[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:45:44 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1272

Goto:
1272, 1272-01, 1272-02, 1272-03, 1272-04, 1272-05, 1272-06, 1272-07, 1272-08, 1272-09, 1272-10


Internet Oracularities #1272    (54 votes, 3.4 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 08 Jul 2002 20:02:43 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1272
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1272  54 votes 1dpc3 1dlh2 16qc9 1akf8 35fjc 3clc6 0aij7 27gch 2aif9 02emg
1272  3.4 mean  3.1   3.1   3.4   3.4   3.6   3.1   3.4   3.6   3.4   4.0


1272-01    (1dpc3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Nutritious Oracle,
>
> What could I can add to coffee so it will supply
> all my dietary needs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Coffee has negative nutritional value -- you can start with milk and
} sugar, and add:
}  - cereal (something that doesn't have those little hard marshmallows)
}  - toast w/ butter (the doctors have recanted; butter is better again)
}  - milk
}  - two oranges
}  - ham and eggs
}  - fried haddock
}  - a Coffinbane 1-A-Day multi-vitamin
}  - leftover pizza
}  - a leg of turkey
}  - a laundry hamper full of alphalpha sprouts
}  - a bowl of oatbran
}  - a half-teaspoon of monosodium phosphate
}  - and two glasses of filtered water.
}
} Despite what General Mills tells you, coffee isn't a part of a
} complete breakfast.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of tea.


1272-02    (1dlh2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle who is supreme in all things idiotic, who is faster than a
> stationary bullet, who can move mountains in his mind, who can leap
> small anthills in a single bound, who can swim like a brick, fly like a
> pig, can kill a man with one touch when Hell freezes over, and whose
> feet really, really, stink,
>
> Do you actually bother to read supplicants' grovels?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Absolutely! Now don't forget to put the plaster over
} the beak, not under it, and make sure you don't get
} the adobe and the stucco confused or you could have
} fire problems. Also, watch out for that truck.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Odor-Eaters, after you get out
} of the ICU of course.


1272-03    (16qc9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is everybody else's sky blue, but mine is a dark beige?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's just one of those LA things, you'll get used to it.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pine trees.


1272-04    (1akf8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever sell anything on Ebay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you think I always ask for such weird tribute?
} _I_ certainly can't use all that junk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a drained 3.6 volt lithium ion battery.


1272-05    (35fjc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most, um, oracular:
>
> Whatever happened to rec.humor.oracle.a, b, and c?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ A sparklingly clean laboratory, deep below the sub-basements
}   of Indiana University. Along the walls are white rodents and
}   huge chimpanzees in cages, some of the animals are running on
}   exercised wheels, some of them are sleeping, most are sitting,
}   mouths open, starting at monitors. All have wires poking out
}   of their brains attaching them to bank after bank of old
}   discarded 286s and vats of bubbling goo. We see the Oracle
}   and Zadoc approaching. They are  wearing white smocks and
}   safety glasses. ]
}
} Oracle: This is the Oracle Research Lab. Here we rigorously
}         test all of our humor before passing it along to
}         you, our loyal and valued customers.
}
} [ A light flashes over one of the rat cages. Zadoc rushes
}   over and peers into the cage. ]
}
} Oracle: Ah! Here's a tested joke now.
}
} Zadoc: Sorry Wisest One, it seems the rat in the next cage was
}        just gagging on a bit of carrot and this one was laughing
}        at it.
}
} Oracle: Ho,ho,ho. Well, before we released rec.humor.oracle.d
}         to the public we tried some different flavors out on
}         our test 'pets'. Let's see...
}
} [ The Oracle checks a clipboard. ]
}
} Oracle: rec.humor.oracle.a was monitored 24 hours a day by
}         a trained humorist. rec.humor.oracle.b was linked to
}         our bank of computers and whatever topic was being
}         discussed it provided humorous links...
}
} Zadoc: Master! This ape is tossing banana peels all over!
}
} Oracle: Deal with it. rec.humor.oracle.c was an international
}         group, we had a diverse group of talented youth selected
}         by talent shows held in rain forest friendly bars around
}         the world.
}
} Zadoc: WISE ONE! The apes are in a food fight!
}
} Oracle: Worm! I'm busy. Look, Okay here...
}
} [ The Oracle walks over towards Zadoc, promptly steps on a
}   banana peel and -kersplat!- slips and falls on his butt.
}   All the lights over all the cages light up. The apes all
}   hoot and hoot. The rodents leap about clapping their tiny
}   paws. The Oracle looks up from the floor towards the
}   supplicant. ]
}
} Oracle: <sigh> rec.humor.oracle.d was the control group where
}         these, these 'charges' here selected what humor was
}         used.
}
} [ A huge glob of something spalts on the Oracle's safety
}   glasses. The room goes wild. ]
}
} Oracle: Oh, well. They do work for peanuts.
}
} [ All the lights go off, the room grows silent. The Oracle
}   shrugs then sticks his hand in his armpit and pumps it
}   back and forth making funny sounds. The lights all go
}   back on and hilarity resumes. ]
}
} Oracle: Why fight it?


