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Internet Oracularities #1277

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Internet Oracularities #1277    (49 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 08 Aug 2002 13:02:40 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1277
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1277  49 votes 2fjb2 13cif 0cjc6 07ij5 36le5 29pa3 8ff92 3jh91 bcd58 0bjd6
1277  3.1 mean  2.9   3.9   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.1   2.6   2.7   2.7   3.3


1277-01    (2fjb2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OWAAKO,
>
> I have decided that, to assist you in your oracling, I would like to
> coin a few useful acronyms.  For instance, I think we need a standard
> and easy tribute, such as Oh Wise And All Knowing Oracle (OWAAKO), so
> as to not make you read such things over and over again.  I think You
> Owe The Oracle (YOTO) might require less ink and hand motions on the
> part of your priests.  What do you make of these ideas, great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GI! SB! EBIBFTI, AWLI.
}
} YOO a new cell phone.


1277-02    (13cif dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who could bring a knife to a gunfight and win
> anyway, please tell this lowly supplicant...
>
> Where have all the cowboys gone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, just to make sure we're clear, I could come to a gunfight with a
} spoon and win anyway.  Isn't *that* ironic?
}
} Hmm, cowboys, cowboys--I had them here a second ago...  Ah, here we
} are. Since the main job of the cowboy was to herd cattle from the
} ranches to the various slaughterhouses, the need for them was greatly
} reduced as more of the country was connected via road and rail.  Today,
} all the cowboys have changed professions to a modern job that suits
} their skills.  Since they can withstand a great deal of monotony, are
} proficient in pointing brainless animals in the proper direction
} (especially when the destination is not in the animals' best interest),
} jump into action the moment any little thing goes awry (which includes
} things being "too quiet"), don't care what they're wearing as long as
} it's comfortable and are willing to shoot someone they don't like on
} sight, they are currently in great demand.
}
} We now call them tech support.
}
} And don't be fooled by those namby-pamby city-slickers on "help desk".
} Those fools can't tell a SCSI port from a hole in their head.  I'm
} talking real tech support.  The guys and girls who'll format a hard
} drive just to show the machine who's boss (especially if it runs any
} form of Windows).  I once saw a man quick-draw his leatherman and swap
} out two hard drives and a motherboard before the greenhorn MCSE he was
} facing found the power switch.  Some say they've lost their spark from
} the old days, but those who do have never felt the sting of a blood
} sacrifice freely given to the gods of PCI card installation.
}
} Oh, you want to know how to win a gunfight with a spoon?  Just hold it
} up and say "There is no spoon".  When your opponent looks at your hand
} to try to figure out what you're talking about (and how to get you to
} share your obviously high-quality stash), you kick him in the
} saddlehorn.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of chaps, a spoon, and a saddlehorn cup.


1277-03    (0cjc6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your move.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Checkmate.
}
} Zadoc: Dang, I always lose. No more.
}
} Oracle: Come on this time I'll play minus the pawn.
}
} Zadoc: Hmm, so all you get on the board is your king?
}
} Oracle: Yep. So how much do you want to wager this time?


1277-04    (07ij5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oraxl most versed in the scienfce of biolofy,
>
> What's so geat about opoosavle thumbd anyway?cI
> sid't need rthem to type trhis qurstion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, until you guys crank out the works of Shakespeare
} NONE of you monkeys are supposed to be sending out email
} and the like. We won't even bring up all the hits to
} simian.love.com.
}
} You owe the Oracle three weird sisters.


1277-05    (36le5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle most knowing, whose breadth I am not fit to butter,
>
> Everytime I reload the homepage of the Internet Oracle, the words
> 'Internet Oracle' appear in a different style. At first I didn't
> notice it much, but then I realized that there could only be one way
> for such a phenomenon to occur--I must have supernatural powers that
> allow me to travel to different dimensions where 'Internet Oracle'
> is written differently! Or perhaps my computer is responsible for
> such a wondrous ability. The thing is, Oracle, that all the other
> dimensions are pretty boring. I mean, they're pretty much like the
> one I started out in.  Where are all the interesting ones, and why
> can't I get to them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You _are_ in the interesting one, bucko.  Consider all these dimensions
} that you could have been stuck in:
}
} Dimension 34: Chocolate tastes like sour milk and oysters.
}
} Dimension 101: The average sleep cycle is 19 hours out of every 24.
}
} Dimension 332: The laws of physics allow for only three possible
}    musical notes, which have been dubbed Moe, Larry, and Curly.
}
} Dimension 399: An orgasm is slightly less interesting than a sneeze.
}
} Dimensions 555 through 559: Emperor Gates has forbidden all
}    non-Microsoft technology and there are no rebels because the idea
}    of rebellion has never been conceived.
}
} Dimension 609: Due to unfavorable genetic mutations all women talk like
}    Selma and Patty Simpson.
}
} Dimension 747: Cheese dissolves instantly in sunlight.
}
} Dimension 785: Movies soundtracks are _never_ synchronized with
}    the pictures.
}
} Dimension 1102: Phones and doorbells continue to ring for 30 seconds
}    after they've been answered.
}
} Dimension 1229: The Oracle ZOT!'s his supplicants _before_ they
}    ask their questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle some chocolate NOT from Dimension 34.  Eewwwww!


