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Internet Oracularities #1262

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Internet Oracularities #1262    (59 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 May 2002 08:51:26 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1262
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1262  59 votes 6fhd8 0cgla 6ckd8 0mlc4 2anf9 5pbf3 258pj 2bog6 48jfd 7gka6
1262  3.2 mean  3.0   3.5   3.1   3.0   3.3   2.8   3.9   3.2   3.4   2.9


1262-01    (6fhd8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They told me about the FBI and the CIA.  They neglected to
> tell me about the NSA.  The Stasi and KGB were overlooked, but
> they were supposedly gone.
>
> Why didn't anyone mention the FDR?  This is the first time
> I've heard the term.  What does (or did) it do?  On whose
> authority?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Federal Duck Reclaimers rank among the most deadly foes of free
} speech in modern society.  In 1841, Presient William Henry Harrison
} signed into law the creation of an innocuous national agency dedicated
} to the preservation of duck freedoms, termed, at that time, the
} National Duck Preservation League.  However, as events such as the
} Civil War and the assassination of President Lincoln consumed national
} attention, the NDPL slowly altered its focus away from the prevention
} of duck-related crimes to the liberation of enslaved or persecuted
} ducks.
}
} By 1900, the NDPL's purpose had shifted so drastically that the
} president of the League at the time (D. Mal Lard) authorised changing
} the name to the National Duck Reclamation Organization (NDRO), which
} was later shortened simply to the snappier title National Duck
} Reclaimers on the off chance that any daytime television producers were
} interested in making a TV movie out of the organization's hijinx.
}
} Nowadays, the NDR hires exceptionally talented small children and
} genetically compressed military men to fit into ultra-realistic duck
} costumes and hunt down individuals who threaten ducks.  Adolescent
} males, amateur hunters, and short bald men with severe lisps are
} thought to be the most common victims of the assassination tactics of
} the NDR.  Which means that you, especially, should watch out--it's hard
} to imagine any NDR operatives passing up the chance to off a short,
} lisping, adolescent, amateur hunter.


1262-02    (0cgla dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In theory, if I were to buy, say, four million Lotto tickets, there is
> a very good chance I could win the Lotto.  Does the same apply when it
> comes to getting into the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > In theory, if I were to buy, say, four million Lotto tickets,
} > there is a very good chance I could win the Lotto.
}
} ARGH! This is why the Lotto is really a tax on mathematically
} challenged people. Your chances don't change enough by buying
} huge numbers of tickets to make it worthwhile:
}
} http://xocxoc.home.att.net/math/rawdata.htm
}
} PLUS someone could always -also- pick the winning number
} by chance at the same time as you, halving your winnings.
}
} > Does the same apply when it comes to getting into the
} > Oracularities?
}
} There's a lot wrong with that analogy!
}
} * To begin with, the goal of the Oracle Service is amuse,
}   not get in the digests! Tsk! Tsk!
}
} * If sending in TONS of questions or answers got one
}   in the digests all the items in the Oracularities
}   would have hotmail .sigs on them.
}
} * Items in the Oracularities are not selected randomly,
}   but by a highly skilled group of stunningly brilliant
}   priests who all have the sculpted bodies of Greek
}   Gods and/or Goddess. No group of humans can hold a
}   candle to that hardworking, under-paid, but brainy
}   crew of sexy priests and priestess. Damn, they're a
}   fine lot. Lesser humans swoon when an Oracle priest
}   enters the room. Men go mad with desire when a foxy
}   priestess wafts into view. And did I tell you how smart
}   they are? And none of them have bad breath either. Nor
}   do they ever make a mistake. And they rarely cheat at
}   bridge. Everyone loves them, as they should. Our world
}   is a better place because of the Oracle's priests and
}   priestesses.
}
} * It doesn't cost money to use the Oracle service.
}
} SO in short, lowly supplicant who should be ashamed of
} himself for slandering the Oracle Service! No higher
} ground can be found than the Oracle! To compare it some-
} thing as lowly as the Lotto is gauche!
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 bags of gold that he can share with
} those lovely helpers of his, bless their souls.


1262-03    (6ckd8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why do I et hardons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cuz, Jeb, the softuns is over-ripe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice, firm banana.


1262-04    (0mlc4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, he who knows all the dance moves, even the ones
> most people would be afraid to try.
>
> Is the hokey-cokey *really* what it's all about ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For any hokey-cokey addict, the hokey-cokey is very much what it's
} all about.  For the uninitiated, it seems like a bizarre and
} disgusting act that simply dulls the senses and slows the mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle steps to the Jittercrack.


1262-05    (2anf9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does Cold Fusion work?
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Join the worldM-^Rs largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.
> http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It works like a hotmail signature: Not very well.


