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Internet Oracularities #1264

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Internet Oracularities #1264    (56 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 May 2002 18:53:29 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1264
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1264  56 votes 7def7 9lh81 37ji9 8hgc3 3clf5 57kdb 9egf2 37kga 2asd3 3a9ld
1264  3.1 mean  3.0   2.5   3.4   2.7   3.1   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.1   3.6


1264-01    (7def7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You don't really expect me to wear that, do you?
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man questions his own .sig, film at eleven.


1264-02    (9lh81 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Weeeeeelllll, looky who we got here!  Dance, hombre!!
>
>  <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!> <Blam!>
>
>  Yeeeeeha!  Hahahahahahahaha!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, Tex, that's enough ...
}
} ... time to get off the mechanical bucking bronco and let the next
} tourist have a turn.


1264-03    (37ji9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sharp Oracle, I am your dull supplicant.  My wise-guy brother sent
> me out to get some oxymorons.  I'm not sure whether I should go to
> the mental ward or to a welding shop.  Where will I find them, and
> how will I recognize them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The acute dullness of the clearly ambiguous and deliberately
} thoughtless written sayings known as oxymorons causes intense apathy in
} the Wise Oracle. Your only choice is to join the simply superb lonely
} crowd of those that embrace rejection of oxymorons. Actively ignore
} them, grab a plastic glass full of good tasting gin and get legally
} drunk in your home office, or sit & watch educational television and
} feel terribly pleased that you are forced to prefer seriously funny
} stuff, like say, rhod humor.
}
} Argh, sorry about that. Up until those last two words The Oracle
} thought he could get through this answer with out using an oxymoron.
} Mea Culpa.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve-ounce pound cake and a tame cat.


1264-04    (8hgc3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     -----
>    |     |
>    |
>    |          _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _
>    |
>    |
>  ------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bah! Hangman is so slow. If we're going to go retro then DOOM!
}
} [ Dark winding maze of brown walled hallways, on the walls are
}   huge posters of some furry faced demon. ]
}
}  chuck, chuck, chuck!
}
} Zadoc's blood froze.
}
}  chuck,chuck,chuck!
}
} Zadoc began backing away from the sound as he raised the shotgun
} to his shoulder. Damn w..dch..ks.
}
}  chuck, chuck, chuck!
}
} It rounded the corner and heaved a log at Zadoc, who side-stepped
} the projectile easily and BUUUUUUUYYYAaaaah! One less w..dch..k.
}
} WHAMPT!
}
} Zadoc was taking damage! He whirled just in time to catch another
} log full on in the face, his armor level dropping to 40%, his health
} to 65%...  BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Two less w..dch..ks.
}
} Where had that one come from? Then Zadoc noticed that over there in a
} dark corner the textures of the walls were not aligned as they should
} be... he ran over and slammed into the wall, then backed up quickly.
}
} The wall rose, a beast leapt out; BUUUUUUUYYYYYAaaaah! Three down.
}
} Zadoc ran over the corpse into the now exposed hidden room. YES!
} There he found a 100% health sphere and The Red Key and. . .the door
} behind him opened. Zadoc whirled in time to see the Oracle . . .
}
} <KAZOT!> Zadoc died screaming.
}
} The Oracle stepped out of the shadows the BFG in his hand, laughed
} and grabbed The Red Key for himself, then dashed off for the exit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a backpack and a more worthy opponent.


1264-05    (3clf5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is internet filtering [removed]?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very [removed] question to answer, [removed] supplicant.  You
} see, the filtering controls are design to allow you to [removed]
} certain [misplaced] content.  This content, whether it be [removed],
} [misplaced], or [stolen], is seen by many to be [lost].  Many
} oarganizations, in fact, find this [removed] to be dangerous to
} [deleted] children, who may suffer [censored] from exposure.  Of
} course, we all know that this is a [removed] load of [holy] [crap]
} [did] [he] [just] [say] [that?]!  The [removed] kinds of people who
} argue for this [removed] sort of [removed], are just [removed] [better]
} [send] [in] [the] [SWAT] [team].  In short, internet filtering is a
} [removed] disgrace to the [removed] constitiution, and really [yikes]
} hard donkey [hooboy].
}
} You owe the [removed] Oracle a big [removed] [removed] [removed], with
} big [removed].


1264-06    (57kdb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of vast knowledge, tell me this:
>
> Why can you never get very far in NetHack unless you have named your
> character something silly like "britney spears"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Velcommen Britney Spears, welcome to Nethack! You are a lawful dwarven
} Valkyrie.
}
} You destroyed the lichen.
} Unknown Command 'sing'.
} The sewer rat bites!
} Unknown Command 'dance'.
} The sewer rat bites!
} Unknown Command 'act'.
} The sewer rat bites!
} You die...
}
} Final Attributes
} You were fervently aligned.
} You couldn't sing.
} You couldn't dance.
} You couldn't act.
} You are dead.
}
} Farvel, Britney Spears the Valkyrie.


