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Internet Oracularities #1257

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1257, 1257-01, 1257-02, 1257-03, 1257-04, 1257-05, 1257-06, 1257-07, 1257-08, 1257-09, 1257-10


Internet Oracularities #1257    (47 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 08 Apr 2002 12:50:49 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1257
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1257  47 votes 2aig1 5cjb0 2aig1 9fi32 1bi7a 9ak80 68ka3 37eda 5gf92 aan40
1257  2.9 mean  3.1   2.8   3.1   2.4   3.3   2.6   2.9   3.4   2.7   2.4


1257-01    (2aig1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the true meaning of wife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scraping away at your own sternum with a dull spoon so she won't have
} to break a nail when she plunges the blade into your heart.
}
} [Please excuse us.  Sometimes Zadoc gets us an incaration of the Oracle
} who has, well, issues.  His Omniscience is currently busy having tea
} with the Queen Mum and Elvis, so you'll have to settle for someone a
} little, sedate.]
}
} A wife is a partner of your life who happens to be female.
}
} [Apolgies again, seems the first time we sent that message it put the
} carrying internet routers into 'sleep mode'.  Here' something a little
} more lively from our bargain basement.]
}
} To wuve and to be wuved witout wimits.  To weave your trust in good
} wong friendships, to wive up to your ponteniow, to accept good wuck
} wiwwingwy, and weave each pwace better after you've weft.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Tao of Elmer Fudd."


1257-02    (5cjb0 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Damn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A history of cursing.
}
} Cursing was discovered when one caveman dropped a rock on the foot of
} a friend of his.  The friend screamed in pain, a noise which pleased
} the first caveman very much.  So the little sadist dropped another
} rock on the friends other foot.  At that point, the ex-friend beat
} the rock-dropper to death.
}
}   Societies have always assigned words which describe thoughts
} unpleasant to them to the role of cursing.  Most of the world uses
} curse words which describe excretement, poorly performed intercourse,
} and unimaginable pain.  And there's a little tribe somewhere in the
} pacific whose best curse word is their word for "psychologist."
}
} You owe the oracle a decent smut-rag


1257-03    (2aig1 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, with a brain as large as they come...
>
> Why do Mosqitoes exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mosquitos are actually fighter craft of a tiny alien race that is bent
} on conquering Earth. They are launched from tiny aircraft carriers that
} look like dragonflies. The sting of a mosquito bite is actually a
} targeting laser that is supposed to guide a smart bomb that will
} obliterate you. Luckily for you, the tiny alien version of the "Daisy
} Cutter" bomb is about equivalent to a ruptured pimple in destructive
} power.
}
} You owe the Oracle a S.A.M. (Swat At Mosquito) launcher.


1257-04    (9fi32 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So what WAS the word?
}
} QINOZXPJNF is NOT a real word! You can't use made up words in Hangman!!
}
} You owe the Oracle another game.


1257-05    (1bi7a dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a Debian Linux geek. I admit it. A week ago, under some strange
> force commanding me to waste hard drive space, I ran the following
> command:
>
> apt-get install fortune
>
> Now Debbie N. (that's what I named her) talks to me every day. She
> floats around in my taskbar and gives me fortunes.
>
> My artistic talents are good today. Rob a museum.
>
> Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on me.
>
> But I need to break up with her, she's just a fish (a software fish)
> and I already have a girlfriend who I like better. <sniff>
>
> And if you don't know what Debian Linux is, you're not the true oracle.
>
> 73's!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A dimly lighted Italian resturaunt sits on a quiet street. A couple is
} seated at a table near the window. The man glances up at his date, a
} striking brunette of almost ethereal beauty, clad in a resplendant
} crimson gown. She seems to almost glitter. He lifts a glass of white
} wine to his lips.
}
} "I'm glad you could make it tonight. We have quite a bit to talk
} about," he says cautiously.
}
} The waiter glides by with a pitcher of water for the elderly couple in
} the corner.
}
} "You know, Debbie, I- .. uh, ... I've been thinking a lot about our
} relationship." He stammers, his glass shaking in his hand. He licks his
} lips, trying to find the words. "I don't think we should see each other
} anymore. There, I said it."
}
} The girl sits quietly in her simmering aura.
}
} The man waits expectantly, his glass still hovering just in front of
} his lips.
}
} "Well," he says finally, "Aren't you going to say anything?"
}
} Debbie shifts elegantly in her chair, and says, "It is better to travel
} hopefully than to fly Continental."
}
} There is a pause, as he thinks about what she just said.
}
} "What?" he finally manages.
}
} "Disks travel in packs," she replies, a sly smile playing across her
} impeccable face.
}
} "Disks? What disks? I'm talking about our relationship," he blurts out,
} setting down his wine angrily. "I'm trying to tell you as gently as
} possible that I cannot see you anymore because I'm seeing someone
} else."
}
} "You will engage in a profitable business activity," she says.
}
} As she reaches for her fork, he takes her hand. "Please don't make this
} any harder than it has to be."
}
} He sits back in his chair..
}
} "I thought I was in love with you," he starts. "I--"
}
} But she cuts him off to say, "Your stamina is no match for your
} marigolds."
}
} "My marigolds? What are you talking about?"
}
} "Bees don't get arthritis."
}
} "Yes, arthritis. Fine." He motions to the waiter.
}
} "Yes, sir?" asks the waiter, when he approaches.
}
} "I'd like another glass of wine. Would you like one too, Debbie?"
}
} "186 thousand miles per second: it's not just a good idea, it's the
} law."
}
} "Yes, she will have one too."
}
} "Very well," says the waiter, seemingly unperturbed.
}
} "Now, Debbie," the man starts, "Usually when I ask you something, you
} come up with something very insightful to say. But tonight, you're not
} making any sense."
}
} "Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines," she explains.
}
} "Indeed they do not. But we were talking about our relationship. I just
} can't go on like this. My girlfriend is bound to find out. What do you
} have to say to that?"
}
} "The curtains don't match the couch," she says, the smile leaving her
} lips.
}
} "Well, then, I guess this is goodbye. Thanks, it was good while it
} lasted."
}
} Debbie looks down at her lap, a tear forming in her eye. "Fortune not
} found," she manages.
}
} You owe the Oracle three bottles of Pinot Grigio wine.


