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Internet Oracularities #1263

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Internet Oracularities #1263    (53 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 20 May 2002 10:45:35 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1263
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1263  53 votes 5hk92 089oc 5akc6 5bgf6 1bfj7 7gk73 6jed1 34hib 5ecbb 69l98
1263  3.1 mean  2.7   3.8   3.1   3.1   3.4   2.7   2.7   3.6   3.2   3.1


1263-01    (5hk92 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle who apparently resides in Indiana and yet still manages to be
> quite wize beyond my wreckoning,
>
> What does the University Administration think of all this coming and
> going to the oracle@cs.indiana.edu address?  Or have they just not
> noticed yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hah!  Give me a break.  Have you ever known an administration to notice
} anything that was going on right under their noses?  However, the
} committee meeting regarding the high traffic on the mail servers has
} been going on for almost a year now, so they may soon be ready to begin
} investigating.
} You owe the Oracle a grovel that a) Doesn't insult anyone (except
} supplicants) and b) is correctly spelled.


1263-02    (089oc dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Are dung beetles magic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see:
}
}   > X dung beetle
}
}   The dung beetle is approximately 1/2 cm. long and a mottled brown in
}   color.  It is perched on a small ball of hyena dung.
}
}   > Pick up dung beetle
}
}   Taken.
}
}   > Turn over dung beetle
}
}   The dung beetle is now upside down.  Its legs are waving frantically
}   in the air, and the ball of hyena dung has fallen on your shirt.  One
}   of the dung beetle's front legs seems slightly longer than the others.
}
}   > X dung beetle with magnifying glass
}
}   Through the glass, you can see that the dung beetle is holding a tiny
}   magic wand.
}
}   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle
}
}   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold.
}
}   > Take tiny magic wand from dung beetle with tweezers
}
}   The dung beetle struggles mightily, but with your superior strength
}   you wrest the wand from its grasp.
}
}   > Wave tiny magic wand
}
}   The tiny magic wand is too tiny for you to hold.
}
}   > Wave tiny magic wand with tweezers
}
}   You are buried in hyena dung.
}
} Yes, it looks like the dung beetle had all the magic it needed.


1263-03    (5akc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *ZOT!*
>
> Ha - the supplicant finally gets the last laugh! A pre-emptive zot, and
> the temple of the oracle lies in ruins!
>
> Nice knowin' ya, Orrie. The supplicants are running the show now.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.
}
} Delivery to the following recipients failed.
}
}        oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


1263-04    (5bgf6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is downright spiffy, I have a question
> to ask of thee:
>
> I forgot my watch again today, and the whole day
> I didn't know what time it is. I'd like to prevent
> such tragedies in the future, but I don't know
> how to consistently remember my watch.
>
> P.S.: On occasion, I have the same trouble with my
> PocketPC and my pants.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene:  the rain-swept deck of a galleon.  The sky is black with
} clouds, the light vanishing further beneath the watery horizon each
} minute as gusts of briney wind and spray wet the deck and cause the
} ghostly canvas sails to billow deeply and whip and crack.  Huddled in
} the lee of the fo'c'sle against the shrieking gale are two shadowy
} figures.  As one glances skywards to predict the muderous weather,
} lank black hair barely held back by a sodden bandana drips salt water
} down his scarred and unshaven face.  The other, taller and skinnier
} keeps his face downturned beneath the protection of a tripoint hat.
}
} Black-Hand Gus: Aarrgh!  The boy be'en late for 'is shift agin, capn!
}  Captain Orrie: Aye, mate.  That'un needs a keelhaulin'.  Never'n cin
}                 be rememberin when its time for his watch, that 'un.
} Black-Hand Gus: A good keelhaulin', aya capn!.  That'd see the
}                 scallwags brains a good fixin'.
}  Captain Orrie: A head full'o dreams has that lad.  Dreamin' in his
}                 hammock o' pockets full'o PC's o' eight, no doubts.
} Black-Hand Gus: Eh ?  What'n you say, capn ?
}  Captain Orrie: Urm .. dreaming .. hammock .. pieces'o'eight ?
} Black-Hand Gus: Ah, that'n be right then.  I thought me ol' ears be
}                 hearin talk o' PCs.  Daft ol' me, eh?
}  Captain Orrie: Ah, yes.  Silly old you yes, none of them around here.
}                 Not even a VAX.
} Black-Hand Gus: A va...
}  Captain Orrie: Avast!  Thar be the lad now, and he's forgotten his
}                 pantaloons!  Keelhaul 'im afore this gets too silly!
}
} You owe the Oracle a nautical computing device.


1263-05    (1bfj7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> How does the bunny view of the world differ form that of an armchair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's slightly different, but an important difference.
}
} The bunny gets to walk around the mansion, eat whatever food it wants,
} do whatever it likes, has free access to the pools and hottubs, gets
} free invites to all the parties, and can use the game room whenever it
} pleases.
}
} The armchair just gets sat on by Hef' all day while he pops Viagra.
}
} You owe the Oracle the armchair's view of the bunny.


1263-06    (7gk73 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gyaaaah! Lisa, how many times have I asked you not to turn on the
} bedroom light in the middle of the night? Geez. I can't see a thing
} now. But hey, if you're up, would you get me a sandwich?


1263-07    (6jed1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle,
> What happens to a person if they do not ever sleep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well they become irrational, start doing and saying things that
} make sense only to them (often thinking they are funny or at least
} amusing).  The start losing the ability to seperate reality from
} fantasy, living in a twilight world of confusion.  They forget how to
} use the simplest of objects, making up ridiculous and tedious new uses
} for the mundane. They also start to grate on the nerves of others,
} often to the point where others want to commit acts of violence on them
} to make them go away or stop their behaviors.
}
} In simple terms, its pretty much like being Carrot Top.
}
} You owe the Oracle some quality time (not on the phone) with Sela Ward.


