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Internet Oracularities #1270

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Internet Oracularities #1270    (57 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Jun 2002 23:14:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1270
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1270  57 votes 9cjd4 3dcib 2ln92 28nf9 1ojb2 43jhe 5pn40 1cii8 47ji9 3gkg2
1270  3.1 mean  2.8   3.4   2.8   3.4   2.8   3.6   2.5   3.4   3.4   3.0


1270-01    (9cjd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, wisest of all and taller than tall, your knoweldge emcompasses
> all and may you never fall;
>
> I dropped the raisin!  Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now set the bunny down.
}
} Good, good.
}
} Next, -never-. The Oracle repeats, -never-, listen to
} anything your big brother ever says again.


1270-02    (3dcib dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, what happens when we die?
>
> Is there really a HEAVEN and HELL?  PURGATORY?  PARADISE?  Or is it
> just NOTHINGNESS?  Or REINCARNATION!
>
> How about it?  What's the BIG PAYOFF?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's like this. . .
}
} [ Trumpets blare, the room is filled with light, angels
}   appear singing, Yahweh Himself is in the house! ]
}
} Orrie: Whoa. I can't be dying since I'm immortal,
}        so. . .
}
} Yahweh: What's the BIG PAYOFF!? He wants to know
}         what's the BIG PAYOFF!! Well, I'm answering
}         that one Mr. Oracle!
}
} Orrie: Be my guest.
}
} Yahweh: Being alive is the BIG PAYOFF! You're nothing
}         but a handful of stray atoms, a bag of water
}         and poop that =I= animated so you can =be=!
}         You get to walk the world for four score and
}         ten, to smell flowers and watch porno flicks
}         and eat avocados and hear jazz and love and
}         pet puppies! And you! YOU! And you want...
}
} [ Yahweh snaps his fingers and the supplicant lands
}   without ceremony at the Oracle's feet. Yahweh points
}   at the startled supplicant. ]
}
} Yahweh: You want more?!
}
} Supplicant: Well, my lawyer has pointed out that I
}             didn't ask to be made, and that You,
}             once having made me, are now obligated
}             to care for me into eternity.
}
} Yahweh: LAWYER!? I smell a rat! Or should I say a
}         pack of flies!
}
} [ The room grows dark and cold, then, in a flash of
}   fire, Satan shows up wearing a three piece suit and
}   holding a brief case. ]
}
} Satan: My client was brought into existence without
}        his prior consent. In so doing you have made
}        yourself morally liable for his well-being.
}
} Yahweh: You talking about morals! HA! Okay mortal,
}         here's your eternity. Satan, he's yours.
}
} Supplicant: Huh? Wait, I...
}
} Satan: Thanks old man, I owe you one.
}
} < POOF! >
}
} [ Satan and the supplicant vanish. Yahweh and the angels
}   ascend. The Oracle is left alone. At his feet is
}   a huge scorch mark on the floor. Angel feathers
}   are floating in the air, which also carries a distinct
}   sulfurous smell. ]
}
} Orrie: I wonder who's going to clean up this mess. I
}        didn't make it. I don't see why I have to. . .
}
} Yahweh: [ from on high above ] Watch it Oracle.
}
} Orrie: Just kidding!


1270-03    (2ln92 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest and most devout oracle, greetings from your number one fan and
> user. As you know, I run all of my life decisions by you, and your
> advice is never wrong.
>
> However, I'm concerned about recent events. I've run into a little
> legal trouble, and will soon be in court. Are my questions to you and
> your subsequent answers covered by any confidentiality agreements,
> similar to lawyer-client privilege or the confidentiality of
> doctor/patient relationships, or can our communications be subject to a
> subpoena?
>
> As always, thank you for you consideration and response,
>
> A humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rest assured young supplicant. All discussions with the
} Oracle are protected by a pair of noble and inviolate
} laws older than the first turtle than wore out and has
} been replaced by the current turtle that holds up the
} earth on which you live.
}
} Rule One: All communications with the Oracle that are
}           not widely proclaimed aloud, nor printed
}           where the bright and unwashed alike may find
}           them, nor blended into song or verse by those
}           crafted in those arts can only be shared with
}           the holders of THE SACRED SCRIPT.
}
} Rule Two: The Sacred Script is what currency is most
}           widely accepted at the time of the transaction
}           in question, decisions of the Oracle as to the
}           exact amount needed are final-- however he
}           will tend to rule in favor of turning over
}           any information he has to whom ever offers
}           him the most.
}
} Those are the rules, and they may not be trifled with
} lightly.
}
} You owe the Oracle two suitcases full of US equal shares
} of twenties and tens. As a starting point.