1257-06    (9ak80 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get my Windows modem to work with Red Hat Linux 7.2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, labor trouble on the backplane. I have to explain a few things
} about this before I offer a solution to your problem.
}
} See, here's the problem: while labor unions in general are a good
} thing, the Brotherhood of Telecom Components is a pretty ornery one,
} and Local 311 (the WinModem local) is widely known to have ties to
} a crime syndicate in Seattle, and the family boss, Guglielmo Porti
} (not to mention his consigliere Stefano Pallamari) is one of the
} nastiest out there.  Now, nobody in local 311 talks about this, but
} Porti takes a rather *ahem* personal interest in this particular local.
}
} Of course, the real sneaky thing about Local 311 is that all their
} collective bargaining agreements require their employers to hire
} someone else (always from the Fenestrator's Union) to do their work
} for them. I've heard what happens if you don't use one of the guys
} from FensU; if you're lucky, nothing happens.  If you're not, a couple
} of big mobos named Andy and Vito Via will come around to do business
} and if you have the nerve to flip 'em the bird (a penguin of course)
} you might wind up getting your box kneecapped or worse.
}
} Youse takes youse chances when dealing with these guys. I recommend
} going with the scab crew from the Lucent agency; they don't make
} much money for themselves, but they'll do business with just about
} anybody if you know how to talk to them (which I'm pretty certain
} they do down in North Carolina).
}
} You owe the Oracle fifty large, at 25% interest compounded daily.


1257-07    (68ka3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, hello?  Uhhh, d'ya want fries with that or something?  Huh huh huh
> - thank you, drive through.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That line and a degree in Liberal Studies will get you a job.


