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Internet Oracularities #1269

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Internet Oracularities #1269    (55 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Jun 2002 12:37:36 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1269
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1269  55 votes 6ddh6 7ihb2 1clf6 14hs5 19pg4 3eq93 34cnd 0bsd3 13aoh 14qi6
1269  3.3 mean  3.1   2.7   3.2   3.6   3.2   2.9   3.7   3.1   4.0   3.4


1269-01    (6ddh6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now it's your turn to s*ck my t*ts!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Things Farmers tell Cows, the Darker Side of the Dairy World.
} Film at eleven.


1269-02    (7ihb2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <html><div style='background-color:'><DIV>Oh masterful Oracle, oh most
> powerful and great knower of all "things" that should be
> "known"...</DIV> <DIV>&nbsp;</DIV>
> <DIV>I received an email the other day telling me I had won some
> wonderful prizes for a contest I never entered.&nbsp; The next day I
> received three more telling me how to get free porn.&nbsp; I don't know
> these people sending me the emails.&nbsp; Can you tell me where these
> emails keep coming from?</DIV></div><br clear=all><hr>Chat with friends
> online, try MSN Messenger: <a
> href='http://g.msn.com/1HM505401/43'>Click Here</a><br></html>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <oml><reply><grov stat='perfunctory'></grov><mult>Yes, they come from
} spamsters. </mult><mult>Chat with friends offline, try
} Frontporch.</mult></reply></oml>


1269-03    (1clf6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Cheerful,
>
> Where is the second happiest place on Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why only stop with the second happiest place?  I'll give you the top
} ten happiest places on Earth, in reverse order:
}
} 10) The Tau Epsilon Phi party after the little sisters get
} drunk/stoned.
}
} 9) The dwelling place of any Jehovah's Witness after they get some
} person to actually *READ* the Watchtower.
}
} 8) Stephen Wolfram's workshop when he realized people would actually
} pay $50 for a picture book they believed contained actual scientific
} insight.
}
} 7) The White House when George W. Bush was given secret photographs
} proving that Osama Bin Laden is really a cross-dresser and an ardent
} gay-rights activist.
}
} 6) The backseat of Bill Gates' car when he discovers sexual intercourse
} for the first time.  (Should happen within the next 4 years, but
} I don't wish to give the specific date.  Even billionaires deserve
} *SOME* privacy)
}
} 5) The Rev. Jerry Falwell's church after he was told that Evolution
} is no considered a suitable topic for discussion in Guatemala's public
} school system.
}
} 4) Hillary Clinton's bedroom after she realized someone else was
} giving her husband sexual favors and she no longer was required to.
}
} 3) The Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, and FUBU corporate offices upon finding
} that the general public would part with hard-earned money in order
} to wear advertising for corporate giants who no longer had to pay
} well-established media outlets for the same exposure.
}
} 2) The CPA offices at Arthur Andersen when the additional shredding
} machines were found in the attic.
}
} And number one on the list:
}
} 1) The bedroom of the Internet Oracle when Lisa gets in her cowgirl
} mood and rides the bucking bronco to the... Oops, maybe you don't
} need to know all that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a...  Aww, forget it.  Who could ask for more?


1269-04    (14hs5 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who can differntiate extraordinarily
> complex functions in his head while answering the most
> difficult queries mortal minds can come up with and still
> with all 1600 chess games thou art playing in thy head at
> the same time,
>
> Why does my dictionary say sharks are fish and not mammals?
> Is having live young, rudimentary hair and being warm-
> blooded not count for anything anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh>
}
} You can't say -all- sharks are warmblooded just because one
} group of them, the Mako is a bit odd. The Mako sharks due
} to circulatory oddities keep some parts of their body warm
} (the intestinal valve and stomach ), but not other parts --
} like the brain and heart and lungs and everything that isn't
} an intestinal valve or a stomach!
}
} Plus not all sharks give live birth, some sharks lay eggs.
}
} And who knows where you got the idea that sharks have hair
} from... oh.. wait a minute.
}
} The Oracle took you too literally there. Yes, it is true
} that -technically- lawyers are mammals.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cease and deist order with fries.


1269-05    (19pg4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposing Oracle who can pull strings and get things done,
>
> Should I run off to Alaska now that my wife has left me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unless you name is Ben Johnson, Wilma Rudolph, Bill Rodgers, or Emil
} Zatopek, you should probably fly.  Remember that Alaska is 90% men, 8%
} women, and 2% sled dogs.  If this appeals to you, go for it.


1269-06    (3eq93 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Please help me again improve my spellling and grammer the
>  last time didnt work good.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, first, if you're going to improve your grammer, don't you think
} you should ask your gramper first?  He might like her the way she is!
}
} With regard to your spellling, I reallly can't seee any diffficulty.
} You apppeal for succcor from a dilemmma I cannnot apppreciate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrubery.


1269-07    (34cnd dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> How do you communicate with a fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drop it a line.


1269-08    (0bsd3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Do guests beds hate the other beds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Hate' is too strong a word.  It's more like they envy the other beds.
} The regular beds get changed more often, warmed up with people sleeping
} in them, and often enough it sounds like the husband and the missus
} are having a little party in those beds.
}
} But you know what they say: "The sheets always seem less stained on
} the other side."
}
} You owe the Oracle a pillow fight.


1269-09    (13aoh dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that carrots will let you see in the dark?  I need
> to see in the dark so I can check up on my husband.  I think
> he's doing things in the dark.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, carrots will help you see in the dark.  Simply gather the
} following items:
}
} - One large carrot (raw)
} - One hamster wheel
} - One rodent (*)
} - Large thin elastic band
} - One bicycle dynamo
} - Two lengths of plastic coated wire
} - One low-voltage light bulb
}
} And assemble according to the diagram below:
}
}                    =========    Wheel  \    _
}   Elastic        // \      /\\+ rodent  \||/ \
}    band     __--//   \    /  \\ /        \/
}       \ __--   //     \  /    \\        /  \
}     __--      ||______ o_______||       |- |
}    /  \       || \  __/_\_O  O ||       | -|  Carrot
}   /\__/____    \\ \/ /   \ oo  //       |  |   lure
}  /      \   --__\\ \/____/\>o<//        |- |
} | Dynamo |       \\//|  /| \ //         | -|
} |________|         ==========            \/
}    \   \                 ____
}     \   \____       __|_/    \
}      \       ------|__|_ bulb |
}       \_____________/ | \____/
}      /
}  Wires
}
} (*) If you have trouble finding a suitable rodent, it sounds like your
}     husband may be a suitable substitute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a w**dch*ck powered furnace.


1269-10    (14qi6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most spell bounding, your advice is constantly rated
> Best Tutelage on the `Net, and of this you should be proud,
>
> How does the CIA differ from some wash women gossiping as they work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With the wash women something at least comes out clean and wearable
} in public.
}
} You owe the Oracle some dry-cleaned togas.


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