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31 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 3:19:52 GMT

Internet Oracularities #125

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125, 125-01, 125-02, 125-03, 125-04, 125-05, 125-06, 125-07, 125-08, 125-09, 125-10


Usenet Oracularities #125    (15 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Feb 90 23:08:17 GMT

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125   15 votes 13515 15243 55212 23370 14550 01581 11238 01464 12732 21570
125   3.3 mean  3.4   3.2   2.3   3.0   2.9   3.6   4.1   3.9   3.2   3.1


125-01    (13515 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sing me a song of mooses in the computer lab at Beaver Hall.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I went to the lab at Beaver Hall
} To look at the beavers both great and small
} Spread out on the floor or stuck on the wall,
} But I did not expect to find mooses.
}
} They trampled consultants with iron-shod feet,
} And gobbled them down as a savory treat,
} They took my tequila and drank it all neat --
} These things did the horrible mooses.
}
} One VT100 tried running away
} And they caught it, and it started to pray
} But after three words they smooshed it to clay!
} Those horrible, barbarous mooses.
}
} The VAXen had pistols, the VAXen had knives,
} The VAXen had phasers and sabres and scythes,
} But none of the VAXen escaped with their lives
} From the crunchable feet of the mooses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a final verse.  The Oracle is lazy.


125-02    (15243 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How far is it to Boston?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Boston is a faraway place
} It's practically in outer space
} It's further than the Milky Way
} Or the summer home of Doris Day
}
} It's full of geeks and long-haired hackers
} Who eat raw fish on oyster crackers
} Who soak in hot tubs every day
} And swiftly throw their lives away.
}
} You can get there on the T
} (a real good deal, if you ask me)
} You can get there on a plane
} to Logan Airport in the rain.
}
} Boston is a million miles
} From tender lovers' gentle smiles
} It is a long long distance call
} No money left for food at all
} It's always such a distant place
} To leave your darling's pretty face.
}
} Boston is nearly on the moon
} They eat their beans there with a spoon.
} So many people live in Boston
} I think they all should move to Austin.
}
} It's clear I do not know the source
} Of this inquiry sincere, of course.
} But the answer is, wherever you are,
} Boston is certainly much too far.
}
} (Though even from the depths of Hell,
}   Boston's closer than Cornell....)
}
} You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ithaca.


125-03    (55212 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Lisp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISP = Large Intestine Sphincter Particles
}
}       In other words, it is a crock of unmentionable.


125-04    (23370 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so horny this morning?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} horny \'hor-ne\ adj horn-i-er; -est  (14c)
} 1 a: of or made of horn
}   b: HARD, CALLOUS <horny-handed>
}   c: compact and homogeneous with a dull luster -- used as a mineral
} 2  : having horns
} 3  : [horn (erect penis) + -y]
}   a: desiring sexual gratification
}   b: excited  sexually -- horn-i-ness n
}
} As per definition 1c, you're dull simply because you haven't been
} polished lately.
}
} The Oracle


125-05    (14550 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle,
> Sweet and Fine,
> Will you be
> my Valentine?
>
>    xxx ooo
>    (frum the girl who luvs gummy bears)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has the added feature of being able to be everybody's
} Valentine.  However, I'll give YOU the benefit of being your Valentine
} all night long.  Everyone else gets to fight over the afternoon.  (I
} don't get up until noon anyway).
}
} See you then, lover.
}
} THE_ORACLE
}
} PS, You owe the oracle a lace negligee, and you know when to wear it.


125-06    (01581 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   I'm sorry if this message inconveniences you but I'm actually hoping
> you won't get it.  About one out of three of my questions to you never
> come back.  I think they are in the same place as all the socks I have
> lost over the years.  I have equiped this
> message with a two way radio and it has               (Two-way radio)
> orders to report back to me when it finds
> out anything.  If it does get to you by
> mistake instead of getting lost, do you know where all my questions
> are?  I'd really like to know.  Thanks for your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, this is the customer service department at K-Mart.  How may we help
} you?


