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Internet Oracularities #1276

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Internet Oracularities #1276    (52 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 02 Aug 2002 14:13:43 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1276
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1276  52 votes 34lj5 3ddj4 26lh6 07ejc 0cnd4 5bcea 56gcd 75he9 09hi8 3kj82
1276  3.3 mean  3.4   3.2   3.4   3.7   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.5   2.7


1276-01    (34lj5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle who knows exactly what I'm always thinking of
> (*winces*),
>
> Am I doing as well as I think I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you've quit using MIME.
}
} And you no longer quote the question in the answer.
}
} And you're trying to send in more tellmes than askmes.
}
} So on those accounts you're doing much, much better.
}
} Now we need to work on honing your sense of humor.
}
} Here's a quick quiz to help you stay on the twisted
} path of windy passages, many of which look alike.
}
}        ---== Am I on the Right Path? ==---
}
} 1) To get in a funny frame of mind, which of following
}    should you read:
}
}    a) The Best of the Oracle at:
}       http://cgi.cs.indiana.edu/~oracle/bestofs.cgi
}    b) a book by Samuel Beckett
}    c) Read?! Bah, watch some TV sitcoms.
}    d) rec.humor.oracle.d
}
} 2) To verify if what you just wrote was funny or not
}    which should you do?
}
}    a) Erm, if you need to have it verified, it sure
}       as heck ain't funny.
}    b) Set it aside for a while, then re-read it and
}       see if it still amuses.
}    c) Picture it being acted out by the cast of "Friends".
}    d) Count the number of in-jokes in your answer, if
}       less than ten add more.
}
} 3) If you get a real lame question what should you do?
}
}    a) There are no lame questions.
}    b) Ignore it and let it slide back into the queue.
}    c) <ZOT!> the fool!
}    d) Turn it into a poker cascade.
}
} 4) Which of the following comics do you most identify
}    with?
}
}    a) Andy Kaufman
}    b) Johantan Winters
}    c) Steve Wright
}    d) Joel Furr
}
} 5) How long does it take to write a really good answer?
}
}    a) It varies
}    b) Less than 24 hours
}    c) More than 24 hours
}    d) .02 seconds
}
} 7) When should you use an injoke, stock answer, or a
}    formula reply?
}
}    a) Never
}    b) Sparingly, they're like seasonings, too much or
}       too often and they'll over power the true 'meal'
}    c) Bah! The idea is to make your mark by making
}       a new in-joke by constantly hammering away with
}       a character of your own design until it is
}       accepted as genius by all! So says WIG-BOY!
}    d) The use of formula answers is short hand way
}       of letting others know you're with the in-crowd
}       so you have to use them or be labeled as a newbie.
}
} 8) Be honest, have you read the Oracle homepage and
}    followed all the links off of it and all the past
}    digests?
}
}     a) Well, not -all- of it, there's a heck of a lot
}        of links involved there, but most of it.
}     b) Yes.
}     c) No, Lawrence J. Ellison is a bore.
}     d) I saw the movie.
}
}   ----------------------------------------------------------
}   Scoring:
}   For each answer of 'a' or 'b' give yourself one point.
}   For each answer of 'c' of 'd' giver yourself zero points.
}   If Question #4 made you feel trapped and constrained
}   give yourself two points.
}
}   If you earned 8 or more points you're not real, go away.
}   If you earned 5 to 7 points you're a normal person, but
}   The Oracle won't hold that against you, you have promise,
}   you are on the right path.
}   If you earned 4 or less points you have strayed from the
}   twisted windy path of amusement, turn around until you're
}   real dizzy then retrace your steps, look around and see
}   if you're on the path or not. If not, spin around again
}   and try to find your way back again. Repeat as necessary.
}  -----------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle six sheared sheep.


1276-02    (3ddj4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Holy Toledo has nothing on the Oracle, his loop'd and
> window'd raggedness scares the world as much as his words
> enlighten it,
>
> Why was the elf princess glowing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 11 reasons Why the Elf Princess is Glowing:
}
} 1.) She is on fire.
} 2.) She is casting a magical glowing spell.
} 3.) She's not glowing; you're watching a movie and the director
}  wishes to visually show the magic that the characters can feel.
} 4.) She is being hit by particularly strong moonlight.
} 5.) She ate Tinkerbell.
} 6.) She is glowing for the same reason that the large elephant
}  is attacking Bruce Springstein -- you're drunk.
} 7.) She is cursed by a horrible curse of luminescence.
} 8.) She is blessed with magical radiance.
} 9.) What you suspect is an Elf princess is actually a flare grenade.
} 10.) She was an agent.  Neo will pop out of her in a moment.
} 11.) She's pregnant.
} 12.) She took Sting, broke it into tiny little pieces, and covered
}  herself with it.  There is an orc nearby.
} 13.) She's a #$#@$# Elf princess.  She #$#@$# glows.  #$#@$# deal.
}
} You owe the Oracle a length of rope, some mice, and a fig.