1270-04    (28nf9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great and mighty Oracle, with your infinite wisdom and grace, please
> tell me:
>
> What should I have for lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sandwich Simulator 0.8.41
} Copyright (c) 2002, Oraculous Software
}
} RUNNING SANDWICH SIMULATION, PLEASE WAIT...
} (This software is running in --verbose mode.)
}
} Using sandwich1.dat
}
} Current lunch meat coefficient: 45.42
} Current cheese coefficient: 31.70
} Current vegetable coefficient: 45.57
} Current condiment coefficient: 86.93
}
} Estimated time of completion 4:09.
} Do you want to continue? > y
}
} Loading lunchmeat.dat...Done.
} Processing lunch meats...
}
} BOLOGNA (2.4mean, 0.52min, 7.773max, 3.3std deviation)
} PASTRAMI (4.6mean, 1.33min, 9.12max, 4.56std deviation)
} SALAMI (6.62mean, 2.28min, 12.23max, 4.4std deviation)
} CORNEDBEEF (5.73mean, 1.04min, 8.824max, 2.923333333std deviation)
} GROUNDHOG (4.45mean, 2.04min, 6.7max, 0.98std deviation)
} PARAKEET (0.2mean, 0.001min, 9.14max, 0.003std deviation)
}
} Doing mass ration transform...
} Doing compatibility ratios...
} Finding curve for data...
}
} Lunch meats done.
}
} Loading cheese.dat...Done.
} Processing cheeses...
}
} AMERICAN (8.7mean, 3.33min, 17.0004max, 6.3std deviation)
} SWISS (3.2mean, 2.4min, 5.4max, 1.2std deviation)
} SOYCHEESE (ERROR: EMPTY DATA SET)
}
} Doing mass ration transform...
} Doing compatibility ratios...
} Finding curve for data...
}
} Cheeses done.
}
} Loading vegetable.dat...Done.
} Processing vegetables...
}
} TOMATO (9.21mean, 6.63min, 12.22max, 4.8std deviation)
} TOBACCO (3.24mean, 1.21min, 100.00max, 4.2std deviation)
} POPPY (4.432mean, 0.5min, 13.32max, 2.3std deviation)
} HASH (2.4mean, 1.2min, 6.6max, 1.1std deviation)
}
} Doing mass ration transform...
} Doing compatibility ratios...
} Finding curve for data...
}
} Vegetables done.
}
} Loading condiments.dat...Done.
} Processing condiments...
}
} MAYONNAISE (45.32mean, 21.12min, 78.22max, 13.34std deviation)
} TREESAP (8.12mean, 2.33min, 9.12max, 0.5std deviation)
} ELMERSGLUE (4.4mean, 1.24min, 6.42max, 2.2std deviation)
} CAULK (3.29mean, 0.03min, 4.29max, 1.2std deviation)
}
} Overflow error, skipping remaining condiments: (NOVOCAINE, ASPHALT,
} CHLOROPHYLL, PEATMOSS, NADS-GEL)
}
} Computing proper sandwich ratios...
}
} Your ideal sandwich is:
}
} STEAK
} CORNEDBEEF
}
} with
}
} GRUYERE
} SOYCHEESE
}
} and
}
} ONION
} TOMATO
} HASH
} MUSTARD
} ELMERSGLUE
}
} on
}
} ONIONROLL
}
} Another sandwich? >
}
} (The Oracle requests lunch, on you.)