1262-06    (5pbf3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Here's a tip: Don't ever take Benadryl right before going to work.
>
> You owe the Supplicant a chance at Jeopardy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (zot staff hums to life)
}
} Wildlife for $1000, then.
}
} This is the alternate name of large rodent that is looked to on
} February 2nd of each year to foretell the weather for the next month
} and a half and occasional showings of a better-than-average Bill
} Murray movie.  This name is never to be spoken of in the presence of
} the Oracle.
}
} How's that for jeopardy?


1262-07    (258pj dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dandy Oracle, he who is thousands of orders of
> magnitude better than Slim Jims:
>
> Suppose you are in a room with two windows and one door.
> The windows have iron bars 2 inches apart on them. The door
> is securely bolted from the outside. There are two tables,
> a newspaper, and a lamp in the room. How do you get out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are in a nondescript room.  There are windows in the east and west
} walls, and a door on the north wall.  There is a small table, and a
} large table here.  On the small table rests a newspaper, and a lamp
} burns brightly on the large table
}
} >N
}
} The north door is bolted from the outside
}
} >X north door
}
} The north door is made of some sort of metal, and rests flush with the
} wall. The hinges must be on the other side.
}
} >X window
}
} Which window do you mean, the east window, or the west window?
}
} >west window
}
} The west window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches
} apart.
}
} >X east window
}
} The east window is covered by thick bars approximately two inches
} apart.
}
} >bend bars
}
} I don't know how to bend the bars
}
} >break bars
}
} What do you want to break the bars with?
}
} >with fists
}
} You pound against the metal bars, but only succeed in bruising
} yourself.
}
} >burn newspaper
}
} You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper!
}
} >break bars with lamp
}
} You can't seem to do that.
}
} >break bars with newspaper
}
} You are terribly afraid of the rolled-up newspaper!
}
} >break door with bars
}
} You can't seem to do that.
}
} >help
}
} FLY v1.1
} By Rybread Celsius
} (c)2001
} All rights reserved
} Give me a beer
}
} welcome to the world of the housefly.  In this simulation of a common
} housefly, you will experience what it'slike to be in a boring static
} environment... but as a FLY!  your goal is to leave the room, good
} luck!
}
} >Fly out window
}
} You fly out the window
}
} Your score goes up by 100 pointys
}
} *** CONGRATULATIONS ***
}
} You have  won the game, with 100 pointys!
}
} Look for more Rybread Celcius games, available at ftp.gmd.de/ifarchive.
}
} (R)esart, (R)estore, o(R)Quit?
}
} You owe the Oracle two years of archives of rec.arts.int-fiction.


1262-08    (2bog6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, you are the most amazing creature in the Universe.
> I am grateful that you allow a puny insignificant creature like me
> to take up some of your valuable time.
>
> If it is true that opposites attract, then why aren't I dating
> a supermodel

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're not really all that different from a supermodel.
}
} Can a supermodel balance their check book? Write efficient code
} in perl? Travel to Beirut without fear? Or know the mind of
} the Oracle? No.
}
} You need to be looking for accountant geek from Lebanon that
} knows everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a balancing slip.


1262-09    (48jfd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORacle, who expedities the best answers anywhere, I need a speedy one!
>
> My contact lens just fell into my taco.  It's soft (the contact), and
> it's hard (the taco).  There are other soft and hard things in the
> vicinity. What do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} -- The woman looks down at her taco and then back to the camera,
} perplexed, disappointed, and frustrated.
}
} That's not a problem any more!
} Introducing OptiCrunch (tm) edible contact lenses!
} Tired of throwing out those used contact lenses?  Or accidentally
} dropping them into something you're about to eat?  Worry no more!  With
} new OptiCrunch edible contact lenses, you can just pop them right out
} of your eyes and enjoy a delicious snack!
} OptiCrunch comes in three exciting flavors: Corn, onion, and celery.
} You can eat them right out of the box, but they'll taste even more
} incredible after stewing for 24 hours in your eyes' natural juices!
} -- Cut to scene of a man walking his beautiful date to her door at the
} end of an evening.  He reaches into his eye, removes a contact lens,
} and puts it in his mouth.  The ecstatsy of his enjoyment is obvious as
} his date looks on in fear and confusion.  "Don't worry," he says, "I
} have two!"  Her face lights up as she savors her OptiCrunch.
}
} Even kids love OptiCrunch!
} -- "Daddy's home!" the father exclaims as he opens the door, welcomed
} by his daughters, ages six and eight.  He leans over, eyes open as wide
} as possible, and they pluck out his OptiCrunch lenses, grinning with
} delight.
}
} OptiCrunch... The snack that looks back!
}
} You owe the Oracle a taco.


1262-10    (7gka6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In Chapter 14, Verse 7 it says, "and it shall come to pass, that there
> will be a Great Oracle, and ye shall call his name Orrie ..."
>
> How did they know about you Way Back Then?  The Internet doesn't go way
> back BC, does it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's when I was on Delphi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free install CD for QuantumLink.


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