1276-03    (26lh6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I Hearken to your Mighty Words!
>
> I live in San Francisco with wife, daughter, and another
> baby on the way.  We have decided that the Bay Area is
> "too weird", and wish to move to the Midwest, possibly
> Iowa or Nebraska.  Trouble is, we don't have any way of
> picking, or even distinguishing the two states.  Please
> help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Iowa and Nebraska are easy to identify and distinguish.
}
} In Iowa, the state pastime is throwing cheese.  Elaborate cheese
} throwing contests are often held, and the winner is awarded the
} distinction of milking the prize cow, and making more cheese.  In
} addition, most people in Iowa have things in their mouths.  This is is
} because Iowa's official State Disorder is oral fixation.  Some people
} have toothpicks or straw in their mouths, some have chickens or
} fingers.  A few even have teeth.
}
} Nebraska is home to many skilled artisans, and is easily identifable by
} their works.  There, you can see the world's largest rocking chair, the
} worlds fourth largest ball of twine, the world's largest wooden statue
} of a Coca-Cola bottle, and many more.  residents of Nebraska have also
} learned to communicate with only eye movements, which can make things
} tough on the outside, but once it is learned this method of
} communication is very efficient.
}
} Overall, I think you're right that it's too wierd on the West coast.
} One of these places would be much better.
}
} You owe the Oracle the world's largest statue of a woodchuck, made from
} wood that a woodchuck chucked.


1276-04    (07ejc dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most erudite and sweet-smelling:
>
> Who really shot JFK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good lord, don't you people read the ending credits?
}
} JFK
} An Oliver Stone film
} ...
} Cinematography by: Robert Richardson
} ...
}
} You owe the Oracle some solvent; my foot's stuck to the cinema floor
} again.


1276-05    (0cnd4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can Christopher Walken possibly be more creepy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Imagine him, if you will, in a tight leather Speedo, juggling the
} shrunken severed heads of your friends and relatives.
}
} No?  Well, how about as the new nuke-happy dictator of any superpower
} of your choice?
}
} Not creepy enough yet?  What if they filmed a scene like the one
} in "Being John Malkovich", where everyone (regardless of gender)
} has Cristopher Walken's face and voice?
}
} Your tolerance for creepy is frighteningly high.  All right, you made
} me do it.
}
} Imagine if you will.... Christopher Walken in an awful, awful movie
} about anthropomorphic bears, based on a regrettable Disney theme park
} attraction and with cameos by the like of Queen Latifah.
}
} Never mind... it's been done.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question about Carrie Fisher.


1276-06    (5bcea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Mighty Oracle, Whose Mind Is Like A Bladder Leaking The Truth That
> Not Even Detrol(tm) Could Contain.
>
> I think Sunny Delight is Delocious where as other people liken it to
> rat urine.  So I ask, what is Sunny Delight's "secret" ingredient?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rat urine.