1270-05    (1ojb2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Deep Throat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was no one person that was Deep Throat. It was the
} term applied to a conglomeration of sources. MUCH of the
} info was from members of a sex trading group among the
} Washington insiders, no pun intended, nor tongue in
} cheek either. Anyway the name Deep Throat was an allusion
} to that information source. Sex still is -way- kinky in
} Washington DC, think Gary Condit. Remember it was seemingly
} stodgy old Henry Kissinger who said, "Power is the
} ultimate aphrodisiac." Which of course begs the question,
} 'Who's Kissinger now?".
}
} You owe the Oracle a limo, just for two hours.


1270-06    (43jhe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Why me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If not in ME (Middle Earth), where could Tolkien have set his
} epic tale?
}
} ==/ Not the Wild West: /==
}
} [ A grimy, near empty saloon, over the bar is a bullet hole
}   riddled oil painting of a she-elf laying provocatively
}   on a red coach in Lorien. Gandalf and Frodo are sitting
}   at a playing card strewn, poker table in the back. ]
}
} Gandalf: Pardner, that's a plum powerful magic ring you've
}          done laid yer hands on. It gotta be DE-stroyed.
}
} Bilbo: Nuthin' doin' ya sidewinder! You just be hankerin' it
}        fer yerself, that's all.
}
} [ Gandalf stands, his Ten Gallon Hat scarpes the roof of
}   the bar, he looks way too tall in his boots, his chaps
}   and handle-bar mustache flurry about him like a cyclone
}   is in the room! ]
}
} Gandalf: Don't you be thinkin' I'm just some snake-oil
}          salesman! `Cause I ain't!
}
} ==/ Not in Outer Space: /==
}
} [ Storage are in the docking bay of a enormous rock
}   circling the burnt out ember of a brown dwarf star.
}   Bug-eye aliens are rushing down a hall at our heroes! ]
}
} Legolas: Batten that hatch!
}
} Boromir [ as he spins the lock on the door ]: They've
}         got a CAVE-ROBOT!
}
} [ Hatch melts as lasers from other side melt the hatch.
}   Gimili jumps up on a crate, laser axe in hand. ]
}
} Gimli: There's still one Dwarf in this Asteroid that
}        can still draw blood!
}
} Hmm, actually that one sounds vaguely feasible. . .
}
} ==/ Well, certainly Not in 1920's Gangland Chicago! /==
}
} [ Saruman is dressed in a white suit and white fedora.
}   He's sitting behind a huge dark desk, which his feet
}   are resting on. He's absent mindedly playing with a
}   .38 revolver as he speaks. Before him is a huge
}   muscle bound hulk in a too tight gray pinstriped suit.
}   The big guy is cradling a Tommy Gun in his massive
}   arms, and chewing on a toothpick that he keeps moving
}   from one side of his mouth to the other. ]
}
} Saruman: See, they gotta be rubbed out. See? And
}          rubbed out now. See.
}
} Lurtz: Ergh.
}
} Saruman: Shoot'em fulla holes, drown them in the Great
}          River all the same to me. See? But they got
}          a runt with them that's got something of mine.
}          See? And I want it back. See. In one piece. See?
}
} Lurts: Ergh.
}
} Saruman: Soon this whole city will be mine. See. And
}          then... are you listenin' to me?
}
} Lurtz: Ergh.
}
} Hmm, that one doesn't seem to farfetched either, now
} that I read it over again. But there's one place that
} Tolkien's works would've seemed way out of place in...
}
} ==/ Shakespeare's England! /==
}
} Eowyn: What is thy name?
}
} Witch King: I have No Name, save in ICE.
}
} Eowyn: O Thou liest, abhorred tyrant; with my sword
}        I'll prove the lie thou speak'st.
}
} Witch King: I bear a charmed life, which must not yield
}             To one of woman born!
}
} [ Pippin leaps up and stabs Witch King in the butt! ]
}
} Pippin: Fie! Ha-Ha! Not of woman borne was I!
}
} Hmm, that's sound vaguely familiar too. <shrug> Oh well.
} Middle Earth (ME) it was, old JRR knew what he was doing
} leave it at that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pound of Southfarthing leaf.


