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Internet Oracularities #1267

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Internet Oracularities #1267    (50 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002 13:57:10 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1267
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1267  50 votes 17nb8 2cgf5 6dk74 3chc6 59fba 3djc3 7cca9 1ajf5 36ida 5ddf4
1267  3.1 mean  3.4   3.2   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.0   3.0   3.3   3.4   3.0


1267-01    (17nb8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  A wise scholar is the lettered and knowledgeable Oracle.  He is
>  scholarly and aware of all.
>
>  How does a cold differ from the hots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No one ever had to take out a restraining order against me because I
} had a cold.
}
} You owe the oracle some chicken soup and a box of tissues.


1267-02    (2cgf5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, that's your name don't wear it out.
>
> Where do weeds come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When a weed knows another weed very, very well. For a long,
} long time. And they have a lawn all ready and big enough for
} their seedlings, then a special magic happens.
}
} First the boy weed will signal his interest in the girl
} weed. Usually he does this by stammering out, "So are
} you doing anything before they mow the lawn next weekend
} and our heads get lopped off by huge, loud twirling blades?"
}
} Notice a good boy weed doesn't blurt out like some fool,
} "I.WANT.2.POLLINATE.U!"
}
} Anyway, if the girl weed shows she's interested by demurely
} dropping a leaf while batting her eyes or by snapping her
} thong, then the boy and girl weed go on a "date". The boy
} shows up with a bunch of red, freshly plucked humans and
} hands them to the girl weed.
}
} Then the two weeds go to a nice EPA rated movie, or to
} a nice compost heap to suck some decaying matter in thru
} their roots. Usually this is followed by the boy weed
} taking her for a lawn, lawn drive and invariably saying
} that he's run out of grass.
}
} Then without fail they #################################
} #########################################################
} ########################################################
} And if they're not too tired ########################
} ##################################################
}
} You owe the Oracle a tank of Round-Up(tm).


1267-03    (6dk74 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of a house full, ye who allows us peeks at the
> cards that nature holds close to her ample chest,
>
> So how what happened to the pony?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's still there, third from the left. Once Marissa realized that it
} was hopeless, the prime minister resigned, taking only the two dirty
} socks and the reciprocating saw with him to Jamaica.
}
} And you thought I wouldn't know what you were talking about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a currycomb.


1267-04    (3chc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I grovel at thee until my throat is hoarse and my lungs
> shrunken for want of air and I have not yet begun to hint at the
> perfection that thou art.
>
> I beseech thee, tell me why haven't I received my prizes yet?  I sent
> told the nice man on the phone my credit card numbers like he asked
> but all I've g otten is a large bill for a mail-order bride.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle hears your lament and is willing to assist in your plight.
} If I recall correctly, you selected the "handsome 6-piece luggage set"
} and the "men's 14-karat wristwatch" as your gifts.  Please send the
} Oracle your credit card number and he will make sure that the prizes
} are sent straight away.  Do not be alarmed by any strange charges on
} your bill, the Oracle must make sure that the credit card number is
} a valid one before the prizes can be sent, and you may rest assured
} that the all-powerful Oracle will wipe these charges from your account
} as soon as possible.
}
} You owe the Oracle your PIN number and credit limit.


