[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Jan 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 2:18:21 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1247

Goto:
1247, 1247-01, 1247-02, 1247-03, 1247-04, 1247-05, 1247-06, 1247-07, 1247-08, 1247-09, 1247-10


Internet Oracularities #1247    (59 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002 09:39:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1247
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1247  59 votes 5ahl6 cegb6 4ajdd 7foa3 ami90 4lmb1 chea6 6ard3 2djk5 bbld3
1247  2.9 mean  3.2   2.7   3.4   2.8   2.4   2.7   2.7   2.9   3.2   2.8


1247-01    (5ahl6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Illustrious Oracle most monumental and comely,
>
> If global warming is for real will the world reach a state
> where everyone goes naked all the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not.  Humans will always find some way of covering themselves
} without overheating.
}
} After all, if we were meant to go around naked, we would have been born
} that way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a global air conditioner.


1247-02    (cegb6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey buddy... still there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Socks the Cat, not known for his empathy thought it was real
} funny to call up his former owner and ask. . .


1247-03    (4ajdd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Right, Oracle, get down and give me twenty, now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twenty quotes for your .sig file? Well, okay. But to do this
} right you need to understand what makes for a good .sig . . .
}
} The main reason to have a .sig is to fool others into thinking
} you are far more ironic than they are. The .sig that does this
} best is one that is so dang cryptic that no one can figure out
} what it means while at the same time sounding as if it is
} saying something profound. First let's look at some pitfalls of
} .sig selection.
}
} Newbies often use sayings from TV shows:
}
} 1)
}  "I won't wear my button that says, "I'm a Slayer. Ask me
}   how!" -- Buffy
}
} 2)
}   Monica: "It's not a date; it's just two people going out to
}   dinner and not having sex." Chandler: "Sounds like a date to
}   me."
}
} 3)
}  At least it tells us they understand our language, they're just
}  not willing to speak to us in it. Who knew they were French?
}  [Ivanova looks at him.]  Sorry. (Cmdr. Ivanova and Marcus Cole,
}  B5 "Voices Of Authority")
}
} See how dorky those are? These type of .sigs are not for you,
} the discerning .sig master! Quotes from TV shows aren't ironic,
} they're moronic. They're from TV! This is too shallow a source
} for the noble minds that use USENET to dip from!
}
} Slightly more savvy users use quotes from sources that others
} have already deemed officially cool. These includes:
}
} Zippy the Pinhead  quotes:
}
} 4)
}  YOW! The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a
}  VEGETARIAN!
}
} 5)
}  I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors
}  d'oeuvres.
}
} or Monty Python lines:
}
} 6)
}  The human brain is like an enormous fish - it is flat
}  and slimy and has gills through which it can see.
}
} 7)
}  He's not the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!
}
} and Steve Wright jokes;
}
} 8)
}  You can't have everything, where would you put it?
}
} The Oracle likes those quotes, so do you, so does everyone,
} that's  why they just aren't ironic enough for the more
} advanced .sig master.
}
} Now be careful of the sophomoric trap of using pretentious
} .sigs, this includes quotes in Latin and statements by
} philosophers. True, they meet the  'no one can figure
} them out' requirement, but that's about it.
}
} Famous thinkers:
}
} 9)
}  A categorical imperative would be one which represented
}  an action as objectively necessary in itself, without
}  reference to any other purpose.
}   - Immanuel Kant, Fundamental Principles of Morals, 2
}
} and Latin:
}
} 10)
} "Silent leges inter arma." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
}
} 11)
} "Vir prudens non contra ventum mingit"  - Anon.
}
} So what to use? Draw the shades, and delete this post as
} soon as you read it as I am about to tell you the top three
} sources of -truly- ironic .sigs.
}  ------------------------------------------------------
}
} The last words of Dutch Schultz. As you know Dutch was
} a mobster whose dying words were faithfully recorded by
} the police, The trouble is that no one is quite sure what
} he was talking about, yet it is clear he was indeed trying
} to convey a message. Here are some samples:
}
} 12)
} "Cut that out, we don't owe a nickel; hold it; instead, hold
}  it against him; I am a pretty good pretzler."
}
} 13)
} "There are only ten of us and there are 10,000,000 fighting
}  somewhere of you, so get you onions up and we will throw
}  up the truce flag."
}
} And the truly famous final four sentences of Dutch's life:
}
} 14)
} "Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to
}  pay. Let them leave me alone."
}  ------------------------------------------------------
}
} Lines from the works of Samuel Beckett. Beckett left his
} native Ireland and moved to France to write, saying that only
} the French language could convey his thoughts. So you have a
} sodden mick's babblings translated into French then into sober
} English. Read these .sig quality quotes & smile smugly:
}
} 15)
} "You always bury a dog under a tree, I don't know why. But
}  I have my suspicions."
}
} 16)
} "But a sheep's psychology is far simpler than Miss Dew
}  had any idea, and the lettuce masquerading as a natural
}  product of the park met with no more success than when
}  presented frankly as an exotic variety."
}
} 17)
} "And yet it is not unpleasant, before setting to work, to
}  steep oneself again in this slow & massive world. where
}  all things move with the ponderous sulleness of oxen."
}
}  ------------------------------------------------------
} But now the cream of the crop... Meta-irony.
}
} Go to a search engine site that has a voyeur feature that
} lets you peek at what your fellow netizens are searching
} for, the combinations are truly amazingly insightful, yet
} puzzling and detached.
}
} 18)
} "debt AND management  prescription drug addiction
}  pain AND peeling    safe AND cracking"
}
} 19)
} "wedding invitation phrase
}  Pamela Anderson mummy pictures "
}
} 20)
} "strap on movies  east coast, USA
}  military academies in North Carolina
}  stardraft butterfly wings
}  Bedroom Furniture "
}  ------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle an obligatory reference and a well
} executed headstand.


