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Internet Oracularities #1274

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Internet Oracularities #1274    (50 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 2002 08:36:22 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1274
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1274  50 votes 2deg5 5dea8 5gk54 5cl84 15ejb 26cm8 07ffd 25kh6 35egc 1aje6
1274  3.3 mean  3.2   3.1   2.7   2.9   3.7   3.6   3.7   3.4   3.6   3.3


1274-01    (2deg5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Seen any good bad movies lately?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * MIMEs in Black: Badly formatted garbage threatens to inundate
}   the queue until two unlikely heroes show up with salamis
}   and a manual that they force people to read. Not safe for
}   MIMErs.
}
} * Lard of the Thongs: Finland, a nation where it's only warm
}   enough to go to the beach once a year. It's not a pretty
}   picture.
}
} * Attack of the Cowbirds: Huge, self absorbed birds knock out
}   the viable and replace it with living rubbish. Either a nature
}   film sure to irk parents and kids alike, or another geek SciFi
}   flick made by SpilledBird or Lookas- it's hard to tell.
}
} * Rhodents from YESNOHELL: Itty-bitty creatures ponder life and
}   end up deciding to hide from it and make their own world. Then
}   terror strikes in the form of an unpaid credit card bill and
}   a bill collector that won't take YESNOHELL for an answer.
}
} * A Butter Filled Mind: Marlon Brando mumbles on and on about
}   "Last Tango" or something.
}
} * Hook II: His old hook replaced by a bionic creation of his
}   own design, Hook goes out to rid the world of "Crocs". Comedy
}   ensues when he encounters a robotic alligator that falls
}   in love with his prosthetic.
}
} * Priests in Love: So baaad, ewe wool never forget it.
}
} * Spitter-Man: A sputtering radio, an active boy, it bites.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of very expensive popcorn.


1274-02    (5dea8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's up with all of the long, boring replies in the last
> Oracularities? I've never voted so many 1's before.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Luckily, there's been no shortage of wit and cleverness in the
} questions.


1274-03    (5gk54 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the queue for your questions a member of the Queue Continuum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it was blackballed. Seems you have to have some sort of continuity
} in order to join a continuum
}
} You owe the Oracle:
} 700 Woodchuck questions
} 32 null questions
} 95 Star Trek questions
} 236 Star Wars questions
} 4 Dr Who questions
} 213 Red Dwarf questions
} 87 questions about other Sci-Fi shows
} 21 D&D jokes
} 1230 song parodies
} 134 Gilbert & Sullivan song parodies
} 1 Gilbert & Sullivan song parody that _isn't_ "Modern Major General"
} 8743 questions about "Big Brother 3"
} 10421098 questions about murdering the entire cast of "Big Brother 3",
}  the production staff the producers, and the network executives
}  responsible for putting it on the air.
} 73 lame Natalie Portman references
} 2 lame lemur jokes
} 14 comments about Tim Chew's haircut
} 1398 questions about sex
} 316652 questions about kinky sex
} 8234 drug and alcohol references
} 31413 bad poems
} 2 clever poems
} 124 "Top Ten" Lists
} 13249 Monty Python references
} 432 geeky computer questions
} 234 clueless computer questions
} 432 Linux references
} 132413 Microsoft bashing questions
} 983765986 pro-Microsoft questions
} 1 question from a Microsoft accountant about the 500 employees working
}  on the "TIO project"
} 54 questions mocking French hygiene
} 135 questions mocking France surrendering in WWII
} 12 questions mocking French wine and cheese
} 1 question about French beaches
} 8235472 questions about why American beaches can't be more like French
}  beaches
}
} On second thought, leave out the Monty Python references.