1272-06    (3clc6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please help me.  I am one of the few people stuck at work today.
> Apparently, I didn't get the memo that managers were not to come in.
> Because no one is here, and our clients and vendors aren't in either,
> there is nothing going on.  I am running out of things to do.  I've
> already wandered the corridors aimlessly, and intimidated the people
> who actually have things to do.  I also been keeping an eye on the
> coffee pot.  I now turn to you, in a transparent attempt to amuse
> myself while I'm at the office.  Can you suggest something to do that
> looks vaguely worklike?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)    Write "I will not show off" in Olde Englishe letters on the
}       chalkboard five hundred times.
} 2)    Stare at butts, any butts, cigarette butts, rifle butts,
}       co-worker butts, dog butts, until you get someone's attention.
}       When someone gets up the courage to ask why, tell them it
}       was an assignment from senior management, and since I've
}       been on your board of directors for five minutes with eight
}       thousand put options, you won't be lying.
} 3)    Draw said butts in a collage and send them to me as a PNG,
}       just in case someone calls security to verify your story.
} 4)    Send an anonymous e-mail to the IRS telling them that
}       they'll get this month's financial statement next year.
}       Include the same attachment you sent to me as a PNG.
} 5)    Remember that coffee pot you've been watching?
}       Go out to the street. Ask for three grams of something green and
}       spicy. Buy it if it smells good and sweet. Buy about 100mL of
}       propylene glycol (vanilla flavouring). Boil them together for
}       about five minutes, but avoid giving yourself away with the
}       resultant odour. Spike the coffee with the filtered part,
}       and eat the rest.
} 6)    Go to your boss's office (or appropriate his e-mail account,
}       whichever is either more prudent or practical), and send an
}       e-mail from it demanding that people stop masturbating in
}       the washrooms, and that if this practice must continue at
}       all, then it should be done in the privacy of your office
}       or cubicle.
} 7)    Don't forget to take copies of all his voice messaging for
}       an assignment you will give to stoned Enjineers.
} 8)    Get the Geers to take his syllables out of context to make the
}       following messages:
}       "Your ass? My office. Pronto!"
}       "Tell me what to lick."
}       "What KIND of cream would you LIKE in your coffee?"
} 9)    Hav them do the same kind of thing you did in #6, except
}       they'll randomly select only one of the messages designed
}       in #8. They can also pick members of senior management to...
}       Tell them that they're "modulating senior management".
}       That'll make sense when they're stoned.
} 10)   Buy The Internet Oracle five hundred call-options
}       in your public relations contractor.


