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Internet Oracularities #1259

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1259, 1259-01, 1259-02, 1259-03, 1259-04, 1259-05, 1259-06, 1259-07, 1259-08, 1259-09, 1259-10


Internet Oracularities #1259    (51 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 24 Apr 2002 16:26:18 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1259
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1259  51 votes 26eib 9he92 4chc6 1ahe9 6ehb3 19oc5 07fef 5dn91 298kc 8fk71
1259  3.1 mean  3.6   2.6   3.1   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.7   2.8   3.6   2.6


1259-01    (26eib dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um.. Hi Orrie,
>
> In a moment of thoughtlessness I just sent in a rather, um.... personal
> TellMe to you.
>
> I has wondering whether you could just return it to me? I don't really
> want to run the risk of someone smart ass putting together a great
> answer and then it appearing in the Ocularities for all to see.
>
> Is that ok?
>
> Rob

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing, boss.
}
} > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} > > Dear Oracle,
} > >
} > > I seem to have abducted by aliens. They plan doing some
} > > reproductive tests on me with an alien female. This has me
} > > concerned about my size, as I am far below average, and I don't
} > > want to misrepresent the human race. What should I do?


1259-02    (9he92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise!
>
> Which questions do you want to answer today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Which questions do you want to answer today?"
}
} You owe the Oracle owing him something.


1259-03    (4chc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As poorly qualified as I am to defy The Internet Oracle, I hope you
> will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And
> please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must place blame where
> it belongs -- in the hands of The Internet Oracle and its subhuman
> peons. Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar
> theme of my previous letters: We must reach out to people with the
> message that The Internet Oracle's musings are a blatantly obvious and
> cleverly orchestrated script, carefully concocted to intensify race
> hatred. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must
> inspire them. And we must encourage them to shoo it away like the
> annoying bug that it is. Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are honestly
> the lowest form of human life, as evidenced by the way that The
> Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it,
> is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with
> misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are
> occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.
>
> We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We
> must overcome the fear that The Internet Oracle will incite racial
> hatred. And to overcome these fears, we must shatter the adage that
> society is screaming for The Internet Oracle's politics. Because a
> great many decent people are just as distressed as I am about The
> Internet Oracle's sentiments, it therefore stands to reason that I
> doubtlessly hope that the truth will prevail and that justice will be
> served before The Internet Oracle does any real damage. Or is it
> already too late? The answer is not obvious, because The Internet
> Oracle says that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. That's a
> stupid thing to say. It's like saying that twisted primates make the
> best scout leaders and schoolteachers. But there I go again, claiming
> that The Internet Oracle insists that the sky is falling. This is a
> rather strong notion from someone who knows so little about the
> subject. Until we address this issue, we will never move beyond it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is feedback from an Oracle Priest, you anonymity will not been
} compromised, unless we feel like it, in which case, we'll post your
} name, email address, home address, telephone number, and shoe size to
} RHOD for public mocking.
}
} I would like to refute your points in order.
}
} 1) The Oracle's peons are not subhuman.  Each Priest has five fingers
} and toes... except Mark Nolan, but we don't let him out much.
}
} 2) The Oracle's musing are not a blatant and cleverly orchestrated
} script. I defy you to find anything clever in the last digest.
}
} 3) Goofy, self-satisfied cutthroats are not the lowest form of human
} life. Woodchucks are.
}
} 4) "The Internet Oracle's latest manifesto, like all the ones that
} preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing
} teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies..."  Okay, I'll give you
} that.
}
} 5) "...but certainly not informative."  Wrong!  They are highly
} informative. Tim Chew has been following the Oracle advise for years,
} and he has just been able to upgrade to a double wide.
}
} 6) "we must shatter the adage that society is screaming for The
} Internet Oracle's politics."  Then what is all that screaming about
} then?  That's all we ever hear at the temple.  Screaming, screaming,
} screaming.  Oh wait, Ross is just playing his Linkin Park CDs too loud
} again.
}
} Maybe that's what the problem's been all along.  We'll get Ross to play
} something else.
}
} You owe the Priesthood some Air Supply albums.


1259-04    (1ahe9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and shocking Oracle,
>
> I've just finished my system for Electricity-over-email, and I figure
> it's going to revolutionise the world.
> I've enclosed a few kilowatts so you can take a look. Will it be as
> popular as I hoped?
>
> <<Electricity1.zap>>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 feet of LAN cable, a PCMCIA 10 Base T Ethernet
} card, a Toshiba Satellite 1715 XCDS motherboard and chipset and burn
} unit medical expenses.


1259-05    (6ehb3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have you been?  I've been looking for you and couldn't
> find you.  Was your e-mail broken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, may you ask.
} This is the tale of my plight.
} I started my journey in a conversion van with my partners, Mee and
} Yoo, and a dog named Boo. We traveled and lived off the land for a
} few years until we got to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. There, we bought a
} huge tract of land and opened a lobster farm. Didn't last too long,
} though, since we soon found out that lobsters tend to smell funny
} if you leave them in the barn overnight.  After we sold the farm
} for a huge sum of Canadian money (which, after the exchange rate,
} only turned out to be $1.94 American) I ditched my partners so I
} could go to India and break into show business. I got as far as North
} Carolina before being kidnapped by an anthropomorphic bear, pig, frog,
} and giant yellow bird. After several hours of torture and bad French,
} I told them how to get to Sesame Street and agreed to join them in
} their plot to... uhmmm... do away with a certain little red monster
} who lived there.  The plan went awry, however, after we were force-fed
} cookies and made to sing "One of These Things is Not Like the Other"
} in the midst of a counting-induced thunderstorm.
} So, no, gentle supplicant, my email has not been broken. My will
} has been. I have spent the last 2 years under the alias "Mr. Noodle."
} They have not allowed me to speak, see my family, or do anything
} but annoying pratfalls to amuse 3-year-old children who don't know
} any better. I've finally had the chance to escape and tell my story
} to you after finding a portal in a trashcan around the corner from
} the Fix-It Shop. Please, help me get out of....
} HEY! WHAT YOU DOING?!? ELMO NOT LIKE THIS! GET BACK TO WORK, MR.
} NOODLE! MR.  NOODLE IS BEING A BAD BOY!!! NO DINNER FOR MR.
} NOODLE THIS WEEK!
} Ooops... heeeheeheeeheee... Elmo sorry for yelling. Mr. Oracle--- er...
} Noodle can't talk to the supplicant right now. Mr. Noodle's email
} is broken.  Byebye, kids! Hahahahaheeeeheeeheeehee!


