP
>
> You are now wielding an FTP client.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE WEB
>
> You are now wielding a WEB browser.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> USE EMAIL
>
> You are now wielding an EMAIL client.
>
> GET PORN
>
> Sorry, I can't do that.
>
> GET EMAIL
>
> Checking...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >Still Checking...
} >
} >One message found
} >
} >READ MESSAGE
} >
} >"Get your Porn Here!"
} >A URL falls out of the message.
} >
} >GET URL
} >
} >Ok.
} >
} >LOOK URL
} >
} >It's a porn URL.
} >
} >USE WEB
} >
} >You are now wielding a WEB Browser.
} >
} >LOAD URL
} >
} >Loading...
} >Loading...
} >Loading...
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >SHOW INVENTORY
} >
} >You have an FTP Client, an EMAIL client, a WEB Browser, and 42,623
} >Browser WINDOWS
} >
} >DROP WINDOW
} >
} >You drop the window.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >GET PORN
} >
} >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something.
} >
} >DROP FTP
} >
} >It hits the ground and shatters.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >GET PORN
} >
} >Your inventory is full. You'll have to drop something.
} >
} >DROP EMAIL
} >
} >It hits the ground and shatters.
} >
} >A Browser window appears in your inventory.
} >
} >DROP WEB
} >
} >You can't do that while you have windows.
} >
} >LOOK WINDOW
} >
} >The window is a porn advertisement.
} >
} >CLOSE WINDOW
} >
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
} >A Window falls on you.
}
} *Several hours and one zotted Zadoc later*
}
} Funny, supplicant. You *know* he locks up my computer every time you
} send him those free porn links. Knock it off. *thwaps Staff of Zot
} meanacinly into the palm of his free hand.*
}
} You owe the Oracle a new computer. You can keep your free porn.


1245-10    (9eh94 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is a SUID different from a DSID?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you take SQUID and cut out the Q, you get a SUID.  The operation
} requires great care, because you can get covered with yikky ink.
} At this point your SUID will be DAID.  Now change the A to an S and
} you will also have a DSID.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Station Unique Identifier and Destination
} Station Identifier.


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