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Internet Oracularities #1266

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Internet Oracularities #1266    (57 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 2002 12:41:54 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
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   1266
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1266  57 votes 0cki7 8kfb3 1cli5 2lfg3 04hgk 14akm 24oj8 27nk5 19pf7 5dif6
1266  3.3 mean  3.4   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.9   4.0   3.5   3.3   3.3   3.1


1266-01    (0cki7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most icthytastic,
>
> So, Spider-man was bitten by some sort of super spider.  I'll buy that.
> But what if he had been bitten by a super fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Babe: Fish-Man! Evil forces are ravishing the city!
}
} Fish-Man: Get them to enter my tank and I'll show them!
}
} Babe: !!
}
} Fish-Man: Hey, could you shake some food outta that container
}           over there into my tank for me? I'm starved. No! NO!
}           NOT THAT MUCH! TOO MUCH! Ack! Ack! AAAAAAAAAHHH!
}
} Babe: Uh-oh.


1266-02    (8kfb3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a Counterstrike name so bad that the opponents will have no
> choice but to let me win?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle.


1266-03    (1cli5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who rocks the cazbah,
>
> What is this strange burning sensation I've been feeling recently?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Supplicant's Guide to Various Sensations P3496(did you lose
} your copy again?):
}
} Burning sensations have varying causality depending on which body
} region said sensation is experienced.
}
} Hair: You are asleep or hallucinating; hair has no nerve endings.
} Head: Fever.
} Ears: Someone is talking about you.
} Nose: Buy softer tissues.
} Mouth: Capsacin.
} Eyes: You probably rubbed them after eating whatever made your mouth
}       burn.
} Fingers: Someone is sending you a package.
} Neck, Chest, Back: Sunburn.
} Intestines: Order milder wings next time.  Just wait, there will be a
}       worse burning sensation in a couple of hours.
} Butt: You've been sitting too long.  Get some excersise.  Also see
}       'intestines'.
} Groin: One of several STD's.  Next time use protection, if enough is
}       left for there to be a next time.
} Knees: Rugburn.
} Feet: Walking on hot coals is a trick, do not try at home.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation for this burning sensation in my
} Inbox.


1266-04    (2lfg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm a sweaty mess.  Yet I've been at work all day in this
> air-conditioned office, am under no stress, have a good life...why
> is this happening to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such is the fate of all ice-cream cones.
}
} You owe the Oracle a second dip and some sprinkles.


1266-05    (04hgk dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most superior and pappy,
>
> Why do women want fake breasts anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To impress fake men.


1266-06    (14akm dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most circular oracle,
>
> My palms are in prayer to thee......
>
> What is time management?
> How can I manage my time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    .>> Time Management -- A Brief History <<.
}
} Back at the dawn of human civilization Time Management
} was easy. They had but one unit of time. The Day.
}
} [ A cave in what is now southern Germany. A huge browed
}   man steps out of the cave and shakes a spiky club at
}   the dawn on the eastern horizon. ]
}
} Og: SUN UP!
}
} [ From inside a female voice is heard. ]
}
} Ogwa: Go kill Mam-OTH. Back sun down.
}
} Og: Og look sun! Back sun down.
}
}                    .>>--<<.
}
} Then the Babylonians went and invented months and years
} and hours and minutes and the long forgotten splortple.
} No longer could just anyone manage time. A priestly
} class evolved.
}
} [ High atop a ziggurat sits a blue squat temple in it
}   sit two very high priests. ]
}
} EonD'AViZ: Dude, this is some good bud. Oh wow, look
}            at the calendar. Tomorrow we gotta go out
}            and tell those grubby peasants to plant
}            more squash.
}
} ArkM'ages: Dude.
}
}                     .>>--<<.
}
} Time marched on, managed all the while, especially by
} the Romans that whipped time into submission with calends
} and ides and drips of water and dropping sands. And all
} was good. But with the Dark Ages time got loose and ran
} rampant for who knows how long, for time had gone feral,
} expect for small domestic bits of time keep in monasteries
} by tonsured monks.
}
} [ A dreary, muddy, festering medieval village market. A
}   smelly peasant is trying to sell a young monk a goat's
}   head on a stick. ]
}
} Monk: Yuck. How long has ye goat been dead?
}
} Peasant: Every since it's head fell off.
}
} Monk; True, but say when did that happen?
}
} Peasant: When it died.
}
} Monk: Verily, but did that happen yesterday, or last
}       fortnight, or two months ago or what?
}
} Peasant: When I struck it with yon axe.
}
} Monk: Give me strength!
}
}                      .>>--<<.
}
} It wasn't until The Industrial Revolution that time was
} brought back into line.
}
} [ A slum in what is now southern England. A huge browed
}   man steps out of his hovel and shakes a hairy fist at
}   howling factory whistle in the distance. ]
}
} Mr. O'G: My shift it be a startin'.
}
} [ From inside a female voice is heard. ]
}
} Ms. O'G: Go to work then already. And don't be a stoppin'
}          at the pub on the way home.
}
} Mr. O'G: Aye, I'll be back.
}
}                      .>>--<<.
}
} Now a days time is divided into nanoseconds and CPU cycles
} and highly valuable prime time and the dreaded down time
} and things have to be done in no time and near black holes
} and at high speeds time gets all kind of elastic like the
} bands at the top of Rosie O'Donnell's sweat pants and only
} highly trained geeks and keep track of it all.
}
} [ A sub-basement in a dreary University in the middle of
}   some dull state on the edge of The Great Plains. ]
}
} Admin #1: Dude, check out my desktop countdown clock
}           keeping track of the days until "The Two
}           Towers" comes out.
}
} Admin #2: Righteous, like but I hacked emacs to show
}           that -plus- the Mayan Long Count.
}
} Admin #1: Dude.
}
}                       .>>--<<.
}
} What will the future hold for time? Only time can tell,
} and it's not talking. Yet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Felix the Cat wall clock.