1259-06    (19oc5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Magnificient one, you always cross your eyes and dot your
> teas, because you are very regular.  Can you help me achieve
> immolation? Or was that enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not easy being a moth, is it?


1259-07    (07fef dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Vast and Wise Oracle Who is Worthy of Many Other Things That Can Be
> Capitalized:
> Why was the CAPS LOCK key invented? It seems that its only purpose is
> to make people sound like drunken idiots in their Internet
> correspondence. Is that all there is to it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wise question, supplicant.
}
} In the earliest days of computing, all the worlds programmers had to
} gather around the one or two computers that existed and take turns.
} They often died of old age while waiting for a shot, hence the term
} 'terminals'.
}
} Anyway, a great jest amongst these gangs of bored programmers (for they
} were known for their great wit) was to sneak up behind the person whose
} turn it was to use the terminal and steal his hat.  History does not
} mention the sort of hats favoured by the programmers, but we shall for
} the sake of argument deem them to be of one of the broad-brimmed
} varieties.  The poor programmer would them have to choose between
} letting his persecutor flee with his headgear, or risk losing his turn
} at the terminal to give chase.
}
} When the problem became so bad that nobody to get any work done (this
} was before the Internet when computers were there to do work on),
} everyone become very frustrated. Stacks of card were even kept nearby
} to give the angry techies something to punch.
}
} Eventually, a wise sysop (for there be no other kind) invented a device
} to stop the hat-stealing problem, the cap lock.  To ensure nobody would
} end up with headgear they could not remove, the key to this lock was
} made part of the terminal where it could not be lost.  Other than a few
} design flaws (it squashed the brim of the hat such that it covered the
} programmers ears, making him shout all the time) the cap lock was good,
} and was soon available on all machines.
}
} Over the years since, computers have become more prevalent, and with
} enough computers to go around the hat-stealing problem is no more.  The
} key remains on each and every keyboard though as testament to the firm
} traditions on which computing is built.  Sometimes people even indulge
} in ceremonial SHOUTING to remind us all of the initial design flaws, or
} perhaps they're just lacking some cards to punch.
}
} Oh, and for the record many people are drunken idiots.  And that's all
} there is to it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new hat, preferrably of the broad-brimmed variety.


1259-08    (5dn91 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I make my gorgeous next-door neighbour desire me? She is
> beautiful, intelligent and married to a man who sells oil wells for a
> living; I am short, hideous, skint and with no personality. What should
> I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I suggest creative falsification combined, perhaps, with a regimen of
} plastic surgery and beverages with liberal quantites of ethyl alcohol
} in them.  If you want a more MORAL way of doing it, that's a seperate
} question and will require a seperate fee.
}
} You owe the Oracle her phone number.


1259-09    (298kc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Serious, Diligent and Hardworking Oracle,
>
> What would be a good start up business for a cave troll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle-Earth - Eriador - Shire - Hobbit Abatement
}
} Healthy young orcs, trolls and uruk-hai needed!
}
} Today SaruCom is the leader in the halfling abatement industry,
} servicing approximately 200,000 customers.  Our dynamic growth in the
} past year has created exciting career opportunities for upbeat,
} take-charge minions of evil who would like to join our winning team.
}
} Responsibilities will include wholesale destruction of hobbits, their
} nests and countryside, plus light data entry and telephone skills.
}
} Qualified candidates should be in good physical health, able to lift a
} minimum of 600 lb. and be willing to relocate.  Multi-tasking a must.
}
} SaruCom offers competitive compensation and benefits including medical,
} dental, vision, 401(k), stock purchase plan, life insurance, paid
} vacations and holidays, extended family medical leave, and the chance
} to revel in the blood of one's enemies.
}
} Salary: DOE
} Position type: Full-time
} Ref code: TOLK-JRR-3
}
} Please apply by palantir to:
} Bal Rogg
} brogg@sarucom.com
} SaruCom
} Orthanc, Isengard
} Rohan 2K3
}
} To see all SaruCom opportunities, please apply to monster.com.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent set of sequels.


1259-10    (8fk71 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh infinitely wise Internet Oracle, whose breath is the most strongly
> minty fresh of all the Oracles that are, have been, or ever will be in
> existence, guardian of several minor religions, as well as the Mystic
> Cheese of Fiery Cheesely Power and the Lightning Bolts of ZOT:
>
> Please tell me as much as you know about the Mozilla dragon -- its
> gender, taxonomic classification, natural habitat, employment, mating
> habits, diet, level of sentience, etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} gender:  E
} taxonomic classification:  mozilla mozilla (mozillaeidines)
} natural habitat:  where you are not looking
} employment:  not currently hiring
} mating habits:  not with you, but watch out
} diet:  worms
} level of sentience:  37
} etc.:  motd


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