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Internet Oracularities #1275

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Internet Oracularities #1275    (55 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 2002 11:33:21 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   1275
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1275  55 votes 33jm8 4cnc4 16kk8 3ekd5 13mhc 2eqb2 28bhh 2ddi9 1bgi9 4eq74
1275  3.3 mean  3.5   3.0   3.5   3.1   3.7   2.9   3.7   3.3   3.4   2.9


1275-01    (33jm8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <shantipoet@teenagewildlife.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most wise in the ways of the heart (at least the man's side of
> things),
>
> I met this lady on line, and we've exchanged a few emails.  Her latest
> email made good use of words such as "pyrotechnic", "sojourn",
> "klaxons", and "literate".  Have I found a lady Evil Genius?  And how
> do I win her heart?  Besides the chocolate, that is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see you want to court an Evil Lady, eh?  That means you yourself
} must be an Evil Overlord.  The Oracle forsees the following
} conversation between you, when you finally meet:
}
} LORD:  Stick with me, Lady, I'll show you a good-- er, evil, I mean
}        evil -- time.
} LADY:  Hmm.  I see you've kind of overdone it with the red velvet.
} LORD:  Hey, Miss PVC, you don't see me commenting on your wardrobe.
} LADY:  Okay, okay.  You're evil and self-centered.  How can I be sure
}        you're the right match for me?
} LORD:  Y'see, I can dedicate myself to pleasing you, without all those
}        pesky 'ethics' and 'morals' getting in the way.  Want a new
}        bracelet?  You don't have to wait until I can afford one!
} LADY:  Interesting.  But how can I be sure you won't abandon me the
}        second you meet someone with a tighter latex outfit?
} LORD:  [Looks LADY up and down]  I hardly think that's possible.
} LADY:  Touche'.  But the point still stands.
} LORD:  Well ... Evil Overlords are well known for fanatical devotion
}        to an idea, cause, or, well, [twirls mustachios] you.
} LADY:  They're also well known for black-hearted treachery.
} LORD:  [delighted]  You flatterer!  You could take me on faith...
} LADY:  [laughs]  Oh you scamp!  How about we gather dossiers on one
}        another full of blackmail material that will be entrusted to a
}        hermit monk in the desert.  If something ... happens ... the
}        hermit will deliver the packet to the press.
} LORD:  [impressed]  Excellent!  Come embrace me, my sweet.
} LADY:  I want to see your hands at all times.
} LORD:  [waggles eyebrows] Where do you want to see them?
} LADY:  In plain view.
} [The couple approach one another, warily, then gingerly embrace.
} A moment later they simultaneously stab one another in the back]
} LORD:  My Lady, my love!
} LADY:  It's how I always dreamed it would be!
} [All die.  Curtain]


1275-02    (4cnc4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle so wise, omnipotent, and powerful:
>
> Do you ever go on ZOT-ing sprees where you just ZOT people for fun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. But I'm willing to give it a try. Tell you what since
} it was your idea I'll give you a running start.


1275-03    (16kk8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most well-modulated:
>
> What are those "spy numbers" radio broadcasts for? You know, the
> shortwave radio stations that, after giving out some sort of cryptic
> call sign or playing a short piece of music to identify themselves,
> begin to repeat strings of seemingly random digits for upwards of a
> half an hour. Who is broadcasting them, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will explain, but what you're looking at is old
} school. After the explanation we'll see how it's done now
} a days.
}
} > What are those "spy numbers" radio broadcasts for?
}
} They're spy numbers. Look, let's say you have a big operation
} planned, you need to send out directions, get things all set.
} But see if you'd been quiet for a while and then all of a
} sudden starting sending out messages then the bad guys will
} note the traffic increase and know you're up to something.
} But if you are ALWAYS sending out a nonstop flow of numbers,
} then they can't tell which ones are noise and which signal.
} Not to mention the time they'd waste if they tried to uncode
} it all.
}
} Now a days messages are hidden in USENET messages. Just try
} and read some of the inane blatherings about poker cascades
} and fake moon landings and if balrogs had wings and such that
} make up the lion's share of USENET. Those posts are all fake
} line noise. No rational human would type such drivel. But it
} makes it look like USENET is in constant use. Then when the
} spies want to send out a coded message they throw it into an
} all gibberish group like alt.non.sequitur, or talk.bizzare,
} or rec.humor.oracle.d where a coded message will go undetected
} as it blends into the insane banshee howling madness of totally
} pointless words in ASCII that litter such froups.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 36677 83883 83773 22347 88019 23474.


1275-04    (3ekd5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SELECT ORACULARITIES.* FROM ORACLE.ORACULARITIES WHERE
> ORACULARITIES.GRADEOFFUN > 0;
>
> 0 Rows returned.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, requests that big are terminated immediately, try a more
} moderate one like this:
}
} 1> SELECT * FROM ORACULARITIES
} 2> WHERE GRADEOFFUN > 0
} 3> AND QUESTION_TYPE LIKE "NOT_LAME%"
} 4> ORDER BY DATE
} 5> GO


1275-05    (13mhc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you tell me, in laymans terms, how a web site which doesn't
> charge for profits or services makes money, especially if it's new?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, Virginia, the Profit Fairy visits every Tuesday night after
} bedtime, when the bad NASDAQ bears are all sleeping in their
} beddie-byes. She sprinkles magic shoo-dust in the eyes of the Crushing
} Debt Gnomes, who all run away to their homes beneath the trees. Then
} she leaves a special compensation package under the pillow of little
} Ceo, our hero, so that for the rest of the week he can rule the land of
} Gross Outflow wisely.
}
} At least, that's how it is being taught in MBA school these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle an audit of Mother Goose's books.


