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Internet Oracularities #1248

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Internet Oracularities #1248    (58 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 08 Feb 2002 15:07:44 -0500 (EST)

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1248  58 votes dfhb2 2crb6 4alg7 5egad 36nj7 97jbc cvc12 5boc6 16jkc 76ij8
1248  3.1 mean  2.6   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.2   2.1   3.1   3.6   3.3


1248-01    (dfhb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, why is it I'm just not funny when I try to be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What? Why is... oh! Hah! That's a good one! Haahaa! The cat's even
} laughing at that one! I can hardly type, I'm laughing so hard!
}
} Man, I don't know where you got that sense of humor, but if you can
} bottle it you'll make a fortune!
}
} You owe the Oracle a minute to catch his breath before you submit
} again. (heehee!)


1248-02    (2crb6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, I read today that the prophetesses of
> Delphi were all high on hydrocarbon gasses when they made their
> prophecies. Why do you still keep them on the payroll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take out the old HR manual and take a look:
}
} ACOLYTES' SUBSTANCE ABUSE POLICY
} 1. The possession or sale of alcohol and/or drugs on the Temple Mount
} can be grounds for immediate non-existence. Prescription Drugs are
} excluded from this statement only if you have a current prescription
} for the drug. Over-the-counter drugs are not covered by this
} paragraph.
}
} 2. The use of alcohol or illegal drugs during the work day is always
} prohibited and can be grounds for non-existence. If you are taking
} prescription or over-the-counter drugs which could impair your safe
} prognostication, notify your supervisor who may assign you other
} duties.
}
} 3. We expect all acolytes to take personal responsibility . . .
}
} The hydrocarbons in question wafted in over the counter and were not
} illegal at the time. So paragraph 1 doesn't apply and we must address
} the question of impairment. A study determined that priestesses high
} on, er, life tended to predict fair weather, bountiful crops, and home
} team victories. The recipients of these prophecies showered the Temple
} with largess, and a couple of really hot smallesses, too.
}
} Grouchy, sullen, and sober priestesses tended to forecast murrain,
} rivers of fire, the end of the world and really bad halitosis. Nominal
} supplicant reaction was to run screaming into the night without leaving
} a tip. Verily, a finding of "no impairment" was made and the busy
} bodies told to mind their own business.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "In the Air Tonight" and an inquiry into
} the ether bunny.


1248-03    (4alg7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most peaceful and wise.  I prostrate myself repeatedly
> before you to humble myself in light of your magnificence.
>
> I heard today that the US is adding woodchucks and Zadoc to its list of
> terrorist "axis" organizations that it plans to destroy utterly.  Is it
> true?  Will Zadoc be utterly destroyed?
>
> I shall remain bowed upon my keyboard until I hear your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc being put on the list is an unfortunate misunderstanding. You see
} in his spare time he is the maker of the world's toughest pretzels, and
} for some reason your president thinks the Great Pretzel Incident was an
} assassination attempt. Zadoc is not a terrorist, he is just a terrible
} cook, albeit a terrific pretzel salesman. I must admit they have the
} chewiness of steel radial tyres.
}
} Sadly this is not the first such incident in human history. Mostly I've
} had them suppressed. Zadoc is simply too useful for me. Here are the
} real stories behind some historical events. You will have to destroy
} this email and your computer after you have read them.
}
} ------------------------
} April 1865 : Ford's Theatre Washington DC USA, President Lincoln's Box
}
} Pres Lincoln : This has to be the most boring play I have ever seen.
} Mrs Lincoln : Stop grumbling dear. Try one of these pretzels. I bought
} them from Mr Booth's shop across the road.
} Pres Lincoln : Ok. Hmm, verry (cough) chewy .....  Aaaaaarggh
} Mrs Lincoln : Oh my god ! The president is choking !
}
} -----------------
} 44 BC : Senate building, Rome
}
} Brutus : Hello Caesar, how are things ?
} Julius Caesar : Fine. Went to a good toga party last night.
} Brutus : Three nights in a row ! You must be tired. Here try one of
} these pretzels I bought off this priest.
} Julius Caesar : Ok. Hmm, verry (cough) chewy .....  Aaaaaarggh
} Brutus : Great Caesar's Ghost ... Umm, you know what I mean. Caesar is
} choking !
}
} -----------------
} 1805 : HMS Victory just after battle of Trafalgar
}
} Hardy : Jolly good show Admiral, we really hit the French for six.
} Nelson : Quite. They won't take us on in a while.
} Hardy : By the way. The rats have attacked all our food. And we found
} barrels of pretzels on the French ships which the rats haven't touched.
} We're taking them aboard right now.
} Nelson : Excellent idea. I'm famished, I think I'll try one now. Hmm,
} verry (cough) chewy .....  Aaaaaarggh
} Hardy : Oh my god ! The admiral is choking !
} ------------------
}
} As you can see it was just a horrible accident. But don't worry I will
} negotiate with your president to remove Zadoc from the list. I won't
} mention the other incidents, it might inflame matters. It will ruin
} Zadoc's franchising ambitions but frankly you should be grateful for
} that.
}
} As for the woodchucks they must be eliminated !!!
}
} You owe the Oracle some edible pretzels. Now destroy your computer. I
} don't care if it's your work computer and people look at you funny,
} just destroy it now.


