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Internet Oracularities #1256

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Internet Oracularities #1256    (53 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 01 Apr 2002 17:25:54 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1256
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1256  53 votes 48ej8 di994 cal46 3bmc5 2ejc6 4dek2 5did4 24li8 1elg1 97p66
1256  3.0 mean  3.4   2.5   2.7   3.1   3.1   3.1   3.0   3.5   3.0   2.9


1256-01    (48ej8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I quit smoking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Step out from under the magnifying glass.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ant farm.


1256-02    (di994 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>          ~~~~~~@                                  @~~~~~~
>
>                    ~~~~~~@              @~~~~~~
>
>                              @~~~~~~@
>                              (oops..)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those that live by the "til, de" by the til...


1256-03    (cal46 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle:
> What makes Wendy's hamburgers "old fashioned" as opposed to the
> presumably new fangled hamburgers at McDonalds and Burger King?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They kill the cows on site. Ever notice how their 'catsup'
} tends to coagulate on the fries?


1256-04    (3bmc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You claimed all this time that you would die for me. Why then are you so
> surprised when you hear your own eulogy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bloomington, Indiana(AP): FLASH -- INTERNET ORACLE DEAD --
}
} The Internet Oracle, the Immortal who always aided mankind even
} after most other deities had left The Earth was found dead in a
} seedy CS subbasement today apparently the victim of foul play. The
} intellgensia of the world was gripped with sorrow at the news.
} People using USENET on the other hand seemed more interested in
} arguing about spelling errors and Hitler.
}
} Temple Spokesperson Zadoc was telling reporters, "Everything is
} under control, I am in charge now" even as small arms fire could be
} heard in the background and reports of violent coups and counter
} coups filtered out of The Temple proper. Lisa, the significant other
} of The Oracle, could not be reached for comment as she was overcome
} with grief and hastily flew to Las Vegas,NV to mourn and to pawn
} off a Lear jet load of negotiable bonds and precious gems.
}
} Early reports indicate the death may be the work of a shadowy group
} of marmot terrorists. A local college radio station received a phone
} call shortly after the attack. The call, a series of high pitched
} chattering sounds, has been interpreted by some as an attempt by
} the marmots to take claim for this tragedy.
}
} Deities both great and small expressed shock. Athena wept openly
} saying, "Boo-hoo, Boo-hoo. Waaa." Odin said, "I could see this
} coming with one eyed tied behind my back." Yahweh could not be
} reached for comment, but his office released a statement that He
} might be holding a press conference at noon tomorrow. Or maybe the
} day after that. Or maybe even never.
}
}                          + + + + + + + +
}
} Hee, hee, the Oracle has always wanted to write that.  Thank you
} for the chance supplicant.


1256-05    (2ejc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, where, oh, where has my Oracle gone?
> Oh, where, oh, where can he be?
> With his wisdom so short and his omniscience so long,
> Oh, where, oh, where is he?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Here I am." Oracle said quietly as he stepped from the shadows. "You
} can stop singing that ridiculous song now."
}
} "Oh, -there- you are, my widdle Oracle!"
}
} Oracle grimaced. Will that supplicant never learn? "Have you ever
} stopped to wonder -why- I might want to disappear?"
}
} "Awww, does widdle Orrie wanna pway hide-and-seek?"
}
} "DAMMIT! WILL YOU QUIT WITH THE BABY TALK? Why do you insist on
} treating me like an infant? I'm older than you by about six millenia. I
} have gray hairs older than you! So what's with the babbling?"
}
} The supplicant paused, obviously hurt. Good. "But I just wuv... um,
} love you so much! You're the center of my universe! Is that so wrong,
} to want to be with you?"
}
} "Not at all. Lots of people feel that way. Why, there's this one
} supplicant in Des Moines..." Oracle saw the supplicant's eyes widening
} in panic, and immediately changed direction: "...who loves her cat so
} much that the cat ran away out of shame. That's how I feel sometimes.
} It's embarrassing to be called 'widdle Orrie' at an IRS audit. It's
} embarrassing to have to respond to a "will passenger 'Orrie-Porrie
} pudding and pie' please pick up the white courtesy phone" page at the
} airport.
}
} "But... but..." Storm clouds were brewing on the horizon, but Oracle
} was in too deep to back down now.
}
} "And the police are starting to ask questions about all the untimely
} accidents the other supplicants are having."
}
} "Well they deserved it! Imagine ME having to wait in the queue while
} you dally about with some wh*r* in Cleveland who wants to know what's
} causing her rash! Why should I have to settle for 'the Oracle is
} pondering your question" when I can see through the window that you're
} right there by the terminal..." The supplicant realized the blunder,
} too late.
}
} "So you -have- been watching me." It wasn't a question."You know that
} violates the restraining order."
}
} "But... but... but I LOVE you!"
}
} The detective stepped out of the same shadow that Oracle had emerged
} from, followed by two uniformed officers. "I think we've heard enough,
} Mr. Oracle. We'll take it from here."
}
} "Thanks. I hate to drag the law into this, but..."
}
} "That's our job. It's just a shame that some people get so involved
} they end up like this." The detective waved in the direction of the
} supplicant being led away in handcuffs. "I don't envy you, Mr. Oracle.
} How many does that make now?"
}
} "Too many," Oracle sighed. "Well, I have to go - I have to catch a
} plane to Des Moines."
}
} "You know, Oracle," the detective's tone was more stern now. "some
} people might think you were actually encouraging this kind of thing."
}
} Oracle paused briefly, considering the idea. "Imagine that."


