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Internet Oracularities #126

Goto:
126, 126-01, 126-02, 126-03, 126-04, 126-05, 126-06, 126-07, 126-08, 126-09, 126-10


Usenet Oracularities #126    (17 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 20 Feb 90 02:13:46 GMT

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ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

126   17 votes 21446 16343 64241 12851 00656 034a0 15335 22a21 13661 32534
126   3.2 mean  3.6   3.1   2.4   3.2   4.0   3.4   3.4   2.9   3.2   3.2


126-01    (21446 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                  "Wish I had a decent book of quotes!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!!!  You were the only person to correctly answer the
} question posed by Me, the Oracle, in My annual "Stupid Irrelevant and
} Otherwise Obscure Questions That Only Someone Who Has Nothing Else
} Better to Do Could Possibly Hope To Answer" contest.  As you may
} recall, the question I asked this year was:
}
} "What was it that Will Rogers said to himself at the pub, on his
} twenty-first birthday, when he wanted so badly to hit on the hot babe
} sitting three tables to his left, but couldn't think of anything witty
} to say?"
}
} As you probably guessed, this incident spawned what was to be the
} greatest collection of quotes ever thought up by a single person.
} However, he never got the hot babe, which may have caused him to swing
} on the other side of the fence for a brief period, using pickup lines
} such as, "I never met a man I didn't like."
}
} Don Pardo, tell our contestant what he's won!
}
} Don> Well, contestant, you and a guest will spend two luxurious weeks
}      in the location of your choice!
}
} Audience> OOOOHHHHHH!
}
} Don> That's right, we will fly you anywhere in the world courtesy of
}      Oracle Temporal Air Lines.  Anywhere, anywhen, whether it's zero
}      A.D. in Bethlehem, or 2217 A.D. on the Mars colonies, Oracle
}      Temporal Air is the safest, most efficient way to go!
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> Of course, in order to save money, we sent you on your two
}         week vacation two weeks ago.  Hope you had a pleasant trip.
}         Although I don't understand why you chose spending the two
}         weeks at your parent's house watching reruns of Jeapordy when
}         you could have been someplace more entertaining.  Like Jim
}         Bakker's prison cell.
}
}         But wait! There's more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> That's right, Oracle.  Our champion has also won a one year
}      membership as a representative of the Oracular Circle, where he
}      can spend all of his time helping the Oracle ponder stupid
}      irrelevant and otherwise obscure questions that only a person who
}      has nothing else better to do could possibly hope to answer, like
}      "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could
}      chuck wood?" and "Can you set me up on a date with Lisa?", and
}      the ever popular variations of "Why am I not getting laid?  Is it
}      because I'm sitting at this stupid terminal when I should be
}      hitting on hot babes in bars with my catchy quotes?"
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> But wait!  There's still more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> er, um, hmm... uh, no.  no, there isn't.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> Don, what about the date with Lisa?
}
} Don (whisper)> Well, um, er, I just got done trying to set it up.  I
}                just about had it in the bag when she asked me what
}                the date was for.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> So, what did you tell her?
}
} Don (whisper)> I said she'd be going out with the Oracle contest
}                winner.
}
} Oracle (loud)> YOU DIDN'T!!
}
} Don (whisper)> I did.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> You know how she feels about quiz show geeks.
}
} Don (whisper)> I guess I do now.  She said she was washing her hair
}                every night this week, next week, the week after that,
}                and the week after that, ad nauseum, all the while
}                muttering something about not understanding how trivia
}                buffs can know so much about sex without knowing
}                anything about sex.  In any case, she's booked solid
}                for the next seventy-two years, and promised that she'd
}                go out with our winner if he were still alive by then.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> I don't suppose she'd buy it if we sent him seventy-
}                   two years into the future, huh?
}
} Don (whisper)> I don't suppose so.
}
} Oracle (whisper)> Shit.  Well, let's give him something else.  Maybe
}                   one of the consolation prizes.
}
} Don (whisper)> No problemo, big O.
}
} Oracle (loud)> But wait!  There's still more, isn't there, Don?
}
} Don> That's right, Oracle.  Our champion has also won a ten year
}      supply of Winky's cow paste!  Winky's, for all of your cow
}      paste needs.
}
} Audience> clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
}
} Oracle> Thank you, Don Pardo.  And to our champion, once again,
}         congratulations!


126-02    (16343 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the USSR agree to anything at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because hunger is the true enemy.
}
} The Oracle has looked into the lake of time and has seen the bear
} licking her paws clean of honey while the eagle builds a nest out of
} rubber bands and newspaper.
}
} You owe the Oracle five minutes of sober reflection.


126-03    (64241 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear O,
> IamrunningoutofmoneyonmyaccountandIneedtofindawaytospendless.SinceIask
> yousomanyquestionsIfigureawaytospendlesswouldbetosendshortermail
> messages.  I'm cnsdrng dng ths in 2 dffrnt wys.  1 wy wld be to nt use
> spcs whn I typ.  A scnd wy wld be to leav out unncssry vwls whn I typ.
> I cld cmbin ths 2 wys bt I thnk tht wld be too cnfsng.  Wht do you thnk
> & ar thr any bttr wys thn thes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, there are no consonants left in the puzzle.  You can either
} buy a vowel, or solve it.
}
} You owe the Oracle one bottle of asprin, and a batman decoder ring.