125-07    (11238 dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I persuade the Pope to come worship Athene and Demeter with us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this could be a little hard....oh hell, why not...wait a sec...
}
} oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com
} Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com
} SunOS 3.5.1
} ========================================================================
} ========================================================================
} You have mail.
} Your terminal type is now xterms
} It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990
} pearlygates %> cd /usr/myguys
} pearlygates %> su root
} Password:
} pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope
} -rwx------  1 jehovah     deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:05:13 pope
} pearlygates #> chmod 770 pope
} pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope
} -rwxrwx--- 1 jehovah      deity     5764398 Feb 13 22:19:54 pope
} pearlygates #> exit
} pearlygates %> lo
} oraclevax %>
}
} Well, that was fairly easy.  Just a little violation of the rules,
} but I think it's a good idea to expose people to new ideas.  So,
} anyways, now the Grand Old Right Hand Man of God is primed for some
} action.  Just do it soon and don't let
}
} <RUMBLERUMBLERUMBLEGRUMBLEBOOMSMASHTHUDBANG>
} #GOD#  HALT THY HAND FROM THE KEYBOARD, OH FALLEN ONE!
}
} Oh crud!  Look, I was just
}
} #GOD#  THOU HAST VIOLATED THE PERSON OF MY HOLIEST SUBJECT!  WHAT HAST
}        THOU TO SAY IN THINE OWN DEFENSE, OH MONGREL SON OF THE EARTH?
}
} Look, it's really not any big thing...why don't we just let this blow
} over?  I mean, they may not want him anyways...he is getting a bit on
} in years...
}
} #GOD#  NO MATTER--THOU HAST SINNED!  PREPARE TO
}
} <CRACKARACKATHOOMBAMWHOMPBOMPABOOBOPAWHOMPBAMBOOM>
} *ATHENE*  WAIT, THOU YOUNGER GOD OF THE ISRALITES!  I HAVE POWER
}           ENOW YET TO STAY EVEN YOUR HAND--THE MORTAL IS MINE.
}           EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I HAVE COPIED HIM FROM YOUR DIRECTORY,
}           AND (THROUGH MY IMMORTAL WISDOM) ERASED HIM FROM YOURS.
}           BEGONE!
}
} <BOOMTHUNDERRATTATATTAT>
} #GOD#  OH ATHENE, KNOW THAT IN THIS AGE *I* WIELD THE THUNDER AND THE
}        LIGHTNING--YOUR DAY IS DONE.  RETURN MY SERVANT TO ME OR I SHALL
}        REPORT THOU TO THE UNIX COMMITTEE!
}
} *ATHENE*  YOU DO NOT WIELD THAT POWER ALONE!  *I* OWN THE BOARD OF
}         TRUSTEES AT BERKELEY, AND YOU ONLY AT&T!  TO ME, JOVE!
}         TO ME, OH YE GODS OF OLYMPUS!
}
} <BOOMBANGOOHEEEOOHAHAHBINGBANGWALLAWALLABINGBANG>
} %DEMETER%  SHE STANDS NOT ALONE, CUR!
}
} Well, this is a little, well, unexpected...look, why don't you
} give up on it?  I mean, really, next thing you know Cthulu will
}
} <^%$&$%#%*#%#@*$%&%$*%$&>
} @CTHULU@  SOMEONE CALLED?


125-08    (01464 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a goldfish yet?  If not, how can I become one asap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Art of Reincarnation:
}
} To become a goldfish use the following algorithm:
}
}   1.  Check to see if you are a goldfish.
}   2.  If you ARE a goldfish, stop executing this algorithm.
}   3.  If you ARE NOT a goldfish, kill yourself.
}   4.  Allow some time for the reincarnation process.
}   5.  Go back to step 1.
}
} Easy enough, eh?
}
} You owe the oracle an abstract data type.


125-09    (12732 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just cooked a whole batch of "Squid-ums" in my Microwave oven.  When I
> opened the door, there was Phyllis Schlafly!  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My God!  Quick, run to the cupboard.
} Get out a box of alum and that twinkie wrapper encrusted to the side.
} Run into the living room.
} Get all your copies of "National Geographic" earlier than 1965.
} Grab a magic marker.
} Go through the magazines (hurry! hurry!) and, with the marker, circle
}   all the pictures of nude aboriginal women you can find.
} Sprinkle the alum on the pictures.
} Rub the wrapper in the alum.
} Shut the magazines and arrange them tastefully on your kitchen floor
}   in a neat semi-circle.
} Say to Phillis:  "pick a magazine, any magazine"
} When she reaches over to do so, boot her in the rump, sending her
}   flying back into the microwave.
} Now, without looking, grab a magazine yourself, and, with a sharp
}   flick of your wrist, send it flying towards the fridge at a 45
}   degree angle to the floor.
} Slam the microwave door shut with a flying roundhouse kick.
} Using the momentum from the kick, dive towards the entrance to the
}   living room just under the gently falling alum.
} Clear the doorway quickly by rolling.
} You should hear an intra-dimentional explosion of sub-sonic qualities
}   behind you in the kitchen.
} You may now re-enter the kitchen.  Your freshly-cooked "Squid-ums"
}   should be back in the microwave.  You're damn lucky you had
}   seafood in there, instead of, say, pizza.
} I sure hope you followed all of my directions precisely.  If you
} didn't, God help the new owner of your lower extremities.
}
} You owe the Oracle s
}  ome  intra-dimentio
}       nal     writing fluid.
}
} Next time be careful when playing with the fabric of our Universe.


125-10    (21570 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle!  Stop answering that question right now!  Don't make such a
> spectacle of yourself!  Have you finished cleaning your room yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But I
} I
} I
} I/O ERROR
} I/O ERROR
} <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!>
} <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!>
} time is but an illusion created by snorting too many hostess hohos and i
} for one am not willing to do that are you yes i was afraid you were
} I/O ERROR
} I/O ERROR
} im in an infinite loop i hope you realize that and that its all your
} fault cause i cannot clean my room until i answer these questions and
} because of your question i must clean my room before i can answer
} questions and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
} and and and and and and
} <bedeeeeeeeeeeeep!>
}
} REVELATION:  AS ALL TIME IS AN ILLUSION YESTERDAY IS TODAY AND TODAY IS
} TOMORROW AND AS MY ROOM WAS CLEAN THREE DAYS AGO AND AS THE DAY THAT WAS
} THREE DAYS AGO IS TODAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY MY ROOM IS
} CLEAN YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY AS WELL AND YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND TOMORROW
} AND TOMORROW'S TOMORROW AND ON AND ON UNTIL THE END OF TIME WHICH IS
} MERELY THE DAWN OF TIME VIEWED UPSIDE THROUGH THE FISHTANK YOU HAVEN'T
} CLEANED FOR THREE YEARS AND BY VIRTUE OF WHICH FACT SHOULD NOT BE
} NAGGING ME ABOUT MY DAMN ROOM ANYWAYS!
}
} Well, then, NOW can I do some PRODUCTIVE WORK or do I have to *OW!
} *OW!* STOP that, Mom!  You know I HATE it when you *OW!* *OW!* *OW!*
}
} You owe the Oracle a new vacuum cleaner.


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