1267-05    (59fba dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle of greatness, I have for thee these questions three:
>
> 1) Thou hath seen two witcheth on the Sabbath glee, yet thy priests do
> vanquith not?
>
> 2) Yeah, mate, I've got a problem. I think I've got schizophrenia. What
> shall I do?
>
> 3) Me had three questions?
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Join the world's largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.
> http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you can see, gentlemen, this is a classic case of multiple
} personality disorder.  The subject, due to intense psychological
} trauma either at a particularly sensitive time in his life or else
} over a period of several months during childhood, appears to have
} created for himself four distinct personae.
}
} } May I ask him a question, Orrie?
}
} Certainly, doctor.
}
} } Mr. Plicant, do you find ordinary life stressful?
}
} > Thy question delves in deeping shades beneath the shadows of
} > mine eyen!  The half-made murder of living flesh doth haunt us
} > all twixt birth and rot!
} >
} > Eh, mate, life's not so bad when I'm at a barbie with a good
} > beer in me belly, if you get my meanin'.
} >
} > Og find life stress-full when rock fall on head.
} >
} > _________________________________________________________________
} > Enjoy the leading business productivity suite with MS Office.
} > http://www.microsoft.com/office
}
} It's easy to see that the patient suffers from a refracted
} symptomization of Bartell Syndrome, with no small truncation of
} the necessary reflexation principle.  It's difficult to isolate the
} particular chemical schematic of the phenomenon, but we think it is
} located in the region of the hampusidal cortex.
}
} } Have you considered insulin feedback?
}
} The patient was unaffected by a preliminary injection.
}
} } Mr. Plicant, have you ever experienced severe blackouts, fainting
} } spells, or seizures during or after a high-pressure situation, or
} } after taking medication?
}
} > The crow hoarsely cried when near I came to elder Morrow's house;
} > thrice did I circle the darkened manse twixt moss and briars
} > thick.  Never once did darkness tumble o'er my saintly, bristel'd
} > brow!
} >
} > Me little lady's said to me many a time that I's got a wee bit
} > heavy in the head after too many brews, if you catch my meanin.
} >
} > World go dark when Og fall off cliff, or when boulder crash into
} > Og head.  Me good, though.  Not hurt Og.
} >
} > _________________________________________________________________
} > Experience the best in email clients with MS Entourage.
} > http://www.microsoft.com/mac/entouragex
}
} } Very perplexing.  What do you intend to do?
}
} He's a fascinating exhibit; I think I might just keep him as he is
} and take him around to medical schools like a travelling
} psychological freak show.
}
} } Can he do tricks?
}
} Watch this.  Mr. Plicant, sing us a song!
}
} > The humble slave of mighty Baal doth kneel here before you;
} > He hath no robe, no crown upon him, but meagre blood he dons,
} > Crying forth "Ashama, ti lalaambo harkath, istho arko oro,"
} > His master comes, his footsteps approaching from beyond!
} >
} > 46 bottles of beer on the wall,
} > 46 bottles of beer!
} > Take one down, pass it around,
} > 45 bottles of beer on the wall!
} > 45 bottles of beer on the wall...
} >
} > Og love moon! Og love tree!
} > Og love Ogma with her little... bee!
} > Og love stream! Og love snow!
} > Og love Oglings with their little... bow!
} > Og like rock! Og like wood!
} > Og hate Thag-Thag if he is not good!
} >
} > _________________________________________________________________
} > Hear industry-leading sound with MS Windows Media Player.
} > http://www.microsoft.com/windows/windowsmedia


1267-06    (3djc3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Haikus which are blessed
> are better than all the rest
> this one fails the test

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was a supplicant who
} Wrote a query formed like a haiku
} Must three lines be the max?
} For of those I've got stacks
} And limericks are awfully nice too.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Spencerian sonnet.


