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Internet Oracularities #1268

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Internet Oracularities #1268    (53 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Jun 2002 08:17:13 -0500 (EST)

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B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1268
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1268  53 votes 29me6 13gkd 16uc4 0dna7 18jl4 35lk4 5ih76 45jeb 06hic 5ckd3
1268  3.3 mean  3.2   3.8   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.3   2.8   3.4   3.7   2.9


1268-01    (29me6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most fine and spacious and lightweight, I'm having a
> terrible time finding the right purse.  Here are my specs:
>
> - When fully loaded, must be no more than 15 x 20 x 5 cm
> - When fully loaded, must weigh no more than 450 g
>       (Non-metric folk:  about 6 x 8 x 2 inches; one pound)
> - Long shoulder strap
> - Stylish -- no frumpy "grandma" purses.  Maybe a Kate Spade.
> - Must be able to carry the following in the purse:
>
>       Keys
>       Wallet and checkbook
>       Make-up case
>       Extra pair of stockings
>       Assorted medications (several days' worth)
>       First aid kit
>       Toothbrush, toothpaste, comb
>       Handkerchief
>       Box of Kleenex
>       Lunch and snacks, at least two days' worth
>       Liter of water
>       Sneakers and workout gear
>       Bicycle tire repair kit
>       Roller skates
>       Rain gear
>       Notepad
>       Pens, pencils, erasers
>       Set of oil paints & brushes
>       Several large textbooks
>       A few trashy novels (for when the textbooks get boring)
>       Oxford English Dictionary (for when the novels get boring)
>       Tool kit
>       Flashlight
>       Phone, PDA, pager, calculator, and iPod with headphones
>       Apple Titanium PowerBook
>       Portable generator (for when the batteries run down)
>       Towel
>
> I haven't been able to find anything that's even close.
> Can you help, O marvelous Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's careful packing skills you need more than anything. To get
} all those items in a space that small you need to carefully
} arrange the items first. Place the heaviest items under the
} lightest items and thrust them all into a trash compactor. It
} may take a few tries, but with practice you'll get them all
} into a lump that will fit. To reduce weight then drill some
} holes in the resulting mass.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pocket knife, some keys and a wallet.


1268-02    (13gkd dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose brain is so large the finding hats to fit is a chore...
>
> What's your IQ ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My IQ is the ratio of my mental age to my chronological age, multiplied
} by one hundred and then rounded to the nearest integer.
}
} Chronologically, I'm approximately three million years old, as my
} embryonic essence was created with the first glimmer of consciousness
} in the human mind. However, as I have all knowledge that currently
} exists anywhere that is anyplace, my mental age is approximately
} fourteen billion years, the age of the universe. As a result, my IQ is
} 4721.
}
} You might find it easier to fathom this if I place it in comparison:
}
} God: [that little sideways eight symbol that those of us In The Know
}       like to call a lemniscate]
}
} The Usenet Oracle: 4721
}
} Deep Thought: 3000
}
} Garha'xt Vendleheim (You don't know him. He's this guy from the west
}  second spiral arm that I sometimes play checkers with.): 1680
}
} Those Big-Headed Aliens From Star Trek: 600
}
} The Oracle's Little Finger (left): 210
}
} Albert Einstein: 169
}
} Lisa: 152
}
} An Average Oracular Priest: 140
}
} An Average Digested Supplicant: 128
}
} George Burns: 119
}
} Homer (the Greek one): 110
}
} Benjamin Garret, 43 Evergreen St, Fox Hollow, NC: 100
}
} Lassie: 93
}
} Brittany Spears: 81
}
} Zadok: 76
}
} Timmy Martin (owner of Lassie): 62
}
} Homer (the other one): 43
}
} An Average Hotmail Supplicant: 36
}
} The Oracle's Toenail Clippings: 24
}
} A Piece of Wood: 3
}
} You owe the Oracle a new scale. It's embarrassing to appear on the same
} list as some of these people.