1276-07    (56gcd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, knowledgeable in all things mundane, knowledgeable in all
> things extramundane,
>
> Do kitchen utensils have their own afterlife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come and we shall see.  . .
}
} [ Gloom fills the room and when it lifts we find the Supplicant
}   and The Oracle standing at the bottom of a mind bogglingly
}   huge horizon spanning steel sink. It is littered with spoons
}   and forks, most of them plastic. ]
}
} This is limbo, Here lie those utensils that have not sinned,
} nor have they been graced. A cold, almost sterile world this is.
}
} [ The Oracle points to a gurgling drain the size of a stadium. ]
}
} The entrance to Utensil Hell lies there. Come. Follow me down
} The Drain to the next level.
}
} [ They find themselves below the huge sink, it's dark, &
}   foul greasy water is dripping on them constantly. They're
}   standing knee deep in a red bog of rusty toasters. ]
}
} Those that were Too Hot now rust here. Toasters mostly, taken
} home, plugged in then WHOOSH! They burn up your Pop-tart, or
} bagel, of toast and work not ever again. Too hot for life now
} they are cold here. Rusting for ever, their only element now
} is oxidized iron.
}
} [ A loud ROAR is heard and bits of steel fly by them. ]
}
} We must go! The Disposal of Retribution moves among them
} tossing them about at times in a tornado of torment and
} crumbs. Follow me down this crack to The Basement of
} Gluttony!
}
} [ Freezers and ice chests, bread boxes and Tupper-ware is
}   everywhere. It's even wetter down there. And it smells
}   really bad. ]
}
} Things that Wanted Always to be Be Filled are here. Freezers
} that sucked up electricity just so a box of Otter-pops won't
} melt. Refrigerators that hid things in the back to turn
} into mystery mold. Plastic Bowls that demanded to be burped
} in public. Not they are full, full of mold and fuzzy green
} spheres that may have once been oranges. Come!
}
} [ They find themselves in a cramped overstuffed subbasement
}   crammed to the ceiling with copper bottomed pans and George
}   Foreman Grills. ]
}
} They zone of the Over Priced. They demanded much and gave
} back so little. Now they don't even get room enough to think.
} Brace yourself, next is the Wasteland of the Wrathful.
}
} [ The noise is over whelming! A dark river of coffee full
}   of whirling bean grinders. red hot coffee pots, and grim
}   screaming teapots. The Oracle has to yell to be heard. ]
}
} The Angry Appliances! Alive they made anger juice, now they
} boil in a jet river of caffeine! No sleep, no rest, jittering
} forever, breath like dogs, stomach linings that look like
} swiss cheese that's been shot with a shotgun! We must cross
} this river! Here comes MayTag, the Repairman, he'll ferry
} us across.! Touch Not The Sea! It scalds!
}
} [ A tubby bored man in too tight pants shows up in a big
}   salad spinner, they enter it and float across the steaming
}   stream. They exit on the other side on a shore of splorks
}   littered with microwaves. Everything is alive with ants.]
}
} Things that aren't what they say. Splorks, the transvestite
} tool that is neither spoon nor fork, and microwaves that
} don't heat, but make things hot -- all by atomically
} incorrect tricks too vile to speak of even here. On this
} shore they sit covered with ants, mostly just because.
} Stay close, we enter the city of the Dangerous Tools that
} Cut the Hand that Bought Them!
}
} [ They go through a gate into a city of sorts. Bloody knives,
}   cleavers coated in gore, shards of glass, and cheese
}   graters bearing strips of skin are at war with each other
}   in the streets. ]
}
} Those that cut their owners here cut each other by day and
} grow dull at night in an endless cycle of cutlery chaos.
}
} [ A cold wind freezes the supplicant to his marrow. ]
}
} Ahead is the Temple of Fraud! Ice Makers that didn't.
} Dishwashers that couldn't get a feather off of a sheet
} of pyrex, Unscratchable pans that looked like smallpox
} victims as soon as you ran water over them. All encased
} in The Vat of Frozen Lime Jell-O!
}
} [ Before them is a sickly green sea of rock hard lime
}   cartilage based goo laced with sugar. In it one can
}   see at various levels devices frozen. ]
}
} The Horror! And ahead. Saran! The Evil Wrap Lord! Clear
} King of this World!
}
} [ An evil laugh wracks the air, even the frozen Jell-O
}   lake quivers a bit. And there before them is a huge
}   Sheet Of Saran Wrap! The Supplicant Screams! ]
}
} Now my task is done. You that left the milk out on
} the counter after drinking Right Out of the Jug!
}
} [ Saran laughs again! -- fade to black ]