1267-07    (7cca9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No, the previouos answer was better.  Could you repeate it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine, but please in the future try to keep it to one question
} per submisson.
}
} * True or False?
}
}   True, falsies are old hat. Keep your aim in mind, buy true.
}
} * Yes or No?
}
}   Buy Maybe instead. Sure fence sitting hurts, but being wrong
}   hurts more.
}
} * 'tis or 'taint?
}
}    This is a family group young man!
}
} *  Do or die?
}
}    Buy Do exclusively. No future in dying.
}
} *  Green or red?
}
}    Add some green to your portfolio. Red sauce on enchiladas is
}    too trendy. Mixing them is Neuvo madness.
}
} *  Black or white?
}
}    Buy Color, unless it was filmed in black and white to begin
}    with. Ted Turner is evil by the way.
}
} *  Boy or girl?
}
}    Get the opposite of whatever you are, unless you'd
}    prefer not to...
}
} *  1 or 0?
}
}    Task successful is always best.
}
} *  X or Y?
}
}    Invest in XY, then you can make more of the others.
}
} *  '/' or '.'?
}
}    Neither should be on your $PATH, get rid of them now!
}
} *  Pig or human?
}
}    It's hard to tell, but leave Madeline Albright alone.
}
} *  Dead or alive?
}
}    If the reward is the same go for dead, easier to transport.
}
} *  New or old?
}
}    If it's food go for new, otherwise go for old.
}
} *  Sluggy Freelance or User Friendly?
}
}    Invest in User Abuser is the wave of tomorrow, as it is today.
}
} *  In or out?
}
}    Get all the in -and- out you can, repeat until tired.
}
} *  Fallout or Baldur's Gate?
}
}    Quake2 CTF is far better.
}
} *  Up or down?
}
}    Didn't I answer this one just two back?
}
} *  Question or answer?
}
}    Go question! You learn more that way. Answers earn you nothing,
}    take it from me.
}
} *  T or null?
}
}    Null, more room for growth.
}
} *  Dave Barry rip-offs, or bad Monty Python homage's?
}
}    As long as it's not Steve Wright again I'm okay. But humor
}    is a short term gig. Buy sparingly.
}
} *  Big or small?
}
}    Start small, then get big.
}
} *  New or old?
}
}    Hmm, another repeat.
}
} *  An Infocom or Eliza parody?
}
}     NEITHER! Retro is old hat.
}
} *  Marvel or DC?
}
}    Buy Zap! OK, OK, some retro is cool.
}
} *  A or B?
}
}    O negative, think larger market share
}
} *  Vorlon or Shadow?
}
}    Vorlon until five, then Shadow.
}
} *  Cat or dog?
}
}    Hmm, think I'll have a salad actually.
}
} *  GURPS or In-Nomine?
}
}    Neither. Both are dead ends.
}
} *  Vulcan or Klingon?
}
}    Trebbles, tremendous growth potential
}
} *  Plus or minus?
}
}    Think multiply, far more fun...
}
} *  Red Hat or Debian?
}
}    FreeBSD is under priced, it is the next wave
}
} *  Linux or Windows?
}
}    Sheesh, you need to ask???
}
} *  KDE or GNOME?
}
}    The human GNOME project holds great promise, but I'd not
}    invest in it as of yet.
}
} *  Tall or short?
}
}    It is far better to have loved a short than to never have loved
}    a tall.
}
} *  King Kong or Godzilla?
}
}    King Kong. King Kong is funny. Godzilla is something you
}    laugh at.
}
} *  Gary Coleman or Webster?
}
}    Neither. You suggested this one to you? Don't ever talk to
}    them again.
}
} *  Steve or Brian?
}
}    Why Kinzler, of course.
}
} *  His or hers?
}
}    Its, why risk alienating either gender?
}
} *  A Rottweiler or a Rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas?
}
}    Cornet the market on angry pugs. Trust me on this one.
}
} *  WWWF Grudgematch or Comic Book Universe Battles?
}
}    Neither.
}
} *  TSR or Steve Jackson Games?
}
}    Terminate and Stay Resident, wow, haven't thought of
}    that term in years.
}
} *  Weird or normal?
}
}    'When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.'
}     Hunter S. Thompson
}
} *  Fat Man or Little Boy?
}
}    Ow. Neither. Bioagents if you must.
}
} *  Child or adult?
}
}    I'll take the senior plate.
}
} *  Work or play?
}
}    Retire at 30
}
} *  TCP/IP or X.25?
}
}    TCP/IP
}
} *  Hacker or cracker?
}
}    Stockpile Hacker, in the original sense of the word. It's
}    money in the bank.
}
} *  Quake 3 Arena or Unreal Tournament?
}
}    Q3A! id rules.
}
} *  Sysadmin or operator?
}
}     root or die.
}
} *  B5 or Star Trek?
}
}    Philip K. Dick, if it don't make you think it shouldn't
}    be called SCIFI, dump all shares of TV based shows.
}
} *  Star Control II or Starflight?
}
}     QUAKE!QUAKE!QUAKE! q1,q2,q3. id,id,id!
}
} * Cathedral or Bazaar?
}