1275-06    (2eqb2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When all is said and done, how can one relieve boredom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Jaded,
}
} One might relieve boredom by thinking of phrases full of adulation and
} awe with which to entice The Oracle to answer one's question--the
} customary manner for beginning a request.  However, since you say that
} "all is said and done," that precludes your saying anything else.  That
} could be a good thing.
}
} The fact of the matter is that, once all is said and done, boredom is
} all that is left.
}
} Too bad you're not one of those lucky mortals who can do something more
} than once and still enjoy it.  Many people find that they are able to
} repeatedly enjoy sex after that first time--in fact, usually more so
} after that first time, because they get better at it.  Some people are
} able to watch the same movie twice and still be entertained; some
} people are able to watch the same movie (e.g., "Rocky Horror Picture
} Show") once a week for years and never get bored with it.  And there
} are those mortals who are able to tell the same joke over and over and
} over again and still find it exceedingly funny.  I'm sure you know at
} least one such person.
}
} If you apprenticed yourself to this person--no, wait, that won't work,
} because, for you "all is said and done."  You can't do anything new,
} like apprenticing yourself to someone who can say something repeatedly
} without getting bored with it.
}
} Yeah, right.
} D'oh!
} You go, girl!
} Dude!
} 'Sup?
}
} Don't you wish you could be like them?  Too bad!
}
} You owe The Oracle a handwritten copy of the complete works of William
} Shakespeare--in your handwriting, of course.


1275-07    (28bhh dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Oracle, can you lend me 5 bucks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK.  Sure.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 bucks.


1275-08    (2ddi9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise,
>
> Do horses eyes usually glow red??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's quite normal. Just means you need to take them
} out for some exorcise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a roll of shadow fax paper.


1275-09    (1bgi9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose knowledge ends not even at the edge of the universe,
>
> What type of fish are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   ><>  ><>  ><>  What Type of Fish are You?  <><  <><  <><
}
} 1) What is your favorite food?
}    a) other fish
}    b) The flakes of stuff that show up on the surface from
}       time to time, why I could eat that until I die! Yum!
}    c) paper, glue, stuff like that
}    d) krill
}
} 2) How do you spend your day?
}    a) Looking for food
}    b) Going in and out of a tiny sunken pirate ship
}    c) hiding
}    d) breaching for air, diving. Repeat ad nausea
}
} 3) What color are you?
}    a) chose 'a' if 'b', 'c' or 'd' DO NOT apply to you
}    b) gold
}    c) silver
}    d) dull yet glistening leathery color, light hair present
}
} Stop here and check your answers so far. If you answered 'd'
} for all of the above you are a sea mammal and not a fish, go
} away. If you chose 'c' for all of the above you are a silver-
} fish which technically means you aren't a fish either, go
} away. If you chose 'b' for all of the above you are a goldfish
} and need not proceed. Otherwise, on to the rest of the quiz.
}
} 4) Your biggest fear is:
}    a) fishermen
}    b) other fish
}    c) drought
}    d) I ain't scared of nothing
}
} 5) Your favorite character in The Lord of the Rings is:
}    a) one of the hobbits -- happy, in their own world
}    b) one of the elves -- cool and self confident
}    c) one of the humans -- doomed, doomed, doomed
}    d) one of the bad guys -- wanta make something of it?
}
} 7) Which of the following have you ever dreamt of?
}    (chose all that apply)
}    a) getting swept over a waterfall
}    b) being turned into a fish stick
}    c) being chased by a snapping turtle
}    d) don't sleep, waste of time
}
} Stop here and tally your score for answers 4 through 7. If
} you answer 'a' to all of the above you are a freshwater river
} dwelling fish, if 'b' you are a freshwater pond fish - in
} either case you are a boring fish, you may leave now. If you
} answered 'd' you are most likely a shark, unless you also
} answer 'c' to number 3 in which case you are a piranha. If
} you answered 'b' to all of the above finish the quiz.
}
} 8) How big are you?
}   a) itty-bitty
}   b) medium
}   c) big
}   d) freaky huge
}
} You are one of the countless zillions of fish that live in
} the sea, if you answered 'a' to number 8 you are an itty-bitty
} fish, if 'b' you're a medium sized fish and live on those
} that answered 'a', if you answered 'c' you are a big fish &
} eat those that answered 'a' or 'b', if you answered  'd' you
} too are a sea fish and eat everything that isn't a shark.
}
} Thank you for playing, hope you had 'fin'!
}
} You owe the Oracle two snorkels and a can of tuna.


1275-10    (4eq74 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle why do the French say silly things like pas de
> lieu Rhone que nous? Don't they realise a language has to
> make sense before anyone will use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant why do you not use a comma in your first sentence?  And
} while we're on the subject on language, wouldn't having everything be
} spelled the weigh it sounds bee clever?  And don't get me started awn
} homophones!  One pronunciation, one meaning, that's my motto!  Y, b4 u
} no it this language will b 4 d birds!  We'll awl bee speaking the won
} and only reasonable language their is - Latin.  Everyone loved Latin,
} back in the day!  Oar wee could make a hole gnu language, won witch wee
} awl could understand!
}
} And wee could cawl it - Esperanto.
}
} Naaaaa.
}
} Ewe owe the Oracle a copy of Critique of Pure Reason, in French.


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