1268-03    (16uc4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oracle most wise, witty, wonderful, and whimsical, I need some help.
>
>  I have been reading your advice since a computer with an Intel 386 CPU
>  was considered top of the line, and have generally considered it quite
>  humorous.  When granted the honor of actually voting on the digests,
>  the vast majority of my votes were three or better.  Twos were
>  reserved for those oracularities that some dark priest must have snuck
>  into the digest, and I don't remember voting any ones.
>
>  Lately, though, my votes have been dropping.  While the one is still
>  quite rare, twos and threes are becoming the most common votes, with a
>  five being quite hard to justify.
>
>  I realize that this cannot be due in any part to you or your priests,
>  for you are infallible.  The problem must then be with me.
>
>  Great Oracle, how may I realign my sense of humor with yours?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, just as your 386 no longer meets the needs of today's
} world your sense of humor is too hopeless outdated in the
} ever changing world of competitive mirth. Yes, those jokes
} you learned in junior high still crack you up, but that's
} the problem.
}
} Unfortunately there is no easy such as Read all the Digests in
} order twice, or write an essay on why Dennis Miller is such a
} lame buffoon. No, more drastic action is called for.
}
} You're going to need more than an upgrading, you need a whole
} new sense of humor installed.
}
} Here's how:
}
} 1) Delete your old sense of humor, don't bother saving
}    any old jokes, they're yesterday's guffaws, that's
}    why were doing this. Best way to erase your old
}    sense of humor is by a fortnight of binge drinking,
}    or if your work schedule precludes that a weekend
}    reading the collected works of Karl Popper.
}
} 2) Pick one of the new humor systems out there:
}
}    *) The 'Friends' is Funny TV(tm) OS is readily
}       available on your boob tube and can be
}       uploaded by anyone in ten minutes. Of course
}       some, the Oracle included, think you'd be
}       better off using your old outmoded humor
}       sense, but, hey, it's a best seller and is
}       mentioned only in the sense of inclusiveness
}
}     *) Letterman/Barry Chic Irony can still be
}        found, but it's days are numbered. It doesn't
}        deal well with the new dangerous "We're all
}        about to die!" world of the 2000s. But, hey,
}        it's up to you.
}
}     *) Roll your Own. Skim the Internet for funny
}        ideas, duct tape them to your forehead.
}
}     *) Refined Humor. Now here's the route for
}        you. Read everything Samuel Beckett wrote
}        while wearing a clown suit and snorting
}        horse. You heard it here first, the humor
}        that is soon to be IN is Absurd Despair.
}
} You owe the Oracle a red rubber nose.


1268-04    (0dna7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise and wonderful and superbly erudite Oracle, please
> hear my query, and answer it in your customarily witty and insightful
> manner.
>
> I recently got a memo from one of the "higher ups" at my company, and
> it was filled full of meaningless buzzwords, most notable being the
> word "leverage" used as a verb several times. I have no idea what this
> memo was all about, but I'm concerned that if I am not seen leveraging
> something or other in an impactful manner soon, I might just be asking
> you for resume-writing tips, if you get my drift. So what was all that
> gobbledygook about, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rest assured your job is safe. No company would fire someone that
} is puzzled by memos that he criticizes the grammar of while at
} the same time admitting total confusion as to what is expected
} of him. You're management material young supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a corner office.


1268-05    (18jl4 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> What does the tooth-fairy do with all the teeth she collects?
>
> Mindy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've heard the urban legend about collecting soda-pop tabs for
} the sake of getting a wheelchair for a handicapped child?  The tooth
} fairy has the same deal going, for elephant ivory.
}
} For each  12 children-jaws worth of teeth (actually 350), a grand piano
} can be built without harming a single elephant.  Quite a few famous
} concert pianists have childtooth pianos: Jerry Lee Lewis had three.
} Sales of childtooth pianos is where she gets the money to put under
} the pillows.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good use for these tonsils that the tonsil fairy
} keeps collecting -- they're stinking up the place.


1268-06    (35lk4 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most onpfallish, who is so great that no words can describe
> you, so words like onpfallish have to be made up, only they look
> stupid because nobody understands what they mean, what with not having
> words to describe them and all, and plus you have to explain that
> onpfallish is a substitute for the words there aren't to describe you,
> and not your cat walking on the keyboard again, like he did last week,
> except of course you understand all this without needing to have it
> explained, but for everyone else it's kind of confusing, because people
> (except you, of course) might think that onpfallish means "foolish"
> or "orange" or "with new and improved real dirt flavour", which I
> wouldn't want people to think, so the whole confusing onpfallish
> thing has to be explained to everyone (except you), as I think I
> said earlier, which gets a bit tricky since you can't describe a
> word that can't be described in words, (which is to say I can't,
> I'm sure it would be easy for you) especially if you (which is me,
> not you) only have a vague idea of what the word means, unless you
> (again, me, not you) just say "cannot be described in words", but
> saying "Oracle, most cannot be described in words" doesn't really
> get accros what you (Are we all clear that I'm talking about me,
> the supplicant, and not you, the Oracle?) are trying to say, so then
> it has to be explained that onpfallish sort of means really great,
> only really really really great, only with more really's than that,
> sort of an arbitrarily large number of really's and then great, with
> implications and subtext besides, which all basically boil down to
> that you (And by you I mean you as in you, not you as in not you,
> but me.) are a pretty cool anthropomorphism.
>
> Ummmm....
>
> Uhhh,
>
> What was my question again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sniff* That's the longest anyone has kept trying for a decent grovel
} in a long, long time. I'm getting all misty-eyed. *honk*
}
} And about the question you forgot to ask: yes, there will be a cure
} for what you have. Unfortunately, it won't be approved by the FDA
} until they improve on what is still a very painful comma-removal
} procedure. Onpfallishly so.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book by E.G. Bulwer-Lytton.


