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Internet Oracularities #1261

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Internet Oracularities #1261    (55 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 06 May 2002 13:17:29 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1261
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1261  55 votes 9je94 4gai7 0ahm6 28ejc 6ji93 13jn9 bdja2 66hl5 32eoc ig984
1261  3.1 mean  2.6   3.1   3.4   3.6   2.7   3.7   2.6   3.2   3.7   2.3


1261-01    (9je94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, Oracle of much knowledge, useful or otherwise, I ask
> of thee these questions three:
>
> 1) Where can I get the green cheese for which the fabled moon of past
> was rumoured to have been created, other than from the moon itself?
>
> 2) How, oh how, can I save the princess from the castle suspended above
> molten lava and guarded by a vicious fire-breathing dragon of myth?
>
> 3) It is difficult to envisage the princess saving me if I were in her
> place. Please help my imagination along a bit. :)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) online at www.cheese.com
} 2) try ctrl+C and "up arrow" at the same time
} 3) although she would be able to save you, you wouldnt look good in the
} dress would you? (or would you?!)


1261-02    (4gai7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I recently caught my girlfriend of 6 years with another man.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use something else for bait and/or fish elsewhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a high-fidelity relationship.


1261-03    (0ahm6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest Oracle,
>
> Is the water bubbling up from under the Black Rock safe
> to drink?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is a series of questions I always ask myself when in new
} situations, like considering an unknown water source, negotiating a
} sensitive hostage exchange, or attending a Republican national
} convention:
}
} 1. Are there numerous vultures hovering overhead?  If so,
}    are they looking at me?
} 2. Is the ground strewn with the dead bodies of people
}    that, a few moments before, had been chatting benignly
}    about the weather with me?
} 3. Is there a skull and crossbones displayed prominently
}    in the area?  If so, can I verify that it is not there
}    as a result of pirate activity?
} 4. Are masked figures performing a ritual sacrifice in
}    the vicinity?
} 5. Have I noticed any cackling butlers with a bottle of
}    poison nearby?
} 6. Is speech with a distinctly Texan drawl audible on
}    the air?
} 7. Is Colonel Mustard lurking in the Library?  If so,
}    does he have a candlestick?
}
} If you answered yes to any of the above, proceed with extreme caution.
} If not, then go for it! (Oracle can not be held responsible for death,
} dismemberment, or trauma resulting from supplicant's actions.)
}
} You owe the Oracle: a tasty drink of water (if you live; otherwise
} consider this advice free of charge).


1261-04    (28ejc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
>
> Now answer me this: I'm eight months pregnant.  My husband and I are
> feuding over what to name our child.  Do you prefer JarJar or Anakin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle only sees one film a year, and has yet to catch a
} Stars Wars film. Thus the Oracle will withhold his opinion
} on those two characters.
}
} But why are you so concerned about what the Oracle thinks of
} those imaginary folk when you have a child to name?
}
} Here's how to name your child via the long secret naming
} secrets of the secret namers of the secret chart!
}
} Think of a person you admire. Take the first letter of that
} name and jot it down. That should be the first letter of
} your child's name.
}
} Now chose one of these colors:
}
} Red
} Orange
} Yellow
} Green
} Blue
} Baby Poo Puce
} Frozen Scotch
}
} Determine the second letter of the child's' name from
} this chart based on your choice above:
}
} Red    - a
} Orange - e
} Yellow - i
} Green  - o
} Blue   - u
} Baby Poo Puce - y
} Frozen Scotch - w
}
} Think carefully, which attribute do you want most for
} your child to have?
}
} luck
} wisdom
} courage
} empathy
} big boobs
} cold, cunning, disregard for rules
}
} Based on your choice add the following to the growing
} mass of letters soon to be your child's name:
}
} luck      - na
} wisdom    - alf
} courage   - rr
} empathy   - aw
} big boobs - lulu
} cold, cunning, disregard for rules - ca
}
} Now pick out one of this ancient enities as a protector
} of the child:
}
} Neptune
} Zeus
} Pluto
} Ceres
} Vulcan
} Puck
} Lady Delirium
}
} This will pick the next letters to use. See below:
}
} Neptune  -pt
} Zeus     -ot
} Pluto    -pu
} Ceres    -heat
} Vulcan   -ong
} Puck     -hee
} Lady Delirium  -gry
}
} Now pick on of these animals as your child's personal
} totem:
}
} Cockroach
} Wombat
} Shark
} poodle
} skunk
} Pig foetus
}
} The animal you chose gives you the next two letters:
}
} Cockroach - ll
} Wombat    - an
} Shark     - ho
} poodle    - oo
} skunk     - ph
} Pig foetus - oink
}
} Now pick one of these numbers:
}
} 42
} 13
} .0863
} 0
} 7734
} 69
}
} This will choose the last part of your child's name:
}
} 42     - alina
} 13     - ord
} .0863  - ovich
} 0      - urger
} 7734   - ok
} 69     - xy
}
} There you go! Of course you might wish to shorten or
} lengthen it a bit or run it through an anagram program,
} but none the less there it remains. Your child's name!
}
} You owe the Oracle a black outfit and a guitar and a
} prison.