1274-04    (5cl84 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, I am smitten with you.  But, you're already taken.
> So, please enlighten me as to how I can console myself with
> some pathetic, mere mortal instead of you, of such
> surpassing, agonizing perfection, of incomparable mind and
> wit, and radiant, celestial, rapturuous, shining beauty...
> at whose feet I fall, yet whose lips I may never kiss...
> oh, zot me, please!  I can't live without you!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "HOI, ZADOC!"
}
} "Yers, Marster?"
}
} "Put down that stupid book and talk normally, worm."
}
} "Um, yes, um, master. But it's a new one."
}
} "Of course it's a new one, he's writing one a week now. Now shut up and
} listen. I've just got this note, and it's disturbing Me."
}
} "Oh - I see. You're disturbed because of the desperation implicit in
} the writing style?"
}
} "No, you twit, I'm disturbed because she forgot to sign it. How am I
} supposed to know who to invite over for the next slumber party if they
} won't write their names down?"
}
} "Oh. Yes, master."
}
} "I need to know the status of the usual suspects. Kate?"
}
} "She's off on that gourmet cruise, master."
}
} "Cindy?"
}
} "Trying to fill out nursery school applications. It doesn't help that
} she keeps attaching photos of herself instead of the children to the
} forms."
}
} "Sarah Michelle?"
}
} "She sprained her coccyx last week in Tae Bo. I doubt she's thinking of
} much other than sitting down."
}
} "It couldn't be Lisa trying to spring a trap, could it?"
}
} "Oh, that's not her handwriting, master. Hers is so much more feminine,
} and pleasing, and rounded, and desirable, and -"
}
} "ENOUGH."
}
} "Sorry. Wait, master, could it be Farrah?"
}
} "I thought she was getting bo-tox injections with Kate and Jaqueline
} this week. What about Britney?"
}
} "She dots her 'i's with little hearts, and there are multiple two- and
} three-syllable words in the letter."
}
} "Hmnn."
} "Hmmn."
} "That's what I just said."
} "Yes, master."
}
} "Wait - it couldn't be -"
} "No, she wouldn't - "
} "She might..."
} "Really? But that's just plain desperate."
} "Have you seen her recently?"
}
} "Sigh. You're right. All right worm, take a letter."
}
} "Yes, master."
}
} "Ahem. To Mr. James Dewey Esq., San Bernadino CA. From The Internet
} Oracle, Fount of All Wisdom, yadda yadda. Para. Mr. Dewey, enclosed
} please find this correspondence of 16th July from your client, period.
} Please inform her that the John Hinkley defense is not likely to work
} in Los Angeles courts, comma, that even if it did she should have
} sent the letter previous to the incident, comma, and that it's just
} a freaking shoplifting misdemeanor, period. New para. All my best to
} you and whatever those two brats of his were named, look it up worm,
} The Internet Oracle, Most Wise and Sagacious Council yadda yadda.
} New para, p.s., please let Winnie know that the next slumber party
} will be August 3rd if she is free."


1274-05    (15ejb dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: "The Internet Oracle" <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
> From: tech@zotpower.com
> Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 10:24:56 -0500 (EST)
> Subject: Re: Staff of Zot Power Overload
>
>     Dear Customer,
>
> We regret to inform you that the problem with your ZotPower DX-6391
> Staff (tm) is due to overuse. We also regret to inform you that since
> your model has ceased production approximately 3760 years ago, its
> warranty is expired. In order to repair it, you must return it to our
> nearest vendor, where it will be fitted with a new power crystal and
> control system. This entire operation may cost upwards of ?60,000;
> considering this, it may be wiser on your part to purchase a new staff.
>
>     -ZotPower Industries Technical Support

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To: "ZotPower Industries Technical Support" <tech@zotpower.com>
} From: "The Internet Oracle" <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} Date: Sun, 14 Jul 2002 13:27:23 - (EST)
} Subject: Re: Staff of Zot Power Overload
}
} To whom it may concern,
}
} The situation is not that simple.  It is true that I purchased my
} current DX-6391 several thousand years ago.  However, I kindly remind
} you at ZotPower that my ZotStaff came with a full life-time warrenty,
} and I am still very much alive.
}
} As to your suggestion to purchase a new staff, you must not be aware
} that after Zotting thousands of w**dchuckers and Ungrovellers, this
} particular staff holds significant personal and sentimental value to
} me.  Plus, to be perfectly frank, I hate your newer ZotStaffs, with
} their built in "right" and "wrong" ethicators.  If I want to Zot an
} annoying supplicant, you'd better bet your pink frilly pajamas (you
} know.  the ones your mother gave you last year) that I'm going to Zot
} *without,* and I repeat *without* having to wait fifteen minutes for my
} ZotStaff to decide wheather or not this is morally correct.
}
} If your products are incapable of handling my business, I may have to
} search elsewhere.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new Power Crystal.


