} PETEY'S PECKISH PYTHON PICKS PEPPY REPAST
} TOPEKA, KANSAS. After over three days of competition,
} the fifth annual National Lizard Kissing Contest came
} to a delirious and dramatic conclusion Monday evening!
} After judges removed defending champions Sally and her
} pet salamander Jonesy from the competition due to a
} rules violation related to their misuse of Super Glue
} brand lip gloss, only two couples remained: Ronnie and
} his pet gecko Billy, and Petey with his pet python
} After over a day of thrilling amphibious smooching,
} Ronnie and Billy were forced to leave the competition
} due to the dangerous increase in Billy's blood
} temperature. Unwilling to accept mere victory, Petey
} and Herbie decided to try for the world's record in
} lizard/human kissing!
} Going strong after fifty hours of reptilian
} osculation, the only impediment to beating the
} national record remaining was the simple difficulty of
} food! Herbie's sluggish metabolism held out only so
} long, but the judges refused to grant a brief reprieve
} for nourishment! Petey would not give up the siren's
} song of international renown, and waved off judges
} hoping to separate the pair!
} After a full 53 hours of toady smooching, Herbie could
} hold off his hunger no longer, and gave in to animal
} instincts! Kissing partner soon became eating fodder,
} as Petey's slim body began to disappear beneath the
} mighty python's slow, consumptive advance!
} Animal wardens were called into action to separate the
} slowly digesting owner from his ravenous pet, but with
} still-mobile arms Petey waved the zookeepers away,
} clearly hoping to last an extra fifteen minutes and
} gain entry into the Guiness Book of Records! His
} wishes respected, the wardens backed away, and the
} attention of the audience turned to the slowly ticking
} clock on the ballroom wall!
} With merely ten minutes remaining, Petey's hip
} remained visible! At five minutes, his knees peeked
} out from beneath Herbie's massive maw! At one minute,
} his ankles still held steady of their own strength!
} At zero seconds, the tips of his toes still peeked out
} beneath the tip of the python's forked tongue!
} Ticker tape rained from the ceiling and adoring fans
} rushed the floor to offer their robust congratulations
} to the victorious Herbie and the slowly pooling blood
} of his late owner! Celebrations continued late into
} the night!