126-04    (12851 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where to all the words that scroll off the top of my terminal go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They wrap around the top of your terminal, slide down the back, and
} break into letters, which lie there in little heaps until someone comes
} to clean them up.  See all those little piles of dark stuff behind your
} terminal that you thought were roach droppings?  Now you know better.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of those little magnetic letters that go on
} refigerators


126-05    (00656 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I made some cookies the other day.  They were chocolate chip.  When I
> put them in the oven, the chips leaped out of the cookies, jumped onto
> the floor, and ran out of the house squeaking.  I had to eat the cookies
> without any chips.  They were terrible.  Why do you think this
> remarkable event occurred?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  Mutineering chocolate.
} Obviously they were trying to jump chip.


126-06    (034a0 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the British misspell words by adding extra u's?  (Words such as
> color, flavor, etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question was sent the the foriegn department of Oracleality in
} London.  Here is the response:
}
} We were soumewhat counfused at first by your questioun, as we could find
} no instance when the wourd 'etc' had extra 'u's, or for that matter, any
} 'u's in it at all!!!  Putting this aside, the foullowing quote may be of
} some help...
}
}            "Under normal driving counditions, the air cleaner
}            filter should be replaced in accourdance with the
}            maintenance schedule.  However, driving the vehicle in
}            dusty areas may cause moure rapid clogging of the element.
}            Consequently, the element may have to be replaced moure
}            frequently."
}
} ...although proubably no help for this particular question.
}
} All of the coumputers here in England were put to work for a 24 hour
} perioud on your questioun, yet we could find absolutely ZERO instances
} where any of our wourds have extra 'u's!!!!  Perhaps if you rephrase
} your question using the proper number of 'u's in the first place we can
} help you out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of vowels.


126-07    (15335 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does she keep playing with that worm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because she want to become like it.  There are several aspects to
} this, so there are a few signs you should look out for.  If you see
} any of these, you must make her stop:
}
} 1. She wants to live like one:
}
}   * She eats dirt.
}   * She digs herself into the ground.
}   * She closes her eyes to become blind.
}   * She can no longer tell the difference between forward and back.
}   * Final stage: she is cut in half, both part continue to live.
}     Soon, there are two of her.
}
} 2. She wants to be supple as one:
}
}   * She sits with her feet behind her neck, using them as a pillow.
}   * She bends back to bite her toenails.
}   * She bends forward to bite them, but with straight knees.
}   * She stands on one leg, lifts the other from behind till it points
}     straight up, then lifts her head and kisses her ancle.
}   * Final stage: her bones become soft, and she can only move along
}     the ground, twisting and curling.
}
} 3. She wants to become an Internet worm:
}
}   * She calls everyone and asks for the finger deamon.
}   * She writes strange letters, making the stupid postman do something
}     for her.
}   * She goes visiting all the neighbours to see if she can get in.  If
}     she does, she starts looking for hidden keys.
}   * She starts calling herself "sh".
}   * Final stage: she has tricked some neighbours into making clones of
}     herself, after having sent the DNA pattern in letters.  She is
}     starting to show up in more and more places.
}
} If you see any signs of #1 or #3, you must stop her immediately.  You
} may take a chance on #2, but don't let it get out of control.


126-08    (22a21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
>
>     I couldn't help noticing that if you scramble the letters in
>
>            THE USENET ORACLE
>
>     you get
>
>            LOSE THE TUNE RACE
>
>     In my home town each leap year on February 29th we hold a big tune
> race in which we pick one of Slim Whitman's Greatest Hits and we have a
> race to see who in the town can play it the fastest.  I have won the
> race for the past six years.  Are you asking me to throw the race in
> '92?  Do you have money on one of the other contestants?  This
> subliminal stuff just isn't going to work.  If you want me to throw the
> race, you'll have to offer me something and it better be good if I'm to
> lose the prestige accompanying the title of Slim, the fastest tuner in
> my town.  Nice try, though.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand...?
}
} See you up at the office.


126-09    (13661 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the famous song by long-haired Rod Stewart, "Every Picture Tells a
> Story," he sings the title at the very end, over and over.  Louder and
> louder.  In fact, so loud that I think it's *just possible* he's singing
> something else ENTIRELY!  This could be dangerous.  What are we to do
> about our children?  Who knows what this Stewart person is ACTUALLY
> saying?  Could be any form of ungodly heathen Babel babble!
>
> I've listened!  I *know*!  As near as I can figure out, here's what he's
> supposedly saying...
>
>         "Every picture tells a story, don't it?"
>
> And these are some of the things he insidiously *slips in*!...
>
>         "Arthur Treacher likes assorted donuts!"
>
>         "Every preacher tastes like hairy fish nuts!"
>
>         "Eva, pitch me up another Go-Bot!"
>
>         "Ayatollah put th'seiks on Rushdie!"
>
>         "I'm a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox!"
>
>
> Can anything be done to stop this, madman????
>
> (whoops, pardon the comma)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The actual lyrics are in fact "Take the skinheads bowling, wontcha?" Mr.
} Stewart's amazing ability to slur the lyrics to this song, in addition
} to the melody and rhythm, are the main factors in why his versionis more
} well known than the version done by Camper Van Bethoven.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better taste in music.


126-10    (32534 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You've been working too hard, O-man.  Why don't you ask ME a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK....
}
} How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood
} (and really wanted to, as well).


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