1266-07    (24oj8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Isn't it time we teach our children some politically correct games
> instead of all those insensitive, outdated old ones?
> Visually Impaired Person's Bluff instead of Blindman's Bluff?
> Lethal Injection-Person instead of Hangman?
> Senior Citizen Household Attendant instead of Old Maid?
> Misunderstood Sea Creature instead of Shark?
> Socialist Rover instead of Red Rover?
>
> I have my lawyer on the phone. Any advice you can give me to help us
> force sensitivity into children would be appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, are you behind the curve or what.
}
} Pimping Political Correctness is akin to believing the
} world is flat.
}
} In today's world it's Extremism that rules. The young'uns
} of today play violent video games where reflexive murder
} is rewarded, where one is placed in immediate danger if
} you pause, be it to reload or, ha-ha, smell the roses.
}
} IF, and a big "F" it is, IF kids did play those old
} "outside in the air with other people" games the games
} would be more like this:
}
} Blindman's Bluff would be: Taunt the Firing Squad
} Prisoner During his last Few Moments Alive
}
} Hangman would be: Words to Die By, Bye-Bye
}
} Old Maid would be: Darwinian Dead-end
}
} Red Rover would be: Snap the Other Team's Wrists so
} they can't Shoot Straight
}
} Duck-Duck-Goose would be: Exclude, then Execute the
} Slow
}
} Hop-Scotch would be: Minefield Duty -3rd World Style
}
} Crack the Whip would be: Food Chain Cast-offs
}
} Hide and Go Seek would be: Someone's Gone Postal!
} Try and Hide!
}
} You owe the Oracle some car jacks and a medicine ball.


1266-08    (27nk5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grandest and most elegant Oracle,
>   Please tell me if this is true:
>
> The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
> because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
> weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no, Supplicant, that's an urban legend.  It's
} people's garages and basements that are sinking due to the
} weight of printed matter, specifically every issue of
} National Geographic ever published.
}
} The problem with the library at IU, and indeed with most
} academic facilities, is faculty egos.  On average, these are
} the size of planets, or at least small moons.  They tend to
} be extremely dense, and are therefore quite difficult to
} shrink, and nearly impervious to any kind of attack.  You
} might think they could just leave them outside, but many
} faculty members find it impossible to remain detached from
} their egos for long enough to accomplish anything useful.
} So you can see where this requires careful engineering.
}
} You owe the Oracle tenure.


1266-09    (19pf7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: wise beyond comprehension, humble enough to answer this pitiful
> query.
>
> Subject: Chicken.
> Location: Highway 45, south side.
> Object: Progres to north side.
>
> Please provide motive.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chicken Little looked over her plans once more.  She still could not
} find any flaws.  Goosey Loosey and Cocky Locky agreed, they would make
} their escape that night.  Highway 45 was always deserted that time of
} night.  With luck they would all make it across safely.
}
} Maybe, just maybe, Foxy Loxy was right, and the sky was not falling
} over there, but there was only one way to be sure, and that was to get
} to the other side.


1266-10    (5dif6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle,
>
> Do you have a guide for translating The Sims language into English?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A few basic phrases from Sim to English, that should
} be enough to get you by....
}
} Ahhhh.        =    Thank you for the new chair.
}
} Rasta, Frelling...[mumbles] = The Sim hates the new
} chair you bought, your lack of a decent computer, your
} car, and basically everything you stand for.
}
} Blah. Blah.   =    Hi, how are you?  I like [insert
} clip art symbol here]
}
} Ay!  Ungalay! =    The Sims is hungry.  And broke.
}
} Dak-Dack.     =    Sure.  Fine.  Whatever.
}
} *yawn*        =    The Sim wants to sleep, but not in
} the bed you bought.
}
} Utini! (high pitched) =    Wants to watch "Star Wars",
} but not on the tv you bought.
}
} Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!
}   =       The Sim requires a shrubbery, and will now
} cringe whenever another Sim says the word "Ni".
}
} Ni  =  The Sim uses this phrase to torment a rival Sim
} who is in need of a shrubbery.
}
} Wacka Chacka Wacka   =    The Sim likes the new
} "remove censorship" patch you downloaded.
}
} Ka-chuba Baka (and begins beating another Sim with the
} Pink Flamingo from the yard)   =   The Sim hates the
} pervert Sim next door who convinced you to install the
} "remove censorship" patch and max out her Outgoing
} attribute.
}
} Mmmmph-dingo  =    The Sim read online that there was
} an expansion pack you have not bought yet.
}
} Uk-daaaa CHING!  = You owe the Oracle a new expansion
} pack that includes Lawn Darts.


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