1263-08    (34hib dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, you are more powerful than a top of the line
> secret device and wittier than W.C. Field's uncle Zeke,
>
> Why do we need to buy more chairs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The number of chairs required increases by a factor of x*(5/3) where
} x is the number of people who need chairs.  This is easily explainable.
}
} Envision a doctor's waiting room with three chairs, in a row.
} Patient A walks in and picks chair 1, on the far left.  Patient B
} walks in and picks chair 3, on the far right.  If a third patient,
} patient C, were to walk in, that patient would see the obvious lack
} of seating space, and be forced to stand.
}
} Imagine the same scene with four chairs.  There are three options: A1,
} 2, B3, 4 (where A1 and B3 mean patient A is in chair 1 and patient
} B in is chair 3); 1, A2, 3, B4; A1, 2, 3, B4.  In each case, there
} would be insufficient seating for C, who would again have to stand.
}
} Only with five chairs can C have a place to sit: A1, 2, B3, 4, C5.
} Even this solution requires social engineering; you must force A
} and B to sit exactly one empty chair apart, with one of them taking
} chair 3.  To ensure proper seating for C, you would need 7 chairs.
} With 6 chairs, you could arrive at: 1, A2, 3, 4, B5, 6.  Only by
} adding one chair can you ensure a seat for C.
}
} This is why we need so many chairs.  It is a problem that has plagued
} man of centuries; modern humans falsely believe that gladiatorial
} combat was held between prisoners or the oppressors, when it really
} came about because of the poor bench seating of the Coliseums.
}
} You owe the Oracle a detailed mathematical explanation for required
} seating at a Phish concert with 5,000 attendees, taking into
} consideration hygiene habits of the typical Phish listener.


1263-09    (5ecbb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
>   ter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppe
> T   r Piper picked a peck of pickled pe     R
> he     iper picked a peck of pickl         ed
> play      r picked a peck of p           Rove
> 's the         ked a peck              r, Red
> thing where      d a pe   Orrie    Rover, the
> in I'll catch      a      Am I  quick red fox
> the consci        lay     mad?     jumps over
> ence of        o play mak           the quick
> the        nd no play makes J         and the
> Kin     k and no play makes Jack a       dead
> g     ork and no play makes Jack a dul      .
> . ll work and no play makes Jack a dull bo
>  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 's the         ked a peck              r, Red
}                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
}   Beavis: Hurh hurh .. hurh hurh.  He said, like, pecker!
} Butthead: Hurh hurh, hurh hurh.  Hurh hurh, hurh hurh.
}   Oracle: Zadoc!  Turn that off you snivelling cur!
}
} (*click* - the goggle-box is silenced in he next room.  Zadoc enters
}  on hand and knee, grovelling in a way only a priest of his years can)
}
}    Zadoc: Yes, your Oracleness.  May your wisdom never shrivel up and
}           fall off.
}   Oracle: Really, sometimes I wonder why I bother!  Supplicant, in
}           answer to your question regarding your loopiness:
}
} (TIO makes a facial expression that would curdle milk.  If you didn't
}  know better you you swear tongues couldn't move through that many
}  dimensions at once)
}
}                    No,
}              ch fr    y
}            mu     ee   o
}           o        t   u
}            o    emi  uj
}             t e    ts
}                vah
}
}   Oracle: Loo woah da olly-curl..
}
} ( Brief pause as TIO attempts to straighten tongue with hands )
}
}   Oracle: Woo oab guh wovvy-buhl..
}    Zadoc: Umm ..
}   Oracle: Bweth ?
}    Zadoc: Shall I fetch the tongue straightener again, your wiseness ?
}   Oracle: Bahm 'n glast.  *sigh*  Bweth, scphweth it, hkur.
}    Zadoc: Watch it, sir?  Oh thank you!
}
} (Zadoc departs, a brief snicker crossing his downturned face.  A
}  *click* emanates from the next room)
}
}   Beavis: Hurh hurh .. hurh hurh.  He said, like, tongue!
} Butthead: Hurh hurh, hurh hurh.  Hurh hurh, hurh hurh.
}
} Bwoo woah buh bwolly-wull wa twung sptwait .. pwrait .. thrpwait ..
} nwoo pweest.


1263-10    (69l98 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jar-Jar Rulez!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A busy street in an eastern seaboard megalopolis, our hero
}   stands on the corner near a box. ]
}
} Hero: Jar-Jar Rulez!
}
} Passerby: Ha!
}
} Hero: Buy a Jar-Jar for your kid. He'll love you for it.
}
} Passerby: My kid would die of embarrassment if I even took
}           a Jar-Jar action figure into our home.
}
} [ A lady with child in tow walks by ]
}
} Hero: Battlefield Earth Doll?
}
} Lady: I beg your pardon.
}
} Hero: Look, it even comes with its own kooky cult text.
}
} Kid: Battle what?
}
} Hero: . . .Field Earth. A truly great film, it. . .
}
} Kid: Yech! What is that?
}
} Hero: Jar-Jar Binks.
}
} Kid: Huh?
}
} [ A cop walks up ]
}
} Cop: You got a permit to sell stuff here?
}
} Hero: Come on, gimme a break.
}
} Cop: What the heck, Jar-Jar Binks? How many of those do
}      you got in there?
}
} Hero: 50, and I have 700 back in my apartment. I, I thought
}       I'd corner the local market on them. And, <sigh>, I did.
}
} Cop: Bummer.


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