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Internet Oracularities #1265

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Internet Oracularities #1265    (51 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 30 May 2002 15:50:07 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1265
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1265  51 votes 38kd7 05fjc 0adia 7kf63 4jbe3 59ic7 39ld5 1abhc ekb60 0aegb
1265  3.2 mean  3.3   3.7   3.5   2.6   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.6   2.2   3.5


1265-01    (38kd7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Umm, I don't mean to be impatient oh Great and Wise Oracle, but I
>  wrote to you yesterday concerning a serious and difficult problem
>  and I have yet to receive a response. Was not my offering of pot,
>  beer, expert buxom masseurs, and the ever-useful gold coinage not
>  sufficient? I would like to have the issue resolved soon, please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer in a
} day or two... hey, wait a minute. It's *you* again, isn't it? Look,
} *get it right*, this time. I have iron pots. I have stainless steel
} pots. I ahve copper pots. I have crock pots. You've sent me nearly
} every type of crockery known to man. I have no use for that kind of
} pot. Why do I suspect that if I'd asked you for crack, you would have
} just broken the pottery first?
}
} And beer? You call that *beer*? Get me a German lager, maybe. A nice
} stout. I don't want to see any more of your miserable attempts at
} homebrew. Yes, I know there are good homebreweries. Yours isn't one of
} them.
}
} About the buxom masseurs? One word: female.
}
} And if you're going to send me gold-foil wrapped chocolate coins, at
} least make it decent chocolate, next time? None of this Hershey crap.
} I wouldn't even feed it to a priest.
}
} You owe the Oracle... nah. Let's see you handle those, first.


1265-02    (05fjc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> Is it really better to give than to receive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course. Why do you think I always ask for a tribute? It's certainly
} not for *my* benefit; what would I want with fourteen thousand
} unshelled Brazil nuts? I can buy Brazil nuts at the store like anyone
} else, and I couldn't eat fourteen thousand of them any more easily
} than you could. I don't even *like* Brazil nuts. March '64 Playboy?
} Why, when I have Lisa?  And with all the questions I have to answer,
} do you think I'd have the time to read even a tenth of all the written
} material -- books, essays, stone tablets, finger-paintings -- that
} I've requested in my career? Of course not.
}
} I do it all for you, Supplicant. For you and everyone like you, for
} everyone who's ever come before me, seeking my wisdom. I offer you my
} knowledge, by answering your questions, and then I offer you something
} far more valuable: a mission. A goal to achieve. An opportunity to
} feel as though you've served your fellow man (or immortal, as the case
} may be). A way for you to feel our relationship is an equal one, that
} you have paid a fair price, that you deserve the answers you're given.
}
} Every time I give you a token of information, every time I give you
} the answer to a question, I gain far more than you could ever know.
} I would feel that I was exploiting you if didn't give you the chance
} to give something back, to feel the joy and warmth inside that's an
} innate part of giving. And y'know, I get a little smile just from
} giving you that chance, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a '57 Chevy Bel Air, three hundred thousand dollars
} in small bills, and the remainder of your lifetime in indentured
} servitude to the Oracular temple. Because I care.


1265-03    (0adia dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise,
>
> Remember those "101 Uses for..." lists a while back? Man, those were
> good times, weren't they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gee, golly weren't they!
}
} So here we go; The Top 101 Most Transparent Requests for
} the Oracle to do a Whole Lot of Work.
}
} 1.   What is the meaning of life?
} 10.  Please prove Fermat's last theorem
} 11.  Tell me how to rule the world.
} 100. Once upon a time.  .  .
} 101. What are the top 'X' reasons to "Y"?
}
} Alas, now a day people are too lazy to count in binary.
}
} You owe the Oracle 1010011010 demons.


