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Internet Oracularities #1278

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Internet Oracularities #1278    (49 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002 13:59:11 -0500 (EST)

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   1278
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1278  49 votes 19dk6 059ob 01dhi 17fga 0hl74 5gd96 08ig7 4cga7 3jl42 7fl42
1278  3.2 mean  3.4   3.8   4.1   3.6   3.0   2.9   3.4   3.1   2.7   2.6


1278-01    (19dk6 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, Oracle most wonderful. You know not only when the
> sparrow falls, but also when it is due to take an uptick and when it is
> best to avoid sparrow futures altogether. You have hair that
> miraculously stays in place even in the windiest convertible. Your
> socks never need darning.
>
> Why is it forbidden for people to look at or talk to each other on
> commuter trains? Is it a religous thing? And why did that guy sitting
> in front of me keep scratching his head?
>
> I know you can answer me, Oracle, because you're just so neat and
> spiffy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Washington DC (TIONews): Amtrak today announced that it was
}  implementing a "Talking Car" on all it's routes. Now those
}  people that wish to gab at total strangers, be it from extreme
}  loneliness or a nosy need to pry, will have a place to "chew
}  the fat" with folks to whom they've never been introduced.
}  "We want to change the misconception that people enjoy the
}  time to rest and think on the train," said Amtrak spokesman
}  Timothy "Choo-Choo" Ewey, "actually people want to hear about
}  others' observations on objects outside the window that the
}  commuter sees day in and day out, crackpot NWO conspiracy
}  theories, and most of all -- the physical aches and pains of
}  humans they aren't even vaguely related to, We think this will
}  be a huge hit!" In related news Amtrak ridership was off by
}  700% and the agency was petitioning the government for an
}  additional ten gazillion dollars to keep it afloat until next
}  Thursday.


1278-02    (059ob dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty omniscient Oracle, fount of all knowledge, keeper of all
> wisdom, here the plea of this poor soul...
>
> What is Kraft American "cheese-like food" *really* made of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order from largest amount to smallest amount, it's made of:
}
} *deep breath*
}
} Thiamin mononitrate, ferrous sulfate, sodium benzoate, benzium
} sodioate, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, dexadrin, soy
} lecithin-an emulsifier, kitten katothol, sodium ascorbate and
} ascorbic acid, pyridoxine hydrochloride, hydrochloric palmitate,
} phosphoric acid, lactic acid starter culture, BHA, BHT, maltodextrin,
} LL-cysteine hydrochloride, ammonium sulfate, monocalcium phosphate,
} THBQ, MVBMS, bits of Jimmy Hoffa, ethylhexyl p-methoxycinnamate,
} oxybenzone, 2-ethyhexyl salicyate, homosalate, snips and snails and
} puppydog tails, PEG-8, silica, cetyl phosphate, acrylates/C10-30
} alkyl acrylate crosspolymer, diazolidinyl urea, methylparaben,
} popylparaben, disodium EDTA, propylene glycol, patent pending,
} triethanolamine, THC, PABA, canthaxanthin, 5-hydroxy tryptophan,
} adenosine triphosphate, synthetic iron oxide, nasty squid
} tentacles, ferrous gluconate, toasted partially defatted cooked
} cottonseed flour, radioactive waste, titanium dioxide, riboflavin,
} potassium sodium copper chlorophyllin (chlorophyllin-copper
} complex), luminescent zinc sulfide, sunlight, strawberry alarm
} clocks, 1,4-Bis((2-hydroxy-ethyl)amino)-9,10-anthracenedione
} bis(2-propenoic)ester copolymers, hydroxyethyl methacrylate, vinyl
} alcohol/methyl methacrylate-dye reaction products, acrylamide, love,
} sweet love, KAVA, hydrocodone w/APAP, alprazolam, triamterine/HCTZ,
} some bad vibes that are just making me freak out, man, glucophage,
} rantidine HCI, metaprolol tartrate and milk.
}
} And here I bet you thought it didn't have any milk in it at all, huh?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new spellchecker--I burned mine out on this
} answer.


1278-03    (01dhi dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Hemming <dhemming@blueyonder.co.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle who is really smart.
>
> How many vacation days does Bush get?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strangely enough, the more important you are, the less vital
} it is that you actually be in the office.  Let us examine the
} relationship between status and necessity...
}
} MAILBOY:  Has to be on the ball every minute of every day or
} the whole firm will shut down due to lack of mail.
} Status:  Nil.
} Necessity:  Supreme.
}
} CLERK:  Has to come in to work every day.  Without him, numbers
} are wrong, and at each level above him (and there are many) the
} errors will multiply.
} Status:  Minimal
} Necessity:  Very high
}
} SUPERVISOR:  Comes in to work every day, but can shag off early
} on a Thursday afternoon without much problem.  Is really only
} needed weekly to check CLERK's work.
} Status:  Marginal
} Necessity:  High
}
} MANAGER:  Comes in to work nearly every day, but spends most of
} the time canoodling with secretary (equiv. to STOCKBOY).  Only
} function is to be fired when a sacrificial goat is necessary,
} without disturbing the people who actually work.
} Status:  High
} Necessity:  Marginal
}
} VP:  May or may not come in to work.  Will not be missed.  Only
} function is to tell CEO what MANAGER is up to, and to be fired
} when accounting irregularities arise, but CEO is saving MANAGER's
} firing for another scandal.
} Status:  Very high
} Necessity: Minimal
}
} CEO:  Usually doesn't come in to work.  Usually out at trade shows
} or "high-level negotiations" at the golf course.  Primary function
} is to be the public face of the company, but is usually old, bald,
} fat, and unpleasant; you do the math.
} Status:  Supreme
} Necessity:  Nil
}
} PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA:  Leader of the free
} world.  Problem is, it's the (ahem) *FREE* world, which does best
} when left alone and not bothered.  Every day PRESIDENT comes in
} to the office, the free world is interfered with, so negative
} progress is made.  Experts pray for PRESIDENT to take more
} vacations.
} Status:  Awe-inspiring
} Necessity:  Negative
}
} So, the answer to your question about how many vacation days
} President Bush gets:
}     NOT ENOUGH
}
} You owe the Oracle five (5) paid days off.