1274-06    (26cm8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most smart,
>
> What does the snail Mafia want now??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SCENE:  a dimly lit alley behind an Italian restaurant.  Enter 4
} snails.
}
} SNAIL MOB LEADER:  "All right Benny, what gives?  We gives youse
} protection from them slugs, and youse disrespect us by saying youse
} don't got da lettuce you owes us?"
}
} BENNY:  "I got the lettuce, Don Gastropodia!  I got it!  I just need
} a little more time!"
}
} SML:  "Time?  Time, my friend, is what youse don't got.  Squeaky!
} Break his kneecaps!"
}
} SNAIL GOON #1:  "Uh, boss..."
}
} SML:  "Yeah, what is it?  I don't gots all day!"
}
} SG1:  "He doesn't got no kneecaps!"
}
} SML:  "No kneecaps?  Aw crud... (mumbles incoherantly for a minute)...
} All right then!  Vinny!  Get a bag of quick-dry!  We're gonna make
} this guy a nice pair of concrete boots, and see how he likes visitin'
} the little fish!"
}
} SNAIL GOON #2:  "Er, boss..."
}
} SML:  "What, what, what is it now?!?"
}
} SG2:  "He don't gots no feet either!  How we's gonna give him concrete
} boots without no feet to put in 'em?"
}
} SML:  "For the love of... (mutters incoherently for 2 minutes)...
} All right kid, I tell youse what.  I like youse, so I'm gonna let
} youse go this time.  But I want youse out of town, kapish?  Be out of
} town by sundown tomorrow, and we'll forget about this little matter."
}
} BENNY:  "Could we make it next week?  City limits are five miles away,
} you know..."
}
} END SCENE
}
} You owe the Oracle a tearful acceptance speech for the Oscars.


1274-07    (07ffd dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most poetic and lyrical Oracle, the chorus to reality that is
> your digests are the music that instills wisdom far and wide,
>
> Is it possible to have a planet without evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Countless planets are uninhabited.


1274-08    (25kh6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No number of promiscuous nuclear physicists disguised as tiny rancid
> skeletons(as opposed to say unshaven horses or evil-hearted firemen)
> could be as awe inspiring as the Oracle!
>
> I won't mind these voices in my head of they spoke English
> so I figure what it is they're telling me to do. What can
> I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh darn, that is a good grovel!  It makes my heart-equivalent go
} pitter-patter with the sound of tiny feet.
}
} You know how the image on the retinas of an eye are actually
} upside-down and reversed by the lens?  Sounds on the inside of your
} skull are the same. Most psychotics can already reverse the sounds
} already, but it seems you have some sanity getting in the way.  I'd
} prescribe some pro-depressants like Cazorp or Tlofoz, but I doubt any
} apothecary worth their salt would accept an email printout as a
} doctor's scrip.  So, time to make with the therapy:
}
} Voices in one's head tend to be rendudant, saying things over and over
} like "it puts the lotion on it's skin," "criminals are a cowardly and
} superstitious lot," "that was my stapler; burn the building," or
} "tellme". Listen to what the voices have to say and see if you can
} duplicate the sounds out loud.  This exercise is going to take some
} dedication, you will have to practice everywhere -- bathroom stalls,
} your place of work, walking the hospital grounds.  People are going to
} look at you funny if you practice at a normal speaking volume, so it's
} better to mumble this to yourself while you're in public.
}
} Once you're certain you can reproduce the sounds in your head, time to
} form a heavy-metal band.  With enough theatrics like biting the heads
} off of w**dch*cks on stage, you're bound to attract the attention of
} the local fundamentalist Christian decency league.  Here's where you
} release a new single where you chant the sounds from your head under
} the chorus of your latest hit single "Every Time You Tell a Lie, Baby
} Satan Laughs." The decency league ("think of the children!") will
} record your song, play it backwards to look for hidden messages, and
} decypher what the voices in your head have been telling you.  So just
} sit back, get a copy of the daily paper, and the message should be
} there as part of the expose scandal about your band, on page A12, next
} to "Doonsbury."
}
} .epat gniksam-sdrawkcab fo llor a elcarO eht ewo uoY


