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Internet Oracularities #1249

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Internet Oracularities #1249    (56 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Feb 2002 10:10:55 -0500 (EST)

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   1249
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1249  56 votes 79kh3 afec5 feha0 6akc8 2b8hi bpe51 4bgk5 7dl96 99ic8 4akbb
1249  3.0 mean  3.0   2.8   2.4   3.1   3.7   2.3   3.2   2.9   3.0   3.3


1249-01    (79kh3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is ebola

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ebola is a virus, named after a river in the Democratic Republic of the
} Congo (formerly Zaire) in Africa, where it was first recognized. The
} virus is one of two members of a family of RNA viruses called the
} Filoviridae. Three of the four species of Ebola virus identified so far
} have caused disease in humans: Ebola-Gates, Ebola-Bush, and
} Ebola-Supplicant. The fourth, Ebola-bola, has caused disease in
} nonhuman primates, but not in humans.
}
} The signs and symptoms of Ebola hemorrhagic fever are not the same for
} all supplicants. The table below outlines symptoms of the disease,
} according to the frequency with which they have been reported in known
} cases.
}
}                        Symptoms that occur       Symptoms that occur
}                        in Supplicants who        in Supplicants who
} Time Frame             do not grovel             do grovel
} ----------             -----------------------   --------------------
} Within a few days of   high fever, headache,     sore throat, hiccups,
} becoming infected      muscle aches, stomach     rash, red and itchy
} with the virus:        pain, fatigue,            eyes, possible but
}                        explosive diarrhea,       occasional diarrhea
}                        spam formations,
}                        blindness
}
} Within one week of     chest pain, shock, nose   boredom, headaches
} becoming infected      fungus, muscle spasms,
} with the virus         Windows crashes, ethics
}                        lectures from
}                        Bill Clinton, and death
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  In fact, here's a ticket for a Congo
} Safari for you.


1249-02    (afec5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle Whose Jokes Are Always Funny!
>
> I know that I often think of the funniest joke
> about a subject after it the subject has been
> overdone and everyone else is tired of hearing
> about the topic.  Do you have any good chad
> jokes that you haven't had an chance to share
> now that they are passe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give it up Mr. Gore, your fifteen minutes is up.


1249-03    (feha0 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most perfect being, whose countenance shines forth
> upon the planet like a klieg light, might you consider
> coming to my aid?
>
> My Cat likes to BE under blankets.  She just BEs there.
> My Other Cat will sometimes tread upon the lump, hear
> Cat give a squawk, and run for the hills.  Other times
> Other Cat will see a lump, Cat in full view, and test
> it fearfully with her paw, fearing to tread there.
> It appears Other Cat has put 2 + 2 together and come
> up with 1.
>
> How should I proceed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great. Just as I was getting ready for bed.
} Hold on a sec, let me the ole Decryptonator...
} there.  (HEY!  Where's the oil for the
} Decrypto?  Yeah, you there... get me some
} oil... and wind up the Computor too... no,
} I'm busy... Listen missy, can you tell me
} why the heck I'm paying you the big
} bucks?  That's right..... that's right....
} and what else?  That's *right*!! Now go
} and get me the oil, go wind up the Computor,
} and then wait for me.  NO, you can't take
} a nap.  I'll be right there... no, it
} can't... no, it can't wait..  you're not
} listening... no... no.. wai... *CRASH*
} *BANG* *KAPOW*...  oh, great. Now it'll
} never work... great.  */$%!  Ok, fine,
} go take a nap.)  Ahem.. sorry about that.
} Now... let's see if this thing still works...
}
} (whirr... click click click...)
}
} OrSoft Decryptonator, v. 1.02 (c) 1850-2002
} This program is protected under divine copyright laws.
} Available semantic spacememory: 72 TBytes.
} Available co-orthogonal processors: 16,384 MCPUs.
} Availabpe parallelism pipelines: 2e+12.
} Available disk space: 12 PBytes.
} [C5462: WARNING] You are running low on system resources.
}
} I am the Decryptonator, please, enter message to
} be decoded. Each time you are finished talking,
} type RET twice.
}
}  My Cat likes to BE under blankets.
}
} Why do you say cat might want to be blankets?
}
}   She just BEs there.
}
} What makes you believe she just bes there?
}
}   My Other Cat will sometimes tread upon the lump, hear
}   Cat give a squawk, and run for the hills.
}
} Earlier you said cat would like to be blankets?
}
}   Other times other Cat will see a lump, Cat in full view, and test it
}   fearfully with her paw, fearing to tread there.
}
} Maybe your plans have something to do with this.
}
}   It appears Other Cat has put 2 + 2 together and come
}   up with 1.
}
} Are you sure that that?
}
}   How should I proceed?
}
} Is it because should you proceed that you came to me?
}
} [Z0321: ERROR] Out of swap.  Shutting down.
}
} Argh... I shoulda known... damn $%#&* broke the
} thing.  It never ran out of swap before.
} Ok, tell you what, this one's on me.  Now
} get outta here, I'm busy...


1249-04    (6akc8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you like some of this yummy woodchuck pie ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Tried some once. Spent the whole next day chucking out logs.