1276-08    (75he9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark Lawrence" <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> BOFH?
>
> <clickety-click>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Bastard Oracle From Hell, slipping into third person as only a
} deity and several inbred members of the royal family can, sipped his
} drink carefully and disassembled the laxative with his tongue. His
} protege, the Priestly-Shaped Yankee, was learning ... but not fast
} enough.
}
} Unfortunately, the Zot Staff was in a state of slight disrepair, its
} wattage level having been set far over spec in a brilliant display of
} incendiary technology, taking well over half of Wisconsin with it. A
} clever ploy and several diverted funds later, and it was only a matter
} of time until it was replaced before anyone noticed.
}
} Not that there was anything especially important in Wisconsin, but I
} hate leaving a mess. And talking in third-person scares the locals.
}
} "I'm bored," said the PSY, interrupting my train of thought. Apparently
} tired of randomly deleting questions from the queue and irrevocably
} rerouting others, the PSY had switched to redirecting all queries from
} AOL to dev/null where they properly belonged. That having taken all of
} seven seconds of his time, he was looking for alternate distractions; I
} would normally gladly assist in his time of need, but with the Zot
} Staff out of commission ...
}
} No matter. I was entertained by occasional screams of pain preceded (by
} pure coincidence, no doubt) by the sound of a drawer being slammed shut
} on a not-private-anymore area when the phone rang. The PSY, never one
} to have difficulty in exchanging suffering for the possibility of
} pleasure, put it on the hands-free so he could properly recover.
}
} "First National Bank!" the PSY cheerily announced, our misdirection
} technique of the day.
}
} "First National ...?" queried the user. "I thought this was the number
} for the systems room."
}
} "No, this is the First National Bank," insisted the PSY, his voice
} dropping the sunshine in favour of a sterner tone. "Who told you this
} was systems?"
}
} "The helpdesk, I thought," muttered the confused priest, "they
} transferred me directly to you."
}
} "I'll tell you what," I chimed in, using the PSY's voice so the priest
} wouldn't know I was in the room, "we'll try to help you out anyway,
} since you seem to be a good enough person."
}
} "What are you doing?" mouthed the PSY.
}
} "You said you were bored," I mouth back, motioning ever-so-slightly to
} the nearest drawer.
}
} "What seems to be the problem?"
}
} Clever guy. Well, not necessarily clever, but quick.
}
} "Um, well, I don't think you can help ..." stuttered the user.
}
} "How hard can it be? I used to work in systems; not much can have
} changed in ten years, right?"
}
} That's not bad, actually; just enough doubt so that if something goes
} wrong, the user can blame himself. Maybe he's smarter than I thought.
}
} "Well, see, I can't log into the queue to get my daily set."
}
} The PSY rolls his eyes. In other words, he can't get his mail.
}
} "What's the error message you're getting?"
}
} "Er, well, I don't know; the message screen always goes by so fast, and
} then the program closes ..."
}
} "I'm no expert," interrupts the PSY, "but I'd say it's probably due
} to," he flips the excuse card over, "intermittent connection relays."
}
} "What?"
}
} "Well, when you connect to get your set, your computer has to hook up
} to the internet through a few dozen relay ports. If those relays aren't
} set up correctly, you'll never get through."
}
} *Dummy Mode On*
}
} "Oh, well, that makes sense ..."
}
} "What you'll need to do is boost the output of your computer so it
} doesn't have to use so many relays."
}
} "Ohhhhh, like a radio signal."
}
} The PSY smiles. Just enough information to be dangerous.
}
} "Yes, that's right."
}
} "Okay, so how do I boost the signal?"
}
} "Well, it's a bit tricky, and might void your warrantee ..."
}
} "That's okay; I really need to log into the queue!"
}
} "Okay. Do you happen to know what kind of power plug your computer
} has?"
}
} "What do you mean?"
}
} "Does it have two prongs or three?"
}
} "Lemme check ... um, three. Oh, and my computer just shut off."
}
} "That's okay; you'll need to reboot anyway. But it looks like your
} computer isn't getting enough power to boost the signal; that third
} prong is just *killing* your feed. You'll have to cut it off."
}
} "I have my pocket knife. Will that work?"
}
} "It just might do the job. Snip off that third prong, plug in, boot up,
} and you should be just fine."
}
} "Thanks!"
}
} "All part of the service. Thanks for calling First National Bank."
}
} <Click>
}
} The PSY smiles at me. "I figure we have about ten minutes before the
} fire alarms go off."
}
} "Just enough time to go get a lager, then."
}
} "My treat!"
}
} Now that's a first. I take some laxatives out of my hidden drawer for a
} pre-emptive strike.
}
} Just another day at the office ...


1276-09    (09hi8 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Widely known and acclaimed by all is the wisdom of the Oracle,
>  prestigious is his stance, his ideas celebrated in all the lands;
>
>  How many more times should I go see The Fellowship of the Ring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three times to see the elves in their city under the Sky,
} Seven times to see the corpses of the Dwarf Lords in their halls of
}   stone,
} Nine times to see the mortal men doomed to die in cool CGI effects at
}   the beginning,
} One time to see the annoying fiery eyeball.
} One time to best them all,
} One time to sleep through,
} One time to bring your friends,
} And in the darkness, eat popcorn,
} At AMC, where your money lies...
}
} You owe the Oracle a ringwraith.


1276-10    (3kj82 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most high and exalted,
> answer a question from a supplicant most shy and assaulted.
>
> What happened to the good ol' days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They were replaced by the average middle-aged weeks,
} which were in turn replaced by the bad, teenaged
} fortnights, which were replaced by the awful, infant
} months.
}
} You owe the Oracle next year's calendar.


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