1274-09    (35egc dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> I have this application to be on MTV's Real World. By glancing over the
> questions, it looks like they are searching for certain answers to the
> questions. What answers should I give?
> __________________________________________________________________
> MTV's Real World Castmember Application
> Please fill out this application and return to MTV Networks, New York,
> New York.
>
> Name_________________________________
> Age__________ Social Security Number__________________
> Address____________________________City________________State__________
> Sex_______ Number of times you've had sex________
>
> 1.) What is your sexual orientation?
> (A) Homosexual  (B) Bisexual  (C) Heterosexual  (D) Still trying to
> discover myself
>
> 2.) How many times a day do you cry?
> (A) 1 to 5   (B) 6 to 10  (C) I don't  (D) I lose count
>
> 3.) How many dates did you have the past weekend?
> (A) 1 to 5 (B) 6 to 10 (C) I don't date (D) I was too drunk to remember
>
> 4.) Are you willing to make sure our cameras are rolling before picking
> fights with your roomates? (A) Yes (B) No (C) I don't fight  (D) I'll
> fight anytime the producers ask me to
>
> 5.) What is your favorite movie?
> (A) Star Trek (B) The Crying Game (C) Casablanca (D) Heathers
>
> 6.) Are you willing to use only the products of official sponsors?
> (A) Yes (B) No (C) You mean MTV has sponsors? (D) I'd tell the world
> how good your sponsor's products are
>
> 7.) What was your favorite past Real World cast?
> (A) New Orleans (B) Miami (C) London (D) Hawaii
>
> 8.) Who is your favorite musician?
> (A) P.O.D (B) Pearl Jam (C) Beethoven (D) Linkin Park
>
> 9A.) Describe your appearance (guys)
> (A) Average (B) Could use a better hairstyle (C) Overweight with lots
> of zits (D) Big abs
>
> 9B) Describe your appearance (girls)
> (A) Average (B) Average, but others think I'm hot (C) Overweight (D)
> Big hooters
>
> 10.) If selected, will you be willing to have your privacy constantly
> violated, your family find out your darkest secrets, your mother see
> you smootch up to someone you met in a club, and be humiliated
> constantly on national TV, all for $15,000 and five seconds of fame?
> (A) Yes (B) Maybe (C) No (D) I'll do it for free!
>
> Signature__________________________Date____________
> Please enclose a recent photo, your medical records from the past three
> years and list two referrences. Mug shots do not count as a photo. You
> may only use one parole officer, probation officer, court psychiatrist,
> warden, etc. as a referrence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't really matter which answers you give on that application,
} since they're just going to pick 200 people at random to interview and
} then pick the most annoying 10.  But what's really interesting is the
} similarities between the "Real World" and "Jeopardy!" applications:
}
} "Jeopardy!" Contestant Application
} Please fill out in black ink and return to "Jeopardy!", c/o Sony
} Studios, Culver City, California.  ("Jeopardy!" reserves the right to
} forward rejected applications to "Wheel of Fortune.")
}
} Name ___________________
} Age _______  IQ ________  High school GPA _______  College GPA ______
} Address ___________________ City ______________ State/Province ______
} E-mail address ________@____.edu
}
} 1.) Highest level of education achieved
} (A) Master's degree (B) Doctorate (C) Two doctorates (D) Doctorate in
} every subject
}
} 2.) Profession
} (A) Professor  (B) Teacher  (C) Instructor  (D) Lawyer
}
} 3.) Favorite author
} (A) Aeschylus in the original Greek (B) Vergil in the original Latin
} (C) Voltaire in the original French (D) Basho in the original Japanese
}
} 4.) Favorite current author
} (A) Early period Stephen Hawking (B) Middle period Stephen Hawking
} (C) Late period Stephen Hawking (D) All of the above
}
} 5.) Favorite composer
} (A) J.S. Bach  (B) J.G. Bach  (C) J.M. Bach  (D) J.P. Bach
}
} 6.) Amount of time it took you to spot the fictional Bach(s) in the
} above question
} (A) 1-10 seconds (B) Less than 1 second
} (C) Less than 1 microsecond  (D) Less than 1 picosecond
}
} 7.) I have been using computers since...
} (A) They hooked up to a TV  (B) They only came in kit form
} (C) They used punch cards  (D) Charles Babbage invented them
}
} 8.) I have been watching "Jeopardy!" since...
} (A) Alex Trebek began hosting  (B) Art Fleming began hosting
} (C) The original run-through in Merv Griffin's office
} (D) I was sitting next to Merv Griffin when he came up with the concept
}
} 9.) (Males only) Facial hair style
} (A) Goatee  (B) Van Dyke  (C) Full beard  (D) Handlebar mustache
}
} 10.) If selected, will you laugh at all of Alex Trebek's "jokes" during
} the interview portion of the program?
} (A) Yes  (B) Absolutely  (C) Especially if they're at my expense
} (D) Especially if he mentions Canada
}
} Signature_______________________   Date__________
} Please enclose photocopies of all diplomas, SAT and ACT results, and
} opening move for "Jeopardy!" Contestant Chess-by-Mail Game #1, along
} with two references.  You may only use one local Mensa chapter officer
} as a reference.


1274-10    (1aje6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have invented a new shampoo/conditioner/
> body lotion/enema/salad dressing/face paint/motor lubricant.
> What would be the best way to market this revolutionary product?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's the problem: a product strikingly similar to the one
} you have concocted is already in the marketplace.  It is being
} marketed internationally as "Pepsi." Your first step is to
} differentiate your product from Pepsi by pointing out that yours is
} a shampoo/conditioner/body lotion/salad dressing/face paint/motor
} lubricant while theirs is merely a shampoo/conditioner/salad
} dressing/face paint/motor lubricant/industrial solvent/soft drink.
} Also play up the fact that yours tastes better.
}
} Here, the Oracle is thinking of some snazzy billboard ads. Show
} barely-clothed young people at the beach drinking your product while
} rubbing it on their bodies, in their hair, and into their engine block.
}
} Once you've established your brand, it's easy sailing from then on out.


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