1272-07    (0aij7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle,
>
> How can I increase my knowledge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subject: INCREASE YOUR KNOWLEDGE SIZE!!
} Date: Fri, 5 Jul 2002 12:53:21 -0500 (EST)
} From: bigknow <maildaemon@it.snotmail.com>
} To: supplicant  supplicant@127.0.0.1
}
} YES! You can have a BIG Knowledge base in just 4 weeks!
} Why be embarrassed by having a tiny brain when you can
} have A HUGE GRAY WRINKLED BRAIN FULL OF SMARTS!!
}
} "It works," says Z*doc[0] "I tried those study for years
} and get a degree methods. Way too much work. But with
} EZ-BIG_SMART I had a big ol' brain in no time!"
}
} "I love a man with really, really huge knowledge base,"
} coos foxy babes like L*sa[0]. ALL BABES DO!
}
} "Whoa, I tried like expanding by mind with pscyhotropic
} substances and I can't tell if my knowledge base is
} bigger or not and I don't care," says K*ndai[0]. Don't
} let that happen to you! Some at home methods are out
} and out dangerous!
}
} EZ-BIG-SMART has been used by zillions, include people
} so rich and famous they have lawyers so we won't mention
} their names here! AND ALL IT TAKES IS FOUR WEEKS!
}
} And all it takes is your Credit Card number, full name
} and card expiration date!
}
} For full info CLICK on this link:
} http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/special/digestD1K.cgi
}
} [0] names withheld to protect privacy


1272-08    (27gch dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle whose wisdom shines so brightly as to make
>  even those who see it out of peripheral vision squint,
>  he whose dead skin cells surely become objects of
>  worship for dust mites after flaking off, he whose spit
>  is scarcely inferior to liquid gold, he who surely
>  has shining, gleming white teeth and fresh minty
>  breath, he who knows the correct words for all the
>  symbols in the top row of the keyboard, he who is a
>  paragon of all that is right:
>
>  What's up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A preposition.


1272-09    (2aif9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two Person Deluxe Meal: Pick any three from Column A, Choose Two
> from Row II, and select 8 items from List 3. ($42.23)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                   --= DeLuxe Meal=--
}
} ---------------+----------------------+------------------+
}    Column A    |      Column B        |     Column C     |
} ---------------+----------------------+------------------+
}    Dixie cup   |   half a head of     |  a single kernel |
}    of lard     |  iceberg lettuce     |      of corn     |
} ---------------+----------------------+------------------+
}  two cubes of  |   teaspoon of goat   |  a single kernel |
}     sugar      |        eyes          |     of corn      |
} ---------------+----------------------+------------------+
}   small bag    |                      |  a single kernel |
}    of chips    |                      |     of corn      |
} ---------------+                      +------------------+
}                                       |  a single kernel |
}                                       |     of corn      |
}                                       +------------------+
}                                       |  a single kernel |
}                                       |     of corn      |
}                                       +------------------+
}                                       |  a single kernel |
}                                       |     of corn      |
}                                       +------------------+
}                                       |  a single kernel |
}                                       |     of corn      |
}                                       +------------------+
}
} Note to Self: Do NOT allow Zadoc to pick which airline
}               the Oracle uses next time.


1272-10    (02emg dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@artlogix.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose toenail clippings contains more knowledge than I
> could ever dream to aquire, please aid me.
>
> My wife and I are about to buy our first house, but how will we know
> when we find the *right* house?  I mean, this isn't a choice to make
> lightly; these days so many house purchases end in early sales or
> defaulted mortgages.  I've liked lots of houses before, and this one
> seems great - the best so far. Does that mean it's right for us?  We
> don't want to end up trapped with the wrong house for the rest of our
> lives (or at least the next 10 years).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when
} you go to settlement on your new home:
}
} 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's
}     garden."
}
} 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the
}     ancient Indian burial ground."
}
} 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but
}     I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet
}     of it."
}
} 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
}
} 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not
}     'killer' bees."
}
} 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it
}     would reach as far back as your property."
}
} 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the
}     presence of radioactivity."
}
} 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice
}     sessions right next door?"
}
} 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never
}     actually able to prove it was murder."
}
} 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org