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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You don't really expect me to wear that, do you? > > _________________________________________________________________ > Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man questions his own .sig, film at eleven.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Weeeeeelllll, looky who we got here!  Dance, hombre!! > >  <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> > >  Yeeeeeha!  Hahahahahahahaha!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, Tex, that's enough ... } } ... time to get off the mechanical bucking bronco and let the next } tourist have a turn.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sharp Oracle, I am your dull supplicant.  My wise-guy brother sent > me out to get some oxymorons.  I'm not sure whether I should go to > the mental ward or to a welding shop.  Where will I find them, and > how will I recognize them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The acute dullness of the clearly ambiguous and deliberately } thoughtless written sayings known as oxymorons causes intense apathy in } the Wise Oracle. Your only choice is to join the simply superb lonely } crowd of those that embrace rejection of oxymorons. Actively ignore } them, grab a plastic glass full of good tasting gin and get legally } drunk in your home office, or sit & watch educational television and } feel terribly pleased that you are forced to prefer seriously funny } stuff, like say, rhod humor. } } Argh, sorry about that. Up until those last two words The Oracle } thought he could get through this answer with out using an oxymoron. } Mea Culpa. } } You owe the Oracle a twelve-ounce pound cake and a tame cat.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     ----- >    |     | >    | >    |          _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ >    | >    | >  ------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah! Hangman is so slow. If we're going to go retro then DOOM! } } [ Dark winding maze of brown walled hallways, on the walls are }   huge posters of some furry faced demon. ] } }  chuck, chuck, chuck! } } Zadoc's blood froze. } }  chuck,chuck,chuck! } } Zadoc began backing away from the sound as he raised the shotgun } to his shoulder. Damn w..dch..ks. } }  chuck, chuck, chuck! } } It rounded the corner and heaved a log at Zadoc, who side-stepped } the projectile easily and BUUUUUUUYYYAaaaah! One less w..dch..k. } } WHAMPT! } } Zadoc was taking damage! He whirled just in time to catch another } log full on in the face, his armor level dropping to 40%, his health } to 65%...  BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Two less w..dch..ks. } } Where had that one come from? Then Zadoc noticed that over there in a } dark corner the textures of the walls were not aligned as they should } be... he ran over and slammed into the wall, then backed up quickly. } } The wall rose, a beast leapt out; BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Three down. } } Zadoc ran over the corpse into the now exposed hidden room. YES! } There he found a 100% health sphere and The Red Key and. . .the door } behind him opened. Zadoc whirled in time to see the Oracle . . . } } <KAZOT!> Zadoc died screaming. } } The Oracle stepped out of the shadows the BFG in his hand, laughed } and grabbed The Red Key for himself, then dashed off for the exit. } } You owe the Oracle a backpack and a more worthy opponent.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is internet filtering [removed]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very [removed] question to answer, [removed] supplicant.  You } see, the filtering controls are design to allow you to [removed] } certain [misplaced] content.  This content, whether it be [removed], } [misplaced], or [stolen], is seen by many to be [lost].  Many } oarganizations, in fact, find this [removed] to be dangerous to } [deleted] children, who may suffer [censored] from exposure.  Of } course, we all know that this is a [removed] load of [holy] [crap] } [did] [he] [just] [say] [that?]!  The [removed] kinds of people who } argue for this [removed] sort of [removed], are just [removed] [better] } [send] [in] [the] [SWAT] [team].  In short, internet filtering is a } [removed] disgrace to the [removed] constitiution, and really [yikes] } hard donkey [hooboy]. } } You owe the [removed] Oracle a big [removed] [removed] [removed], with } big [removed].

