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Internet Oracularities #1252

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Internet Oracularities #1252    (55 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 28 Feb 2002 17:51:07 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1252
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1252  55 votes 97me3 1dig7 5hkb2 3gm86 6oj42 fai66 4bhg7 4dnc3 bhga1 59p97
1252  2.9 mean  2.9   3.3   2.8   3.0   2.5   2.6   3.2   2.9   2.5   3.1


1252-01    (97me3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O Oracle,
>
>  Which is the best joke ever?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FBI RAIDS INDIANA UVIVERSITY IN ANTI-TERROR ACTION
}
} In a surprise move aimed a preventing a terrorist attack against
} the Federal Government, the FBI has raided the Computer Science
} Department of Indiana University.
}
} "We have firm and incontrovertible evidence that people in that
} department were working on weapons of mass destruction.  They were
} planning to launch a so-called 'humor bomb' with a 20-Megaton
} yield against Washington, DC." an FBI spokesperson said in a
} press conference.
}
} Details of the design of the alleged bomb are still sketchy.
} The potentially deadly effect of jokes has been known since World
} War II, when the British launched such an attack on the Germans.
} Apparently, computer scientists at Indiana University used
} the Internet to collect huge amounts of humor from the general
} population, then increased it in potency (similar to the fissile
} Uranium-235 is enriched) in a process called "digestification".
}
} "The alleged perpretator's final plans were to make it all into the
} funniest joke ever, then to launch it.  We believe some ingredients
} of the joke are President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Enron, Osama
} bin Laden and Pretzels.  It is unlikely that the Federal Government
} would have survived this onslaught" the FBI spokesperson said before
} collapsing in laughter and being rushed away by a medical FBI team.
} He is now said in quarantaine in the intensive care unit of an
} undisclosed hosiptal, in a serious, but stable condition.
}
} So, about this question of yours... I could tell you, but I wouldn't
} even have to kill you.


1252-02    (1dig7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Sir,
>
> I thank you in advance for your help in this matter. May I introduce
> myself. My name is Zadoc P. Wurmobe, and I work for the Nigerian office
> of Internet Oracle PLC. Recently I've come into possession of a large
> amount of money that has been collected as tributes from supplicants to
> The Internet Oracle.
>
> As the political situation has changed in Nigeria, my family and I have
> made the decision to leave Nigera to make a better life for ourselves
> in Europe. However, as the tributes (a total of over US$60,000,000) do
> not legally belong to us, we need the cooperation of a citizen of your
> country to store this money for us while we emigrate.
>
> Therefore, I humbly ask for your assistance in this matter. The process
> will be simple, and will require only that you shelter the 60 million
> dollars in your account for one week. In return for this, I and my
> family (Lisa Wurmobe, and Og Wurmobe) will be prepared to pay you the
> sum of US$5,000,000 for your help.
>
> If you are able to help, please contact me on this email address, so
> that we may transfer the funds into your account as soon as is
> possible.
>
> Yours faithfully,
>
> Zadoc P. Wurmobe.
> Integer Oracle PLC.
> Nigerian Office.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: So what we have here is an parody of a fake proposal sent
}         to an anonymous internet service under a phony name alluding
}         to the fictitious aide of an ethereal entity no one has ever
}         seen asking for unbelievable sums to be sent to a phony office
}         that doesn't exist for fraudulent reasons. Observations?
}
} Zadoc: I'm fictitious?
}
} Oracle: Anyone else?
}
} Kendai: Nothing -is- real.
}
} Oracle: Elaborate.
}
} Kendai: Nothing passes for something, especially in sufficient
}         quaintness, and on the Internet where you have a seemingly
}         unlimited supply of pure unadulterated nothingness...
}
} Lisa: You're just making that up as you speak aren't you?
}
} Orrie: Of course he is, which is the whole point. Humans like
}        fake stuff better than the real. Disneyland, a world
}        of blatant fakes, has lines of people paying money
}        to see it. Prisons, which are way too real, are only
}        populated by those that can't get away due to guards
}        and barbed wire.
}
} Kendai: So the more fake you are the better liked you are.
}
} Lisa: Makes sense. Sherlock Holmes has fan clubs, the lady
}       mopping the floors at the supermarket can't get even
}       get her own kids to remember her birthday.
}
} [ Zadoc jumps up, shouts, "Woo-hoo" and pumps his fist
}   into the air a number of times. ]
}
} Zadoc: I Am Fictitious! I Am Somebody!