1248-04    (5egad dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I this, or am I that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Apologies to Dr. Seuss)
}
} Am I this or am I that?
} Am I thin or am I fat?
} Am I square or am I round?
} Am I nowhere to be found?
}
} Am I fish or am I meat?
} Am I smelly of the feet?
} Am I weird or am I dumb?
} Am I chewing on some gum?
}
} Am I song or am I dance?
} Am I seltzer down your pants?
} Am I final or am I start?
} Am I riding on a cart?
}
} Am I foolish or am I zen?
} Am I in a brown bear's den?
} Am I circles or am I squares?
} Am I up to rhyming dares?
}
} Am I all these things and more?
} Or am I just a rhyming bore?
} Truly I know not!
} But at least you get no Zot!
}
} You owe the Oracle a new copy of Green Eggs and Ham.


1248-05    (36nj7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you going to disemvowel him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That would not be consonant with the current political climate ...


1248-06    (97jbc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise oracle whos  knowledge amazed the preists at delphi,
> whos greatness awed the monks of tibet whos belly button lint
> mesmorized gillagin please answer my humble question.
>
>     Last week for school I was required to read a book about a teenage
> girl who gets pregnant and chooses to keep the child.  I spent most of
> the book laughing at the main characters stupidity.  I was half way
> through the book when my boyfriend came over and we had sex, am I a bad
> person for this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is this an example of your schoolwork?  Let's look at your grammar and
} spelling:
}
} "Oracle" in this context should always be capitalized.
} "preists", oh come on Dear, "I before E except after C".
} Likewise "Delphi" should be capitalized.
} And "Tibet".
} "mesmorized" is spelled "mesmerized" (after Franz Mesmer, an 18th c.
} German physician)
} "Gillagin" is a proper noun, again capitalize, and spell "Gilligan".
} Two points for that one!
} "whos" should be should be the possessive "whose".
} Again, "characters" is missing the apostrophe that makes it possessive:
} "character's".
} "half way" should be one word: "halfway".
}
} No, you're not a bad person, but you are a bad student.  Instead of
} laughing at the main character's stupidity, you should be concerned
} about your own ignorance or lack of care in preparing written
} materials.  Your boyfriend obviously doesn't think about your future,
} or he'd be helping you study instead of schtooping you silly, and years
} down the road when you're working the drive-thru line at McDonalds to
} support his beer habit, he'll be at home pumping some new young thing.


1248-07    (cvc12 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail, sovereign The Oracle, sage of USENET, you who have given us
> great glory, you who cast your meshed snare upon the towered walls
> of foolishness, so that neither the silly nor willfully lame could
> overleap your huge enslaving net of all-conquering Wisdom. The Great
> Oracle is lord of hosts and guest-accounts. He can monitor all that
> is typed without getting dizzy.
>
> Who always laughs in the middle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly mortal. He who laughs in the middle is he who loses in the
} laugh-hard-a-thon held every year on PBS opposite the super bowl. You
} were channel surfing, right?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pepsi. For those who think young.


1248-08    (5boc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Great Oracle I grovelled by bowing to you on bended knee.  Now
>  my knee is stuck in that position, and I feel too wretched to
>  grovel again.  How can I improve my grovelling without grievous
>  harm to my frail body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While the bended knee is a tried-and-true classic, a little expansion
} of your grovelling repertoire will keep you humbly ahead of the pack.
}
} This being the post-modern age, your grovelling need not be a direct
} action toward me.  Think outside the box.  The essence of the grovel is
} debasement. As long as you humiliate yourself, I'll be happy.  A couple
} of trips through the airport security line should suffice.
}
} You owe the Oracle his confiscated nail clippers.


1248-09    (16jkc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle,
>
> Why doesn't coffee taste as good as it smells?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the world's oldest existing example of the "bait and switch"
} advertising scheme.
}
} You're attracted by the rich smell of fresh-brewed coffee - probably in
} the presence of someone with a sexy baritone voice. Then, at the last
} minute, the ground coffee is switched with fresh earthworms.
}
} No, wait, that's the "switch with bait" scheme. Sorry.
}
} I believe it has something to do with the desirable aromatic chemicals
} in the coffee being more readily released into the atmosphere, leaving
} behind the bitter compounds that one tries not to associate with the
} taste of coffee. Sort of like the proverbial can of worms.
}
} (As part of my court-ordered public service, this Incarnation suggests
} you search the Web for "toddy maker" or "cold brewed coffee." There is
} a method for steeping ground coffee in cold water, which does not
} release the "good stuff." Warm the result to drinking temperature in a
} microwave. Maybe that will help.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a decaffeinated earthworm. No, wait, here's one in
} my cup. Well, half of one anyway.


