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Internet Oracularities #1271

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Internet Oracularities #1271    (52 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 03 Jul 2002 11:57:36 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1271
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1271  52 votes 38hh7 7hj63 79ff6 ebe85 blf50 eag75 14eje 38l9b 3ded9 25ggd
1271  3.0 mean  3.3   2.6   3.1   2.6   2.3   2.6   3.8   3.3   3.2   3.6


1271-01    (38hh7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most profligate, most indeterminate, most supercilious,
> grant to me, thy supplicant most obsequious, the answer to my question
> most importunate:
>
> Why did Microsoft choose the colour blue for their Screen of Death?
> Wouldn't black have been more appropriate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bill Gates: "Come on guys, we NEED to figure this out...and soon!"
} Programmer 1: "You didn't hire me for being able to color coordinate"
} Programmer 2: "There are over 256,000 colors to choose from"
} Programmer 3: "Wow!  I just found a fake plastic Amulet of Yendor!"
} Programmer 1: "lets narrow it down to a color in the visible color
}                spectrum, OK?"
} Bill Gates: "I fired my last programmer, want to know why?  Because the
}              muave error screen is idiotic!"
} Programmer 3: "Holy wowsers!  I gained a level!"
} Programmer 1: "So Infrared is out, right?"
} Bill Gates: "It has been 2 years...the public can't wait forever for us
}              to release our OS, PICK A COLOR!"
} Programmer 2: "How about we use a random number generator?"
} Programmer 1: "Where do we get one of those?"
} Programmer 3: "I have some d6's, lets roll them!  Oh, this will be good
}                fun!"
} Bill Gates: "Why Me?"
} Programmer 3: "1...1...1...1...1...1...1...1..."
} Bill Gates: "?"
} Programmer 1: "What number base are we in again?"
} Programmer 2: "That's 11111111...which is FF...so..."
} Programmer 3: "ooooooh...How many experience points do I gain for this!"
} Programmer 1: "#0000FF...that's...that's... ... ..."
} All at Once: "BLUE!!!"
} Bill Gates: "Gates to all teams...we begin production tomorrow...In
}              addition, please see that the 3 programmers in sector 3-g
}              are given a hearty farewell"
} Radio: "Trap door into snake pit?"
} Bill Gates: "Good enough."
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Nethack on a floppy.


1271-02    (7hj63 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You don't need to see his identification.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ The security guard shrugged and returned his attentions to
}   the sprinkle donut in his hand. The Oracle strides by, up
}   and onto the stage before the waiting Class of 2002. ]
}
} I can't tell you how I feel about being invited here to speak
} before the graduating class of 2002, so instead I shall show
} my deep seated thanks for the lovely Honorary Doctor of
} Queueology award you all gave me early today by keeping this
} speech a few minutes shorter than your attention spans. You
} know, looking out at all your mortar board wearing heads
} it flat out makes me think of why those hats are shaped that
} way, hard-felt graduations indeed. But I digress. You will
} find the world beyond the ivory guard towers of this campus
} to be full of people that differ only from yourselves by the
} fact that they are employed. Soon you'll be one of them. No
} longer will belong to a frat, instead you'll own a cat. No
} longer will you be a grad, you'll find you to your horror
} you're a dad. No longer will you be the queen of the sock
} hops, no, instead you'll be washing socks and downing hops
} in massive quantities, on the sly, during the spin cycle. But,
} wait! There's more. What you have learned during these, on
} the average, 5.3 years will come in handy when you play trivia
} games. Of that you can be sure. So go out there and get'm
} them! Silly hats off to The Class of 2002!