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of vast knowledge, tell me this: > > Why can you never get very far in NetHack unless you have named your > character something silly like "britney spears"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Velcommen Britney Spears, welcome to Nethack! You are a lawful dwarven } Valkyrie. } } You destroyed the lichen. } Unknown Command 'sing'. } The sewer rat bites! } Unknown Command 'dance'. } The sewer rat bites! } Unknown Command 'act'. } The sewer rat bites! } You die... } } Final Attributes } You were fervently aligned. } You couldn't sing. } You couldn't dance. } You couldn't act. } You are dead. } } Farvel, Britney Spears the Valkyrie.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge of medical terminology and urban myth know no > equal... > > I just awoke submerged in a bathtub full of ice, and am missing a > kidney. Anyway, the stranger who took me back to her hotel room and did > this to me forgot to leave the number for 911 next to the phone like > she was supposed to. What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apply for an Urban Legend Permit.  Look, you are supposed to get the } permit first, and lose the kidney later.  How many times do I have } to tell you people this?

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > i > > You are carrying: >   A torch. >   A lump of coal. >   A lady's undergarment (soiled). >   20' rope. >   A knasty knife. > > > look > > <Bottom of Stairs> > > You are standing in front the Oracular Temple.  Blinding white polished > marble stairs ascend into the clouds overhead.  Two huge waste bins are > here. > > > X waste bins > > The waste bins are marked 'Tellme' and 'Askme'. > > > open bin > > Which bin do you want to open? > > > open tellme > > A horrible din erupts from the bin as it is opened.  You are overcome > by the chaotic noise and become disoriented. > > You have fallen in the bin marked 'Tellme'. > > > l > > <'Tellme' Bin> > > You are in a room of twisty little passages, all looking the same. > You see here: >   2,743,892 Woodchucks. >      55,770 Null questions. >   1,275,882 Obscure in-jokes. >     300,646 Questions with humorous potential. >           1 Humorous answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world turns upside down. } } You, 2,743,892 Woodchucks, 55,770 Null questions, 1,275,882 Obscure in- } jokes, 300,646 Questions with humorous potential and 1 Humorous answer } are tipped into a bin marked 'Askme'. } } Looking upwards you see the face of Kinzler before the lid is placed on } the bin. } } A woodchuck knaws your foot. } } > kick woodchuck } } With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the } Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets } narrower and narrower as you near your destination. } } You arrive in an Incarnations Inbox. } } > look } } <An Incarnations Inbox> } } You are in an Incarnations Inbox.  A large glowing screen fills one } wall, through which you can see a giant Incarnation head. } You see here: }    12 Work-related emails }   322 Non work-related emails }     1 Question with humorous potential. } } > X head } } The giant Incarnation head is impressive.  It looks at you } disappointedly before answering you in an autoreferential and recursive } manner.  You become disoriented and confused. } } With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the } Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets } narrower and narrower as you near your destination. } } You arrive in your own Inbox. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for that lady's undergarment } (soiled).

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are my settings right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have three forks, and the salad fork is the first.  The wine } glass should be on the right, and the napkin should be fanfolded, } not ringed with one of those cheap napkin holders from Wal-Mart. } } Close, though you're not Martha Stewart yet.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the binding of my self-proclaimed "Spiral-Bound" > notebook is, in fact, a helix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                         .really..Hol }                    pective         d.the. }                .pers        mark         not }              of       ook.re    ably.l      ebo }            .      es.l                ike.     ok. }          er     do     spirals..This      a.     up }         t     it.    ke.           iron     sp    .t }        t    t.    .li      e.noti      y.i    ir   o. }       a    ha    ok     hav      ced.    s.    al   yo }      m    t     o     t.             th    no   ..   u }      .    .   .l    gh    hey.got.t    a    t.   B    r }      a   e    l    i     t        he    t    l   u    . }     .    c    l   .m   e:    e..   .n    .   o    t   e }     s   i    i    u    s    h  .    a   M    s    .   y }     i   t    w    o    e    t     em    e    t   s    e }     .    o   .    Y.   ht.   .morf.    a    o.   o    . }      t   n    el   .s    fo.         .d   .n    m    a }      I    .    g    ko     ynam.sekam    ht    e    n }            l    na    ob               .e     .    d }             l    .t     .eseht    rekam     eh    . }              iw    aht       .fo.s        il     ol }                .u     .mor            .sex    .ko }                  oy       f.dweiv.nehw      tni }                    .dna.                ht.o }                        larips.    ac.os.e }                               dell } } (You might have to look really close the read the text in the middle.)