1264-07    (9egf2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose knowledge of medical terminology and urban myth know no
> equal...
>
> I just awoke submerged in a bathtub full of ice, and am missing a
> kidney. Anyway, the stranger who took me back to her hotel room and did
> this to me forgot to leave the number for 911 next to the phone like
> she was supposed to. What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apply for an Urban Legend Permit.  Look, you are supposed to get the
} permit first, and lose the kidney later.  How many times do I have
} to tell you people this?


1264-08    (37kga dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > i
>
> You are carrying:
>   A torch.
>   A lump of coal.
>   A lady's undergarment (soiled).
>   20' rope.
>   A knasty knife.
>
> > look
>
> <Bottom of Stairs>
>
> You are standing in front the Oracular Temple.  Blinding white polished
> marble stairs ascend into the clouds overhead.  Two huge waste bins are
> here.
>
> > X waste bins
>
> The waste bins are marked 'Tellme' and 'Askme'.
>
> > open bin
>
> Which bin do you want to open?
>
> > open tellme
>
> A horrible din erupts from the bin as it is opened.  You are overcome
> by the chaotic noise and become disoriented.
>
> You have fallen in the bin marked 'Tellme'.
>
> > l
>
> <'Tellme' Bin>
>
> You are in a room of twisty little passages, all looking the same.
> You see here:
>   2,743,892 Woodchucks.
>      55,770 Null questions.
>   1,275,882 Obscure in-jokes.
>     300,646 Questions with humorous potential.
>           1 Humorous answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world turns upside down.
}
} You, 2,743,892 Woodchucks, 55,770 Null questions, 1,275,882 Obscure in-
} jokes, 300,646 Questions with humorous potential and 1 Humorous answer
} are tipped into a bin marked 'Askme'.
}
} Looking upwards you see the face of Kinzler before the lid is placed on
} the bin.
}
} A woodchuck knaws your foot.
}
} > kick woodchuck
}
} With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the
} Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets
} narrower and narrower as you near your destination.
}
} You arrive in an Incarnations Inbox.
}
} > look
}
} <An Incarnations Inbox>
}
} You are in an Incarnations Inbox.  A large glowing screen fills one
} wall, through which you can see a giant Incarnation head.
} You see here:
}    12 Work-related emails
}   322 Non work-related emails
}     1 Question with humorous potential.
}
} > X head
}
} The giant Incarnation head is impressive.  It looks at you
} disappointedly before answering you in an autoreferential and recursive
} manner.  You become disoriented and confused.
}
} With a flash of light, you find yourself travelling across the
} Internet. Routers flash by with alarming speed and the route gets
} narrower and narrower as you near your destination.
}
} You arrive in your own Inbox.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for that lady's undergarment
} (soiled).


1264-09    (2asd3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are my settings right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should have three forks, and the salad fork is the first.  The wine
} glass should be on the right, and the napkin should be fanfolded,
} not ringed with one of those cheap napkin holders from Wal-Mart.
}
} Close, though you're not Martha Stewart yet.


1264-10    (3a9ld dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the binding of my self-proclaimed "Spiral-Bound"
> notebook is, in fact, a helix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                         .really..Hol
}                    pective         d.the.
}                .pers        mark         not
}              of       ook.re    ably.l      ebo
}            .      es.l                ike.     ok.
}          er     do     spirals..This      a.     up
}         t     it.    ke.           iron     sp    .t
}        t    t.    .li      e.noti      y.i    ir   o.
}       a    ha    ok     hav      ced.    s.    al   yo
}      m    t     o     t.             th    no   ..   u
}      .    .   .l    gh    hey.got.t    a    t.   B    r
}      a   e    l    i     t        he    t    l   u    .
}     .    c    l   .m   e:    e..   .n    .   o    t   e
}     s   i    i    u    s    h  .    a   M    s    .   y
}     i   t    w    o    e    t     em    e    t   s    e
}     .    o   .    Y.   ht.   .morf.    a    o.   o    .
}      t   n    el   .s    fo.         .d   .n    m    a
}      I    .    g    ko     ynam.sekam    ht    e    n
}            l    na    ob               .e     .    d
}             l    .t     .eseht    rekam     eh    .
}              iw    aht       .fo.s        il     ol
}                .u     .mor            .sex    .ko
}                  oy       f.dweiv.nehw      tni
}                    .dna.                ht.o
}                        larips.    ac.os.e
}                               dell
}
} (You might have to look really close the read the text in the middle.)


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