1247-04    (7foa3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $ uclisp
} loading Uncommon Lisp V 3.1415926535897932
} [1]> (load 'ora)
} loading Oracle v 1.4142136 (Artificial Impertinence v. 2.7182818)
} [2]> (eq 'this 'love)
} NIL
} [3]> (subset-p 'this 'love)
} NIL
} [4]> (superset-p 'this 'love)
} NIL
} [5]> (intersection-p 'this 'love)
} T
} (exit)
} Bye.
} $
}
} Part of this is part of love.


1247-05    (ami90 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did my life go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think you don't have a life, just because you work 16 hours a day,
} and then just get to sleep the other 8. Luxury ! I work 24 hours a day
} without sleep. You work in an office with air conditioning. I'm stuck
} here at this old ruined temple at Delphi in all conditions with this
} lousy old computer terminal. You try being a super omniscient being who
} has to answer the questions of insignificant fleas like you. Young
} mortals like you don't know how good you have it. Why when I was your
} age I was working 28 hours a day in Zeus' zot bolt factory. Without
} meal breaks. I had to fight my way up to this position, and what do I
} get. I have listen to whingers like you, Why I should ....
}
} Lisa : Orry you should calm down. The supplicant just has a problem
} which he needs to you to solve. Let me give you a massage.
}
} Oracle : OK. Go ahead. Oooooohhhhhhh that feeeeels reeeeally goooood.
}
} L : Why don't you come and play. You've been at that terminal for
} almost an hour. Let's go to the hot tub.
}
} O : Ok. I'll just finish this.
}
} Supplicant you don't owe me anything. You just need to get out more.


1247-06    (4lmb1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@artlogix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You must supply a fax number in order not to receive faxes.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bloody bureaucracy. I should have seen this coming. Ask to be placed on
} the do not call list, and they want to know what number not to call. I
} now that I think about it, they are going to have to fax a sheet over
} to make sure that I get things at that fax, and thus have some
} entitlement to not get stuff there.
}
} Well, I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
}
} I'm going to circumvent your red tape, for once and for all.
}
} I may not be omnipotent, only omniscient, but I am not without some
} powers. No, no, nothing as simple and mundane as a ZOT. This calls for
} the big guns.
}
} My friends, the Old Gods. Not the weak, playful Gods of Earth. The
} Other Ones. And I know just how to sweet talk and cajole them into
} paying you a visit. Don't consider it a threat, I don't expect you,
} personally, to waive your moral principles over a few words I say.
}
} I do expect you, your immediate family and pets; your organization, the
} immediate families and pets thereof; your clients, their immediate
} familes and pets thereof; your lawyers, their extended families, pets,
} and friends; and the politicians and bureaucrats who created and funded
} your organization, their extended familes, pets, and friends; I expect
} all of you to die of horror or go mad with the knowledge of the chaos.
}
} You owe the Oracle the placement of Hastur's name on the Do Call list.


