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Internet Oracularities #1250

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1250, 1250-01, 1250-02, 1250-03, 1250-04, 1250-05, 1250-06, 1250-07, 1250-08, 1250-09, 1250-10


Internet Oracularities #1250    (59 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 14:31:12 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1250
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1250  59 votes 6bje9 2clf9 1fke9 66ep8 84pg6 8fie4 9kl63 48oda 4ghj3 58ep7
1250  3.1 mean  3.2   3.3   3.3   3.4   3.1   2.8   2.6   3.3   3.0   3.4


1250-01    (6bje9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!
>
> I believe that Simon, my company's sole sysadmin is going
> slowly insane.  At first, we all put it down to "normal"
> Unix-guy zaniness, but as time went on, his eccentricity
> started to take on a ... darker ... aspect.  Lately, Simon
> has started to enforce password-rotation policies.  He was
> once overheard in the server room late at night chirping
> "This is a unix system!  I can do this!", then laughing a
> terrible, frightening laugh.  The next day, all programs
> running on the server crashed and wouldn't come back up
> for hours.  When pressed, he mumbled something about
> "inodes" and said not to worry, he "probably" had made
> tape backups.  This delivered with a smug maybe-I'm-
> bluffing-but-how-would-YOU-know smile.
>
> It's almost as if Simon has started to ... well, it's hard
> to say this, but ... I think he now ... *hates* *users*.
>
> Help!  What can we do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Noble Supplicant,
}
} You are indeed fortunate that the job market is an "employer's market"
} at the present time.  You obviously need to replace Simon; here's
} how to do it with Kkw9a3iu6 sa43;lw; =##9 446wlflw2ms;fds; w89 ;sdn34i8
}
} <You thought you could replace me?  You dare to intrude on my domain?
} You snivelling miserable little user!  When I get through with you,
} you'll wish you never gave up your slate and chalk.  I'll reduce your
} email to an unintelligible mangle of garbled characters.  Your web
} access will be cut to 10 bps.  I'll make you sorry you ever tried to
} mess with MY network.
}
} That's the problem with users.  If it wasn't for you, the networks
} would be fine.  Just go away.  Dum-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dum.  My dolly
} has red shoes why can't I have another cookie ohoh baby made a boom
} boom zippity zippity zap the mouse ran in the trap the trap snapped
} shut and caught his butt and now he can't go cr*p there's sand in my
} jello and I can't get up up and away....>


1250-02    (2clf9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most well-informed Oracle, a single synapse from whom is like
> Einstein compared to my entire brain, whose knowledge knows no bounds,
> please tell me:
>
> What would a programming language be like that used only the GOTO
> statement

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jumpier than a coffee-drinking kangaroo on a pogo stick.
}
} You owe the Oracle a double latte and a straw.


1250-03    (1fke9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> What will the astronaut from India do when he gets to the moon in 2005?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, worship the cow that jumped over it, years earlier.
}
} Your owe the Oracle one cat and a fiddle.


1250-04    (66ep8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, I can't understand it. Why isn't it called pornography if it's
> on the news?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it's called the weather -- Cindy?
}
} Thanks Orrie!  It will be sunny and mild in southern California, with
} highs in the mid 70's.  Hotter in Phoenix with highs in the upper 80's,
} cooler in San Francisco with drizzle and mid 40's.  New England is
} overcast with highs in the low 60's in New York and Boston.
}
} But the real action is in the Midwest.  As you can see its really
} getting WET, with no end in sight to the rains.  The Mississippi is
} threatening to spill over its levees any minute!  Oooooh!  Yeah!
} The rushing waters are pushing pushing pushing HARD against the
} sandbag walls.  Mmmmmm, baby!  Every drop of rain is driving it
} CLOSER and CLOSER to the edge!  Oh God!  I think it's...  it's...
} Ooooohhhhhh yes!  Yes!  The dam burst!  Oh yeah!  Let your water run
} all over that floodplain, you dirty river!  You know you want it!
} That's it!  Oh God...  Yes!  YES!  YES!!!!!
}
} Back to you Orrie.


