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Internet Oracularities #1260

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1260, 1260-01, 1260-02, 1260-03, 1260-04, 1260-05, 1260-06, 1260-07, 1260-08, 1260-09, 1260-10


Internet Oracularities #1260    (57 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 01 May 2002 10:25:04 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1260
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1260  57 votes 1dle8 9hn71 21ajp 3bqc5 2emc7 24ajm 79ob6 5lj84 28mh8 24jjd
1260  3.3 mean  3.3   2.5   4.1   3.1   3.1   4.0   3.0   2.7   3.4   3.6


1260-01    (1dle8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Without pride I humble my wretched self before the Wise and Witty
> Oracle, may he be immortal twice as long as his peers,
>
> If you throw rice at weddings, what do you throw at divorces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Split peas.


1260-02    (9hn71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle of replies so vinegary,
> Of wit most divine yet sniggery,
> My word of the day,
> Prompts the question, if I may,
> From whence your love of amphigory?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to answer your question today
} In the most simply roundabout way?
} I could use some bad pun
} Or something much less fun,
} But I'd rather count, chide and turn away.
}
} Do you find yourself able to score
} In counting the way up to four?
} Because if you did,
} You'd see, like every kid
} That you've made some most grievous error.
}
} Perhaps you were feeling too hungry.
} But it's really just making me angry
} I'll point it out, click Send
} And just let you mend
} It's am-phig-or-y not am-phigg-ry.


1260-03    (21ajp dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Must all palindromes make sense, esne sekam semord,
> nilap llats um?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've asked my palindrome pal BOB here to help us answer your
} concern. . .
}
} Orrie: Bob, this year 2002 is itself a palindrome. What
}        could we buy to celebrate this year?
} BOB:   RACE CAR
}
} Orrie: What kind?
} BOB:   A TOYOTA'S A TOYOTA.
}
} Orrie: Any special reason?
} BOB:   A TOYOTA: RACE FAST, SAFE CAR: A TOYOTA.
}
} Orrie: Hmm, What if we can't afford a Toyota?
} BOB:   BORROW OR ROB.
}
} Orrie: Loki has a Toyota, didn't pay for it though...
} BOB:   HE WON A TOYOTA NOW, EH?
}
} Orrie: Stole it actually.
} BOB:   LIVE NOT ON EVIL DEED, LIVE NOT ON EVIL.
}
} Orrie: Erm, you just said to ROB though Bob. . .
} BOB:   REPEL EVIL AS A LIVE LEPER.
}
} Orrie: Words to live by, Bob, though unfortunately you may
}        find yourself wiser, sadder and poorer for it.
} BOB:   SAD? I'M MIDAS!
}
} Orrie: Really? I thought...
} BOB:   PART OF U.S. IS UFO TRAP.
}
} Orrie: Okay. Well, Erm, thanks for stopping by.
} BOB:   XERXES WAS STUNNED! EDEN NUTS SAW SEX, REX!
}
} Orrie: Zadoc! Can you get in here? And bring a net.
} BOB:   YO! BREED DEER, BOY!
}
} Orrie: And bring a few priests along too.
} BOB:   STOP! MURDER US NOT, TONSURED RUMPOTS!
}
} Orrie: And maybe a Priestess or two as well.
} BOB:   SENILE FELINES.
}
} Orrie: Why, oh why do I get myself into these messes?
} BOB:   MR. OWL ATE MY METAL WORM.
}
} Orrie. Hmm. . . mmH.


1260-04    (3bqc5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gross and disgusting Oracle, I am your wretched supplicant, not even
> worthy to pick snot out of your filthy nose.
>
> Please explain the primary recipes for puff pastry, the physical
> principles involved in each (including the reasons for the differing
> degrees of flakiness, volume, texture and aroma), and the economic
> and meteorological difficulties encountered by the chef in each case.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Puff Pastry
} -----------
} from "The Oracle Cookbook", available in good book stores for $19.95
}
} Ingredients:
} - 500g flour
} - 500g butter
} - 1 tsp cream of tartar
} - 1 tbsp lemon juice
} - 1 egg yolk
} - 1 cup cornflour
} - 1 magic dragon
}
} Sift the flour and cream of tartar together. Divide the butter into 5
} equal pieces.  Cut one piece of the butter into the flour and rub in
} till it resembles fine bread crumbs.  Beat the egg yolk and lemon
} juice together and add ice water to make 1 cup. Mix this into the
} flour with the blade of a knife till a dough is formed.  Knead lightly
} and refrigerate for 10 minutes.
}
} Slay the magic dragon, remove the head, wings and claws and leave to
} cool.  The best magic dragon can be found in Honalee and surrounding
} areas.  Freeze and grate the remaining piece of butter.
}
} Roll out the dough into a rectangle.  Sprinkle with 1 portion of the
} grated butter. Sift the cornflour/cream of tart arover the mixture.
} Fold and roll, repeating untill all the butter and cornflour is used
} up.
}
} Slice the dragon carefully lengthwise, taking care to avoid collapsing
} world economies, freak thunderstorms and other 'bad-luck' phenomena
} caused by the slaying of such a magical creature.  If a young lad
} named Jackie Paper calls ask after his pet dragon, tell him it's his
} own fault for growing up and ceasing to believe in magic.
}
} Lay the dragon slices on top of the pastry and refrigerate for 30
} minutes before rolling out again. Glaze with a little milk before
} baking at 220 degrees Celsius for five minutes before turning down to
} 180 degrees Celsius and baking until done.