1257-08    (37eda dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So about a year ago I was looking up the address of a friend of mine,
> and it showed up on MapQuest just fine. This year, I enter the same
> address (as I'm arriving from a different starting point) and the
> address is no longer there? What happened? Did the street just go away?
> Please help me with this quandry oh, Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PRESS RELEASE
}
} MapQuest Using Dynamic New Technology To Combat Forces of Good
}
} Apr, 3 2002 -- April 3, 2002 - Dulles, VA - MapQuest Inc., the world's
} leading online mapping, routing and global location services company,
} has announced its exciting new partnership with Satan, the world's
} leading adversary of God and lord of evil.
}
} "Offering our users the opportunity to see whether a Denny's restaurant
} was located near their route just wasn't providing enough revenue
} to sustain our business," said MapQuest spokesperson Ima Shill,
} "probably because the food at Denny's tastes like masking tape. So we
} sought a partnership that would create a more broad-based marketing
} opportunity, and Satan was the natural choice."
}
} Shill explained that MapQuest is teaming up with the Prince of Darkness
} to provide It with improved new Forces-of-Good-combatting services.
} When a MapQuest user -- "Alice" -- who also happens to be a Good person
} uses MapQuest's innovative Web site to obtain driving directions
} to the home of a friend, "Bob", MapQuest's servers immediately
} transmit Bob's address to the Archfiend, who then uses proprietary
} property-vaporizing technology to turn Bob's house, with Bob inside
} it, into a puff of smoke. In the meantime, Alice is kept alive so
} that she can be used to identify more Good people.
}
} "We are leveraging this partnership to improve the accuracy of our
} geographical database," said Shill, "since whenever Satan decides to
} eradicate a certain location, our software knows about it right away
} and can update the database to reflect that. All users benefit from
} the more accurate queries that result."
}
} For the more technically minded reader, the technology for
} distinguishing Good MapQuest users from those who are Evil or merely
} Indifferent is based on the HTTP protocol that underlies the Web.
} Whenever a user makes a request on the MapQuest site, MapQuest's
} servers inspect the "User-Agent" field of the request's HTTP header.
} The "User-Agent" field contains a string that uniquely identifies
} the Web browser that was used to send the request. If this string
} represents any version of Microsoft Internet Explorer(tm), the user is
} determined to be Evil. If it represents any version of Netscape(tm)
} or another proprietary browser not produced by Microsoft, the user
} is determined to be Indifferent. If it represents Mozilla, Lynx,
} or another open-source browser, the user is determined to be Good,
} and her friend is consequently destroyed with all the vengeance of
} Beelzebub and Its minions.
}
} "Satan found this scheme to be quite satisfactory, due to its low
} false-positive rate," said Shill. "Since so few people use open-source
} software, those who do are very likely to be interested in advancing
} the forces of Good. Satan was very concerned that this technology
} should only destroy Good people, while leaving Evil and Indifferent
} individuals to continue their happy lives of molesting children,
} kicking puppies, and shopping at Wal-Mart."
}
} When asked why the technology destroys the friends of a person
} identified as Good, rather than the Good person himself, Shill
} explained that scientific studies show that friends of Good people
} are extremely likely to be Good themselves. Moreover, since Good
} people tend to have few friends, the technology quickly succeeds in
} eradicating a given Good person's entire group of friends.
}
} "The only thing that pleases Satan more than making Good people eat
} flaming death is sitting back and relaxing while Good people kill
} themselves due to a lack of sympathetic companions," Shill noted.
}
} If your business is interested in harnessing the power of MapQuest
} to advance the forces of Evil, email info@mapquest.com or call
} 1-800-U-SO-EVIL. Denny's need not apply.
}
} MapQuest is a wholly owned subsidiary of America Online, Inc --
} "We were evil before it was cool to be evil."


1257-09    (5gf92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you care for some toast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you have stumbled on to the abandoned script for the upcoming
} 20th James bond film, Breakfast to Kill.  The evil, but strangely
} appealing villain, "Flakes" O'Bran plans to take over the world by
} placing hypnotic drugs in the breakfast cereals of the major nations.
}
} The scene to which you are referring takes place in a small diner in
} the most unlikely of Bond settings, the rural Midwest.  Bond has a
} clandestine meeting with the lovely but deadly villianess known simply
} as "Yes".
}
} [Bond is dining on Frosted Flakes]
}
} Yes: Would you care for some toast?
}
} Bond: Do you serve it with asparagus?
}
} Yes: Only on Sundays.
}
} [The pass code having been exchanged, the meeting may now commence]
}
} Bond: Did you bring it?
}
} Yes: I have it.
}
} Bond: May I see it?
}
} Yes: No
}
} ...and so on for a good ten minutes.
}
} As you can plainly see, the script did not meet with the high standards
} of previous installments of the series.  The most notable action
} elements of the film:
}
} - A bank heist perpetrated by several cereal ad characters (foiled by
} former military officer Gen. Mills Cereals, and then ironically tossed
} out because of a lawsuit from the Pillsbury subsidiary Genreal Mills
} Cereals). - Bond's car ejects Cream o'Wheat to escape an exciting car
} chase. - O'Bran's right hand man, Eggs Overeasy, traps Bond in a huge
} oven (followed by the memorable line..."now you're bacon."
}
} Even after it was suggested that the world's supply toast should
} explode into fragments of razor sharp croutons, studio execs balked at
} the idea. They later settled on another script altogether, A Beef with
} Evil.
}
} You owe the Oracle a breakfast cereal based upon my likeness.


1257-10    (aan40 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hi my oracle server is not working do you know why can you tell me i
> need to know????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Supplicant, we've been getting many complaints lateley for
} the new Teflex Brand, Non-Stick Oracle Servers. We apologize for
} any inconvenience this has caused. At this time there are no user
} servicable parts on the Teflex Brand Oracle Server. To compensate,
} Oracle Dishware Corp. will send you a replacement at no cost.
} We appreciate your business and hope that you continue to use our
} products.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cooking spray, a "Kiss the Oracle" apron,
} and Betty Crocker's Guide to cooking usenet services.


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