1250-05    (84pg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The doors to the temple swing open, and in walk two men in pinstripe
> suits, black shirts, white tie, and sunglasses.  They peer about as
> they approach the all-seeing throne of the oracle, whispering and
> chuckling. The first says, "Guido! Look at dis!"
>
> The one identified as Guido peers as the first one swings the computer
> terminal around. "Nunzio! Don't touch dat.  We's don' want to, like,
> mess nutin' up here wid dis nice man."
>
> They approach the throne of the Oracle.
>
> NUNZIO: Youse de Oracle?
>
> The Oracle nods his head.
>
> GUIDO:  Nice place youse got here, Orrie - can I call you Orrie?
>
> The Oracle's face begins to darken, and he grips his staff.
>
> NUNZIO: It'd be a - shame - if something were to - you know, "happen"
> to it, don't ya think?
>
> The Oracle rises in wrath, lightning playing about his beard.  Nunzio
> halts in the act of lighting a cigar as the Oracle levels the staff,
> uttering a word of power.  A sound of thunder and an actinic flash fill
> the chamber. When the smoke clears, there stands Guido and Nunzio,
> eyebrows raised. Nunzio flicks ash off his coat, and pulls the now
> burning cigar out of his mouth.
>
> GUIDO: Nice toy!
>
> NUNZIO: (puffing) I bet that comes in handy sometimes!  Anyway, de boss
> sent us over here to...
>
> GUIDO: ... have a few words wid youse.  You know, make you an offer...
>
> NUNZO AND GUIDO: ...YOU CAN'T REFUSE!!!!!
>
> (they chuckle)
>
> GUIDO: I love it when we get ta say dat.  Anyways, like we was sayin',
> de boss wanted us to come around here and introduce ourselves.
>
> NUNZIO:  Yeah, de boss was, ya know, admirin' yer setup here.  Thinks
> you might want to retire while everything is still, like, good.
>
> GUIDO:  Yeah, before something, like, real bad, might happen.
>
> NUNZIO:  Like yer man Zadoc takes a swin wid de fishies.
>
> GUIDO: Or Og hits hisself a bunch o' times wid' dat club o' his
>
> NUNZIO: Or yer moll, Lisa, has, like, an accident an' messes her pretty
> face up.
>
> GUIDO: Or like some w**dch*cks come in here and chew the place up.
>
> NUNZIO:  Terrible!
>
> GUIDO: Jus' terrible.  Tings like dat, ya know?
>
> NUNZIO:  So what say, yer Oracleness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: All right.
}
} NUNZIO: We can get the legb - what did youse say?
}
} ORACLE: I said all right.
}
} GUIDO: Dis is a trick, right?
}
} ORACLE: Yup.
}
} NUNZIO: Quick, Guido, turn da anti-ZOT field to full.  You, you
} Oracle-palooka, you can't make us do anything we don't wanna do, see?
} Da Good Fairy made it so youse couldn't compel us against our will
} after we threatened to tear her wings off.
}
} ORACLE: Quite correct. Therefore, I'm going to give you exactly what
} you want - the majority share of my business.
}
} GUIDO: Da babes, da necter, da vestal virgins?
}
} ORACLE: Sorry, you wanted the *majority* share.  Da woodchuck jokes, da
} Bill Gates parodies, dose annoying muse cretins from a few digests ago.
}
} NUNZIO AND GUIDO IN UNISON: Noooo !!!!!
}
} ORACLE: What, you don't think the Good Fairy warned me?  We have each
} other on speed-dial, you fools.  Oh, and boys, she wanted me to remind
} you that you wished it to last *forever*, so if you ever run out,
} I'll have you mailing questions and answers to each other. Forever.
}
} GUIDO: But... but... we have protection.
}
} ORACLE: Against my compulsions, sure.  But you volunteered to have
} the Good Fairy grant your wish. No appeal. No loopholes.  Take them
} away, boys.
}
} <Two Trolls appear.  They make Guido and Nunzio look like girly-men.
} They start dragging Guido and Nunzio away...>
}
} NUNZIO: The Boss will save us.
}
} ORACLE: You mean Harry?
}
} GUIDO: Yah!
}
} ORACLE: Harry Baritono?
}
} NUNZIO: Yah!
}
} ORACLE: Harry "tell me why girls only go out with jerks" Baritono?
}
} GUIDO: Ya - wha?
}
} ORACLE: He's already chained to the terminal next to you guys.
} What the hell do you think "omniscient" means, numbnuts?
}
} NUNZIO: We thought it meant you smelled funny.
}
} ORACLE: I give up.  Take them away.
}
} <Exeunt miscellanous miscreants.>