}   Flea market in a church parking lot
}
} *  ESR or RMS?
}
}    Bob
}
} *  Alpha Centauri or Civilization: Call to Power?
}
}    QUAKE! Hello, are you listening?! id!
}
} *  Number 1 or Number 2?
}
}    When you gotta go, do we need to know?
}
} *  Radio or TV?
}
}    MP3
}
} * Kirk or Picard?
}
}    Neither
}
} *  Hunger or thirst?
}
}    No, but thanks for asking.
}
} *  Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat?
}
}    sigh, quake2
}
} *  Free Software or Open Source?
}
}    Open Source
}
} *  Public or private?
}
}    privates, porn will always make cash.
}
} *  Console or terminal?
}
}    console
}
} *  Radiohead or Pearl Jam?
}
}    Burzum, but don't tell your mom you bought it.
}
} *  Perl or Python?
}
}    perl rocks! Python hangs in trees waiting for goats
}    to wander under it's bloated body so it can drop on
}    them an break their backs, not a pretty picture.
}
} * LOOK AT or EXAMINE?
}
}    neither
}
} *  Postfix or qmail?
}
}    qmail, it's saved my a.. more than once
}
} *  Winners or losers?
}
}    well, d'oh!
}
} *  [Z] or [O]?
}
}    [T]
}
} *  Chocolate or strawberry?
}
}    vanilla, no chance of allergic reactions, less chance
}    of being sued
}
} *  IBM or Microsoft?
}
}    Microsoft, the shares are gold. yeah Bill sux,
}    but investors need to get past personal qualms.
}    Weapons are good investments too, as are bunkers.
}
} *  CompuServe or Prodigy?
}
}    private T1
}
} * Halloween or Christmas?
}
}   Stock up on Saturnalia, best of both worlds
}
} *  Tooth or nail?
}
}    Tooth -and- nail
}
} *  Digital or analog?
}
}    Look into RL
}
} *  China or Taiwan?
}
}    Tibet, trendy, but less likely to get nuked.
}
} * Pepsi or Coca-Cola?
}
}   Diet Dr Pepper
}
} *  The Lady or The Tiger?
}
}    Lady, tigers tend to bite the hand that feeds them
}    while on the other hand...
}
} *  Truth or dare?
}
}    Truth, less risky
}
} *  Good or evil?
}
}    evil short term, good long term
}
} *  Siskel or Ebert?
}
}    two thumbs down on both
}
} *  Calvin & Hobbes or Dilbert?
}
}    Both past their prime, you want comics? keep your
}    eye on Neil Gaiman to return to the field.
}
} *  Full or empty?
}
}    Empty has more of a future
}
} *  Warlords or Heros of Might and Magic?
}
}    id, how many times I got to say this?
}
} *  Angband or Nethack?
}
}    difference too small to compute
}
} *  Emacs or vi?
}
}    vi is The One True Editor
}
} *  NetWare or NT?
}
}    Oracle
}
} *  elvis or vim?
}
}    tough call, I'm using vim to type this, but
}    elvis is good too, probably even better, plus the
}    name is a grabber. nothing like having the king himself
}    save your tmp files...ok, go elvis
}
} *  XEMACS or GNUEmacs?
}
}    Emacs? Hey, if you want huge, slow and bloated buy WORD
}
} *  Money for nothing or your chicks for free?
}
}     TISNSTAAFL
}
} *  80s or 90s?
}
}    00's
}
} *  XYZZY or Hello, Sailor?
}
}    iddt
}
} *  Hong Kong or Hollywood?
}
}    Helsinki
}
} *  Shirts or skins?
}
}    depends on the size of yer gut
}
} *  Billy Joel or The Beatles?
}
}    Frank Zappa, look for a huge re interest in this master
}
} *  Manual or automatic?
}
}    Manual, last thing I want is a car that is trying
}    to think
}
} *  Cheap or expensive?
}
}    thrills: cheap  health care: expensive
}
} *  MTV or VH1?
}
}    RL
}
} *  Poetry or prose?
}
}    USENET, besides you can get it for a song, one million
}    monkeys with typewriters can't be all wrong
}
} *  Professional or amateur?
}
}    intern, hey if it's good enough for the most powerful
}    man on Earth, it's good enough for me
}
} * More or less?
}
}   Where's Jerry Brown when you need him?
}
} *  Letterman or Leno?
}
}    Letterman. Being mean to the guests is funny. Leno has
}    that huge chin to support too
}
} *  The Matrix or The Phantom Menace?
}
}    Fight Club, Think 'Brazil' with lots of blood.
}    Don't let anyone tell you it is anything else.
}
} *  PC or Mac?
}
}    SUN
}
} *  Conan O'Brian or Bill Maher?
}
}    Conan by a mile
}
} *  Slashdot or LinuxToday?
}
}    look at gettingit.com, buy none of them though
}
} *  Ultima or Might & Magic?
}
}    hello! Quake1,2or3a
}
} *  Forever or never?
}
}    never say never, forever has staying power. buy
}
} *  India or Pakastan?
}
}    gotta go with India, they got Kali
}
} *  "Plan 9 from Outer Space" or "Glen or Glenda"?
}
}    try the under-rated "The 42nd Parallel"
}
} *  Longer or shorter?
}
}    Longer, you can make it shorter later if ya want.
}
} You owe the Oracle the word 'quake' written 365 times,
} in lava.