1252-03    (5hkb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O multi-faceted Oracle, Schlemiel of Schmooze, with the social skills of
> a Greek God,
>
> I don't know anyone.
>
> How do I meet people?
>
> I'm surrounded by people all of whom seem to know eachother from
> SOMEwhere or other.  But none of them know me.  Occasionally I try
> introducing myself to one of them, or another, but their attention
> starts to wander about halfway through my last name.  They stare through
> me at some speck on the wall and then go back to whatever they were
> doing.  If I try to engage them in conversation anyway, they just get
> up and walk away.
>
> What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Treebeard,
}
} You might want to try using the short version of your name. I know
} it is a matter of great pride for an ent to have such a name, but
} many humans simply do not have the patience to listen through the
} whole thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of Ent-Draught.


1252-04    (3gm86 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who has a lock on wisdom, a head for Justice
> and can comb through data faster than a Cray...
>
> Why do people use sham poo to wash their hair? Is
> real poo too expensive or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just think about it. Ewww. But you should have seen some of the other
} items people have tried washing their hair with:
}
} Shamu - Was popular until a prominent socialite tried to beach herself.
} Heavy use tended to clog up the cetaceous glands.
}
} Fondue - Never really caught on and was reincarnated as Cheez Whiz.
}
} Witchiepoo - Pulled from the market because it made hair puffy and
} stuff.
}
} Snafu - Hair was normally all fouled up after application.
}
} Shih-Tzu - Gesundheit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bassoon.


1252-05    (6oj42 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> # rm -rf /var/spool/spam &

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oh my god, you killed the Mail Daemon!"
}
} Okay, so that was a bad Nethack joke.
}
} I, too, would like to remove spam, but it hides itself
} so well...
}
} I suggest you write your own filter, as the /spam
} directory is not being sorted well, and you deleted
} the email that told you you got promoted.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spam filter that works.


1252-06    (fai66 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So long, Chuck, and thanks for all the ducks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's all, folks. RIP Chuck Jones, 1912-2002.
}
} You owe the Oracle a carrot.


1252-07    (4bhg7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, with body odor most plesant...
>
> Any advice for what I should do about this painful zit on
> the side of my head? It's too small to see under my hair,
> and it's too small to pop, but it's large enough to hurt
> extremely badly. Any advice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...lessee here...too small to see under hair...too small to
} pop...large enough to hurt....
}
} GEEZUS! You've got an engorged mite in your head!
}
} Mites are usually peaceful and docile, living their complex social life
} in peace and harmony, feeding off of dead skin cells, sleeping in that
} space between a hair and the side of the tiny tiny hole your hair grows
} out of. However, once in a while, as is the nature of any society,
} you'll get one of those Orwellian-some-mites-are-more-equal-than-others
} citizens who disrupt the comprehensive socialist state that is known as
} mite society. These mites eat more than their share, forcing their
} brethren mites onto other follicles and while normally, they are unseen
} to the naked human eye, become quite large. You know that pain you get
} when you accidentally scratch that bump on your head? It's not what you
} think it is. It's actually that gluttonous mite biting into your head
} in a desperate attempt to stay lodged in its feeding space. And that's
} why you can't pop it either--that chitinous outer covering prevents any
} significant squashing. All you can hope for now is a revolution or at
} least major political divisions on your head. I suggest exposing your
} head to a bit of political propaganda--perhaps a sign that says, "All
} mites are born equal" or "Rise up and crush your oppressors!" Mites are
} quite small, even messages written on a small cue card and placed
} strategically in your hair are sure to gain notice because to them, the
} letters are in fact, a few hundred stories high. Just think, if you
} saw, "Liberty for all!" written in 80 story letters in the sky, you'd
} find it hard to ignore. Hopefully, mitedom will rise up and depose the
} oppressive engorged mite on your head. If not, then only a tactical
} nuclear strike, or a prolonged military action will prevent further
} coronal catastrophe.
}
} P.S. Don't use "Vive la Revolution!". Mites can't read French.