1248-10    (76ij8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and spam-free Oracle,
> maybe I'm a bit naive, but there's one thing I don't understand
> about spammers.  Everybody hates them, right?  And therefore, nobody
> would want to do business with them, right?  Even if you were
> interested in the product or service they were selling, you'd buy it
> elsewhere, purely on principle.  Well, the spammers must know this by
> now, so why do they continue spamming, since they know all they're
> gonna get for their trouble is a hostile reaction, and possibly a
> reprisal of some kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are three rules about spammers. One of them applies to this
} situation directly, the others indirectly.
}
} Rules about spammers:
}       1) Spammers are stupid.
}       2) Spammers lie.
}       3) Spammers *lie*.
}
} Let's see how these apply by observing a spammer (thinking, almost
} audibly):
}
} > Uh, um, uh, I was going to do something today. Um. Oh, I could
} > check email. Um. What's my password again? Hmmm. That's right
} > it's C-O-O-L-D-U-D-E. Hey, I've got mail!
}
} 5 messages:
} Subject: ADV: Earn a Degree Based By Drinking Beer -- THIS IS REAL
} Subject: 3477   Tired of actual work? Try this Egyptian Scheme
} Subject: VERDIENEN SIE GEld Vom Haus! EARN MONEY AT HOUSE!
} Subject: FUN AT THE MEAT PACKING PLANT!!!!!                   sxzt7
} Subject: 100 MILLION EMAILS + Bulk Mailing Software For Only Your Soul
}
} > Damn. Only spam. Hmm. I was going to do something else today.
} > That's it. I was going to advertise my tee-shirt business.
}
} mouse: click, click, click
}
} > Wow, That much for banner ads? How about overture.com. 76 cents
} > for a top spot.
}
} calculator: tap, tap, tap
}
} > That could add up quickly. Um. Uh. Hmm. "100 Million Emails"
} > That's a lot of people. And it only costs my soul, not bad.
} > And spam isn't that bad.
}
} Here you see rule number one dominating, and rule two hitting at
} the end: the spammer has lied to himself, and is too stupid to
} realize it. Lets fast forward a bit.
}
} (reading spamware instructions)
} | Step 1: Choose your email title
} | Step 2: Write the email message
} | Step 3: Select email address list
} | Step 4: Connect to internet
} | Step 5: Press 'send'
}
} > Okay. A bit tricky, but not rocket science. Um. Title. Oh. Um.
} > "Tired of being naked? Buy Tee shirts" Nah. "Not just for wet
} > tee shirt contests" Nope. "Be a cool dude in these cool tees"
} > Yeah. That'll do. Okay step 1 down. Step 2. Agh. Um. Uh. Okay.
} >
} >   Tired of the old I'm With Stupid tee shirt? Check out
} >   these hilarious ones:
} >     Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide
} >     the bodies.
} >     I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
} >     Rehab Is for Quitters
} >     If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
} >     friends?
} >     First National Bank Of Dad: Sorry, Closed.
} >     Will Eat For Food
} >     I listen to both kinds of music: loud and very loud
} >
} >   Click here www.cooldudeshirts.com
} >
} > Um. Uh. Hmm. Maybe I should add a message so people don't think
} > its spam.
} >
} >   THIS IS NOT SPAM> THIS IS A ONE TIME MAILING> YOU GOT THIS
} >   EMAIL BECAUSE YOU SIGNED UP WITH ONE OF OUR PARTNERS..
} >
} > Uhh. Guess that is enough. Now what's next? Step 3. Hmmm.
} > There only seems to be one address list here: "Damn near
} > everybody.lst" Guess I'll use that. Now. Um. Connect to
} > internet. Shoot. What's my password again? Um. Uh. Oh yeah,
} > C-O-O-L-D-U-D-E. Um. Here goes nothing.
}
} mouse: click
}
} Now we see the spammer has demonstrated rules two and three,
} "hilarious" indeed. And that hasty not-spam message, Mr. Cooldude
} didn't even use caps lock, he held shift down, even when typing
} periods.
}
} > Um. Hmm. Wonder how long this will take? Hmm. I'll check email.
}
} mouse: click, click
}
} > I've got mail! Woohoo!
}
} 4 messages:
} Subject: ROOSTERS ONLY: SEE HOT YOUNG CHICKS COME OUT OF THEIR SHELLS
} Subject: Be a cool dude in these cool tees
} Subject: New Pill Adds 1 to 3 inchs to your girth
} Subject: Notice of account termination
}
} > Spam, spam, and what's that? They're closing my website for spamming?
} > Damn, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm gonna sue them for breach of
} > contract.
}
} More lies and more stupidity.
}
} Wait till this guy sees what hell has in store for him. RFC 666:
} TCP/IP Tunneling Through Intestines Over Tapeworm Carrier. Apparently
} he'll be the alpha tester.
}
} You owe the Oracle the hide of a spammer.


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