[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:25:03 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1279

Goto:
1279, 1279-01, 1279-02, 1279-03, 1279-04, 1279-05, 1279-06, 1279-07, 1279-08, 1279-09, 1279-10


Internet Oracularities #1279    (58 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 18 Aug 2002 14:28:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to
this message).  For example:
   1279
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1279  58 votes 8im64 2fhm2 3bjg9 4bii7 5ejb9 24jp8 5jt41 5lbd8 9ehg2 4cicc
1279  3.1 mean  2.7   3.1   3.3   3.2   3.1   3.6   2.6   3.0   2.8   3.3


1279-01    (8im64 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> After having viewed all of the "Thumb" movies and the Lego Old
> Testament, I am now ready to make my cinematic debut.
>
> But tell me please, O wisest Oracle, is the world ready for a
> stop-motion Play-Doh(tm) version of "Last Tango in Paris?"
>
> I'll hook you up with 1.7% of the net in thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this Oracle, having actually done a couple of stop-motion movies
} when he was much, much, younger, (back in the days when "Super 8"
} referred to film that had to be developed with chemicals,) thinks
} that there is a market for your film.  I don't know if the "world"
} as a whole is ready for it, but you will undoubtably develope a large
} cult following.  (Remember "The Night of the Living Dead" was filmed
} by 6 accountants on their days off!)
}
} For a sequel may I suggest the following:
}
} The Top Ten Movies that would be great in stop-motion Play-Doh(tm)
} 1  Titanic (Does Play-Doh(tm) melt or harden in ice water?)
} 2  The Mummy (with Boris Karloff) (In Black & White Play-Doh(tm))
} 3  Star Wars (Episode 4) (No, wait, that's already been done as a fan
}    film!)
} 4  The Birds (starring "Clay Pigeons"!!!)
} 5  Gilligan's Island (The Reunion) (Skipper: "Gilligan, my little
}    Putty,")
} 6  Jaws (just the music was great! dum dum dum dum dum... Clay Shark
}    Attack!)
} 7  Pinochio  (I want to be a real boy!  But you're made of clay.. I mean
}    wood.)
} 8  Spiderman meets Mr. Playdough
} 9  Chicken Run (No, wait, that was clay-mation!)
} 10 Blazing Saddles
}
} You owe the Oracle a starring voice-over role in Blazing Saddles.
} I want to be that one guy, you know, the funny one, ummm, whatshizname.


1279-02    (2fhm2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, owner of more Gillette Stock than Warren Buffett, Most
> Clever Immortal to have ever been to a SuperCuts,
>
> Should I bury bars of gold in my backyard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  And then please send your home address to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu


1279-03    (3bjg9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MVSOPEN@aol.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so full of imagination that you could not become bored were
> you petrified and sent to a sawmill.
>
> It's Friday afternoon in the office.  Nobody else is here and I've
> nothing to do but sit heremon the off-chance that the phone rings.
> I've got a stapler, two pens (the red one's ok, the black nearly dry)
> and a half pad of yellow sticky notes.  Can you in your wisdom devise a
> game for one with just these materials ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah.. this is a job for the Staple game.
}
} Step 1:
} Place the pad of sticky notes on your left leg
} Step 2:
} Open the stapler mechanism so it can staple flatly, without the bottom
} "base" interfering.  It helps to use a staple gun, but work with what
} you have.
} Step 3:
} Put a staple through the pad.
} Step 4:
} Remove the staple with one of the pens.
} Step 5:
} Remove a sticky note from the pad, and place it back on your leg.
} Step 6:
} Repeat steps 2 through 5, until you give up out of fear, blood loss, or
} unbearable pain.
}
} Count how many sticky notes are left on the pad before you've given
} up.  This is your score.  Lower scores are obviously better.
} This also works well as a competition versus your workmates.
}
} Enjoy.


1279-04    (4bii7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Woo hoo!
>
> Woooooooo hooooooo!
>
> Woo!  Woo hoo!
>
> Woo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now Zadoc, quickly! Tie your other shoe before you forget how.


1279-05    (5ejb9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true? Are bears Catholic? Does the Pope- well, you know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Italian Alps -- A hunting tragedy today ended the life of the
} Holy Father. Vito Badiza was out hunting for snipe today when
} he accidentally shot and killed The Pope who was squatting behind
} a thick bush. "I saw this white shape and heard these weird
} strained grunting sounds, " said Vito. "I thought it was a huge
} alibino snipe so I fired."  The Pope died instantly, clutching
} a handful of befouled leaves. "This is awful," said a Vatican
} spokesman, "he so loved to visit the woods each morning, and
} after lunch. Now he's gone." No charges are going to be filed
} against the hunter. "It was just an accident," said the local
} police chief, "Sh*t happens."
}
} You owe the Oracle a cliche sewn on to a pillow.


1279-06    (24jp8 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <drey@speakeasy.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle most trim and quick, you are far more tricky with
> your words than 75,000 soon-to-release-their-first-book authors,
>
> Can moths talk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but they can type.  Many of the posts you see on Usenet are
} actually from moths.  You can tell which posters they are by their
} attraction to the flames.