1265-04    (7kf63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most sympathetic and forgiving Oracle,
>
> Who made KFJ live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DISCLAIMER (mandatory in Alabama)
} Because any theory of origins is unverifiable, the Internet
} Oracle does not assert the veracity or falsehood of any
} of the following theories.
}
} The question of the origins of KFJ have confounded scientists,
} philosophers, and theologians for years.  Among the theories
} of "who made KFJ live" are the following:
}
} 1. "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...."
} 2. The manufacturers of JBL speakers, to get one of their own
}    named as Vice-President.
} 3. Colonel Sanders, until he realized that jicama doesn't sell
}    too well in these parts.
} 4. "And the LORD formed KFJ of the dust of the ground, and
}    breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and KFJ
}    became a living soul."
} 5. The same guy who put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop.
} 6. Anagrammatical analysis suggests a sinister motive
}    implicating gender identity, to wit: "How evil, dame JFK!"
} 7. I did.  Who wants to know?


1265-05    (4jbe3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, so wise in the ways of goats, tell me...
>
> Why does she so badly want to be a guest on my cooking
> show? I didn't even know she could cook!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ] I don't know, Ricky. But she can't be as bad as Ethel. Last night she
} ] tried to make me coffee, and she burned the water.
}
} > Oh no, here she come agin -- wat is that rideeculous ting on her
} > head?
}
} ENTER LUCY, wearing a chef's hat and holding a lopsided and badly
} decorated birthday cake.
}
} ) Look, Ricky! I made it myself!
}
} > What is that thin?!?
}
} ) It's a cake! Here, Fred, light the candles...
}
} ] How did you make that? I din't tink we had any flour in the house.
}
} ) We're all out of the white kind, but I found a big box of the black
} ) kind up in the cabinet!
}
} ] *Black* flour? Waitaminute, Lucy! You din't find that box of
} ] goonpowder I hid in there, did you?
}
} FRED LIGHTS the candles. The cake explodes, leaving frosting all over
} Lucy.
}
} ) Waaaaah!
}
} ROLL CREDITS. You owe the Oracle creme-filled grenade.


1265-06    (59ic7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why'd the raccoon run over Robbie's radio?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You had to ask, didn't you.
} *sigh* Okay, here goes. The raccoon ran over Robbie's radio because...
} ...the asp was already annihilating Anna's astroturf.
} ...the buffalo was too busy beating up Billy's bug blaster.
} ...the camel was caught up cancelling Christy's Compuserve.
} ...the dalmation was dealing with driving Donald's dentist daffy.
} ...the eagle was eating Ellen's epileptic e-mails.
} ...the flamingo was flinging Fred's fingernails for food.
} ...the giraffe was going gaga whilst grazing on Georgia's Google search.
} ...the half-a-bee was harvesting Harold's humectant.
} ...the iguana was ignoring Ingrid's Italian insult comic.
} ...the jackal was jumping on Joey's jacks.
} ...the kangaroo was knocking on Karen's kindergarten teacher.
} ...the llama was lusting after Louie's lava lamp.
} ...the muskrat was mulling over Marie's moose munchies.
} ...the nematode was noshing on Norbert's noodle-noggined newt.
} ...the orangutan was openly overwatering Olive's orchids.
} ...the penguin was pushing Peter's poodle to Poughkeepsie.
} ...the quail was quickly and quietly questioning Quentin's quibble.
} ...the snake was snapping Susie's serendipitous sneakers.
} ...the tiger was taking his time trapping Trent's typographical errors.
} ...the upside-down-pipefish was usurping Ursula's umbrella.
} ...the viper was vomiting on Victor's vector.
} ...the wasp was walking on Willa's Wonka bar.
} ...the xebu was x'ing-out Xavier's xylophone.
} ...the yak was yapping about Yetta's yolks.
} and, finally,
} ...the zebra was zipping over Zachary's zoo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new dictionary and some anti-alliteration therapy.