1277-06    (29pa3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, my local government's legislature recently
> enacted a law entitled thus:
>
>      "Funeral directors and embalmers; continuing education."
>
> No doubt there is a considerable public interest in this subject.
> The details, however, escape me.  What marvelous advancements have
> been made in embalming these days, that would prompt such a requirement
> on education in the subject?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} EMBALMING LESSON #1:
}
} Make sure the person is dead before embalming them.
}
} WHAT IF:
}
} The person is not dead?
} Do not embalm; instead, call the person's family, friends, and local
} news.  Pretend it was a miracle.
}
} The person is not dead, but I embalmed him anyway?
} He's dead now, so what does it matter?
}
} EMBALMING LESSON #2:
}
} Make sure you know how to use the embalmer.
}
} WHAT IF:
}
} I don't know how to use the embalmer?
} Learn.
} Aren't you going to teach me?
} No.
} Why not?
} I don't want to.
} This is supposed to be educational!
} You want educational?  Fine then.  We'll be starting number theory
} today-
} No, no, you're supposed to teach me about embalming.
} I am.
} But you're supposed to teach me how to use the embalmer!
} Read the manual.
}
} I don't know how to use the embalmer, but I used it anway?
} That depends.  Did it work anyway?
} Yes: OK, now you know.
} No: RUN.
}
} EMBALMING LESSON #3:
}
} You don't need special education on the subject to become an embalmer.
}
} WHAT IF:
}
} The law requires it?
} Read this instead.
}
} EMBALMING LESSON #4:
}
} What are you still reading this for?  You're smart enough to realize you
} don't need to continue.
}
} EMBALMING LESSON #5:
}
} You are an idiot if you are reading this.
}
} EMBALMING LESSON #6:
}
} There is no lesson 6!  Haven't you figured that out by now?
}
} (The guide continues with 200 more pages of similar filler material.
} The government approves of it wholeheartedly.)


1277-07    (8ff92 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Disgusting Oracle, when will my questions make it into the
> Oracular Disgusts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When you send them to the right address.  Try disgusting@aol.com,
} I think that's what the Disgusting Oracle is using now, but it might
} be his hotmail account.  Coincidentally, for the Internet Oracle,
} asking how to get in the digests is a surefire way not to get in
} the digests, just as mentioning that a reply won't make it ensures
} it won't.  However, at times, succoring those wise, funny, attractive,
} well-to-do, and successful high priests can have an effect.
}
} You owe the Oracle.  Big time.


1277-08    (3jh91 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most erudite, unencumbered by a need for errata due to your
> perfect nature you are my exclusive source of enlightenment.  I
> worship you and the horse you rode in on. . .
>
> What can I do to keep from getting hurt by jellyfish while at the
> beach?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bring peanut-butter flavored goldfish.  A lot of them.  Dump them in
} the water.  If there are any jellyfish, they'll spend all their time
} trying to drive out the peanut-fish (they hate competition).
}
} You owe the Oracle some fish-flavored jelly.


1277-09    (bcd58 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> L06 0n H3R3 Dud3! --> 127.0.0.1
>
> I s3t up aN aCc0unT 4 U! Us3 th3 L061n aNd Pa55w0rD
> fr0m Y3r rEgu1ar AcK0unt AnD Y3r 1N!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} K3\/\/L!  T|-|4NKZ 4 T|-|4 S|-|3LL 2 UR 4KK0UNT D00D!
} |3UT J00 S|-|0UL|) CL33N 0UT UR CR3|)1T C4R|) #s D00D!  1 |30UG|-|T 4
} N00 4L13N\/\/4R3 \/\/1T UR \/1S4!  T|-|4NKZ!
}
} J00 0\/\/3 T|-|33 OR4CL3 |\/|0R3 L33TN3SS!


1277-10    (0bjd6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grand Oracle, one whisper from you and I could cross the
> Rub' al Khali at mid-day with a song in my heart. Your every
> suggestion is worth its weight in uncut rubies.
>
> Why is conspiracy theory believed over facts now a days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, let me just say that that grovel was very, very pretty.
} It's rare to even get a grovel nowadays, so that makes the really
} nice ones all the more enjoyable. Please accept My gratitude.
}
} Now, on to your question.
}
} It is an established fact in human psychology that you tend to see
} patterns in things that are truly random. The typical human conception
} of "randomness" is, in fact, something that could only result from
} order, whereas if you present someone with a randomly generated image,
} s/he will think that s/he can find patterns within it.
}
} Now, turn your attention to the diagram on the chalkboard over there,
} if you would be so kind. In it, we can see that in fact, it was the
} members of the Warren Commission who caused the Teapot Dome Scandal,
} that the leaders of the G7 were responsible for JFK's death, and
} that the Illuminati have actually cornered the world platinum market.
} Further, the Greys have infiltrated KFC and everyone knows that the
} CIA is putting flouride in the water supply so that Coca-Cola can
} sell more products.
}
} The problem is that you sad little humans take these plain, honest
} facts and try to find some sort of order in them. It's a pity.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those pyramids with an eye on top.


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