1279-07    (5jt41 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wise Oracle is a true Master of Sentences. The Oracle is
> one who brings good luck and possesses a good eye. You are the
> only entity on USENET that has added pi to pi just for laughs.
>
> Do you know any magic mediatrix you could share with us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} But of course, dear supplicant. One I particularly like playing
} on them is where you pretend that you're not really a journalist,
} which is always quite a laugh because as they're wondering how to get
} away tactfully, you just won't let them as you bombard them with more
} questions (designed, of course, to keep the vict-- er, interviewee -
} eager to talk with you). With any luck, you might get half-an-hour
} out of them before they catch on. It's always worked for me.
}
} And then, of course, there's that one where you suddenly jump out of
} a nearby bush and snap a photo of them. If you're lucky, you might
} just catch them in an embarrassing position, which you then wave at
} The Sun, which'll offer you a ridiculous sum of money for it.
}
} Oh, and there's-- what was that? These aren't media tricks? Sure they
} are.. . ooohh, a *mediatrix*. Whoops...
}
} You owe the Oracle a better hearing aid.


1279-08    (5lbd8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel V Klein) <dvk@lonewolf.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm trying to write a poem about you, but I'm hard pressed
> for rhymes.  Is there an Internet Coracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Turn the sentences around.
}
} So instead of:
}
}   Great is the silver haired Oracle!
}
} it reads:
}
}   The Great Oracle has hair of silver!
}
} Then you have an easier word with which to rhyme.
}
} You owe the Oracle a robe trimmed in purple.


1279-09    (9ehg2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@celery.tssi.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We're having a non-sequitor duel. Would you care to participate, or
> would you prefer to climb bottle caps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The melon is particularly tasty this morning.  Feel free to put another
} slice of gravy on your fuel filter!
}
} You owe Rome a "u".


1279-10    (4cicc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Paul Kelly <zymurge@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> dear oracle, who knows P-K4 from e4...
>
> what gives? the chess book is claiming that Q-Q2! is the best and only
> move, but not only is that a bad move, Q-N2 kicks *ss.  With Q-Q2,
> black has the simple reply of ...QxRP then the rest trades off for a
> pawn ahead and a choice of N or B from the earlier pawn fork.  Whereas
> Q-N2 protects the rook pawn and the other pcs protected by Q-Q2 keeping
> the pressure on black and also allowing NxB (...KxN) and white's B is
> freed for an even trade and also breaking up black's ability to castle.
>
> Thanks.
>
> Charles "Chuck" Wood

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bamboo in the garden clicked and groaned in the breeze. The
} wise Oracle nodded slowly. Water in the stone fountain beside him
} bubbled. A butterfly drifted by. In the distance a hawk cried.
} Above it all cold clouds inched across the sky -- gray and laden,
} slow and dark.
}
} "Tell me supplicant, what other games are you good at?"
}
} "I play a mean game of Candy-Land," the supplicant blurted out
} flippantly.
}
} "This is good, for I have a priest here. Who also excels at
} that noble sport."
}
} "But I wanted to know. . ."
}
} The Oracle raised his hand and frowned.
}
} The supplicant sighed. The Oracle rose and went into the temple,
} the supplicant following in his footsteps.
}
} Soon the supplicant found himself seated, across a table holding
} a Candy-Land board, from a kindly looking priest with lumpy hair.
}
} "Supplicant, this man is the priest of which I told you. He too
} is good at Candy-Land. Moreover he is a sys admin that helps the
} confused stay that way. And a writer of sonnets that almost
} rhyme. And a father of three, one of which he knows about. And
} he will play you in a game of Candy-Land."
}
} A large man with a spiky club entered the room.
}
} "And this is Og. He will cave in the skull of the loser of the
} game and then throw that person's carcass in  the temple moat.
} Let the game begin!"
}
} The supplicant looked intently at Og. And then the Oracle. And
} then the priest. The supplicant drew a card. One red square was
} on it. He moved his token forward. The priest drew a card on
} it was SNOWFLAKE QUEEN FROSTINE!
}
} "Dang, you're good," conceded the supplicant.
}
} The priest said nothing. Og grunted. The supplicant realized he
} needed to play well, like he'd never had before.  The supplicant
} put his all into the game & while the priest was good, eventually
} the supplicant pulled ahead.  Then he got further ahead. And soon
} it  was obvious that the supplicant would win... then it dawned on
} him.  If he won the priest would die, his head caved in by Og.
} The priest was the father of three, a writer of almost rhyming
} sonnets, a sys admin -- well, he won't hold that against him, for
} he did have funny lumpy hair. . .
}
} Then the supplicant stood up and kicked over the table, scattering
} Candy-Land pieces everywhere. The game was like life! Random and
} ending in death! This was how he would show he now understood. This
} was how he'd repudiate the fatal pointless game of this world! He
} had achieved Zen-queue!
}
} The priest looked at the supplicant. Then the priest looked down at
} the board game on the floor. Then the priest spoke, "You big moron,
} you knew I was about to draw the card for the Gumdrop Pass & then
} I'd move ahead and kick your sorry skinny butt big time."
}
} You owe the Oracle a ginger bread man.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org