1265-07    (39ld5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most thrifty and worthwhile,
>
> If people were allowed to say exactly which government service
> was to receive the money they are forced to hand over as tax-money
> which services would they fund, what expenditures would not get any
> money at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, probably the IRS, which in turn would make sorting through tax
} returns all that much more difficult. You would also get your refund
} about 5 years after you file.
}
} The EPA would receive about 10% of what it needs to pay a secretary.
}
} The NEA would get lots more with the added note that no more Piss
} Christs are expected.
}
} The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms would not be funded until
} they reverse their mission as regulators and start providing what they
} advertise. ("Who's bringing the chips?")


1265-08    (1abhc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Usenet Oracle,
> We've recently increased our circulation to enable us to send you
> a Free Subscription to Oracle Magazine - the definitive source
> for information on the use and development of Oracle products.
> Oracle Magazine provides comprehensive coverage of all Oracle
> products with features an columns that provide in-depth analysis
> from industry analysts; comprehensive coverage of industry trends;
> up-to-date information on Oracle Database Server, Oracle 9iAS, Oracle
> E-Business Suite, internet computing, and tools; third-party product
> announcements; technical articles on working with Oracle products
> and operating environments; software tuning tips; and Oracle customer
> application stories.
>
> Upcoming issues of Oracle will feature stories about developing for
> wireless, security, planning for content management; PLUS starting
> with the July/August issue, you'll get the new developer-specific
> section with information on various industry standards, tutorials on
> developing applications, and insights from development experts inside
> and outside of Oracle.  Don't miss out - register by May 22!
>
> Regards,
> Circulation Director
>
> Copyright (c) 2002, Oracle Corporation. All rights reserved.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Director,
}
} I am writing to you on behalf of one our client, Mr. Oracle, to whom
} you recently sent an invitation to register for your magazine.
}
} Mr. Oracle had a look and was horrified to find a section on your web
} site entitled "Ask Tom" in which members of the public are invited
} to "Ask a Question". This is a blatant rip-off of his own service
} and must be stopped instantly.  I enclose a copy of the hyperlink
} for your consideration.
}
} We will be seeking punitive damages under the jurisdiction of the
} Supreme Court of Delphi, which, as you know, still permits the
} Zot-penalty for crimes of this magnitude.
}
} I await your response.
}
} H. Angem-Hi,
} Senior Partner.
}
} Enc: http://asktom.oracle.com/pls/ask/f?p=4950:1:


1265-09    (ekb60 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, greater than the greatest gods, hotter than the hottest
> coals, tighter than the tightest tights, and more oracular than a
> chipped tooth:
>
> I recently subscribed to a porn site.  I don't think there's any shame
> in that.  I was in one of the little rooms with the girls and the
> webcams, yeah yeah, it's kind of embarrassing...and I was seized by the
> compulsion to buy "private time" with Jade.  30 bucks for 5 minutes.
> So I got her to myself, asked her to take her shirt off, she did
> (yes they were worth the money.  really amazing.), and I enjoyed it.
> So my question is, why do I feel unfulfilled?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Did you see the pics of the combine?  And those seperators?  Get a
} wouldn't be.  Now, put daddy's credit card back and hope he doesn't
} notice the charges when the bill comes in...
}
} You owe the Oracle $30 for a 5-minute LIVE video of a harvester
} IN ACTION!


1265-10    (0aegb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle your ideas are like flagellates for us lowly mortals,
> firmly whipping us in the right direction towards the correct
> evolutionary path.  For this, we thank you. The Oracle is A
> Good Thing.
>
> If you got together all the world's scientists, and all the
> world's philosophers, and asked them what science is about,
> what would they answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you put all the world's philospohers and all the world's scientists
} into one great room to talk about the meaning of science, they would
} all have the same thing to say;
}
} "Is there free dinner?"
}
} That is what science is all about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cornish Game Hen, Salisbury Steak, or a vegetarian
} meal, with choice of Baked Potato or Rice Pilaf side dish..


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