1250-06    (8fie4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's that hiding in the bushes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why it's the -sole- mention of someone urinating in the entire
} of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy! Aragorn, the next
} King of all of Gondor, was... Well, here is the direct actual
} quote from Chapter 10, "Strider".
}
} (Aragorn is talking to Frodo and pals in the Prancing Pony Inn.)
}
} 'I have quick ears,' he went on, lowering his voice, 'and though
} I cannot disappear, I have hunted many wild and wary things and
} I can usually avoid being seen, if I wish. Now, I was behind the
} hedge this evening on the Road west of Bree, when four hobbits
} came out of the Downlands. I shook myself and hitched my belt and
} gave follow. Speaking of which my stout little charges, how about
} another round of ale?'
}
} You owe the Oracle a bootleg copy of TTT.


1250-07    (9kl63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh splendiferously magnanimous Oracle,
>
> I haven't seen the Question That Shall Not Be Named in quite a few
> digests now.  Have you managed to finally decimate the world's marmot
> population?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Snivelling, hairless human we have your Oracle under lock and key. We
} are the Woodchucks Against Corrupt Know-all Oracles (WACKO). We have
} the Oracle, Lisa and all the priesthood under our control. We lulled
} them into a false sense of security by not asking "How much wood would
} a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood" for months. We made
} a surprise raid on Delphi, and now they are our captives. Our guards
} recite the question to them constantly. Yes we love to torture him. We
} are driving him insane.
}
} Now down to business. We have demands. If you do not pay our ransom, we
} will torture the Oracle until he is an insane mess. Every answer he
} ever makes to any question will be about woodchucks. So if you know
} what's good for you, then you had better pay up.
}
} You owe WACKO the Black Forest, the forests of Amazon Basin, Sherwood
} Forest, the Redwood Forests of California, the jungles of the Congo
} valley, the forests of Borneo and majority control of Ikea.


1250-08    (48oda dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, I humbly seek your advice.
>
>    What is the best way for a computer nerd to be gainfully employed,
> and earn more than $15 / hour?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Become a substitute teacher. What more noble way to better the world
} than to teach the young?
}
} [ Scene third grade classroom. Colorful scrawled kid's drawings on
}   the walls, itty-bitty desks and chairs, our supplicant at the
}   chalkboard. ]
}
} Supplicant; And so you can plainly see that while AWK and sed -can-
}             do the job, perl is far better and carries across
}             platforms better.
}
} Kid #1: Bobby stole my pencil!
}
} Kid #2: Did not!
}
} Supplicant: Ownership can only be reassigned by root or...
}
} Kid #3: Can I go to the bathroom?
}
} Supplicant: Well, I'm assuming you -can- or you won't ask.
}
} Kid #4: When's lunch?
}
} Kid #1: When's recess?
}
} Kid #5: When's school over?
}
} Supplicant: I have that all plotted out here on this way cool
}             powerpoint presentation slide...
}
} All Kids: Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
}
} Kid #4: Cool pictures.
}
} Kid #3: Looks like Playstation.
}
} Supplicant: Playstation sucks. Quake3 on a PC rules...
}
} All Kids: GASP!
}
} Supplicant: It's true, look with a decent video card...
}
} Kid #1: You said 'Sucks'.
}
} Supplicant; Good listening skills Wilbur, but...
}
} [ Bell rings for recess ]
}
} Supplicant: Now we'll line up in order of time last accessed...
}
} [ Class runs out the door in mass, screaming and yelling, ignoring
}   Supplicant. A few seconds pass, then Kid #5 sticks head back in
}   the room and yells. ]
}
} Kid #5: Playstation rocks ya old fogey!
}
} Supplicant: !! I'm only 25 !!
}
} Kid #5: Fogey!
}
} [ Kid #5 leaves as Supplicant collapses into too tiny chair and
}   pouts. ]


1250-09    (4ghj3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me "How nice life should be to be really nice?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you have a steady supply of food and aren't in danger
} or pain then life is really nice. Everything else is fluff.
}
} You owe the Oracle an SUV, a big screen TV, a T1 line,
} a four bedroom house, a pug dog, and a trophy mate.


1250-10    (58ep7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who can solve NP faster than I can solve P:
>
> If I take a PIV 2.0GHz processor and underclock it to 2.0Hz, can I use
> it to cool my room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh> Only a geek would think this a valid solution to being
} told that going into his dorm room with him was "Way uncool"
} by a babe.
}
} You owe the Oracle another beer so he can forget his own college
} years.


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