1278-04    (17fga dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when men and women double date, and when nature calls,
> guys can go do their business in about 2 minutes, but women seem to
> have to travel to the bathroom in pairs, and seem to take the longest
> time doing their business?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Even the all-knowing Oracle doesn't know how to break this
} to you nicely so he'll just blurt it out... they're in
} the bathroom talking about you two guys. <sigh> Let's
} listen in:
}
} Gal #1: OhMYGAWD! Then when they both started doing that
}         trapped in a glass box thing when the maitre de
}         asked if we had reservations I about died!
}
} Gal #2: Don't I know it! What were we thinking going out
}         with a pair of MIMEs?!
}
} Gal #1: And then, and then. We sat down to eat and your
}         guy draped a napkin over his arm and started to
}         go from table to table pretending to re-fill
}         people's glasses from that imaginary pitcher!!
}
} Gal #2: I have never been so embarrassed in my life!
}         And then that guy you're with started following
}         the bus boy around 'pulling' flowers out from
}         behind the poor guy's ear, smelling them, and
}         giving them to the waitresses!
}
} Together: AND THEN!
}
} Gal #1: My guy sits down to pretend eat a plate of
}         spaghetti with an exaggerated face puckered
}         inhalation gesture that... We gotta get out
}         of this now before I go insane. I'll tell
}         them I got cramps.
}
} Gal #2: No. Don't -tell- them. Go out there holding
}         your belly with one hand and looking pained,
}         while with the other hand you're dragging a finger
}         down from your eye over your cheeks to simulate
}         tears and I'll stand there with my palms to each
}         side of my face rocking back and forth in a display
}         of empathetic dismay.
}
} [ pause ]
}
} Together: NO!
}
} Gal #1: They'd like that.
}
} Gal #2: Fall in love with us, put their hands under
}         their shirts and start the phony super hard
}         beating heart routine...Do you think we can
}         crawl out that window over there?
}
} Gal #1: Only one way to find out...


1278-05    (0hl74 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Since even the remote words of the Oracle from times long gone
> deserve praise, much more worthy of praise is what he says of
> late, for The Oracle has added to the Earth's inheritance of
> knowledge and gave us the empire of technology which we now
> possess, and The Oracle spared no pains to be able to leave us
> these acquisitions that so aid the present generation. Praise
> the Oracle one and all!
>
> Is having a peg leg as bad as it sounds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, supplicant, I must congratulate you on such a lengthy (and
} accurate) grovel. That said, having a peg leg isn't as bad as one might
} think. For example, it allows its wearer to stumble around drunkenly
} and yell things like "Arr! Guard the dubloons and draw yer cutlasses!
} There be trouble on the breeze!" Besides, its applications in the
} bedroom are prodigious...
}
} You owe the Oracle a sheet of sandpaper.


1278-06    (5gd96 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The answer is, "Hank Sherman was killed by a small kitchen magnet."
>
> What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What did I just tell the Oracle the answer was?"


1278-07    (08ig7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If we could communicate with snarling ghosts, I'm sure they would
> tell us that victorious yet dangerous clowns make good role models
> for sparkling magicians. And if we could communicate with all the
> gods at once they would tell us to listen to the Oracle! For the
> Oracle is wise!
>
> Are there ghosts of dead computers? I swear that every now and
> then I SEE my old 286 where used to sit... then it's gone!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just as computer monitors tend to 'burn-in' an image they display too
} much, so do computer nerds visual cortexes 'burn-in' a figure they've
} perceived too much.  Here's my prescription:
}
}  - You need to install a Cortexsaver; something that will expose your
}    brain to a variety of images and visual concepts.  In mundane
}    parlance, they're called 'galleries' and 'museums'.
}  - CRTs are better off displaying some bright on a dark background;
}    conversely, your vizcortex is better off perceiving some dark in a
}    light background.  There's a great full-GUI for your meatware called
}    "Outside" that can really help with this.  I recommend you get
}    "Outside" soon, and use it often.
}
} You owe the Oracle a blue pill.  Wait, red.  No, hang on... forget it.
} Just mash 'em together and give me the resulting magenta pill.


1278-08    (4cga7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, powerful, superlative Oracle, tell me:
>
> How much is too much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The rule of thumb is if someone can tell from across
} the room that you're wearing make-up it's too much,
} however in your case you're going to need a lot to
} cover the beard...


1278-09    (3jl42 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Imposingly wise Oracle,
>
> What was I before I lived in France?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez, Nostradamus, this is your first question on the
} past, well here's your answer:
}
}  The Twin Brothers at 45 degrees with Hister
}  and Mars reigning supreme on the land of Aquila
}  where Nine have been sent away with hungry beasts
}  and an iron cage holding the great swarm of bees.
}
} which of course can be interpreted as:
}
}   trick question! there was no "you" at all before
}   you lived in France.
}
} You owe the Oracle a century.


1278-10    (7fl42 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Explosive is the Wrath of the Oracle, though he can be a blast
> at parties, for the Oracle tolerates fools not, which means he is
> pretty much irked by everything we humans do and say. Please share
> some sound bytes of wisdom with me Divine One;
>
> Where do gods go for vacation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've heard of the bronzed Adonis' on the beaches of Florida?
}
} They actually ARE Adonis.


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