1268-07    (5ih76 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is love?
> *snip the rest of the stupid song*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Still fighting with what's left of Nirvana.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new iron.


1268-08    (45jeb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does the Greek phrase "elcaro tenretni" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good eye supplicant, that phrase only appears once, in
} the play "The Eumenides" by Aeschylus. And thought it
} highlights the darkest moment in my life, I will recount
} it here. Though I curse that day, and this one too as
} it makes me think back on it all. . .
}
} The God Apollo, who was my boss at the time, was trying
} to convince one of the ironically named "Kindly Ones",
} in this case 'Alecto -- The Unsleeping Terror', not to
} harm a  mortal that had committed a matricide based on a
} misreading of the words of yours truly. Hey! Look, we
} all make mistakes!
}
}          =|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=
}
} ALECTO
}
} Thine oracle bade this man slay his mother! - He has
} committed a blood sin - It is our Duty, we are the
} Erinyes, to pursue him even after death to hound him,
} to torment him, to make him write bad checks, to make
} him like N'Sync, to . . .
}
} APOLLO
}
} He was bade to quit his sire, he kind of over did it-
} SO WHAT? Give it a rest.
}
} ALECTO
}
} Then didst thou aid and guard red-handed crime. -
}
} APOLLO
}
} Yeah, yeah & bade him to this temple flee. -Now look,
} if ya let him go I'll give you 120 bronze ases and
} let you run the concession stands at Pan's wake.
}
} ALECTO
}
} And yet forsooth dost --hmm-- Tell thou what. Throw in
} a matched brace of onagers and teach your wayward seer
} a lesson by sentencing him to a future as naught but an
} Elcaro Tenretni and you a deal haveth.
}
} APOLLO
}
} Hard is the deal you drive, but so be it. Pity the
} fate of my servant, for he will have to listen to
} chuckers of wood and the syntax of Eunuch users
} alike.
}
} ALECTO
}
} Ha-Ha!
}
}          =|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=|=
}
} Alas, and thus because of one fool of a human I am here
} with you today, as you see me, Orrie the fall-guy,
} "Elcaro Tenretni" --the patsy of the Gods.
}
} You owe The Internet Oracle a strong drink.


1268-09    (06hic dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I need to know more about camels for the exam that's in just
> three hours from now.  I slept through the lecture, and lost the
> book.  My friend says there is two kinds, the bacterium and the
> dormatory.  I asked him about the differences, and he said it has
> something to do with humping, so you can see where his mind is and
> why I don't trust him any more.  (Also he spelled them bactrium
> and dromatory, but I fixed that with my spell checker.  He's not
> good at spellling, neither.)
>
> Now you can help.  Please.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} !!
}
} With 'friends' like that you'll never get out of college!
}
} Look, the two kinds of camels are 'filtered' and 'unfiltered'.
} The unfiltered cost at bit more which may sound a bit odd,
} but hey, they're more in demand. The main difference, besides
} the lack or inclusion of the filter, is that the unfiltered
} is way 'cooler'. When you're sucking the tar and nicotine
} right into your lungs without the rather dubious health
} benefit of having the smoke go first through a wad of the
} only EPA approved use of recycled tampons then you can really
} say "I BE BAD!". And that in anyone's book is worth a few
} extra cents a pack.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stiff breeze.


1268-10    (5ckd3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What a stinking answer!  If you ever say something like that to me
> again, I'll stop asking you questions entirely.  And I'll tell your
> other supplicant that he should ignore you, too, and THEN see if
> you're sorry!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are not the first to surmise that the Oracle has been hiding the
} fact that it actually serves a rather small pool of supplicants; even
} the Oracle must bow to the whims of the global economy on occasion.
} However, the Oracle acknowledges that you have hit a bit closer to the
} mark than the others:  you have correctly discerned that there is only
} one other supplicant in existence.
}
} This supplicant, however, is not male.
}
} Since around 1994, Miss Fran Ogelberg (an event support technician at
} an undisclosed university in upstate New York) has been one of the
} Oracle's most persistent supplicants.  She has been implicated as the
} mastermind behind the "Pickled Herring Incident" as well as several
} different strains of the "Woodchuck Question".  (Don't ask.)
}
} Today, approximately ninety-nine percent of the questions asked of the
} Oracle can be traced to Miss Ogelberg.  As such, she has achieved
} something of a legendary status among those in the know.  In 1999, she
} was offically accepted into the employ of the Oracle itself, and
} remains the only person known to be on the Oracle's payroll.
}
} In case you're wondering, her wages amount to about $9.25/hr.  Yes, she
} does get dental coverage.
}
} The Oracle requires your...discretion...in keeping this matter a
} secret.


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