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Internet Oracularities #1255

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Internet Oracularities #1255    (56 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 10:02:10 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1255
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1255  56 votes 7hib3 28ph4 8alg1 6che7 5hp81 5deea 6ckc6 6dhd7 3ok81 1eik3
1255  3.0 mean  2.8   3.2   2.9   3.1   2.7   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.2


1255-01    (7hib3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> What is the most pointlessly violent sport ever played in human
> history?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, it's politics.  Nothing else is quite as pointless and it
} takes a lot of hard work to be a good windbag!
}
} You owe the Oracle a furnace & bellows to corner the market on hot air;
} there's an election year coming up...


1255-02    (28ph4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why is it that the birds only come to my bird
> feeder at dusk, when I can't see them well enough to identify them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's difficult, even for the Oracle, to say 'why' a bird
} does anything. Birds are notoriously stupid and impulsive.
} In your case it seems you just have some rather shy birds
} that have develop a habit of bathing before they nest for
} the night. Let us instead focus on how you can best identify
} your nocturnal bathing birds.
}
} * Set up a low-light video cam at the bird bath, then watch
}   the birds in the privacy of your own home on your monitor.
}   While you're at it set up other cams to watch the bathing
}   chicks in the apartment building next door. [0]
}
} * Huge klieg lights with the off on switch in your home.
}   As soon as the birds land. LET THERE BE LIGHT.
}
} * Super glue on the bird bath rim. Then you can walk right
}   up to the birds and view them at your leisure.
}
} * Study the birds the way Audubon did.  Shoot them, then look
}   at them up close.
}
} You owe the Oracle a feather pillow.
}
} [0] Check for legality in your locale.


1255-03    (8alg1 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ancient Sage,
> how does racial memory work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, recollection of memory is terran brains and computers is
} performed by re-running a signal across a path it once ran along before
} when the original stimulus signal was experienced.
}
} When you're trying to recall something, you (well, in an abstract
} sense,) try to cue the same signal to run the same path so you can
} recreate the experience.  The brain won't know in advance which path
} the signal should go down, so it fires signals down many many paths for
} sorting out the experiences later.
}
} With many signals down many paths, the experience that is recreated
} first tends to be the most impressive.  Thus, it's a bit of a race
} between these signals running down paths to see who can finish first
} and be the most prominent memory.
}
} The sort of memory that comes from this try-every-path racing, is
} called, naturually, a racial memory, and the term is used for when you
} are trying to recall a specific single time you did something
} repetititve.
}
} For instance, if you try recalling your question, the terms 'racial
} memory' and 'genetic memory' will both vie for recollection, but since
} there's fewer letters in 'racial' than 'genentic', odds are that the
} former word's memory will win the race, appear in your mind first, and
} appear to you to be the best term to use.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 500-word essay on futility of 'genetic purity'.
} You may cite from March of Dimes and the royalty of Europe for examples
} of the dangers of inbreeding.


1255-04    (6che7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  What is the largest known prime number?
>
>  No, wait, that's not really what I want to know.  What is the smallest
>  unknown prime number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The smallest unknown prime number is a penny.
}
} After removing all the unknown numbers not prime, and all the small
} primes not unknown, and all the unknown primes not a number, only one
} possibility remains.  Penny Stanizewski, 1421 Eurbean Waundub Memorial
} Ln., Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, U.S.A.  She's small, she's unknown,
} she's PRIME, and boy-o-boy, what a number she does when she takes out
} her retainer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quip about Penny and pi.


1255-05    (5hp81 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most prescient Oracle, who's brackets are never busted, or at least
> never on the opening weekend.
>
> What exactly is a Saluki?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now that's a good question! I had to resort to one of my old
} memory-enhancing tricks (which I call GOOGLE, short for "Gosh!
} Old Oracle Got Lost Egain")(I know, "again" is spelled with an 'a' but
} then it wouldn't work as an acronym) but I think I found the answer:
}
} The Saluki, or gazelle hound, is a breed of dog with a story that goes
} back to before recorded human history. It apparently originated in
} the Middle East, and was bred for speed and stamina as a hunting dog.
} It was frequently seen in the company of desert nomads, lounging in
} large numbers on the front porch of a tent with one or more camels
} propped up on cinder blocks in the front yard ... wait a minute,
} that's the entry for a 'coon hound.
}
} The breed standard describes a long, narrow head; sloping, muscular
} shoulders; wide hips; large, oval, hazel to dark brown eyes; and a
} smooth, soft, silky coat... no, wait, that's my wife's description.
}
} You should contact your local kennel club or veterinarian for more
} information. But keep your cotton-pickin' hands offa my 'coon hound!


