[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:30:11 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1253

Goto:
1253, 1253-01, 1253-02, 1253-03, 1253-04, 1253-05, 1253-06, 1253-07, 1253-08, 1253-09, 1253-10


Internet Oracularities #1253    (59 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 08 Mar 2002 20:44:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1253
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1253  59 votes 3aep7 3emj1 4gmg1 8abic 38aik 8oh82 4asd4 cfhc3 agce7 9hh97
1253  3.0 mean  3.4   3.0   2.9   3.3   3.7   2.5   3.1   2.6   2.9   2.8


1253-01    (3aep7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...
>
> What the heck is this "rountoit" I keep hearing about?  Is it like a
> memo or some form of currency?  Every so often I ask people if they did
> what I asked, they tell me "Sorry, I never got a rountoit."  What is
> that??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, my friend, a "rountoit" is a little ceremony
} (much like a Japanese tea ceremony, only more exquisite)
} that you must perform with your colleague, to assuage
} evil office spirits.  If the ceremony is neglected, these
} spirits will pester your poor co-worker until he gets
} absolutely nothing done.  You're really doing this for him.
}
} Here is what you must do...
}
} *  Walk into your colleague's office.
} *  Close the door.  This is very, very important.  No-one but
}       you and your colleague may watch the secret ceremony.
} *  Put your hands together, close your eyes and say "Om".
} *  Open your eyes and smile.
} *  Grab your coworker by the lapel in your left hand.  With
}       your right hand deliver three (3) mighty smacks to his
}       face.  BAP!  BAP!  BAP!  There is some controversy over
}       whether you should backhand twice and forehand once or
}       vice-versa.  This is really up to you.  But you have to
}       make that loud noise of hand-on-face to frighten the evil
}       spirits.
} *  Say this mystic incantation:
}       Gih vmeedat report baim undae orr aiwil keeliu beeyotch!
}       (It is latin for "May we work in harmony forever, cher
}       colleague")
} *  Tell your colleague, "I believe we understand one another, yes?"
} *  Go back to your desk.  I guarantee you your own morale will be lifted
}       whether or not you ever get the work from your colleague.
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) report by Monday, or I will kill you.
} Beeyotch.


1253-02    (3emj1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh sleepless Oracle,
>
> Are three consecutive all-nighters too much?  My roommate says there's
> no green men from outer space dancing on my desk, but the green men
> insist that my roommate is a trick of the light!
>
> Who's right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant. There exist 3 universal truths:
}
} Force equals mass multiplied by acceleration
}
} The line joining the planet to its Sun sweeps out equal areas in equal
} times as the planet travels around its orbit.
}
} Little green men do not lie.
}
} So let us summarize, apples fall from trees, planets spin around the
} sun, and your roommate is actually a shadow caused by that pot plant
} you have sitting in your window.
}
} Now, unless you want the headmaster to kick your little pot smoking,
} gravity defying, earth at the center of the universe little butt off
} campus, I suggest you clean up the hemp, get some sleep and learn that
} dance that the green guys are boogying to, the chicks love it. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a kegger


1253-03    (4gmg1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle,
>
> If the grass is greener on the other side, should we throw some rocks
> at the folks over there to cover it up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your own grass may be indeed greener if you remove those rocks from
} your side of the fence.
}
} You owe the oracle a Japanese garden.


1253-04    (8abic dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of all Oracles,
>
> That feeling you get when you put a Q-tip in your ear, is it a
> sin?  Because I think I might be becoming addicted.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never hear it called a Q-tip before. Or an ear.
}
} You might want to look into a more honest significant other.


1253-05    (38aik dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!
>
> I am a dutiful son in a Chinese family.  All was well
> until I realized one day that I am blond, have blue eyes,
> and am 6 feet tall, even tho I'm only 15 years old.  I
> asked my parents about this, but they claim that I'm
> "mistaken", that I'm really 5'7 and have black hair.
>
> I think facts are on my side, as I'm on the varsity
> basketball team.  And I constantly get teased about
> wearing flood pants.
>
> What's going on here?  Am I being secretly groomed for
> a life as an itinerant kung fu monk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're mistaken about your blonde hair and blue eyes. Look
} at your parents. It's just impossible. Everyone knows that
} two Wongs don't make a white.
}
} You owe the Oracle an order of spring rolls and some clay
} pot rice.


1253-06    (8oh82 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang baby!  Yeah yeah!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Okay supplicant . I've been itching for a chance to dance."
}
} The Oracle descended from his throne and started dancing and singing
} "Ooga ooga ooga chaka". Soon the whole palace was shaking. Literally !
} The priests and Lisa fled the palace thinking there was an earthquake.
} The Oracle kept on dancing and shaking, oblivious to the destruction
} around him. Aftershocks reverberated around the world. The Leaning
} Tower of Pisa fell over. Tidal waves hit numerous shores. Forests were
} flattened (to the joy of woodchucks everywhere). Boris Yeltsin fell
} flat on his face. Nobody around him actually noticed the difference.
} Michael Jackson's new nose fell off.
}
} The supplicant looked on in horror, just starting to realise what he
} had done. He screamed out "Please Oracle, that is enough".
}
} The Oracle stopped dancing. He said "That was such fun. I think I have
} found my true calling in life. My life and my job have been very
} boring, empty and repetitive lately. I'm going to go into showbiz. I'm
} going to be a star, the new Fred Astaire. I shall head off to Hollywood
} right now. I'm sure they'll really, really like me. Thank you
} supplicant for changing my life."
}
} As the Oracle set off down the road from Delphi, walking off into the
} sunset, the supplicant said to himself "Oh dear. I think I owe the
} world an apology."


1253-07    (4asd4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, He who Travels Over Wires,
>
> Why is it that I hit every red traffic light when I drive?  The
> probability of this happening is astronomical.  Is the world against
> me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... if I were a betting diety I'd put money on there being an
} infestation of rare African traffic lights in your neighbourhood.
} These normally docile creatures spend most of their time sleeping
} but when agitated by loud noises will pounce on unsuspecting
} travellers with their large red lights. So, to solve your problem
} supplicant you should turn down your radio transmission device,
} get a new muffler and be very, very quiet as you drive. If you're
} lucky, one morning you'll wake up and find that your traffic lights
} have migrated to noisier feeding grounds. Of course, you'll probably
} see an influx of long neck speed limit signs at that point but you
} can't have everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a field guide to inner city wildlife and a pair
} of binoculars... shhhh... I think I've just spotted a rare yellow
} bellied duck crossing sign.


1253-08    (cfhc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ;

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is the other half of your colon:
}
} .


1253-09    (agce7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. Then next comes Zed.


1253-10    (9hh97 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I write a well-versed, eloquently stated, perfectly pointless
> question which might at first appear to be a detailed,
> intelligent-sounding question which has every syllable relating to
> science but in actuality means nothing in human speak and looks like I
> painstakingly took hours for me to orchestrate and merely is an attempt
> to appear grandiosely witty, can I get it listed in the Ocularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you making fun of the Priesthood? I should hope so!


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org