1271-03    (79ff6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have you been all week?  Why haven't you called me?  You were
> with HER weren't you?  You told me you were going to leave her.
> Remember, last Wednesday, when we were in bed and you said it was over
> between you two and that as soon as the divorce was final, we could be
> together for all eternity?  You said you loved me, Orrie.
> Orrie... I'm a week and a half late.  I took a test but it was
> inconclusive... I tried to tell you... I called your pager.  I have a
> doctors appointment tomorrow to find out for sure.  If it turns out I'm
> pregnant, I want to keep it.  I know I'm pregnant... I can feel it.
> Orrie, we can start a family.  I know it will be hard at first, but it
> will all work out.  We can buy that house with the gnomes out front,
> next to the park where you can play with little Xan/Xandria after a day
> of zotting people. We can get a Range Rover and go to Costco on the
> first Saturday of every month.  It will be wonderful...
>
> I love you Orrie.  Please call.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having an Internet savvy cat that can type is a pain at times.


1271-04    (ebe85 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Big Bird's revenge. How can we prepare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Anti Aircraft emplacements and Stinger missile armed troops around
} the statues in your garden.


1271-05    (blf50 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is 1 = 1 ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "1" what, supplicant? You'll need to be a lot more specific if you want
} a reasonable answer. Here are some possibilities dredged up from WILD
} OATS (Widely Infiltrated Library Decks of Oracular Archive Tape
} Series).
}
} One with the Earth
} One with the Sky
} One with everything... <DELETED!>
}
} One voice
} One song
} One volt
} One ohm
} One-point-twenty-one Gigawatts (use with caution)
} One more for the road
} One more minute
} One second
} One picosecond
} One more Microsoft security hole
} One more server freed from the Redmond Empire's grasp
} One more tired old in-joke
} One more ZOTted supplicant.
}
}       You owe the Oracle one good reason why I should continue with
} this thread.


1271-06    (eag75 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Negi negi!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drevvle drevvle!
}
} You owe the oracle a full translation of "War and Peace" in Gibberish.


1271-07    (14eje dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is it too late to learn to play the piano?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Goodness no! And thank heavens you're here. The piano
} called in sick and the curtain rises in an hour. Here
} are your lines, they mercifully short. In act four the
} main character will tickle your ivories randomly as his
} wife tells him he has lost his will and direction in
} life. All you have to do is make random piano sounds.
} DO NOT ham it up with 'Chopsticks' or the like, it's
} suppose to be random to reflect his random nature, get
} it? Other than that you just sit there looking grand.
}
} You owe the Oracle your autograph.


1271-08    (38l9b dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the mayonaisse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't look at it! It's dressing!!


1271-09    (3ded9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise Oracle, a phun physics question for you.
>
> Today a co-worker of mine purchased some "yellow swirl cake"
> from what passes as a cafeteria earlier today.  However, said
> cake looked suspiciously like mono-color chocolate cake.  I
> remarked that if one moved it at a sufficiently high velocity
> (and away from us) that the cake would appear yellow.  (I
> calculated this velocity at approximately .26c, given a
> wavelength for 'cake brown' at 450nm, and 'cake yellow' at
> 570nm.)
>
> Of course, if one flung the cake at this speed, the cake would
> no longer be in the building.  So, the cake must oscillate.
>
> What would the necessary force to accelerate the 1/4 lb. of cake
> in such a manner that the cake would become yellow in a distance
> too small to be perceived by the naked eye?  I realize that the
> cake would still leave the building in this case, but since we
> are talking of hypothetical cake flinging, a force that is the
> exact opposite of the original force could be used once the
> cake has reached .26c, to prevent it from leaving the building,
> much less the plate it formerly rested.  (The cake has since
> been eaten.)
>
> Regards,
> Your humble supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Class?
}
} Zadoc: Too much math for me, I'm out.
}
} Kendai: It's like a metaphor for fast food?
}
} Oracle: Maybe. But the message here is even more simple.
}
} Lisa: Even grown up scientists like to play with their food?
}
} Oracle: Bingo!


1271-10    (25ggd dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@adelphia.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> After the shocking event where President GW Bush's cat
> mauled Barbara Walters during that interview, will the
> cat, Ernie, be put to sleep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bureau has already made an appointment with one of the country's
} best taxidermists. He promises nobody will ever be able to tell the
} difference. Maybe with the exception of her most observant viewers.
}
} Ernie, on the other hand, will go on as before.


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