1260-05    (2emc7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are any of the original supplicants from the early digests (like
> up to 010 or 020) still alive?  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course they're alive. That's just 20 years or so ago. It's
} not like lots of octogenarians were using the Internet back
} then. It's a demographic thing.
}
} Now what -is- true is that a very, very high percentage of people
} who were supplciants back then are living lives of eternal torment.
} But once again that's due to demographics. The Oracle's audience
} was much more geek based then, and too many of those people now
} have jobs as system administrators.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation as to why when I click the
} thingie the thing doesn't show the gizmo thing like it used
} to...Just kidding!


1260-06    (24ajm dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, he that is so helpful that he can propel little
> old ladies across the road with his merest glance:
>
> Help!  I think I've accidentally cloned myself, and I need your wise
> advice on how to tidy up the mess before anyone finds out.  Most
> specifically if I shoot my clone, will it be murder or suicide?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Didn't the Oracle just answer this for you. . .
}
} Oh. Wait I minute.
}
} Erm, you might want to go into hiding like RIGHT NOW.


1260-07    (79ob6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We beat Ronnie and Billy by 26 hours!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PETEY'S PECKISH PYTHON PICKS PEPPY REPAST
}
} TOPEKA, KANSAS.  After over three days of competition,
} the fifth annual National Lizard Kissing Contest came
} to a delirious and dramatic conclusion Monday evening!
} After judges removed defending champions Sally and her
} pet salamander Jonesy from the competition due to a
} rules violation related to their misuse of Super Glue
} brand lip gloss, only two couples remained: Ronnie and
} his pet gecko Billy, and Petey with his pet python
} Herbie.
}
} After over a day of thrilling amphibious smooching,
} Ronnie and Billy were forced to leave the competition
} due to the dangerous increase in Billy's blood
} temperature.  Unwilling to accept mere victory, Petey
} and Herbie decided to try for the world's record in
} lizard/human kissing!
}
} Going strong after fifty hours of reptilian
} osculation, the only impediment to beating the
} national record remaining was the simple difficulty of
} food!  Herbie's sluggish metabolism held out only so
} long, but the judges refused to grant a brief reprieve
} for nourishment!  Petey would not give up the siren's
} song of international renown, and waved off judges
} hoping to separate the pair!
}
} After a full 53 hours of toady smooching, Herbie could
} hold off his hunger no longer, and gave in to animal
} instincts!  Kissing partner soon became eating fodder,
} as Petey's slim body began to disappear beneath the
} mighty python's slow, consumptive advance!
}
} Animal wardens were called into action to separate the
} slowly digesting owner from his ravenous pet, but with
} still-mobile arms Petey waved the zookeepers away,
} clearly hoping to last an extra fifteen minutes and
} gain entry into the Guiness Book of Records!  His
} wishes respected, the wardens backed away, and the
} attention of the audience turned to the slowly ticking
} clock on the ballroom wall!
}
} With merely ten minutes remaining, Petey's hip
} remained visible!  At five minutes, his knees peeked
} out from beneath Herbie's massive maw!  At one minute,
} his ankles still held steady of their own strength!
} At zero seconds, the tips of his toes still peeked out
} beneath the tip of the python's forked tongue!
}
} Ticker tape rained from the ceiling and adoring fans
} rushed the floor to offer their robust congratulations
} to the victorious Herbie and the slowly pooling blood
} of his late owner!  Celebrations continued late into
} the night!


1260-08    (5lj84 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Kumquats: killer electronic fruit of doom!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What we have here is clearly a sample of a supplicant's food to
} English dictionary!  Other examples:
}
} Gherkin: Member of a horde of Barbarians which terrorized Eastern
} Europe in the 14th century.
}
} Cat: The other white meat.
}
} Radish: ATI's next video card after the "Radeon".
}
} JELL-O: Insufficiently solidified paint samples.
}
} Whiskey: Not very safe.
}
} Souvlaki: I'll be by between the hours of 4 and 8 PM next Thursday,
} unless it's raining.
}
} Spam: Hebrew for "Spam".
}
} Waffles: See pancakes.
}
} Pancakes: Cheap replacements for buying "Connect Four".
}
} Maraschino cherries: What kind of dictionary do you think this is
} anyway, you sicko!
}
} Banana: Insert your Freud joke here.
}
} You owe the Oracle forty-one liters of brine.


1260-09    (28mh8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and Mighty Oracle, whose thingamabob is better than, erm, the
> other thing in the whatsit and wherefore:
>
> I have trouble expressing my feelings, especially to those that I,
> well, like. Not just like, but, you know, *like* like. How can I
> overcome this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sodium pentothal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a statement of how you REALLY feel.


1260-10    (24jjd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my compression scheme, which replaces each occurrence of
> the word "I" with the letter "I", doesn't seem to work?
>
> My test phrase shows a theoretical compression ratio of 30%, yet my
> actual testing shows no compression at all.
>
> Here is my test phrase: "I explore."
>
> As you can see, the test phrase is 10 characters long.  I calculate
> this based on the following:
>
> Two words with an average size of 4 characters, plus one space plus
> a period.  My algorithm replaces the first word with the letter "I".
> That should produce a savings of three characters based on my average
> word length.
>
> Thus, the 10 character phrase should be compressed to 7 characters.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem here is the test phrase. The phrase "I explore" is being
} mistaken for Internet Explorer, a Microsoft product. Beginning with
} the Pentium II, (G3 for Mac) all  processors are designed to detect
} Microsoft products and automatically assign them 25 Mb RAM and
} 3.7 Gb hard disk space. This was done because:
}
}   A) Microsoft products are going to bully their way around
}     your system like a drunken sumo wrestler anyway.
}
} and
}
}   B) The chip designers were French.
}
} I suggest you try a different phrase, one that the processor will
} have a natural understanding for. How about "I surrender"


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