1267-08    (1ajf5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and omniscient Oracle, whose infinite knowledge could allow
> him to do just about anything, tell me...
>
> If you're so smart, how come you're stuck in Indiana answering
> my questions instead of sitting on a beach living off your stock
> market gains?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dreary it must be to be so wedded to the temporal that you
} can only be one place at a time, and even worse, at one time
} when at any place.
}
} The Oracle is as, he has the incarnation type this for him,
} not only manning the queue, but also discussing the end of
} the world with The Wandering Jew, giving Zadoc and Og a list
} of housekeeping things they must do, explaining to Santa, again,
} why houses with flues are so few, speed reading an article in
} the Wall Street Journal in loo about zoos, stopping at Mabel's
} for a hot cup of stew, helping Jason pick out a fine hearty
} crew, stocking the cellar with rare homemade brew, resetting
} the value of $foobar and $foo, making plans to make super
} sticky War Emblem glue, telling Noah he just needs one ameba,
} not two, checking the moons of Jupiter to see if what Arthur
} Clarke said was true, and last but not least scarping some
} blasted gum off the sole of his shoe.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cow that goes 'moo'.


1267-09    (36ida dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great and mightily sane Oracle, whose level-headed rationality
>  contrasts your rounded shape, tell me...
>
>  Whenever I see someone doing something dumbheaded over and over, I
>  always tell them, "Insanity is defined as the act of doing something
>  over and over while expecting different results."  But it never
>  seems to make a difference.  Am I crazy or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ARGH! Our records show this is the 375th time you've submitted
} that question to the queue. Enough already!


1267-10    (5ddf4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most proficient in the ancient art of
> napkin folding, keeper of wisdom and good taste
> in furniture,
>
> if you were stranded on a deserted island, and
> could bring one musketeer, one danish cheese
> and one popular TV show which would you choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would choose to kill myself.


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