1256-06    (4dek2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, star of stage, screen, and fantasies both adventurous
> and sexual, please answer my question:
>
> Which should take priority in my life, career or family? (I'm not one
> of the fortunate few whose career is being part of a family.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant, I thank you.
}
} All day long I answer deep and philosophical questions about
} woodchucks, questions like "why?", and random other injoke type things
} that will cease being funny in 2038.
}
} Career or family you ask?
}
} Trivial.
}
} Career.
}
} Families are a waste of time and emotion, and the sooner you get
} around to not having one, the happier you will be.
}
} Frankly, do you really want to wake up every morning to the same
} person when you could wake up to a queen size bed that nobody is
} hogging any part of?
}
} Do you want to be responsible for the care and feeding of little
} parasites who will be ingrateful their entire lives and shuffle you off
} to the cheapest old age home that will take their overmaxed Visa card?
}
} But don't trust my opinion on this - ask your parents, or other folks
} who have a good 20-40 years on you: Any one of them will tell you
} with regret of all the nights they could have worked unpaid overtime
} and didn't - all the weekends they should have been at work but hung
} around the house with their family or went to little league soccer
} or baseball games - all the firsts in their childs lives they could
} just as easily have skipped or heard about from the day care staff.
}
} Yes indeed, sorry is the man or woman who believes that family is
} more important than career. File for divorce, insist that your spouse
} take custody of the kids - it's better for everyone involved if you
} get it over with now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a heart attack by the time you are 40.  (If you
} are over 40, toss in a stroke while you are at it - it's not like
} you got a prayer of starting a family at your age anyways.)


1256-07    (5did4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and imposing Oracle, I am your unmitigated and decomposing
> supplicant.  Once again, I try not to annoy you with woodchuck
> questions while asking you how to get my disreputable life back in
> order.
>
> My house has filled up with old violins. They are in the way
> everywhere. I am thinking of just chucking them out the window, rather
> than setting them on fire where they are. There are two parts to my
> question:
>
>   1. Which is the better method, the fire or the window? How many can
>      I get rid of per hour, each way?
>
>   2. What is the likelyhood that any of the ones labelled "Antonius
>      Stradivarius facit 1735" are worth anything? Various others just
>      say "Stradivarious". What about them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.) Although the window is slower, it is less likely to destroy
} your house.  Invite someone you hate over for lunch and make sure
} s/he is standing underneath your chosen window.
} 2.) Keep one of the violins labeled "Antonius Stradivarius facit 1735"
} and destroy the rest.  This will increase the value of your own,
} which you can then sell on eBay for, I dunno, a LOT.
} The violins that just say "Stradivarious" are in fact trumpets, and
} probably say "Bach Stradivarius" on them.  You cannot burn these.
} I suggest offering them to people. Anyone who takes them should
} never breed. (Of course, a trumpet player has built in birth control ;)


1256-08    (24li8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most divinely inspired Oracle, crown jewel of the brainy and
> far-seeing beings, sayer of sooths and seer of visions, please tell me:
>
> What will the Internet be like 100 years from now? 500? 1000?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By 2102, the Internet has developed its own immune system,
} enabling it to obliterate AOL-Time-Warner-Toyota-Texas
} Instruments-Steinway-Nike-Microsoft, Inc by engulfing the
} megacorp's headquarters in a toxic cloud of spam. Unfortunately,
} this prevents the company's imminent release of Internet Explorer
} v. 457.0. According to company spokepersons, the browser would
} have represented a "major breakthrough" for the company in that
} it was "nearly 100% compliant" with CSS1 specifications.
}
} An emergency team of psychiatrists is assembled in 2602 to assist
} the Internet through a time of great personal crisis. After a
} long series of probing web searches, the team deliberates upon
} the problem for a period of eight days. Their diagnosis: the
} Internet has developed a persecution complex due to the
} extraordinary demands placed upon it by humans. "They're all
} users," sobs the distraught network. "They want me to be their
} mailman, their teacher ... even their lover! But do I ever get
} anything in return?" Thousands of Prozac capsules are scanned,
} converted to GIF images, and FTP'ed to strategic nodes, improving
} the Internet's mood. The treatment has its side effects, however:
} access to adult web sites becomes sluggish and sometimes does not
} work at all.
}
} 3002 is a dark year for network administrators. A shift of the
} earth's magnetic poles wipes out all magnetic storage devices. A
} heroic attempt at data recovery is attempted; however, it soon
} becomes clear the attempt is doomed to failure -- the Internet
} has been erased. Markets crash, goods and services become scarce,
} and civilization grinds to a halt. Fortunately, doubleclick.net
} comes to the rescue, and within three weeks the world's entire
} array of magnetic storage devices are once again filled with
} colorful, animated banner ads.


1256-09    (1elg1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh Grea't Oracle whom has perfect spelling n grammur never with runon
> sentences why cant peoples like my teacher's spell?????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tragically enough, the Internet itself is the reason.
} The Internet has been breaking down good English
} grammar even since the one great disaster... a single
} person not understanding what he has unleashed...
}
} Yes, it is the terror of the...
}
} it's almost too horrible to type...
}
} CHAT ROOM.
}
} Aiee! The horror! Because of what a chat room
} is, punctuation, capitalization, and spelling
} are punished. It's rules of "the fastest typist
} gets to say something" punish those who go
} back to fix errors...
}
} nd henc bad grammre spelling + punktuatn develip
}
} This is also why acronyms are so prevalent. It's
} faster to type "AFAIK" than "As far as I know,"
} AFAIK. Acronyms CBO, making the chat CI for all those
} ETSF who DTWSS.
}
} So give your spelling teacher some credit! She has a
} hard job.
}
} You owe the oracle your report card so I can point
} and laugh at your English grade.


1256-10    (97p66 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pika?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boo.


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