1247-07    (chea6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Keeper of Wisdom and Mirth,
>
> Where are my keys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ray Charles' favorite gag line...


1247-08    (6ard3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is nethack the greatest game ever or is there something better and if
> there is something better, what is this something better than nethack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's a single word that applies here:
}
} Sex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a daily walk in the daylight so you can break down
} some of that bilirubin.


1247-09    (2djk5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle,
>
> I'm having no luck at all with Microsoft Technical Support.  Maybe it
> will go better if I ask you.
>
> We have a release due out this next week.  We need to be able to write
> binary data to an "image" column in an MSSQL table.  It seems that the
> Microsoft JDBC/ODBC bridge for Java is changing some of the codes
> corresponding to eight-bit characters into their seven-bit ASCII
> equivalents, usually an apostrophe.
>
> Do you have any clue as to how we can fix this, or at least, what the
> proximate cause is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Loudly and into fern in corner)
} Silly, foolish software engineer!  There is no way to fix it.  This is
} a question you should not be asking.  Go away.  Why must you waste the
} Oracle's time with such silly questions?
}
} (nervous pause)
}
} ::The Oracle turns up the stereo really loud::
}
} (hushed whisper)
} Okay...I heard a rumor the other day from someone who's brother's
} friend's cousin works at Microsoft that their JDBC/ODBC bridge for Java
} is deliberately written to  change those codes to prevent outside
} software developers from developing any piece of software that can to
} interface with Microsoft products, thereby ensuring their
} Rockefeller-like straglehold on the industry while simultaneously
} saving face with the antitrust case prosecutors by showing that they
} are encouraging competion!
}
} And it goes deeper than that, man.  You wouldn't believe the
} information that your OS is collecting and sending to Microsoft.  They
} know everything, man.  Your daily habits, the amount of porn sites you
} sneak at work, your shoe size, the secret names you and your buddies at
} work have for your boss, whether you...you name it, they know it!!!
}
} And don't that you'll stop it by unplugging your modem, man.  They got
} a secret deal with Intel and AMD where they install mini cellular
} modems inside the power supply.  You think a computer needs a
} transformer that big? Wake up man.  They know EVERYTHING, man.  And
} they're coming for you.  They know what you're up to.  At least they
} will once you read this.
}
} Switching to Linux won't help either, man.  The guys who wrote Linux
} have been secretly working with Steve Jobs in a conspiracy to hypnotize
} you into watching Pixar movies, man!  You think I'm crazy?  Well, have
} you ever noticed how much that grinning Linux penguin resembles Wheezy
} from Toy Story 2?  That was their big mistake, man.  When that penguin
} showed up on that shelf coughing up dust in the first act I suddenly
} realized the awful truth! It was no coincidence that I had switched to
} Linux a scant seven months before I suddnely had a burgeoning desire to
} go see that movie!
}
} You've gotta get out of there, before it's too late!  Burn your
} computer! Burn your servers!  Run for the hills!  The computers are out
} to get us! They're after us!  Tell no one!
}
} ::turns stereo off::
}
} (loudly and into fern again)
} What are you still doing here!  Get out!  You stupid person!  Don't you
} know anything about software engineering!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Microsoft Windows for Dummies"!  Now get
} out!


1247-10    (bbld3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cassie, wherefore art thou, Cassie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} Cassie! Go fetch help! Little Timmy has fallen in the well!
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} You can get on that plane and Leave Cassieblanca, but...
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} I just want to say one thing to you - 'Cassie-tics'
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} I love the smell of Cassie in the morning.
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} Remember, you're fighting for Cassie's honor, which is
} more than she ever did.
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Cassie anymore
}
} [  Zadoc crumples up the page and tries again... ]
}
} Cassie la vista, Baby.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org