1261-05    (6ji93 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Floppy **** ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recieving file Prozac.exe
} executing file....
} ....
} ...
} Floppy **** error
} Floppy drive limp or otherwise corrupt
} Attempting to repair....
} ...
} ...
} Server responded: no chance, mate


1261-06    (13jn9 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O-R-A, C-L-E, sum of what man wants to be,
>
> What is the most difficult language for a native English speaker to
> learn and where can I sign up for lessons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant so lingual, as facility with language varies so greatly and
} widely between people (and of course what with knowing everything it
} makes it hard for me to judge what's hard or not), I present to you
} below a summary of "The Difficult Languages of the World".
}
} 1 - Chinese
}
} Developed by toaist monks who unexpectedly found themselves in the
} wrong country while bound by an oath of silence, this language is
} unique in that it can be spoken without parting the lips.  Consisting
} of a seemingly bizzare set of facial spasms (including numerous chin
} movements, hence the name), chinese is unique in having 17 words
} meaning "itchy nose".
}
} 2 - Rushing
}
} Originally a language of nomadic horsemen of the steppes, rushing
} requires abnormal vocal dexterity.  While it does in theory allow
} a speaker to express any sentiment in no more time than it takes two
} galloping horses to pass each other, even those for whom it is a native
} tongue never manage much more than "whoahhelpicantstopthisthing".
}
} 3 - French
}
} A real challenge for even the most enthusiastic linguist, this language
} is not in and of itself abnormally hard to learn.  However, to affect
} a good accent the speaker must have two tongues in his/her mouth.
}
} 4 - Germane
}
} The most closely related to COBOL of all natural languages, germane
} contains no adjectives, adverbs, pronouns, participles or emotive
} terms.  In fact, it contains nothing that's not an absolute necessity.
} Hence while the language can be learned in its entirety in half an
} hour, working out how to ask the time can take longer than making
} yourself an accurate cuckoo clock.
}
} 5 - American
}
} Easy for an English speaker to understand being superficially identical
} to regular English, although about one word in twenty is substituted
} for a random other word.  The challenge is in working out the written
} form of the language, for which one must develop atrocious spelling.
} Or is that atroshus ?
}
} 6 - Undu
}
} Popular throughout the subcontinent, this ancient (and some say
} divine) language has unique grammatical rules permitting the speaker
} to revoke what's been said partway through a sentence and start over.
} The memory a listener requires when talking to an indecisive person
} in undu is nothing short of phenomenal.
}
} 7 - Grovel
}
} A lesser-known language of ancient Greece, this tongue is practiced
} only a supplicants of the Usenet Oracle these days, and then generally
} with only very poor fluency.  Beginners in this language tend to look
} a little scorched, although why remains a mystery (ahem).
}
}
} Once you have mastered these seven languages, grasshopper, your feet
} will truly be on the path to eyebrow-twitch-wigglenose.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay in assyrian, a speech in esperanto and
} a question in ROT-13.


1261-07    (bdja2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The queue
> Is almost empty
> This haiku fails

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ack!  You hurt my ears
} With your far too short lines
} And half-hearted art.


1261-08    (66hl5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most judicious,
>
> Why do judges wear black robes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Would you prefer that they wore black bathing suits?


1261-09    (32eoc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle most wise, most anticical, most Fruvolous...
>
>  What is a good strategy for beating you at chess?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It can't be done. But since you can't beat the Oracle at
} chess, why not join him? Get in on the ground floor of
} the Oracle approved chess sets! We're sure to sell a million
} or less in no time!
}
}         The Cultural Literacy Set
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
}        |   well-Read               Un-read
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
} King   |   Homer                   Homer
} Queen  |   William S. Burroughs    Agent Scully
} Bishop |   Shakespeare             Scooby-Doo
} Knight |   Philip K. Dick          Fred Flintstone
} Rook   |   Mark Twain              Jerry Springer
} Pawns  |   beatniks                tellie-tubbies
} -------+------------------------------------------------------
}
}          The USENET Set
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
}        |   Users                   lusers
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
} King   |   rec.humor.oracle        alt.binary.*
} Queen  |   comp.perl.*             comp.microsoft.*
} Bishop |   alt.folklore.urban      alt.conspiracy
} Knight |   alt.sysadmin.recover    alt.tv.xena.*
} Rook   |   comp.unix.*             alt.drugs.*
} Pawns  |   bofh.*                  alt.walter.cronkite.*
} -------+------------------------------------------------------
}
}          The Oracle Set
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
}        |   Good                   Evil
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
} King   |   The Oracle             Bill Gates
} Queen  |   Lisa                   lemur in drag
} Bishop |   Zadoc                  Steve Wright(unwilling victim)
} Knight |   Kendai                 Hotmail luser
} Rook   |   Og                     Captain Hook
} Pawns  |   Priests                w..dch..ks
} -------+------------------------------------------------------
}
}          The Political Set
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
}        |   Right                  Left
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
} King   |   George W. Bush         Hillary Clinton
} Queen  |   Dr. Laura              Al Gore
} Bishop |   Jerry Falwell          Father Mahoney
} Knight |   G. Gordon Liddy        Janet Reno
} Rooks  |   SUV                    Manatee
} Pawns  |   NRA members            IRS auditors
} -------+------------------------------------------------------
}
}          The Knowledge vs. Stupidity Set
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
}        |   Bright                 Dull
} -------+-----------------------------------------------------
} King   |   Logic                  TV
} Queen  |   Will-power             drugs
} Bishop |   Hope                   Cynicism
} Knight |   Knowledge              Hearsay
} Rook   |   Perseverance           Apathy
} Pawns  |   books                  car-stereos
} -------+------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a laminated bookmark bearing the image
} of Mikhail Moiseyevich Botvinnik.


1261-10    (ig984 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you know about the pumpkin pie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because the cook told me, of course.
}
} Want a better answer?
}
} You owe the oracle a better grovel.


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