1270-07    (5pn40 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the world really a huge, contaminated apple?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only if you're a bizarrely mutated life form that inhabits a Macintosh
} II that was flung into solar orbit after being left in a biological
} warfare laboratory and then in a nuclear waste dump for a few years.
}
} Hypothetically *ahem* speaking. (although this would explain Gumby)
}
} You owe the Oracle a friend like Pokey.


1270-08    (1cii8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, being all-knowing, knows about many different forms of this
} "Love" of which you speak. Please confirm whether you need information
} on:
}
} a) Love, true
} b) Love, platonic
} c) Love, bad
} d) Love, tough
} e) Love, temporary (non-paid for)
} f) Love, temporary (paid for)
} g) Love, temporary (paid for at double cost for special services)
} h) Love, gold-digging
} i) Love, old band from the 60s and 70s
} j) Love, idealised
} k) Love, undying
} l) Love, formerly undying
} m) Love, imagined
} n) Love, unrequited
} o) Love, star-crossed
} p) Love, causing a burning pain upon urination
} q) Love, hot
} r) Love, cold
} s) Love, tepid
} t) Love, distant
} u) Love, unfulfilling
} v) Love, Mike, member of the Beach Boys
} w) Love, squishy
} x) Love, messy
} y) Love, hot 'n' horny slut-driven / advertised with spam
} z) Love, guilty
} aa) Love, illegal
} bb) Love, bestial (see (aa) above)
} cc) Love, Oracular
}
} If (cc) please also forward contact details and your credit card
} number.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bit of e) and a whole load of q).


1270-09    (47ji9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise, before whom I humbly bow in supplication, please
> shed an itty bitty portion of your illuminating knowledge upon me and
> answer this question;
>
> Which is more macho: school bus or volcano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} School buses. Of this there can be no doubt. Consider Plithy the
} Younger's account of the Destruction of Pompeii by school buses:
}
} "Horror gripped us as rain of huge honey-bee colored wheeled boxes
} the size of small villas rained down on the city of Pompeii. The
} homes of rich and poor alike were being rocked by tremors, as if
} the school buses where hitting speed bumps at unsafe speeds.
} There was danger from flat spare tires that were coming down,
} and non-functioning brake lights and torn gum-encrusted smelly
} bench seats of an ugly unearthly green.
}
} "We tied pillows on top of our heads as protection against the
} shower of bus bits. But all this did was make for foolish
} looking corpses as the bus bits were so virulently dangerous.
}
} "Over the constant horn honking and air brake whooshing you
} could hear women lamenting, children crying, men shouting.
} Some were calling for people to 'sit down,' others to 'keep
} those windows closed.' Many raised their hands to the gods,
} while others felt that Pompeii was on one last unending bus
} ride to the junior high school of Pluto himself."
}
} You owe the Oracle some figs.


1270-10    (3gkg2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Google Answers ever answer my Researcher application?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly supplicant. You are among the throng of ever-faithful believers
} that cling to the hope that useful information on the Internet actually
} EXISTS!
}
} In all fairness, however, the Internet is actually quite useful if your
} interests lie in the following areas:
}
} 1) Compiling a list of knock-knock jokes for your 3-year-old nephew.
}
} 2) Attempting to find out who is better: Kirk or Picard?
}
} 3) Browsing through pictures of other's collections of sporks or
} condiment packages.
}
} 4) Comparing the physical similarities between Maria Shriver and Yoda.
}
} 5) Sending a belated electronic birthday card to that cousin you never
} really liked anyway.
}
} That is not an all-inclusive list, mind you, but I think you have the
} idea. There may be a some things that the Internet is useful for, but
} in the words I gave to it's ever-charming inventor when he asked me if
} he'd win Florida, "Don't count on it.".
}
} You owe the Oracle a return of the "FREE ACCESS" plans.


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