1249-05    (2b8hi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> General Oracle SAH!!
>
> [Salute Salute]
>
> Once again, your military genius shines like a beacon, lighting the
> way for we lieutenants who are destined to follow you. Your latest
> bombing campaign once again proves that you have the right stuff, the
> ability take the bull by the horns and lead it out of the corral and
> onto the sweet pasture of er... freedom and... erm... the American
> way...and ...er...
>
> General Oracle SAH!!
>
> [Salute Salute]
>
> What was my question again..?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders.
}
} Now, stand up straight with your arms above your head and jump off this
} here cliff.
}
} (Splat)
}
} >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Commander Pablowski jump off that cliff?
}
} You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders.
}
} Now, crouch down into a square kind of shape and jump of this cliff!
}
} (Splat)
}
} >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Private Coblooski jump off that cliff?
}
} You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders.
}
} Now, Stand on your left leg, with your right leg tucked up underneath
} you, and with your right arm straight up in the air and jump off this
} cliff. See if you can land between those first two guys will you?
}
} (Splat)
}
} >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Corporal Pecowitz jump off that cliff?
}
} You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders.
}
} Now, bend forwards and stand with your arms pointing out sideways
} making a kind of stunted T shape and then jump off this cliff. See if
} you can fill the gap between that last fellow and that rock will you?
}
} (Splat)
}
} Wahay! I made a line!!
}
} >General Oracle SAH!! Why did Lieutenant Arlcof jump off that cliff?
}
} You're not paid to ask questions soldier, you follow orders.
}
} Now, go down there and shovel those guys out of the way, then get the
} next battalion ready
}
} You owe the oracle some fresh batteries for his Gameboy. Playing Tetris
} this way just takes far too long.


1249-06    (bpe51 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle with the highest post count of any message board...
>
> Why does Ed spam our boards so very very very VERY much...?
>
> Your servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ed has raised a few eyebrows at the winter Olympics.  I think
} his revolutionary treatment for snowboards will pay off in the
} end. Who would think that the fine meat product from Hormel
} Foods Corporation would be such a wonderful substitute for wax?
} I've heard Ed is now experimenting with Cheese Whiz for repairing
} bobsleds.


1249-07    (4bgk5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh stupendous Oracle who knows how to make sense of the most utterly
> stupid things, please enlighten me as to how this could happen:
>
> A friend of mine is an airline pilot in the US, and has a mustache.
> Recently, while going through "staff only" airport security, they
> confiscated his mustache clipper, while giving him "the eye" for trying
> to smuggle such a dangerous weapon onto a plane. But he's the *pilot*!
> If we wanted to kidnap the plane, he wouldn't need a weapon, he's
> driving the thing to begin with! I have this mental picture of him
> threatening himself with the clipper to his own throat and forcing
> himslef to crash the plane...
>
> Shortly thereafter his bosses called him for a meeting, where he was
> reprimanded for the above behaviour, and was also informed that all
> pilots may soon be required to have firearms on board. No mustache
> clippers, though - those are dangerous.
>
> Does this make any sense whatsoever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
}
}    You have asked me about airport security.  A man named...is this
} "einstein?"  said it best.
}
}    "There's only one different between the universe and human
} stupidity.  The universe has a limit."
}
}    Really.  Airports hire idiot high school dropouts so they can pay
} them less.


1249-08    (7dl96 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ???oot sdrow ym gnillortnoc strats ti erofeb od I can tahW - eldnah ot
> em rof hcum oot eb ot gnitrats s'tI
> ?tuosecapsehttfel ti woh rebmemer ,taht erofeB
> .gnilley rof draob egassem etirovaf ym ffo dekcik tog I dna SPAC LLA
> gnoid saw ti keew tsal ,rebmemer uoy erus m'I sA
> .tluciffid oot si it dnim kaew ym rof tub **forward** sgniht etirw nac
> I ,drah yllaer yrt I fI
> !!niaga pu gnitca si draobyek yM  .melborp a evah ot mees I
> *great one* ,si tahT
> ....esiW tsoM elcarO O

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Goodness.  I haven't been called Eno in a long time.
}
} Yes, I know about your keyboard.  You with the ergonomic keyboards,
} always trying out new methods.  First with using your pinky fingers
} instead of your thumbs for the spacebar.  Then using footpedals for
} the metakeys: alt, ctrl and SHIFT.  And now you read about turning
} your keyboard upside down so you can push up with your fingers and
} "increase hand strength."
}
} For your own sake, just bite the bullet and learn how to touch-type
} in dvorak.  You'll still be able to type 'woodch*ck' and balance the
} typing between your two hands to reduce repeditive stress.
}
} You owe the elcarO a crab canon, played backwards.


1249-09    (99ic8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grated Oracle I am not good speak of english excuse please.
> Want learn speak english perfect.  Help please fast need now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen Yoda, the world loves you the way you are.  Don't change.


1249-10    (4akbb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "BJ Backitis" <bjbackitis@alumni.clemson.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most well-adjusted,
> what would *you* do with a drunken sailor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It depends what he got drunk on.
}
} If he got drunk on beer, I would have him deep fried in a thin light
} batter, and served with chips (fries for American supplicants). If he
} got drunk on wine then I would have him as a casserole, and served with
} crusty French bread. Anything else and I would have him pickled and
} saved for later. Of course, if he is too young I would have to throw
} him back into the sea.
}
} I would tell you about the size of the sailor I caught last week but
} you would not believe me. Tune in next week for some serving
} suggestions for accountants.
}
} You owe the Oracle the drunken members of N'Sync.


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