1255-06    (5deea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most creative!
>
> I want to win a darwanian award.  Any good suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instead of playing a live RPG, recreate Frogger on the streets of New
} York City.


1255-07    (6ckc6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who shall watch the watchers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        TIMEX, watch makers for Immortals world wide!
}
} [ A lofty mist shroud mountain somewhere near Tibet. A council
}   of hood shrouded men sit in tall obsidian chairs around a
}   glyph decorated circle on the floor. In the center of the
}   circle stands a thin man in a gray flannel suit. Before
}   him is an opened attache case full of cheap watches. The
}   Watchers at times turn their measured glances from the
}   man to their wrists where shiny new time-pieces are bound.]
}
} Man: You may at times wonder, "What time is it in Tokyo?"
}      Just push the utility button and it shows the time
}      in a pre-set area.
}
} Watcher Tol: Mine flashes like lightening at sea, yet of
}              Tokyo it tells naught.
}
} Man: Not the re-set button. The other one.
}
} Watcher Dur: Aye. My clock doth tell of the hour in
}              the land of the chrysanthemums. It is a
}              time of fast breaking there.
}
} Man: Exactly.
}
} Watcher Glod: And our very movements, pendulous and
}               sure, wind the mechanisms?
}
} Man: Yup! No batteries or winding needed.
}
} Watcher Tol: And if we buy 600, we will get some
}              sort of bargain?
}
} Man: Yes, 10 percent off and I'll throw in 66 ladies'
}      models for gratis.
}
} [ All the Watchers murmur approval and nod. ]
}
} Watcher Tol: You have made a sale.
}
} Man: Great. Now, could I interest you guys in some
}      slightly used owls? I've got a matched brace
}      of Great Horned. . .
}
} Watcher Dur: Don't push it mortal.


1255-08    (6dhd7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, mighty Oracle, I beg you to shine the magnificent light of your
> wisdom upon my unworthy eyes: What steps should I take to have the
> best chance of dating a starlet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being a normal non-rich, non-Hollywood person, you have
} two (2) chances of dating a starlet:
}   *  Fat
}   *  Slim
}
} You owe the Oracle one (1) serious attempt to court the gal
} next door.


1255-09    (3ok81 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle of great fighting stock!
> May I inquire to ask "What's up, doc?",
>
> My keyboard has two columns of keys. I can't figure out what they're
> for, and I'm too chicken to actually try them lest I kill my system.
> They're called "Stop", "Again", "Props", "Front", "Open", and "Find".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa!  It's a good thing you didn't touch them; do you mean you missed
} the training class where they explain the proper uses of the karma
} keys?  You see, those keys aren't really connected to the computer
} (unless you're a really twisted individual.)  They are actually an
} interface to the local karma web, and if you don't know what you're
} doing, you can really mess up your karma, and that of those nearby.
} For example, the "stop" key by itself introduces a bug somewhere in
} your work.  It's a little too much for this mail to explain the whole
} thing, so you should ask your local sysadmin for help programming your
} karma.  However, go ahead and hit "Props" all you like, since that
} merely gives respect to the Trimurti.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest Sun workstation.


1255-10    (1eik3 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle,
>
> They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.  I tried this when my
> mom took me to the doctor for a blood test today, but apparently it
> doesn't keep the nurse away - she just took a bite out of the apple
> and set it aside, then gave me the test anyhow!
>
> Am I using the wrong breed of apple, or do I just need to throw it
> harder?  Also, do you think coconuts would work better, or maybe those
> four-inch ice cubes they use to keep drinks cool at outdoor parties?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is that a grannysmith you're using? Perhaps you never saw this handout:
}
} KEEPING DOCTORS AWAY
} ======= ======= ====
} DISCIPLINE                | PREFERRED APPLE TYPE
} Law (J.D.)                | Grannysmith or Golden Delicious
}
} Internal Medicine,        | Red Delicious
} Physician's Assistants,   | (note: this only works
} Nurses, etc. (MD, DO, PA) | on nurses with doctorates)
}
} Psychiatry                | (use navel oranges)
}
} Dentistry, Orthodontics,  | anything except caramel
} Oral Surgery              | and candy apples
} (DMD, DDS, etc)           |
}
} Engineering, Science      | Macintosh
} (Ph. D)                   |
}
} Education                 | n/a (teachers like apples)
}
} Everyone                  | Rotten (includes non-doctors)
}
} You owe the Oracle NO MORE CAVITIES.


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