1252-08    (4dnc3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, with toenails most long and beautiful,
> minty fresh breath, and teeth most white...
>
> What is the best method of study for me to use so I can
> actually understand my calculus class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's an exciting new method, hailed by educators' conferences,
} nobel prize winners, and late-night infomercials.  It's called
} the "Frequent Method".
}
} It integrates all previous systems' advances, but is hardly
} deriviative.  It pushes your understanding to the limit (as
} sex goes to zero, unfortunately).
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) imaginary number.


1252-09    (bhga1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Shakespeare was around in the Computer Age, would he be the
> keyobard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, yes.  And we would have an infinite number
} of cloned pink monkeys typing on him.  They would try really
} hard, but the best they will come up with is MacBeeyotch.
} The Govenment Censors will be upset, and the monkeys will
} be dis-Bard.
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) revisionist history


1252-10    (59p97 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh supreme h4x0r of the universe, j00 rU13z d00d!!!1111!!
>
> I've watched in dismay at the rise of 133+ speak and All Your Base Are
> Belong to Us jokes.  Can you tell me what other horrors I can expect
> from the net geek community in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, everything old will be new again.  You thought the '70s revival was
} bad?  '1337 SpEeK is actually an inside joke gone horribly wrong: 80's
} hackers would joke with each other about the ultimate newbie, "Biff"
} (or B1FF), who would try to spice up his USENET posts and emails with
} alternate characters for letters, but more often than not it was
} because B1FF could only spell phonetically and he hadn't found the
} CapsLock key yet.
}
} In a shocking case of life imitating art, preteen newbies started
} typing like B1FF in a form of rebellious self-identity.  Now, these
} legions of B1FF have passed adolecence, and the internet is lacking in
} the harsh reality that forces adolecents to smarten up and act like
} adults.
}
} AYBABTU was another inside joke, from a discussion board about the
} videogame "Tribes."  It got out of hand when a couple of brilliantly
} creative artists who play the game decided to incorporate the motto
} into the meme of passing around amusing newsphotos.  The AYBABTU meme
} infected that meme, and piggybacked into the offices of bored corporate
} workers (and bored college students) across America and Europe.  You
} could write a thesis paper on the memetics involved.
}
} Here's where I get to the point: memetics.  To anticipate what memes
} will affect (infect?) your culture in the future, you need to find a
} meme that:
}  - rewards people who spread it ("hey, this is funny!")
}  - is effortless to spread (although '1337 speek and photoshop'd
} newsphotos aren't easy to create, they're easy to copy)
}
} Some candidates are:
}  * pr0n. (oops.  Hindsight is 20/20).
}  * stick figure animation.
}  * amateur audio remixes, likely just playing sound samples from movies
} in sequence or loops.
}  * more catch-phrases from old video games.  Perhaps "wacka-wacka-wacka"
} from Pac-Man, or voice synthesis from arcade games like Sinistar ("I
} hunger!", "Run coward!") or Gauntlet ("Elf, all your powers will be
} lost!", "Valkyre shot the potion.")
}  * 1980's nostalgia.  Perhaps even music or video based upon archaric
} home video game systems like the Atari 2600 or Nintento 8-bit.  This
} doesn't fit the above criteria, but there's something to be said about
} memes getting a second wind a generation after their inception.
}  * More extravagant and melodramatic "under-construction" pages --
} perhaps even interactive 404 errors wallowing in irony.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few bars from Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be
} Happy.


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